Uhm... I could have sworn I had something to say here...
oh well:
READ ON!
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"Who does Medic think he is?"
"Yeah!"
"Always healing Spy, always healing Pyro, always healing Demoman!"
"I know!"
"What about Heavy's healing? When does Heavy get heals?"
"Can't tell ya, mate."
BLU's Heavy was surrounded by three women: RED's Medic, RED's Sniper, and RED's Demo(wo)man laughed alongside him as he shouted angrily about BLU's Medic. "Ya maybe shooda gi'in that Medic whatfor, aye?"
"No need to be zo violent, Demowoman." RED's Medic said, her devilish smirk planted on her face. "If Heavy vants a Medic, he can have a Medic vitout a fight."
"Are you implying treason, Doc?" RED's Sniper asked, grasping the tiny woman in her arm and fighting to tussle her hair.
"Auuu!! Herr Zniper, releaze me…!"
The Australian complied, but for a different reason. "Oh, finally got yerself up, lil' miss?" Sniper released the female Medic and looked up to the balcony above them. There was a young woman who had seemed to have just left the dormitories. She was dressed haphazardly, and it looked like she had been crying for a while. "What's the matter, Scout?"
RED's Scout sniffled and rubbed her eyes with her arm. "I… I'm sorry, am I interrupting anything?"
"Cummon down 'n' join us!" Demo(wo)man ordered. The young woman looked down at the four, and she tensed.
"Is that… BLU's Heavy? He's not all…"
"'asn't tooched anay butts yet, yer safe, lass."
"What have I not touched?" Heavy asked, getting confused at the women's conversation.
Scout smiled as she found her way downward to the group below her. "Oh, that wasn't what I was thinking of. Of course not."
"Of course not? Mate, you were bawlin' yer eyes out last night. Whatever did that Spy do ta ya?"
Scout looked indignant that no one understood her suffering. "No one has ever touched me there, not even my boyfriend! He kept asking for a kiss or a hug but he's waited for me until I was ready! How can I tell him that he wasn't the first one to touch me that way?"
"You zound like zis Zpy took your virginity."
"Not that it'd be that bad. I mean, Spies do tend to end up sexy as hell."
"You girls are impossible!" Scout wailed, flailing in horror. "Why did I ever get stuck with you, anyway?"
"Little Girl!" Scout blinked and turned to Heavy, her eyes wide. "Do not be sad, Little Girl. When Spy wakes up, I will PUNCH him good for you, so do not cry!"
The young woman stared at the hulking man before her, and she suddenly realized why he had so many women surrounding him. He was just so funny! She smiled brightly in his direction. "Oh, you don't have to punch him. We kinda gave him a trashing when he was here. I feel a little bad for him now. How is he doing?"
"He is taking time from MEDIC healing my HURTS." Scout's eyes widened, and she retreated from the man. She shivered in fear when the smiling behemoth turned into an angry monster. "I have hurts that need healing and he does NOTHING for them!"
"I see that…" Scout said quickly, edging back and hiding behind Sniper. She took back everything she thought before; this man was like a huge bear: cute at first glance, but ready to rend anyone apart in mere seconds.
She looked up at Sniper, and the woman smiled back at Scout. "Don't worry, mate. We've got it under control."
Like that wasn't the most cryptic thing Scout had ever heard. She opened her mouth, but she was interrupted when something flashed into appearance. RED's Spy appeared and saluted her superior. "Reporting for duty, Lady Sniper."
"There you are, Spy. I was wonderin' when you were gunna show yerself." Sniper turned to Scout, pried the young woman from her back, attached her to Demo(wo)man's back, and turned back to the female European, who was lighting up as she waited. "Come on, I need ta speak with ya."
"Of course." She turned to Heavy and gave him a wave. "Good day, gentlemen." And with that, she turned on her heel and followed Sniper off. The four that were left in the room stared after the two, and Scout slowly detached herself from Demo(wo)man to get a better look at where the two left.
"Did… she just call us 'gentlemen'…?" Scout asked.
"And you had doubts zat she vas insane?" Medic said bluntly, arms crossed.
"Is wrong?" Heavy asked, "BLU Spy says 'Gentlemen' all the time. Right before I PUNCH him for making little girls cry!"
RED's Medic smiled widely, her smile was hidden from the man's face and her lips spread from ear to ear devilishly. This man was so simple; Medic had to fight from cackling loudly. "Now now, Heavy, you remember zat violence iz not alwayz zee answer. If you need a Medic, I can be your Medic."
Heavy looked happy at the prospect, but Scout and Demo(wo)man exchanged glances of light fear. That arrangement probably wouldn't end well…
The women shrugged at each other. But what the huge Russian didn't know, wouldn't hurt him too much, right?
---
Soldier muttered under his breath. The entire RED base was filled with girly frilly pink and red THINGS. It was enough for the man to gag in repulsion. Was there anything that wasn't so damn girly around here?
…Aside from the sewers?
The man sighed as he found his way down into the muck. He heard that RED's Pyro hadn't found his/her way up again even after the treaty. Soldier was hoping a bit that s/he didn't know there was a cease fire and they could clobber each other for a while. Rough sex was hot anyway.
…Although rough sex in a place that stank of rat refuse was NOT hot. Soldier mentally added that and made sure to offer a better place than this for next time.
He sloshed through the sewage, looking around for the supposed Pyro, and the moment he hopped down from the pipe, something came down to cleave his helmet in two. He reached up with lightning reflexes and caught the handle of the fire axe. He yanked on the axe, fully expecting his "enemy" to be dragged along, but RED's Pyro held fast. This surprised Soldier; he didn't ever imagine that a woman could be even close to his strength!
He frowned and held fast as the pyro yanked on his axe, and suddenly a light bulb appeared over his head. With a smile, Soldier released the axe, and Pyro was sent sprawling to the floor. The RED asbestos blob reached to grab the axe and continue the battle, but Soldier let out a blood curdling scream and leaped on top of him/her. Pyro screamed in anger as Soldier dropped on top of him. "Well, you're a feisty one!"
"Mmph! Mmphphpmmmmph!" the creature spat. S/he struggled in his grip and snarled.
Soldier chuckled at how strong s/he was. It would make for some interesting and rather lengthy sex. "Now now, girly, there's been a truce. You don't have to fight anymore." Pyro stopped immediately and stared at Soldier, as if s/he couldn't believe it. "So you can stop your fighting if you want. We're all friends here. Although, I bet you're a right pretty one under that mask."
Pyro simply stared at Soldier from behind his/her mask. The entire sewers were absolutely quiet, and then suddenly…
…there were sounds from Pyro. They were wheezing types of sounds, as if the pyro were taking sharp, small intakes of air. It took Soldier a long moment to realize s/he was laughing. S/he was laughing at him!
"Okay, what's so funny, lady?" The man released her slightly, and Pyro grasped his/her mask, shaking with laughter. "You got somethin' to say?"
Pyro lifted his/her finger, still laughing. It took him/her a long while, but s/he finally calmed down. Finally, s/he grasped at his/her helmet, and began to remove it. Soldier blinked as s/he pulled the mask up ever so slowly…
That jaw… Soldier stared at it intently. The small flecks of hair that hadn't been singed off… The cheekbones, the creased lips… they looked specifically… no, it couldn't be…
RED's Pyro removed his mask, and he smiled up at the soldier on top of him. "Yo, amigo," he said in a thick Latin American accent.
Soldier recoiled in horror with a shout, and the man laughed in delight. He smiled widely and suddenly spoke in a rather refined American accent. "Ahhh, Dio, if only you could see your face! Truly priceless!"
"You're a! You're a!!"
"Un hombre. Si. What did you expect?"
Soldier shuddered in horror at the thought. "I assumed WOMEN joined ALL FEMALE regiments, maggot!"
The Chilean sat up and collected his mask. "But when I wear this, I can pretend to be a woman and sneak in! Think about it, amigo; everywhere you look. Women as far as the eye can see. Truly, a paradise!" Well, the Soldier didn't doubt that in the slightest. He opened his mouth, but the pyro interrupted him with a sigh, "at least, that's what I thought before joining."
"How'd your plans mess up? Did you think you could get away with pretending to be a woman the whole time?"
"I underestimated the women. I assumed they were… you know, womanly." The man chuckled lightly at the thought. "I sure was proved wrong. They're… how does one say it, monsters? Si. It is… it is torture in here. The moment they found out I was a man, they stuck me down in the sewers. Can you believe they beat me if I try to leave this place without their say?"
"And you let them boss you around like a kid? You're a man, private! Suck it up!" Soldier said, clearly unimpressed by the man.
"Have you FOUGHT one of them, amigo? No, of course not, so do not speak. In fact, if they found out I was talking to you about this, I'd be in deep… how does one say it… ahhh, mierda…" Soldier opened his mouth, but the pyro refused to speak any further. He stuck his mask on and snorted through his filter. "Mmphmphph!"
"So you're going to hide down here like the maggot you are? I suppose I wasn't so wrong about you. You're no better than a woman!" Soldier growled. Pyro touched his mask with his hand and pretended to blow a kiss to Soldier, clearly making fun of the BLU for his previous actions. The man snarled at Pyro, turned on his heels, and left.
But what that man said… he said that the women hurt and beat him simply for being male. The girls seemed nice enough on the outside, but BLU's Spy was still in the infirmary. Soldier wondered just how long it would take before someone else crossed a line. Perhaps Medic was right; these women were loose cannons, and weren't to be trusted…
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I'm only revealing this Pyro here because he'll only be appearing in this story and probably will never appear again. Or if he ever does, it'll be as a bit character. I really wanted a South American instead of an Asian this time around (hurhur Heavy's Asian so there), so I went with Chile. His manner of speech is kind of based off of my mother. She doesn't know much Spanish but her accent is wonderful. I kinda wanted him to have trouble grasping the English Language but be really good at speaking it. That way I don't have to look up how a Chilean accent should look.
HURRAY FOR LAZINESS?
Hope you enjoyed it. Tell me how much it sucks, please~