Chapter 3
I was in a crowded room, and bodies swirled around me. People started pulling at my hands and hair, pulling me in all different directions. Just when I thought I was going to burst, an arm closed around me and pulled me to safety.
"Thanks." I said breathlessly, turning to face the person. That's when I saw his face. He smiled hugely, and brushed his curly hair from in front of his eyes. I tried to run, but he grabbed my arm and held on. I screamed for help, but no one was listening. I yelled and yelled as he tightened his grip and started to drag me away…
I sat up suddenly in bed, and looked around. There was Emma's room, as familiar to me as my own. There was Emma, sleeping peacefully next to me. I sighed and lay back down.
It had been two weeks since I had moved into Emma's house, and I was trying to put everything behind me and move on. I told myself again and again that what had happened was just a dream, a horrible nightmare, even though deep down I knew that wasn't true.
I closed my eyes again, and tried to slip back into a peaceful sleep. I hadn't slept well since that night, and my exhaustion was starting to show. After trying to force myself to relax for another thirty minutes, Emma's alarm clock started beeping. I groaned and sat up in bed. It was going to be a long day.
****
I felt like I was a ghost of my past self. Every day at school I would go through the motions, pretend to be excited, pretend to laugh, pretend to be happy. But on the inside, I felt empty. Like someone had carved part of myself out, and left me stranded, grappling to find the part of myself that I had lost.
School was the worst part. When I was home with Emma, I could pass off my slowly deteriorating mental state as being tired or stressed out. At school, I needed to constantly force myself to put on a smile, to act energetic, to have fun. And in class, I had to force myself to stay focused on my work, to not let my mind stray. Because whenever I did, his face would be all I could see.
For these reasons, I found myself walking outside of the Degrassi, instead of listening to Ms. Quan talk about whatever it is we were reading in English. I didn't know where I was supposed to go, or what I was supposed to do, but as long as I didn't have to be in school, I didn't care.
I walked along the sidewalk, until I spotted an alleyway with a couple of kids from school. As I got closer, I noticed Johnny DeMarco leaning against the wall, smoking weed. I knew I should keep going, maybe go hide out in the Dot, but instead I walked over to Johnny and sat down a couple feet away from him. He glanced at me and raised his eyebrows.
"Ms. Manny Santos." He said, smirking at me. "What are you doing here? Should you be in school, waving some pom poms?"
He turned away, but I continued to stare at him. At that moment, I envied him, envied his ability to escape from his problems. Until I realized that I could do the same thing.
"Hey." I said. He glanced at me, his eyes curious. "Can I have some of that?"
Johnny stared at me in disbelief. "You want to share my joint?" He asked, incredulously. "Uh, sure, I guess." He handed the thing to me, looking slightly amused.
I stared at it, before bringing it to my lips and inhaling deeply. I felt like my mouth was on fire, and I started coughing hard. My eyes watered, and when I finally stopped coughing, I noticed Johnny and his friends were laughing at me.
"First time?" He asked, amused. I nodded. "You won't get high your first time." He said, shaking his head. He reached out his hand to collect his joint, but I held it away from him.
"You sure I can't get high?" I asked, bringing the joint to my lips again. I tried to hold the smoke in as long as I could before I had to cough it up.
Johnny shrugged. "Maybe if you're really lucky. I only got high my third."
I sighed. I had never in my life been really lucky. But whatever. Practice makes perfect, right? I repeated that mantra in my head as I brought the joint to my lips for a third time.