This chapter's basically a giant flashback. Enjoy (:

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I slid against the wall behind the bathroom door as the impact of my regained memory continued.

Oliver and I have known each other since preschool, typical best friend story; we were inseparable from then on. Something happened in sixth grade, though. I've no idea what and I've no idea how. I don't have a sweet story behind it or a cute moment (though there were many). It just happened. He was still Oliver Oscar Oken. I was still Lillian Rose Truscott. But somewhere in the mayhem of getting ready to go on to higher education, I knew that I no longer thought of Oliver as just as a best friend anymore.

It wasn't this huge hit of 'oh my gosh I need you now'; it increased gradually. Things we used to do just for the fun of it, I started taking differently. I examined every word he said, every touch, every glance. Probably became a slight bit obsessive I'll say. Although it would be the ordinary thing to do, it never occurred to me that this sudden crush on my best friend could be the beginning of a destruction of our friendship. You know, the beginning of the end. I was a bit out of my mind and everything I did was based on feeling rather than reason—like when I let him slow dance with me at our graduation party summer of 2004 though I knew I would die with butterflies.

It's not as if the moment the song started I knew that it would end with me suddenly deciding to unveil my deepest secret at the time. Nor that we apparently shared that same secret. No, I had no idea, but that's how it all started.

Many moments in my life I referred to as the best day of my life, or even the best week. Well, dating Oliver was undoubtedly the best two and a half years of my life. Even with my memory back I could barely recall specific times. It was just the feeling. As absolutely cheesy and cliché as this is, he completed me. It was as simple as that. It was that higher step in our relationship that we needed; that I needed. And I thought he needed it too.

December 13th, 2006. Now simply referred to as 12/13. How the whole school got in on this I don't even know, I guess when two people who've been attached at the hip like us break each other's hearts it becomes epic news.

Well, try being the one hearing it for the first time. The day itself wasn't as grandiose at it's been made to seem over the years; nonetheless I've lost a part of me since.

He'd called asking if I wanted to go somewhere. It was already fairly dark outside when he came so my stomach tingled with surprise at what we could possibly do at such a time. When he came though, he changed his mind and decided we just sit on my front steps.

I didn't mind, just being in his proximity was good enough for me. It had been a busy week, with our first high school finals and whatnot, so we hadn't really spoken as much. Yet as we sat in front of my house, neither of us spoke up. I figured he asked me out, he'll speak first. But he just stared into the dark sky.

"What's wrong?" I remember the slight tension I felt when I said those words. I usually didn't have to ask Oliver what was wrong, he just told me and then I'd ask him what the heck he was talking about. But it worked that way, it kept me worriless.

I bit my lip in anticipation as he twitched a bit. I'd started to create a list of all the possible things he could be about to say. We had already said our "I Love You's" (we didn't wait too long), so it made the list slightly difficult. I stared intensively at him as if not looking at him would make me miss something.

"Do you ever think…" He stopped. I wished I could just pull it out of him. He abruptly turned my direction. "Why are we together?"

Talk about not expecting that. I opened my mouth, but I didn't really know what to say so I let him go on. Some questions have so many answers there's no way to actually answer.

"Do you ever think that we're just trying to follow some sort of… cliché?" I twisted my face in confusion. "Childhood best friends, get feelings for each other in their teenage years, fall in love and live happily ever after?"

Really you think this would be about the time I'd speak up, but I had yet to come up with something. I felt like we were playing dodgeball and I was his main target.

"Lils don't get me wrong, I care about you I really do but…" he sighed. "We can be there for each other, without necessarily being with each other, right?"

I wondered if he knew I was crying. Somehow I managed to do so soundlessly and it was probably too dark to notice. At the same, he couldn't hear my heart crack either.

And then he asked me how I felt about him; as if that would change anything. You'd think that would be the first thing he'd ask me; my answer would have probably been different. "As of right now, I hate you."

We sat there for a few more seconds. I've told him I hated him multiple times in our lifetime, but I think this time it actually sunk into him. Somehow we wordless stood at the same time and went our opposite ways. He'd thrown every dogdgeball and although I couldn't run anymore I'd saved up enough energy to throw one back. Just one. And it managed to hurt just as much as the dozen he'd thrown at me.

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After an event like that most friendships are done. Forever forgotten, never forgiven. We tried that, but like I've said, when you're as close to someone as Oliver and I were there's really nothing you can do to get away—unless they died of course.

No, instead, after we let the initial steam blow off we continued to be "friends". A new type of friendship though. The kind where we fought over everything and anything. And I don't mean the cute bickering we've always done; no we simply loved to anger each other. We were blunter, more than any two people should be really. Nothing hid underneath the surface any longer. It's as if we remained friends only to have more quality time to remind each other of how much we hated each other. Kind of sickening.

In the midst of our mindless fights, he got a girlfriend. Mya McIntire, summer of 2007. I don't know what angered me more, his getting a girlfriend or the girlfriend herself. I've heard a certain comment many times and although I pretend to ignore it it's undeniably true. Before we dated, all of Oliver's interests had an uncanny likeness to me. Mya was basically the anti-me.

From then on, all the anger I used to release onto Oliver shifted to her. Just like with Oliver, I hung out with her for the main purpose of letting her know I couldn't stand her. I seriously needed to look up the meaning of friendship in the dictionary because all of mine were failures.

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When you thought things couldn't get worse in the "friendship" that was Oliver and I, Jason Lee Parker happened.

To this day I'm still unsure why I dated him. It's true he was one of the few people who managed to make me laugh without my wanting to kill him, but dating him was the wrong approach.

Our being together wasn't really the big deal. He was just another guy at the school, fairly popular, the type freshmen girls would initially get a crush on until they found out besides the dark hair and green eyes combo he really wasn't that special. And a bit of a jerk. Yet I took the plunge and dated him.

Being the blunt best friend he'd become, Oliver didn't spare a chance to remind me that I was only dating JLP because I was jealous of Mya. So when, I ended up needing Oliver's rescuing from Jason, I never heard the end of it.

It was a small beach party pre-graduation last year. A few drinks but no one necessarily getting drunk. Loud music, but only a few brave souls dancing. For the most part everyone was somewhere in the trees making out. I was aware Oliver and Mya were somewhere on the same grounds, but because we hadn't bothered to let each other know of our presence I didn't think about it.

Jason and I first took a walk by the beach, which turned into a dancing twirl, which turned into an odd combination of kissing and walking, and then being the obvious jerk he was he tried to go even further than that. It's not like I hadn't seen it coming though. He was, after all, Jason Lee Parker. I had even rehearsed a quick speech for this moment.

I pushed him away. "Jason, there's something you need to understand"—

His lips broke off my words.

"Dude, would you back off and let me speak for a sec."

He held on to my hand as he tried to drag me to somewhere more secluded but when I said that he suddenly let go and I yelped as I fell to the sand. Instead of helping me up, he figured he would just crawl on top of me.

It wasn't the best of situations but I didn't need his help.

'His' being Oliver. 'Help' meaning shoving Jason off into the water and then knocking him out.

"Lilly, are you okay?"

My eyes widened as I pushed him to the side, "Don't 'are you okay' me! What the hell Oliver?!" I ran to the water and dragged my knocked out boyfriend to the sand.

"Would you leave that jerk alone and worry about yourself?"

"Are you freakin' kidding me you could have killed him! That's water! Water drowns people when they're knocked out cold. Something I didn't even ask you to do!" I alternated between yelling at Oliver and trying to wake Jason up.

"For goodness sakes don't you even realize the shit you just got yourself into! You're lucky I was there! Let me take you home."

"You know what, you have an effin' girlfriend to take care of, so leave me the hell alone." By now he knew I was pissed because that's when I cussed the most.

"I'm just being there for you!"

"Oh, so when it's me I'm being jealous but with you you're 'just being there for me'?!" I looked back between him and Jason, and at the moment cared to be with neither of them. "Leave me alone, I can take myself home."

In other words, I walked. When I broke up with Jason a few weeks later, Oliver knew exactly why but I didn't give him the satisfaction of being right and said it was because I didn't believe in long distance relationships.

That was the last straw. By that I'd told him I didn't want him as much as he'd told me he didn't want me on 12/13.

--

I opened my eyes. So much had happened. Too much. I wished I was amnesiac again. Oliver and I had managed to grow close lately even with all that behind us. He'd become my best friend again because by forgetting it's as if I'd forgiven him, but with my memory back on this 12/13 I wasn't sure I wanted to make it that easy for him.

I drew myself back together and re-entered the classroom. He first just glanced up but then did a double take which made me guess I looked like I had been hit by a truck.

"Lilly, are you okay?"

Words I'd heard before. And each time he really was just being there for me. Whether I let him or not. And that's when I realized why I took this class in the first place. I needed Oliver in my proximities at least once a day for my own sanity because it wasn't long until after we broke up that I knew the answer to his question.

When he asked me how I felt about him. I should have told him the truth. Maybe it wouldn't have changed much, but then again maybe it would have. I didn't hate him.

I smiled and nodded. No, I'm not okay Oliver Oken, I loved you.

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Why was this so difficult to write?? My goodness. Well I hope you liked it… I know the end isn't all that great but I'll try to get better… xoxCamy