III. Choice

'Miss Layner, I would like to have a word.'

My heart almost missed a beat. I tried to look mildly interested instead of utterly shocked. It was in the end of Tuesday's Potions lesson and all students were just cleaning up. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Angela looking up.

'If you would just stay a few minutes longer,' said Snape calmly, his voice not any different from always.

'Yes, sir,' I answered, my heart racing now. Snape turned on the spot and walked off towards his desk. Angela gave me a sympathetic glance, which was at the same time slightly surprised. I was not usually the one in trouble.

'Maybe it's nothing bad,' she said in a low and comforting voice. 'Well, see you later…'

'Yeah…'

The students left. If only I could just follow! It was completely silent now and every footstep of mine was clearly to be heard as I approached Snape's desk. Before I had reached it, Snape got up and set off for the door which led to his office.

'Follow me.'

I gulped. Snape held the door open until I had passed and he closed it behind me.

'Sit.'

We sat down on both sides of the desk. Snape looked at me tensely and I forced myself to look back at him. Anything else would have been too suspicious.

There was a silence. A frightening one.

'It was yesterday evening that I noticed that one of my belongings is missing.'

I raised my eyebrows, while my heart seemed to make a movement in the opposite direction. The good impression I had given of myself was standing on the edge.

'It has disappeared out of this cupboard,' Snape continued. I looked at it. Any break from Snape's inquiring eyes was welcome. 'Can you imagine what that was, Miss Layner?'

My fear and shame were too huge.

'No, sir.' I forced myself to look back into his eyes. They were doubtful. They were boring into mine. They were sending goose bumps down my spine.

'You are aware that you are the one who is in my office most frequently besides myself, are you Miss Layner?' Snape asked dangerously.

'Yes, sir.'

'And I'm sure you also remember that I allowed you to be unobserved in my office only three days ago?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Miss Layner, have you taken anything out of my office which you should not have taken?'

I surely was close to fainting.

'No, sir,' I said more firmly than before.

Snape bend forward a few inches.

'Don't – lie – to me.'

'I'm not lying! Honestly, sir!' I said, my breathing becoming heavier. My mouth was dry.

There was another silence. It was the most uncomfortable silence I had ever spent.

'Miss Layner,' Snape said slowly. 'I'd advise you to confess.'

But I couldn't. I had already lied too much. It was too late now. I had to do everything to convince him of my nonexistent innocence. It was the only choice I had left.

'There is nothing to confess, sir, really!'

I flinched when there was a jerk of Snape's arm and a single knock. I looked down at the desk. There suddenly was a tiny bottle, filled with a black liquid, between us.

'Do you know what this is?'

'No, sir,' I said, truthfully this time. I stared at it worriedly.

'This,' Snape said, 'is a Lie-Revealing Potion. It will cause the drinker strong pain if any untruthful word has passed his lips within the previous seven minutes.'

I was in panic. I hadn't expected this! I was lost now. I opened my mouth to admit everything but Snape cut me short.

'Drink it.'

'Sir, I –'

Snape held up his hand and looked at me in the sternest way so far.

'Drink it,' he repeated in not much more than a whisper. The message was unmistakable. I had missed my chance to confess freely. He waited, unmoving as stone. I was petrified, too, in shock. I could hardly breathe. There was no way out of this.

I took the bottle and emptied it in one gulp. My mouth and throat immediately started to burn. I put the bottle back onto the desk and sat stiff as a statue. Was there any way that I could conceal the pain, which was now spreading my whole body more and more?

It was not. It felt as though thousands of needles were piercing me from the inside and the pain was becoming stronger and stronger. Already I could hardly stand it. My muscles were clenching. It was still becoming worse.

It was too much. I sank down from my chair onto the stone floor. I was on my hands and knees. Soon I was on my belly and face. My muscles were twitching uncontrollably and it was still getting worse. I could not even think about how humiliating this was. The pain was too strong. I wasn't able to relax my hurting muscles. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was gasping for air and it was still getting worse. I couldn't stand it.

'Please! Please!' I called out, twitching on the ground, gasping. I wanted to die. 'PLEASE!'

I heard the sound of a second bottle being placed onto the desk. Desperately and with all the strength I had left, I reared up and snatched the bottle from the table before falling to the ground again. Within a second I had removed the stopper and swallowed the content. The empty bottle shattered on the ground. Every single muscle was still twitching and the pain was still unbearable, but it was slowly fading. At the same time my clear consciousness was coming back and my shame was almost as bad as the pain.

I was still wheezing when the twitching had stopped, but I didn't move. I was rested on my forearms and stared at the ground. I didn't dare look up. I held my breath when I sensed some movement.

There was a sudden strong pull at my robes and I was forced onto my feet. Snape's face was only inches away from mine and I couldn't back off because he had me firmly grasped by the collar. I had never seen him so furious. When I couldn't stand his glare anymore, I closed my eyes, my face distorted in despair.

I was hustled backwards and let go. I almost fell over. I stared at Snape in fright. His face was cold and he stretched out his arm, pointing at the door.

'Out!' he spat.

I backed away until my shoulders hit the wall. Then I stood still, inwardly begging for mercy. But there was no mercy in Snape's eyes.

'Our lessons are at an end. Get – out!'

I turned around and ran for it.

It was only in the dormitory, my face pressed into my cushion, that I cried bitterly.

*

The next day, the other girls in my dormitory could not possibly overlook my puffy eyes. I told them something about a horrible nightmare and used a De-swelling Charm on myself. Nathalie told me that I still looked rather dreadful, but they asked no more.

I was miserable the whole day.

And I was miserable the whole next day.

And I was utterly horrified about Potions on Friday. Facing Snape again would be a nightmare.

However, one could hardly talk about facing. Snape didn't come near me the whole lesson. I might as well have been invisible. I gave all my devotion to the potion we were to brew, but he didn't come to look at it. I felt like having a heavy stone in my stomach.

I stayed behind when the other students left for lunch. The scarf bundle was in my schoolbag, ready to rejoin its true owner.

I was standing before Snape's desk, where he was putting something back into a drawer.

'Sir?' I said tentatively.

He didn't look up.

'Professor Snape, I'm sorry,' I forced out in a small voice.

Snape got up and walked off towards the door without deigning to look at me.

'Sir!' I called after him desperately. He was gone. I was standing alone in the dungeon classroom helplessly.

The weekend crept by. On Saturday I already missed Snape's tutoring as much as I had missed my parents during the first month at Hogwarts. I wished so much to return to Snape's office as though nothing had happened. Why had I been such a fool? But I would not give up that quickly. I would fight for what had become precious to me.

On Tuesday I was ready to try again.

Snape was already on his feet when the last student except for me had left. I stepped into his way, feeling very small.

'Professor!' I said pleadingly.

Snape stepped aside and passed me.

'Look at me!' I called at his back. 'You can't ignore me the next two years!'

Snape turned with a jerk.

'Don't tell me what I can or not, Miss Layner!'

At last a reaction, though not quite the one I had hoped for. But I had to seize the opportunity.

'Please, sir! I want to give it back to you,' I said, bearing Snape's hateful glare while I got the bundle out of my bag.

'How very noble of you,' Snape said dryly. I lowered my gaze and stretched out the bundle farther away from me.

'Please, sir, I haven't opened it.'

With an angry movement, Snape snatched it out of my hand and removed cord and scarf with a flick of his wand. I was scared to look at the bottle, but he held it directly in front of my face. It looked the same as the last time, but somehow it didn't. I felt no wish to seize it. I looked at Snape, whose lips were thin.

'Storing under the wrong conditions makes it useless.'

'I'm sorry,' I said feebly, staring at the ground.

'I hope you are.'

'Sir… I didn't want to take it. I - … It had control over me.'

'You don't need to tell me. I know all about the potion's magic perfectly well. Which, of course, makes you a poor victim,' Snape said coldly.

'No, sir, I didn't mean –' I stammered.

'Because it is not true,' Snape cut me short. 'Didn't I make it very clear that you are not to go anywhere near that cupboard? And yet you chose to violate my orders deliberately. And then you don't even confess what you have done, but lie right into my face. I gave you my time. I taught you. And this is how you thank me?'

'Sir…,' I whimpered. 'I know it was wrong… But did you never need a second chance?'

Snape took a large step towards me and forced me back against his desk. His eyes suddenly looked troubled. I was quite sure that the answer to my question was 'yes'.

'You are a thief, you are insolent and you are a liar. And yet you dare to come back and demand that I continue to teach you!'

He might as well have slapped me round the face. I was at a loss for words. What did you reply to an insult if it was true? I stared at Snape desperately, my eyes pleading.

'You are so arrogant that you think only because you are an above-average student you could get away with everything, could demand everything.'

It felt as though Snape had stuck a knife into my chest. I had erred, yes, and I had lied. But arrogant? Was I really?

Despair overwhelming me, I fell down to my knees.

'I know it is not up to me to demand anything. But I would do everything to make you forgive me!'

Snape grasped my arm irritably and pulled me back to my feet.

'Everything you say?' he asked provocatively.

I hesitated. I was very careful not to say anything untruthful again. But I trusted Snape, in a way. He would not want me to do anything illegal or immoral. And was there anything else I would not accept?

'Not everything, but everything you would demand of me,' I said.

There was a short silence.

'I give you a choice,' Snape finally said. His eyes were boring into mine. 'If you accept my punishment, we will continue the lessons. Otherwise you will mention them no more.'

Hope and fear were fighting for predominance. Snape was waiting for my answer.

'What –?' I began, but his glare told me that I was not allowed to ask.

'You can be sure that the punishment will be severe,' Snape said, towering over me. 'Well?'

My mind was blank. What would he do to me? I flung myself into the dark abyss.

'I accept,' I whispered. I could not read in Snape's face whether this was the answer he had hoped for or not.

'Be at my office on Saturday, usual time.'

With these words he turned and left the classroom.