A Wistful Love

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. They all belong to Tamora Pierce.

Chapter 8

Exhaustion & Pain

It was afternoon and the sun was hot overhead. Kel sighted down her lance through squinted eyes in defense against the bright light of the day. She was perched atop Peachblossom and her already bruised body was begging for rest. Her rigorous training schedule over the last two weeks had exhausted her both mind and body so that all she could do at night was fall into a deep, consuming sleep. Unwanted thoughts concerning Dom had no time to surface during her self-inflicted discipline. Kel was almost to the point of numbness, where no one and nothing could affect her any longer.

Everyone had taken notice, including her closest friends. Neal in particular had become a nuisance, venting his worry over her "self-torture" Her meals had become a game of avoidance, much to the frustration of her best friend. Owen, Merric, and Faleron had mentioned her tireless training also, curious if anything was wrong. She had waved away their concern. Dom had been conveniently absent throughout the last two weeks. She'd heard from Neal that he was worried and stressed about something. News of this only made Kel more determined to forget her infatuation with him. His love for another woman only made her feel all the more foolish.

Even Raoul, who usually left her alone for the most part, had commented on her unusual dedication to the tournament. She had given him the same answer she had given everyone else. She felt rusty after such little combat and wanted to perfect her skills in time for the Midsummer tournament. It had become almost effortless to recite after so many inquiries. Her Yamani mask never failed her in these situations and only the very closest of friends could see through the still veneer of her expressionless face. Though he didn't mention the issue anymore, Kel could tell she hadn't convinced him with her story.

Now Kel was once again in the saddle, having recovered from her last meeting with the ground. She silently ignored the discomfort from a two week's tally of pain and faced her former knight master once more. Raoul had agreed to joust with her several times in the last week though he'd made it clear what he thought about her non-stop pace. His only justification had been that if he was her opponent, at least he could keep an eye on her. In answer, Kel had said that his worry was not necessary accompanied with her usual bland expression. He'd shaken his head and proceeded to leave it at that.

"Ready, Kel?" Raoul's deep voice floated from across the outdoor practice courts.

Kel once again resettled her lance before saluting him. Then she waited for his signal. When it came, she sent Peachblossom barreling down the lane, her eyes glued to the center boss of Raoul's shield. The thundering of her warhorse's hooves was a roaring in her ears. A moment before they collided, Kel could already tell she was wrong, and a split second later, she was airborne. Her already beaten body shuddered with pain when she hit the ground and for several long seconds she didn't move. Closing her eyes, she finally gathered the strength to push herself up. Peachblossom had already found his way to her and was even now nuzzling her hair. Raoul trotted his own mount forward until he sat only a few feet away, a worried look on his face.

"You alright, Kel? Looked like you took a hard fall there." Kel lifted her gaze to his and gave him a smile, but it turned out more like a grimace. Wincing, she pressed a hand to her cheek. It came away smeared with blood. Sighing in disgust, she used Peachblossom to help her to her feet, and then faced Raoul again.

"I'm fine really. It's no more than I usually receive after such a wonderful flight."

Raoul's worried look didn't leave and only grew more concerned when he caught sight of the scrape across her cheek."You're done in Kel, and you need to have that cut seen to. Last thing you need is an infection. Before you know it, half your face will have rotted off."

His morbid humor had Kel cracking a tired smile, but even Raoul could see that it didn't reach her eyes. Usually so clear, her hazel eyes were shadowed with fatigue and a hidden pain. Though it was anyone's guess what that pain could be. After the Lioness had approached him about Kel's unusual behavior, he hadn't realized something was wrong. He'd been busy and he and his former squire had scarcely seen each other. Raoul had taken care to make inquiries with Kel's closest friends. They were all clueless as to what had come over Kel. Neal had been the only one to show some insight on the situation, mentioning that Dom was acting in much the same way. Curious, he'd searched out his sergeant to no avail. But Raoul hadn't given up yet. He was sure he'd catch up with Dom sooner or later. As for Kel, he felt helpless to do anything until he could pinpoint the problem.

"Well, get moving Lady Knight. I can't have you dropping dead from exhaustion."

Kel nodded her agreement and saluted her former knight master one last time before leading Peachblossom back to the stables. Raoul watched her go, worry in his eyes.

8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8

Kel trudged back to the stables. Her body felt as if a giant had taken a really big sledgehammer to it, which was true considering Raoul was a giant of man. His sledgehammer just happened to be a lance. As she struggled back up the hill, Kel turned her thoughts to a hot bath and food to ease her aches. She'd started training early in the morning and all of her hard work was starting to take its toll. She had bruises on top of bruises. Leading Peachblossom into the stables, Kel began to take off his tack and brush him down. The entire process was done in a numb state, her mind too tired to really concentrate on the task at hand. Once she was finished, she gave him one last pat on the head, before heading back to the palace.

Kel was just turning into the hall that led to her room when she collided blindly with someone. Her mind too bleary to react very quickly, she stumbled heavily and almost fell. Her victim was quicker than her and caught her before she could slide onto the floor. Kel was grateful. If she had actually fallen, she wasn't so sure she would have had the energy to rise again. She was already apologizing when she lifted her head to acknowledge her clumsiness. It was then that she became aware of him. Her eyes met the deep blue of his and she froze. Kel's entire body stiffened in numb surprise and she stopped in mid-sentence. Dom was the first to recover.

"Kel! I'm so sorry! I didn't realize—Mithros! Is that blood? What happened? We need to get you to a healer. You look terrible!" Dom, who was already supporting her weight, began to lift her. She winced when his arms pressed against one of her numerous bruises. He didn't miss her grimace of pain and shifted so that the pressure was relieved. "You've taken a royal beating. Where did all these bruises come from?"

Kel finally regained her tongue and began to protest. "No! I'm fine, really. It's just a small cut and the usual training bumps. Dom, put me down! I'm too heavy for you!" But it was too late. He had already scooped her into his arms as if she weighed nothing at all and was marching toward the healer's. She knew if she made a fuss, she'd end up making more of a spectacle than they already had. Embarrassed and shocked, Kel could barely form the words she was trying to relay. "Domitan of Masbolle! I'm serious! I don't need to be carried about like a small child."

"I beg to differ lady knight. You're injured, so exhausted you can barely stand, and you have someone who is willing to carry you."

Kel simply stared into his face. Every once in a while Dom would glance down, but for the most part he concentrated on walking. It was so odd. After two weeks of avoidance, the awkwardness between them had simply dissipated.

"First of all, the injuries you claim are a small cut and a handful of bruises, barely worth the trouble of a healer. Second, I am perfectly able to stand on my own two feet. I'm not that tired. And last, even if you're willing, it doesn't mean I am. Besides, I'm no petite lady."

Dom shook his head. "Well if you were able to stand alone you wouldn't have almost fallen back there. As for the silly comment about your size, well I won't even dignify it with an answer. It's insulting for you to think I'm such a pansy that I'd fold under your small weight."

"But, Dom. I know for a fact that—"

Dom stopped abruptly, forcing to Kel grab onto his neck tightly for fear of slipping out of his arms. He stared down into her face, his eyes searching and suddenly hooded. In a quiet voice, he interrupted her protest. "I've missed you, Kel. I don't think I really understood how much until you and I ran into each other."

His simple statement brought back all the reasons why they'd grown uncomfortable with each other. For a short moment she was silent. Then she replied in a cautious tone. "I don't know what you mean. Neither of us have gone anywhere."

Dom stared for several long moments before giving her a overly bright smile. "Of course. I should get you to the healers." He began to walk again, but their friendly banter was gone, replaced with the same tension-filled silence of their last meeting. Kel kept her eyes averted from his face and he ceased talking. She was uncomfortably aware of the intimate hold he had on her. She could feel the warmth of his bare skin and the silky smoothness of his hair where it brushed her arms. This was not something she had anticipated. And it was certainly not something she would want anyone else to see and interpret wrongly either. Her voice a soft entreaty, she pleaded once again for him to put her down.

"Dom, please, let me down. I promise I can walk myself to the healer's. Besides, I'm sure you wouldn't want anyone to see us and get the wrong idea. You know how nobles are. They're always looking to gossip. Just think, what would your lady-love think if she heard about this. I'm sure it wouldn't help your case with her."

At the mention of Dom's love, he froze and once again came to a halt. His bright blue gaze flew back to hers, searching. "My lady-love?"

Kel swallowed hard and forced her expression into polite, but distant lines. "Yes. The woman you love who hasn't yet returned your feelings. Remember, you mentioned her on the battlements."

Dom jaw clenched and Kel could see the flex of muscle in his cheek. His voice became ironic, almost bitter. "Yes well, like you said, she doesn't return my feelings. It doesn't matter anymore."

Kel felt a pang in her chest at the mention of the woman who had captured Dom's heart. Determined to be the friend that he'd always seen her as, Kel disagreed. "But it does. If you love her, than you have to fight for her. I always knew you'd make a wonderful husband and father someday. You mustn't let it just slip away so easily. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy."

"Is that really what you want? For me to be happy?" Dom's impulsive question caught her off guard. Unsure of the answer he expected, Kel frowned.

"I don't understand why you'd ask me that. Of course I want you to be happy. I care about you, Dom."

Dom laughed. But it wasn't the bright clear laugh of joy, but of bitterness. "Yes, I know that. You care about everyone, Kel. But does it go beyond that? Can you even love, Kel? I think you use that Yamani mask of yours as a shield, to distance yourself from everyone. You don't want the burden of loving someone, so you keep them at arm's length. Even my cousin Neal hasn't breached your impenetrable wall. Else he wouldn't be coming to me about your problems, trying to figure out what lies beneath that stone face of yours."

Even as he said the words, Dom knew on a deeper level that they weren't true. He'd seen Kel's compassion and love for her friends and comrades too many times to count. She cared deeply about people, sometimes a little too much. Her mission to save her refugees at the end of the Scanran War had been just one of the examples of her love for people. She'd risked everything to save the lives of commoners. Committing treason was no small matter.

Almost immediately, Dom regretted his words. They had been words of endless frustration, not real truth. But it was too late. Dom saw it in the way her face seemed to freeze and lose all its color. Her eyes shuttered and and grew emotionless, but not before Dom saw the hurt. It had been just a flicker, but it had been very real. If she had been like stone before, she was now a true Yamani, letting nothing affect her. Kel was gone, replaced by an emotionless shell.

Fear took the place of his frustration. Dom didn't want to lose whatever remained of his friendship to Kel. "I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from. I've just been a little frustrated lately. Please Kel, forgive me. We both know what I said wasn't true."

Kel didn't respond other than to nod. "Of course I forgive you, Dom. Don't worry about it. Now, if you please, I'd like to be put down." Her voice was flat, with no variation.

Helpless to do anything but what she asked, Dom set her gently on her feet. She turned and thanked him politely before excusing herself for the healer's. Dom watched her go with the realization that he had just severed whatever hope had remained for the two of them. He'd lost Kel. The only woman who'd ever meant anything to him.

A/N: Ok, Chapter 8 is up. I made it one of my longer chapters in order to help appease my readers ;) I hope you guys enjoyed it. I know that I've taken virtually forever for this and I really have no excuse except for being extremely busy and having a very large case of writer's block. I know I promised last time that I wouldn't take as long but it seemed as if one thing after another kept happening. Since I last updated I did graduate with an Academic Honors Diploma and for that I'm extremely happy. Also, we had massive flooding in my city recently which required massive clean-up. And in the middle of all that we had my baby sister's open heart surgery, which went extraordinarily well :D Just know that I haven't been wasting my time. Please forgive my lateness and hopefully the next posting will be sooner. Don't forget to review! -Lupus17