I can't stay here any more… she thought to her self.

It's just too much to handle… he's everywhere I look; I still don't understand how he could just up and leave like that. Does he know how much that it hurt? Does he care? I hope he is hurting too… oh wait he won't because he doesn't want me any more. Was it so stupid of me to like him to want to be with him forever? So why do I even bother anymore… why would he care what I did, if I lived or died? He wouldn't he may feel a little guilty but that would be it. Why am I even thinking about this? UGH! I am so stupid; I swear to god the only good thing I can do is make sure I don't go to deep. I winced when I sliced my arm for the second time in about 10 minuets. I hoped he saw, I hope he hurt even though I knew he wouldn't. I was killing myself slowly; it had been days since I had eaten anything. I was going on minuets of sleep, and I didn't even care if I cut myself to deep. I wanted to die I wanted to get away from it all. I turned on my Ipod and wrapped my wrist up, no one needed to worry about me. Maroon 5 blared over the speakers.

Where do I go from here? Or do I go anywhere, do I stay here and slowly die. What do I do?

Just keep moving i told myself just keep going. You can't stop, I told myself as I ran on the rainy track. I pushed myself harder and harder, it's not healthy. But I don't care, the good thing is I can't hear myself gasp for breath, my music is to loud. It drowns out the pitiful wheezes and sobs I make as I run and think of him all at the same time. I always go until I cant go anymore, that would be the point that I pass out. And with this numbness I am free from him, it is the only time I can't think. But the main reason I do this to myself is to begood enough for him. If I ever see him again, Bella thinks I am crazy. That coming from the girl who has nightmares every night and wakes up screaming... I hate the screaming. It makes me scream to, I know how she feels. I don't think they will ever really see how much damage they have caused. I don't even know if they will care, if they have even a heart they would, but like Derek told me once, he doesn't. It stopped beating a long time ago, but it had supposedly started again when he met me. What know seems like a century ago, I remember that first day like it was yester day. It wouldn't matter though, to remember. It would only open up the nasty little wounds that haven't even begun to heal.

And they never will, Bella over the past few weeks has been hanging out with Jacob Black. I don't know if she is getting over Edward or is just trying to find a substitute. Either way it's not fair to either of them, she is just going to hurt herself and him, and if he leaves her because she's damaged goods. She is just going to be messed up even more. It's going to suck to see her like that, but for now she's happy. Or is faking it for Charlie's sake. Which ever she is doing much better then me, way better. At least she's trying to live normally, I am just one big screwed up mess. But the thing that bothers me most about her and Jacob is that never once have they asked me to go with them, I guess I really have become as invisible as I feel... I wonder what they do when she goes to his house? Hmm... the next time she goes I think I'll ask her if I can come. Just for curiosities sake, and for the sake of that there will be new woods to explore. I can't lost in ours anymore I know it inside and out. It's sad really that I have spent so much time in the place he said never to go alone, and for me just to go against everything he ever told me. I guess it is my way of paying him back, that and hurting myself. Which I doubt he even cares about. Well all I have to say is damn him straight to hell... He left me, and he was afraid that he would kill me himself, well now it's me killing me. Oh Bella is home, wonder what I am not having for supper...

I walked down those stupid God forsaken stairs that I always tripped on when ever I was drunk out of my mind.

" Hey Bells what's up?" fake smile, she bought it.

"Well it's nice to see you happy, I was jsut about to go to Jakes." she smiled when she said his name. It made me angry, What about Edward? I wanted to scream, He's going to come back! And when he does then what HUH? You just gonna leave that poor kid? I just bit my tongue ageist the hurtful words that I want to throw at her like daggers.

"Um Bella?" I spoke each word slowly, to make it look like i was unsure.

"Yeah Jess?"

"Um do you think that it would be okay if I went with you? I uh kinda get a little lonely here with out any of you guys." I'm a sick sick person... I only want to go to hurt who ever this Jacob person is, and tell him of her plot. TO tell him how he is only a replacement for someone he'll never ever in his life live up to.

"Yeah, I don't think Jake would mind, and his friends would probably like some other company other then me."

"UH okay let me go change real fast." I ran up the steps to make it look like I was eager to leave, I heard her chuckle quietly to herself. I grabbed an outfit from the very back of my closet. I had never wore it, not even when HE was here. Boy would these boys get a surprise of there life, watch out Jacob Black I'm coming for you and your little friends too...

I ran back down the stairs in black skinny jeans, my black leather jacket with a silk black camisole underneath. I'm glad I straightened my hair, I'd just slapped on some mascara, on I all ready had my black eye shadow on and my black eye liner. I just put on my perfect red lip gloss, I wore my little rock necklace and my big sliver hoops.

She just raised her eye brow when she saw me and laughed and shook her head.

"what is all of this?" she gestured to how I looked.

"what doesn't it look good?"

"No it looks great, it's just I never have seen you look like this before."

"Oh. So are we ready to go?"

"Eager are we?" she laughed.

"A little."

"Okay come on beauty queen."

I don't like it she's laughing, and smiling. When I know he is just going to hurt her like Edward did, I don't trust any of them. She fiddled with the radio, I grabbed my Ipod out of my pocket and switched it on. I hopped to drown out the sound of my thoughts. Before I knew it we had pulled in front of a little house. Then everything seemed to move in slow motion…