Thanks to all who reviewed. You make my life.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Warnings: Slash. Don't like? Get out.
So Harry might be slightly OOC in this story in that he's a Devious, Nasty, Conniving little boy (I like capitalizing those words. It adds emphasis to how sort of evil he's going to be). But, you know, it's required, in my opinion, for the art of matchmaking. Or rather, for matchmaking that involves Snape. So yeah, he's OOC.
Chapter Two: In Which Harry Potter Presents His Theory to His Friends and the Devious Plan is Born
Harry was fully aware that Remus Lupin was a homosexual.
He hadn't been explicitly told by the man, "I play for our team, Harry," or anything remotely similar, he had actually pieced the truth out of snippets of conversations he had overheard between the werewolf and people ranging from Sirius to Dumbledore to Mad Eye Moody. And it was only after he'd been absolutely sure that what he'd heard meant what he thought it did that he asked Remus himself about and, after assuring the flustered and embarrassed man that he didn't care about his orientation and he was just curious about the last remaining father figure he had, Remus had confirmed that he was, in fact, attracted strictly to men. Harry hadn't given the idea much thought after then, it was just another random fact a friend had confided in him, like Ron's Snape-Spider Head nightmare and Neville's tradition of giving his mother bubble gum wrappers every time he visited her. It was just something about Remus that made him Remus.
As for Snape, though Harry had no actual proof that he had the same preferences as Remus, he knew for a fact that while Snape had loved his mother, there had been nothing even remotely sexual about those feelings. And, as far as Harry knew, and he liked to think he knew quite a lot about the surly Potions Master, considering he had, after all, seen the man's close-to-dying thoughts, Snape had never harbored an attraction, let alone actual feelings for any other woman since Lily.
And of course, now that he was actually thinking about it, Harry realized he probably should have known all along. All the signs had been pointing to it since his third year, from Remus's ridiculous attempts at politeness towards the vicious, angry brick wall that had been Snape five years ago to Snape's continuing production of wolfsbane without the threat of Dumbledore's wrath hanging over his head nowadays. And now, at dinner the evening after what he considered the blatant display of irrevocable proof that the two of them had put on in the entrance hall that afternoon, Harry could see it as plain as day: the heated glances, the way they carefully avoided physical and even eye contact with the other, how obviously aware of each other they were.
Yes, Harry was sure he was absolutely right.
He set down his fork with a loud, attention drawing thump, ignoring the way it sprayed a small amount of juice from the piece of pork he had speared before the two professors had distracted him straight into Ron's eye.
Most of the Gryffindors just ignored him, as well as Ron's fevered cursing, and continued to eat and carry on their own personal conversations, as random outbursts from the young wizarding hero had been becoming more and more frequent in this terribly boring time of peace. Hermione, Ginny, and Neville, however, glanced over, and Hermione set about dabbing at Ron's now red and watering eye with a damp napkin, rolling her eyes as she did so. Harry stared around at them all impressively when Ron's eye was clean enough for a properly expectant look, and grinned.
"So you all know that I've been looking for something to do," he began and Ginny snorted.
"Of course," she said rather bitterly, "You don't know how to bloody shut up about it."
"Well," Harry continued, ignoring his girlfriend but for the slight twitch he couldn't stop his eyebrow from giving, "I've found it."
To their credit, none of his four friends rolled their eyes or decided to just stop listening to yet another one of his tirades about what the world needs and other such nonsense. Although, Neville did begin to smile in a way that suggested he was already bored, which irked Harry to no end. He frowned.
"What is it?" Hermione asked encouragingly and he turned to her, smiling. She, at least, he could count on for support.
"Well," he said, "I have recently discovered that a close friend of ours fancies someone else we know," he paused for dramatic effect and looked around to find that now all four pairs of eyes looked keenly interested. Neville actually leaned forward.
"Who?" he asked rather eagerly for someone who wasn't known for gossiping, "Who fancies who?" Harry grinned.
"I have decided to play matchmaker for them," he continued, deliberately dodging Neville's question, "Since neither of them is the type to initiate a relationship themselves. Especially with the other."
"Who?" Neville and Ginny chorused, the latter sounding more than a little frustrated. Ron was looking bewildered, while Hermione looked dangerously skeptical. Harry made a point of ignoring both of them and grinned at Neville and Ginny.
"Well," he said with exaggerated intensity, "here's a hint. They are both older than us."
Neville blinked and Ginny glared, "That's no help at all," she snapped.
"Er…" Ron said.
"Harry," Hermione cut in, frowning, "Are you sure these two people have feelings for each other at all? I mean, you said it yourself; they aren't the types to initiate a relationship themselves, especially with each other. What if all you do is create an awkward situation for the two of them?"
Harry simply smiled pityingly at her, "Oh, trust me, they fancy each other. A lot."
"But—," she began to protest.
"Is it George and Angelina?" Neville asked suddenly and Harry and the others turned looks of pure disbelief on him. Never, in all the years they had known him, had he shown such remarkable perception.
"No," Harry said slowly and Neville's face scrunched up in thought again. Hermione, who seemed to have recovered from her shock first, turned back to frown at him.
"Harry, I don't know if this is such a good idea," she said pointedly, "You could really mess up their relationship if there's nothing really there between them."
"You don't even know who it is yet," Ron snapped before Harry could so much as open his mouth in retaliation, "For all you know, Harry could be right. Don't just assume."
Hermione glared at him, picking up to stab the last piece of fork on her plate viciously. Ron flinched, "Fine," she hissed, "I won't assume until Harry tells us who," she rounded on Harry, "So tell us, why don't you?"
Harry stared at her and then at Neville and Ginny, who were both still scowling in thought. Ron, it seemed, was the only one who was behind him in this now. And if he wanted to get the other's help, he would have to present this in just the right way.
"Well. They're…well, you see…"
That was not at all what he'd had in mind.
Ginny rolled her eyes at his spectacular lack of articulation.
"It's Remus," he blurted and Neville, who had absently picked up a piece of carrot in his brainstorming and popped it in his mouth, promptly chocked. Ginny and Hermione blinked, looking highly taken aback, while Ron, strangely enough, went beet red.
"Er, Harry," he said quietly, "Remus is, well, you know…gay."
Harry had told a grand total of two people about Remus's preference when he'd found out: Ron and Hermione. And that had been an accident, Hermione had been commenting on certain looks one Nymphadora Tonks had been shooting Remus's way back in their sixth year and Harry had set her straight. Sort of. But he'd never told another soul, as it obviously wasn't something Remus broadcasted and he was already feeling guilty enough about his first betrayal.
…He probably should have remembered these things before he'd started telling the four of them about his theories.
Neville, who had just managed to regain the use of his airway with the help of Ginny's slaps on the back, let out a very mouse-ish squeak of, "What?" and Ginny rolled her eyes again.
"Of course he's gay," she said, as though he'd been stupid to think otherwise at any point, "Any man that perfect obviously has to be."
It took Harry a moment, but through his shock and horror at having yet again betrayed Remus's confidence, he realized there was an insult hidden between the words gay and perfect and obviously in Ginny's comment.
"Hey!" he and Ron said in unison and Hermione placed a placating hand on Ron's arm, while Ginny simply grinned wickedly at Harry.
"Relax," Hermione said soothingly, "I wouldn't change either of you. And Ginny wouldn't either." The look on Ginny's face suggested that she begged to differ and Harry was feeling rather confrontational in the wake of her still less-than-supportive behavior, but Hermione continued hastily to avoid the coming argument, "I'm assuming the person Remus is interested in is a man, since you were the one who confirmed his sexuality in the first place."
"Of course," Harry said moodily.
Neville coughed weakly and Ron, who had been glaring at Ginny, turned his head to stare at Harry so fast his neck cracked loudly. There was an awkward pause.
"Who?" all four of them chorused.
Harry took a deep breath and stared around at them all; wondering now if perhaps telling them all had been a mistake. But, as it was far too late now and refusing to confess who he was sure Remus was in love with would only make the situation he suddenly found himself in worse, he knew there was only one course of action. He adopted what he hoped was a dramatic, intense expression, leaned forward to ensure that the four of them would be the only ones who would hear, and whispered, "Snape."
For a long, terrifying moment, there was silence.
Then—
Ron's nose let loose a spectacular stream of pumpkin juice and he burst into tears of loud, raucous laughter, drawing the attention of not only their fellow Gryffindors, but the rest of the Great Hall, teachers included, as well. And Harry, who immediately began the futile effort of trying to get the red head to shut the bloody hell up, glanced up in time to see a rather nervous smile on Remus's face. Beside him, Snape was staring at him through narrowed, angry eyes.
Neville chocked on his second piece of carrot of the day and Ginny, who seemed remarkably unsurprised, got to her feet and actually vaulted the table to set about giving him the Heimlich maneuver.
Hermione let out a squeal of, "OH MY GOD!" that was so loud, Harry actually saw Snape's eyebrow twitch across the distance of the hall and out of the corner of his eye.
Professor McGonagall, who was still acting as Head of Gryffindor house in her determination to continue teaching Transfiguration despite her promotion to Headmistress, came stalking down from the teacher's table then and, while she didn't look angry necessarily, there was a vein going in her forehead that suggested she was not amused.
"Is there a problem here?" she demanded when she came to a halt beside Harry, the only one on the left side of the table now that Ginny had moved to save Neville's life. He looked nervously at Hermione, who had her hands clapped over her mouth, to Ron, who was dabbing at the mixture of tears and pumpkin juice off his face and still chortling.
"No," he said slowly, chancing a quick glance up at McGonagall. She glared down at him severely.
"Keep it that way, Mr. Potter. You four are seventh years, I expect you to set the proper example for your younger classmates and—"
At that precise moment Ginny's effort's paid off and the carrot that had been cutting off Neville's airway was dislodged in a particularly powerful manner. The little orange chunk came flying out of the boy's mouth; it soared across the hall in what was almost slow motion, and landed with a remarkably loud smack in the exact center of Gregory Goyle's forehead.
Instantly, three fourths of the Great Hall exploded into laughter and cheers. Ginny grinned around at them all and sank into a complicated sort of curtsey while Neville, rubbing his chest and sputtering slightly, sank forward into his mashed potatoes, leaving only about an inch of his scarlet forehead visible. The Slytherins simply glared at the two of them, though Harry, who was smiling guiltily and had just exchanged a helpless shrug with Remus, who wore an expression that mirrored his own, could have sworn he saw Malfoy's lips twitching upward. McGonagall let this carry on for all of two minutes before letting out three sharp bangs from the end of her wand and glaring around in the dying giggles.
"Get back to your meals!" she ordered, sounding highly annoyed, before shooting Harry one last, nasty look that threatened detention if he disrupted dinner anymore that evening.
Ginny vaulted back over the table as McGonagall stalked away and sank back onto the bench next to him, "So," she said amiably as the buzz of conversation gradually refilled the hall, "Lupin and Snape, huh?"
"Don't be stupid," Ron said, sounding as though he was having a hard time holding back more gales of laughter, "Really, Remus fancying Snape. You had me going there, Harry. I really thought you were serious for a second."
"I am serious," Harry said flatly. Ron looked at him for a long moment, as though trying to perform Legilimency without his wand, before opening his mouth slightly in horror.
"What?"
"Of course," Hermione was staring at the two professors out of the corner of her eyes and there was a knowing smile growing on her lips, "Of course. It's so obvious now!"
"Yeah," Harry nodded eagerly. At least someone agreed with his observations, "That's what I thought. I mean, look at them."
Neville and Ron were both mouthing wordlessly at him now. Ginny, however, looked impressed.
"Harry," she said seriously, "I never knew you were so perceptive."
He grinned.
"Alright, Harry," Hermione turned to him, clutching the edge of the table with her fingers and leaning forward eagerly, "Matchmaking. How are you going to do it? Do you need help?"
"Er…" the truth was, Harry hadn't given much thought about how he was going to get Remus and Snape together at all. He'd only gotten as far as the fact that the feelings actually existed and that matchmaking was obviously necessary before he got distracted by the prospect of telling his friends about his discovery. He frowned. How was he going to do this, then? "Hadn't thought of that," he admitted. Hermione and Ginny's faces split into identical grins.
"We'll help," Ginny promised.
"Absolutely," Hermione added.
Neville sank back into his mashed potatoes and Ron gawked at the three of them.
"Nutters," he mumbled, "Complete nutters."
--
Two hours later Harry Potter was feeling rather pleased with himself.
Not only had his friends been supportive of his newest undertaking (though Ron still seemed to think he was utterly mad and Neville was convinced that he wouldn't be alive to see the other side of the Christmas holidays if Snape got wind of what he was planning), he had two new allies who happened to be very knowledgeable about all things romantic. He, Hermione and Ginny had dragged three chairs to an isolated corner of the Common Room the moment they had arrived back from dinner and had begun to plan what had been dubbed "Operation Moony Needs a Snivellus" in earnest.
The first thing they had decided on was the timing of the undertaking. When, he had asked, was the proper time to incite romance between two lonely war veterans? Ginny and Hermione had answered in unison, "Christmas."
At first he hadn't seen what was so romantic about the holiday; sure it was a time for family, but romance? He hadn't been sure of how a plump old man in a red suit and a bunch of reindeer would make one man jump into another's pants. Of course, then he'd remembered what had happened between himself and Cho Chang only three Christmases ago and how the mistletoe had brought them together in the deserted Room of Requirement. That had been the second thing they'd decided on: their weapon.
Mistletoe.
Now the only problem was how to get the two of them under it at all, let alone make it absolutely necessary for them to kiss and thus see that they obviously belong together.
Remus was hardly stupid and would recognize what Harry was trying to do instantly. And Snape, while not exactly aware that Harry knew his little secret, wouldn't be far behind on the uptake. And Harry was sure that, the second they understood it, they'd react, Remus by high tailing it out of wherever they were and Snape by hexing the living daylights out of him. They were each unbearably stubborn men and that would make things quite difficult and borderline dangerous.
Exactly how Harry liked it.
Numerous ideas had been presented ("What if we put a Permanent Sticking Charm on the floor beneath it and then just push them there?" and "We could trap them with Devil's Snare and put mistletoe over it.") but each and every one had been shot down courtesy of Hermione ("All they'd have to do is step out of their shoes, Ginny," and "Please, Harry, you've been wrapped in a Devil's Snare. Did the situation really make you want to kiss somebody?"). Harry was getting very frustrated very fast.
"Well then, what do you suggest, Hermione?" he snapped. Hermione, instead of getting annoyed, turned thoughtful.
"Well," she began, "I have read about something that may help us."
"Of course you have," Ginny and Harry grumbled in unison. Hermione ignored them.
"There's this special type of mistletoe. It has this magical property, sort of like a Permanent Sticking Charm only less extreme and if you get caught under it with somebody, you can't step out from under it without kissing the other person."
Ginny's eyes widened. "Really?" Harry asked eagerly, "D'you think we could get some?"
"I'm sure Neville could," Hermione said slowly, "I mean…Harry," she cut herself off, her eyes on the window above Harry's head; "an owl."
Harry blinked, then cursed.
"Damn, I forgot I was supposed to spend Christmas with the Dursleys!" he groaned as he got to his feet to let the owl in. Strangely enough, it was been the school bird he'd sent to his relatives and it dropped an envelope onto his lap. He looked down at the letter, feeling rather dejected. "I promised I'd go. You know, we're trying to do some family bonding and everything."
Hermione patted his arm, "We could always do it this week, you know," she said soothingly, "The holidays don't start until Saturday and…Harry?"
She sounded worried, but that didn't surprise Harry in the slightest. He was sure he looked slightly insane, grinning the way he was after being so miserable seconds before.
"Harry," Ginny leaned forward to get a good look at his face, "You alright?"
Harry waved the letter at the two girls, excitement bubbling in his chest, "My aunt knew Snape," he said breathlessly, "They grew up together. And Remus, they must have met at my parent's wedding or something, I know she was there! She was my mum's sister!"
Ginny stared at him uncertainly, while Hermione's expression shifted from worried to horrified.
"Harry, no."
"Why not?" he asked giddily, "Come on, I'm sure Aunt Petunia won't mind. And this way I can monitor them at all times and make sure it happens."
"But," Hermione looked extremely flustered, "it's insane Harry, I mean, if you by some miracle get them to both agree to go to Privet Drive—"
Ginny's mouth fell open and Harry cut Hermione off, "That won't be a problem, I know exactly how to get them both agree—"
"Nevertheless, can you imagine how dangerous that could be? I mean, what happens when Snape figures out what you're doing? He'll be furious!"
"Oh come on, I took Voldemort, I think I can handle Snape."
"Harry, this is totally different, Snape will kill you!"
"But this is the only way!"
"It is not, you just want it to be!"
"Hermione—!"
"Shut up!" Ginny snarled, glaring daggers at both of them. Harry and Hermione fell silent, staring coldly at each other. Harry gritted his teeth; this was his project and if Hermione thought she could control it, or him for that matter, she had another thing coming. Ginny let out a heavy breath, "Now, Hermione, this was Harry's idea—"
"Ha!"
"Ginny!"
"Let me finish!" Harry, grumbling, leaned grudgingly back in his chair and shot Hermione a dirty look, "If Harry can get them to agree to it, then I say let him do whatever he wants."
"But—," Hermione immediately began to protest, only to be cut off yet again by Ginny.
"But we won't help him," she finished flatly. Harry opened his mouth in horror. Where the hell had that come from, he'd thought Ginny had been on his side! She must have noticed the expression on his face because she added, "Hermione's right, you're being kind of stupid, so you've got to handle this all on your terms."
Harry glowered at them both. So much for allies, "Fine."
Ginny grinned, "Fine. It's settled then. Good luck, Harry."
Hermione's frown suggested that it was not at all settled and that she wanted to hash it out some more, so Harry, who'd rather begin phase one of the plan he already had forming in his head rather than argue longer, stood up, gave Ginny a quick peck on the lips and escaped to his dormitory.
When he burst moodily through the door, still rather put out by the two girl's desertion, he found Neville lying on his stomach on his bed with his Herbology book of the week propped up against one of the posts. The round faced boy looked up when he stalked in and asked, "Everything alright?"
"Yeah," Harry grumbled, ripping open the letter from Aunt Petunia and reading that she would pick him up from Kings Cross with Dudley at the start of the holidays and that if he needed to pick anything up in London they could do so. Then a thought occurred to him, "Neville."
"Hmm?"
"Is there a…a special type mistletoe that won't let you get out from under it until you kiss the person you're stuck under it with?" he asked slowly. Neville frowned thoughtfully.
"Well, yes. There are several types; some of them are stronger than others."
Harry smiled triumphantly, "Could you get some for me?"
Neville blanched, obviously realizing just what Harry wanted them for, but nodded, "Yes, I could."
"Right. Thanks. I need it for Christmas."
"I can do that…" the boy paused, looking nervous, "as long as you don't tell Snape where you got it from."
Harry laughed, "Of course not, Neville, of course not."
--
A/N: My God, this is long. This chapter sort of got away from me. And you guys should totally review. Like, totally.