IV. Punishment

During the Friday lesson, Snape was not any warmer towards me than the lesson before. This time, I avoided him in return.

I barely slept that night and I didn't take any breakfast in the morning for fear that I might vomit. Never in my whole life had I felt that scared. I didn't know what expected me and I didn't know if I would be even more frightened if I knew. During the almost five years I had already spent at Hogwarts, I had never received a punishment except for five points from Ravenclaw by Professor McGonagall for the only time I had ever been late. I was not used to being guilty.

The feared hour was approaching… I had never wished anything as much as I now wished to make the last to weeks undone.

But the feared hour was approaching… Only fifty minutes left. I couldn't think of anything else. I had come to the conclusion that I deserved whatever was coming, but it didn't make it any easier.

The feared hour was approaching…

The feared hour had come. It was one minute to six and I was standing in front of the heavy wooden door to Snape's office and stretched out one hand. It was trembling. I felt sick.

Knock – knock – knock…

'Enter.'

I took a deep breath and pulled the door open. The office had always been slightly eerie, lit only by a few candles, which cast a dancing light upon jars with gloomy pickled animal parts.

Snape was standing next to his desk.

'Good evening, Miss Layner.'

I said nothing. Snape knew well enough that this would be no good evening for me. I looked at the desk. My worst fears, which I hadn't dared to think, proved true. There, lying on the desk, ready to be used, was a simple leather belt.

'Remove you robes and jumper,' said Snape.

I stared at him in horror and opened my mouth to protest. Snape did nothing. He just waited for what I would do. I wondered if he would allow me to retreat if I changed my mind now. I closed my mouth again, pressing my lips together. I looked away from Snape.

How much would it hurt? There was barely anything I was more afraid of than I was of pain. Probably most people had endured more pain than I had. I was a careful girl. No broken bones so far, no severe injuries at all. How much would it hurt?

Frantically, I tried to convince myself that this was good. It would let the private lessons continue and it would make sure that I would never be so foolish again to endanger them once more.

Slowly, my fingers sweaty and cold, I opened the buckle of my robes. This was so humiliating. Watched by Snape, I took off the cloak and hung it over the back of the chair. Then I pulled the uniform jumper over my head and it joined the cloak. I stood before Snape in my shirt, avoiding his gaze. I had troubles keeping my breath calm.

'Stretch out your arms.'

I followed his order, although I didn't know to what this would lead. Snape tipped my ankles with his wand. Two ropes enlaced them and tied themselves to the ceiling, pulling my hands upwards. My arms formed a tight 'V' and I stood on tiptoes to prevent the ropes from cutting into the flesh of my ankles. I was trapped.

Snape performed another non-verbal spell and my shirt was pulled loose out from under my skirt. Then its back was ripped apart and the slit opened wide. My skin was exposed and I was at Snape's mercy. I was in panic. I couldn't move. I couldn't flee. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Snape taking the belt. My insides were screaming no.

This is good. This is necessary. It will make sure I won't do something foolish again.

Snape stepped out of my field of view. He was behind me now. I was filled up with horror to the rim.

This is good. This is necessary. It will make me a better person.

I was waiting for the first blow.

This is good. It's a good evening.

What was he waiting for?

This is good –

SWOOP. I gasped. I would have lost balance if the ropes hadn't held me in place. My weight pulled at my ankles. I lifted myself back onto my tiptoes.

SWOOP. The skin of my back was on fire. It was worse than I had expected. Every cell of my body was screaming for release.

SWOOP. The pain pressed the air out of me and sent tears to my eyes.

Please, please, stop it!

But I would not beg for mercy. Then everything would have been for nothing.

SWOOP. I had my eyes pressed together. I whimpered. I had difficulties to breathe. How much longer?

SWOOP. I wriggled as much as the ropes allowed. I had given up standing on my tiptoes. My ankles were aching and it felt as though there was no blood left in my arms. But it was nothing compared to the pain of my back.

SWOOP. I wouldn't be able to stand this much longer.

Please, please, stop it!

SWOOP. This one hurt especially much. I breathed noisily. I could tell that Snape was not using all of his strength. I would be bleeding like mad if he did.

SWOOP. It hurt like hell.

Please not another one, please!

SWOOP.

Silence. Relief. Exhaustion.

I heard Snape putting the belt back onto his desk. The ropes vanished and I fell limply to the ground. My hands felt hot as the blood flowed back into them. I noticed that my shirt was fixed again and Snape dropped my jumper in front of me.

I was trembling violently and it took me a while to put the jumper back on. Once I had finished, Snape seized my upper arm and pulled me upright. I expected to be sent to my common room now, but I was wrong.

'Get into the corner.'

I felt like crying. Was my punishment not over yet? My back still burning like mad, I went to the only free corner of the office and stood there facing the bleak stone wall.

'You will stay there without moving or making any noise,' Snape ordered.

I said nothing.

There was the noise of a chair being moved and the rustling of parchment. Silence. The scratching sound of a quill every couple of seconds.

There was nothing new to hear and the stone wall was even more boring. My thoughts started to drift.

Had this been how Snape usually punished students who were in detention? No, of course not. Teachers weren't allowed to. That was why Snape had given me the choice. At least I supposed so.

It was not for long until I wished nothing more that to sit down, or better, to sleep. Now that the horrible tension I had felt all day was gone, tiredness swept over me. For the first time I felt the lack of sleep and food. My stomach was completely empty and I was thirsty, too. My feet were already protesting and my head began to feel dizzy.

How long would Snape let me stand here? I had soon lost track of time completely. I only knew that I had been standing for very long already. I would have liked to check my watch, but this certainly counted as movement. I didn't dare to shift my weight from one foot to the other either. I wanted to prevent Snape from being angry at all costs.

Never, never again, I thought.

It had to be very late… My feet were hurting and I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand much longer. But there was no sign that Snape would soon allow me to leave.

How could I have let it come so far? If only I had not lied. I was sure it would not have been nearly as bad if I had told him the truth straightaway. How could I have thought lying would help me?

I was so exhausted that even the cold stone floor was suddenly very inviting. How much longer? Had Snape forgotten that I was there? Was it already after midnight? Had he gone to bed? No, there was the scribbling again…

I could tell that the blood pressure in my head was dropping. The ground seemed to sway slightly. Black spots were spreading my field of view… I was falling backwards…

The last thing I knew was that my head hit the ground and that it was finally over.

*

Why did Angela and Nathalie look at me in that strange way? They were obviously thinking that I looked horrible. Was I really? My eyes weren't puffy again, were they? Maybe it was because I had wrapped my Ravenclaw scarf around my head like a turban. People didn't usually do that, right? But who cared? It felt so nice, so warm…

The scarf at my forehead shifted slightly. Was that normal? A scarf shifting of its own accord? Well, everything was possible at Hogwarts, wasn't it? But when I came to think about it… I didn't remember having put that scarf around my head…

Very slowly, I disengaged myself from my dream. I realized that it was not a scarf at all, but a hand, which was laid upon my forehead. I didn't open my eyes, though. I felt very comfortable right now. Apparently, I was lying in a bed.

Then I remembered. The fear. The pain. But it seemed very far away now. I just felt comfortable.

The hand was removed.

I felt wide awake now, but I didn't want to return to reality. I feared that waking up would take away my current complacency.

I sensed some movement next to me. My curiosity won. Finally, I opened my eyes.

It was a small room without window, lit only by candles and a small fireplace. Apart from the bed, in which I was lying, there was an ancient looking armchair, a wardrobe and a bedside table. No decoration.

On the armchair, facing me, sat Professor Snape.

'How are you feeling?' he asked. His voice was as neutral as could be.

'I'm fine,' I mumbled. Which I was, bodily at least. I felt well rested and didn't feel any pain, which surprised me.

I checked my watch. It said quarter past 10, but I noticed at once that it was out of order. The glass was broken and the arms didn't move. This must be the time when I had lost consciousness.

Where was my wand? I was still dressed in my uniform, only my robes where nowhere to be seen and I had put my wand in one of its inside pockets.

'What's the time, sir?' I asked tentatively. His presence made me feel most uneasy after what had happened.

'It is almost midday. You were fast asleep before you could regain consciousness,' Snape answered and passed me a goblet, filled to the rim with a murky orange substance. 'Drink this.'

I sat up carefully and took the goblet. I didn't ask what sort of potion this was, but chose to trust Snape that it would be good for me. It tasted acerbic, but made me feel warm.

'Thanks,' I said. I suspected that I had already received some other treatment from Snape while I had been sleeping. Both my head and my back felt perfectly normal.

However, there was another, more important question on my mind. Even the mere thought of asking it made my pulse accelerate.

I placed the empty goblet onto the bedside table and watched Snape. He was not looking at me. His eyes were unfocused and he seemed deep in thoughts.

'Sir…,' I began in a small voice. 'Are you still angry with me?'

Snape didn't react and resolutely kept staring into nothingness. But I knew that he had heard me. A twitching muscle of his face had betrayed him.

What was that supposed to mean? Didn't he want me to know or wasn't he quite sure about it himself? I changed my strategy.

'Sir,' I began again, but this time I waited until he finally turned to face me. 'I swear I will never lie to you again.'

None of us broke the eye-contact. We both sat stiff as statues and for a moment it seemed as if time had decided it deserved a rest. Then Snape slowly raised one eyebrow.

'And what do you think might give me reason to believe you?'

I hesitated.

'I will make the Unbreakable Vow.'

Snape got up abruptly.

'Don't be silly,' he said harshly, and – just for something to do? – pulled out his wand and made the goblet vanish.

'I'm earnest,' I said calmly while Snape was tucking his wand back into his pocket rather carefully. I was slightly frightened about that idea, but even more determined.

Still on his feet, Snape looked at me inquiringly.

'An Unbreakable Vow is out of the question,' he said.

'Then you can only believe my plain promise,' I replied.

Snape said nothing, but his eyes told me that he accepted.