II. Misconduct

I was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, which was luckily empty, and looked at myself. I had taken a shower and put on my uniform. Normally everybody wore free time clothes on weekends, but I wanted to indicate that I was taking Snape's private lessons at least as seriously as any other regular classes. I had also pinned my light brown hair from both sides of my face to the back so that it wouldn't obstruct me in case I would be doing some practical work.

I went to my dormitory and packed my Potions book, parchment and quill into my bag. It was too early, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else now anyway, so I set off for Professor Snape's office without hurry. Fortunately, I didn't meet any of my friends who would have asked me where I was going.

It was quarter to six when I stopped in front of the office door. It would surely be impolite to get in that early, so I waited nervously. I used the time – which seemed to go past more slowly than usual – to have some last looks into my book.

When it was two minutes to six, I decided that this was the perfect time to enter. I knocked. It was a rather shy knock and had probably revealed my nervousness.

'Come in.'

Trying to stay calm, I pulled at the door knob and got in. I felt oddly observed as I closed the door behind me. Snape was sitting at a large dark desk, made of massive wood, his back towards one of the walls, which were almost completely hidden by cupboards and shelves full of jars. On the opposite side of the desk, there was an empty chair.

'Sit.'

I sat. We looked at each other. For something to do I removed my bag from my shoulder and leaned it neatly against the side of the desk. I looked up again. Snape's close examination made me feel… was it uneasiness or excitement? On the one hand I was happy and proud that he gave me his attention. On the other hand I was frightened about it.

'At first we will clear up the rules,' Snape began calmly. The rules. Of course. It had been bound to be something like this he would start with. 'Firstly, while you are within my private rooms, you will only do what you are ordered to.'

He looked at me even more intensely than before and only continued when I had nodded slightly.

'Secondly, you will work on the tasks I will set you for the times between our lessons properly – as I already told you, I will not waste my time if the point in these meetings will stay indiscernible.'

A pause. A nod.

'Thirdly, in case the studies prove successful, you will also do some practical work. Then you will find the ingredients you need in this cupboard – in this one only. If you need anything else, you will receive it directly from me. And -,' he made an emphasizing pause, his gaze climbing to the most enquiring degree so far, '- this cupboard will stay locked. This side of the desk is out of bounds for you.'

I gave the forbidden cupboard in the corner behind Snape's back a quick look. It was narrow and left enough place for the large shelf between it and the door leading to Snape's bedroom. Then I fixed my eyes quickly back on him and tried to conceal my curiosity.

'Do you assert that you will follow these rules, Miss Layner?'

'Yes, sir.'

'You'd rather,' he said in a very low and warning voice, almost making me shudder. 'And now – the Fisher pairs.'

The sudden change of subject took me by surprise and I felt like being kicked into a NEWTs examination without having known the date before. After all, this was a testing period and I had never felt so much pressure before.

Without any further introduction, Snape started to lecture me about the Fisher pairs. I had to do my very best to keep up with his explanations, which was an unfamiliar experience for me. I could not allow myself to miss a single sentence as every now and then, one of them would unexpectedly transform into a question. The first two of them referred to former lessons and I could answer them rather easily. The third one, however, demanded a conclusion of what he had just explained. At first I was at a loss for words, my mind suddenly blank. I just stared at Snape for a few seconds, my pulse accelerating. Snape just waited for my answer and I forced myself to think about it calmly. The next moment, the answer was there and I was sure it was right before I had spoken it. The words came out of my mouth with relief and with joy about the new and fascinating knowledge I had just achieved.

After I had managed to answer those first questions correctly, I managed to compose myself at least a bit, but there was a basic tension, which rested.

*

When I left Snape's office two hours later, my head felt slightly dizzy. I'd probably just learned a week's worth of theory. I hurried into my dormitory and started scribbling madly on a roll of parchment. I mustn't forget anything he had told me. In my concentration on memorizing everything, it only crossed my mind that I could use magic to write down everything after the first three points.

My first homework was to learn by heart the fifty most important gelidus toxins and the fifty most important fervidus ones. But as Snape had told me helpful features how to guess right, it wasn't that hard to do. When I was tested the following Saturday I did everything perfectly despite my nervousness. I even received a 'good' from Snape, although it didn't sound very enthusiastic. But coming from him, it was at least something, and I felt that I had given him a good first impression of myself.

The lessons with Professor Snape were always the tensest hours of the week, and those that required the highest amount of concentration. But as much I was nervous about them as much I was looking forward to each and every lesson. They had become one of the things I valued most at Hogwarts. They were a passion and of course, they were a secret. A secret between the redoubtable Potions Master and me – I could hardly believe the honour. I didn't have one best friend whom I shared everything with like most of the girls had. I simply was on good terms or kind of friends with all of them. I liked it that way. It left me my privacy and the freedom to keep my secrets, or rather: my one big secret. Of course, I didn't know if Snape had told anyone of the staff, but I doubted it.

After almost two months, he suddenly announced that I was to do brew a potion in our private lesson for the first time. It was something we had already done in an official lesson. I had only received an 'A' then (which most of the others would have been proud of), but was supposed to do it perfectly this time, while he would observe my every movement. It was kind of scary, much worse than answering difficult questions. I believed myself better at the theory anyway and it didn't help that I was busy trying to keep my hand from shaking, just because he was watching.

Sometimes I sensed Snape's impatience because of my clumsy techniques and now and then he would snatch the knife out of my hand and demonstrate how to do it more efficiently. But at least, he seemed satisfied with the final result. I was burning to know whether I would have received an 'O' for this one, but I was too shy to ask.

*

The second practical lesson, I grew more confident of myself – a bit too confident maybe. Having put all my knew knowledge about techniques into it, I had received an 'E' for my potion of the last official lesson, and I was just in an excellent mood because Snape hadn't corrected my work on that day's project – something new to me this time – so far. Had there really just been a tiny hint of an approving look on Snape's face, which I had glanced at for a second out of the corner of my eyes?

At this moment, Snape got up and I expected him to interfere. However, he stopped at the shorter end of the desk.

'You will be able to carry on alone for a moment, I trust, as you will only have to watch the cauldron and stir now and then while it boils just now. I have to settle something. I will be back in about ten minutes, in time for the next significant step.'

'All right, sir.'

He left. I could hardly believe that he was really leaving me alone in his office with a potion in process. But the potion was really rather boring right now. Actually, I had nothing to do for quarter of an hour, unless the potion would do something unexpected.

My gaze fell upon the narrow cupboard on the other side of the desk. I hesitated. A short glance into it wouldn't hurt, would it? I was so curious what Snape was so mysterious about and a chance like this would probably not come again so soon, if at all.

I gave the potion a final glance and a stir, then walked around the desk quietly, my pulse accelerating quite a bit. I didn't usually break rules.

The cupboard was of course locked, but I tipped it lightly with my wand, whispering 'Alohomora'. I would lock it with the counter-spell afterwards, so Snape wouldn't notice anything. Excitedly, I pulled the door open.

Inside the little cupboard, there was nothing but a single phial. It captured my full attention immediately. There was a strong magic about it, even by looking at it. The liquid within was shimmering silvery blue and green. One moment I wanted to close the cupboard again quickly and return to my seat, the next, I couldn't resist the strange urge to take the phial. To my surprise, the glass felt quite warm. It somehow felt very good. I touched the phial with both hands and it was clear to me now that I would keep it. It was as though the liquid was telling me that it belonged to me, that it had in fact waited for me all the time.

Remembering that Snape could return soon, I locked the cupboard by magic and returned to my seat. Then I carefully put my beloved phial into the side-pocket of my schoolbag.

I closed the zipper.

What the hell had I done? Was I mental? I couldn't keep this bottle! It was Snape's and I wasn't even supposed to get near it! Immediately, I opened the zipper again, in order to put the bottle back to its right place before it was too late. But once I had put my fingers around the phial, I remembered that it was clearly meant to be mine. How could I even think of putting it back? That was of course out of the question! I closed the zipper.

I stared at the bag in fright. What was happening to me? I had to put the bottle back, I had to! But how on earth…? I was about to try again when I heard steps. I straightened up in shock and quickly continued stirring my potion. I tried to calm my inner turmoil. The problem with the bottle had to wait until later. Snape must not notice that I was upset.

The door behind me opened. I forced myself to breathe slowly and to think of my work only. By the time Snape entered my field of view, I had managed to put a hopefully convincing carefree expression on my face. I looked at him shortly, gave him a shy smile as I sometimes used to and received, as always, none in return.

For the first time, I thought that the end of the lesson could hardly come quickly enough. Every time Snape moved I feared he would for some obscure reason open the forbidden cupboard or seize my bag. Of course he did neither, but also my desperate hope that he would leave a second time stayed unfulfilled.

When at last I had finished my task, I could hardly rejoice in the fact that Snape was satisfied and added my potion to his private stores after having made only one small addition. Out of his office, I kept my pace at an unsuspicious speed with effort. The bottle was still in my bag. The bottle was still in my bag! Bloody hell, this was thievery! When would Snape look into the cupboard the next time?

The dormitory was luckily empty when I entered it. I put down my bag next to my bed, on which I sat down weakly. For about a minute, I was unable to do anything. Then I pulled out my trunk from under the bed and took out my blue and silver Ravenclaw scarf. Under it I covered my bag and opened the zipper blindly. Always keeping the scarf between my other hand and the bottle, it retrieved it out of the bag and wrapped it in the scarf without touching the glass or getting even a glimpse of the liquid within. Now I was mentally ready to give it back, but how I could do it without Snape noticing I did not know. I tipped the scarf with my wand and a cord tied it up safely within a second. I put the bundle into the drawer of my bedside table, which I locked by magic.

Sleep did not come easy that night.