The Lies I've Told
(This is from Fai's POV)
By Asuka Neko
I do not own Tsubasa. Or the poem.
This fanfiction was inspired by the poem How I Can Lie to You by Maya Angelou. I'll put it below this. I read it in English class today and it shouted "FAI!" at me.
How I Can Lie to You
now thread my voice
with lies
of lightness
force within
my mirror eyes
the cold disguise
of sad and wise
decisions
And now, the story.
The lies never seem to end. They permeate my words, settle into the tones and inflections of my voice, and cover my smile completely. They dance through my thoughts, and I end up lying to myself half the time. The lies spin out of my heart, weave like threads into a mask that I wear constantly. And eventually that mask of lies is going to suffocate me. It already hurts every time a new thread is added, every time a new lie flies from my lips.
My entire being seemed to be one huge lie. A fake. That's what I have become. My smile is faked. My happiness is completely false. The light, fluffy, cute personality that has become nearly my own is still nothing like what I really feel on the inside. I hide behind that happiness that seems to fool everyone I know. They don't see the inside of me. And I don't need them to. Or want them to. They don't have to see all the pain.
I just reflect what I want everyone else to be like. I want them to be happy and carefree. I don't want them to hurt inside like I am. I don't want them to feel my pain. So I act happy and hope that they all believe in my acting. I seem to be becoming a very convincing actor. They trust me. They trust my actions, my feelings, even my sanity. They trust in every single one of my lies, becoming surprised when they realize exactly how little trust can be placed in me.
This disguise is lonely, cold, and solitary. I feel alone, completely alone, inside of it. All I have inside is the fact that I am a liar, completely a liar, and I have to live with myself. And I have to live with only myself, because never before has anyone tried to break in behind the disguise to be with me in the cold darkness of my heart.
But I have to lie to them. If I don't, they will get hurt. I'm protecting them by lying to them. Is it a smart thing to do? My twisted, twisted mind sees it as such. I'm being careful, being safe, and making sure that they don't end up with scarred, bleeding hearts like my own. It's a lonely life, a sad life, but I live with my decision never to reveal myself and my inner being to anyone who knocks on my heart's door.
That is, until he breaks down that door. He does it suddenly, without knocking, flings my being wide and open before him. He sees every part of me, the hurt and the hidden, the lost and the lonely. All of me is visible to him. He points out my lies, even though it hurts as much as blows to my skin. He is sharp, piercing, and persistent, purposefully hurting me to bring up those old wounds. He enters the darkness where I am alone, and refuses to leave when I request to be alone and sad and live in my misery on my own.
So I continue to lie to him. I smile at him, laugh at him, and play every sort of game to pretend that I'm alright. I try all those tricks that work on everyone else. But he sees through every one, and scowls menacingly at me just because he does know that I'm hurt. I don't know how he does it.
There will always be part of me that does not understand him. Why, when I'm looking for comfort and consoling, does he hit me in the face and tell me I'm wrong? Yet he has some knowledge behind those crimson eyes that says it: he knows that I need it. He knows that before I can ever think that I am a good person, I have to be punished, because every part of me believes that I deserve punishment. He knows that I pretend I'm not hurt, and pretend I don't need healing, and so he hurts me to prove that I do need to be healed.
But someday, maybe someday, he will heal me. That's what he wants to do. That's what he plans to do. And that's what I want him to do. I want him to heal me. So I don't have to lie anymore.
Wows, how Kuro/Fai-sounding. But really, I think this is fairly accurate as far as Fai's thoughts go. No dialogue, sorry!