PART II
Author's Notes: The lovely ImFreeFallin pointed out to me that it was Tousen that lopped off Grimmjow's arm, not Ichigo…however; for all intents and purposes, we'll just pretend that this is an alternate version of events, yeah? It is fanfiction, after all^^ (HEAR US ROOOOAR!!!). Also, thank you to Diorcrystal, who wrote Just Like a Girl, which helped me realize all the funniness that might arise from a guy, well, looking like a girl, and just being a great writer in general.
Methinks Szayel would be slightly oily when talking to his superiors…
And yes, the site is supposed to sound silly and cliché. You know that's how they always are.
And if anyone gets the innuendoes (this chapter, the one before, and anything else in the future), do tell if you got as much lulz as I did.
I love all you reviewers, favoriters, and e-mailers!
Yeah. But I dunno, I feel like this chapter is really choppy, and I'm just not sure how to fix it…I'm sorry, you guys… _
For a crappy picture I've drawn of the gigai, go to photobucket{dot}com{slash}albums{slash}jj248{slash}Par-a-doxismminant{slash}?action=view¤t=Ulquigigcleaner{dot}jpg. Or you can go to my profile…
Perhaps I'll continue this. But I'm not sure…let me know what you guys think^^.
Sorry for the even-longer-than-last-time note….
**I do not own Bleach or Google.
Ulquiorra was thinking again upon the subject of his ticklishness (something that never ever ever ever boded well for Grimmjow). It should've been much better, and yet still, he remained as sensitive as the first time. There was no improvement the way there should've been, and that bothered him. A lot.
Out of options in the isolated night of Los Noches, he decided to take a trip to the human world and search for information. Apparently, there was thing called the "Internet", which was like a giant meeting of everyone in the world, and all the books and information in the world, all compressed into a screen, a sort of board with buttons on it, and an oval stone with two buttons on one end. Unfortunately, as the "Internet" was a wholly human invention, he had to get a gigai in order to use it. And to get a gigai, he had to go to that idiot Szayel. How inconvenient.
"Szayel."
The pink-haired scientist looked up from where he was (rather gorily) taking apart some unfortunate Hollow. "Yes, Ulquiorra-sama?"
"I require a gigai. Preferably one that doesn't look exactly like me."
"…why is that?" asked Szayel, pulling off his gloves and sucking the blood and gristle off of them. He discarded them and wrapped up what was left of the cadaver, placing it in the freezer. Ulquiorra gave him a freezing look that said very clearly that if the scientist didn't stop asking questions and hurry up, he could expect to end up worse than the cadaver he'd just finished with. The scientist, slightly intimidated by the glare (and more intimidated by the silent threat), went into the room in the back with all the spare gigais. Ulquiorra could hear him rummaging around rather loudly. "Ulquiorra-sama, would you prefer—?"
"It doesn't matter. Just get me one that's not too…outlandish-looking. And hurry up. Time is of essence."
"Ah…well, I think I've found one that'll be alright," said the Octava Espada, waddling with a little difficulty out of the back room, a gigai in his arms. It had short, brick-colored hair cropped in sort of a pixie cut, with longer, sidesweeping bangs and a small mouth. The body was hidden, as it was in a thick, wrinkled bag, which the scientist unzipped in the back. Szayel held the false body up and gestured for his superior to go inside.
Ulquiorra opened his—the gigai's—eyes, and looked in the mirror helpfully provided in the corner of the room. As he took a good look, something(s) came to his attention.
"Szayel," he said quietly. "Why do I have breasts?" The words were slightly awkward on his tongue, but he felt he had to ask.
The scientist looked at him nervously. "Well, Ulquiorra-sama, you said you wanted to look different…so I got you a female body with shorter, more light-colored hair and...um, more norma—I mean, a different skin tone…"
Cuarta examined his nude body in the mirror. True to Szayel's word, it didn't look much like him, besides maybe the basic build and the components of the face, what with the lack of markings, hollow hole, and helmet (among other things). Not to mention the addition of walnut-brown eyes framed by curling, defined lashes the same color as the gigai's hair, wider hips, and the aforementioned breasts. He cupped a delicate hand over each one and squeezed tentatively. They were about a handful each, maybe the size of a rice bowl, and the soft flesh bulged gently through the gaps of his fingers. Then he bent down and ran his hands down the stomach and sides, slipping his hands inside the junctions of pudendum and legs. He stood up again, turning around to face Szayel.
The scientist watching him swallowed, thinking about how he really should hack into the humans' Internet systems again and download some more porn. He did have such a weakness for redheads, after all…
"The gigai seems to be fine. Do you have any clothes?"
"Ah…yes," mumbled Szayel, slipping slightly out of his hot redhead chick-induced fantasies. This is the perfect chance for me to make (at least) one of my fantasies real! The scientist cackled gleefully in his mind as he went into a chest of clothes. "How long will you be in the human world?" he asked, going through various (rather scandalous) articles of clothing.
"…This shouldn't take more than one day."
"Oh, I have the perfect clothes, Ulquiorra-sama!" said Szayel, practically squealing and clapping with glee. After rummaging a little more, he handed Ulquiorra a few articles of clothing. Ulquiorra, not caring much if the scientist saw him (number one, he was nude anyways, and number two, it wasn't really his body) pulled on the clothes.
He struggled a little with the strappy bits, and when he finally got everything on, he looked in the mirror again.
"Are you sure this is what people are wearing out on the streets?"
He pulled a little at the band of tight, teensy leather shorts with cutouts along the sides.
"Oh, yes, all the young people today wear very tight and revealing clothes." Not usually this tight and revealing though! the scientist cackled mentally.
"Oh…"said Ulquiorra. He pulled at the fishnet and leather top that the (perverted) scientist had given him and sighed quietly.
It was going to be a loooong day.
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Ulquiorra—or rather, "Cora", as Szayel had suggested he call himself in case anyone asked—stepped out of Gargantua and into the sun. He squinted for a moment, not used to the bright heat that was currently assaulting him. If it was this hot to be a human, no wonder they wore such revealing clothes!
"I suppose it can't be helped," he sighed, and wiped the sweat off his forehead. Ulquiorra began to walk towards the town, a bit of a distance, as Szayel had directed him to a park a little ways from town. That was so that the nature of his arrival could remain hidden from the humans that might be milling around in a more crowded area. He looked at the map he'd been given. "Let's see…a left, pass two streets, and there should be a café…"
He looked up from checking his map once again as he finally got to the center of the town There were several people staring at him…specifically, at several points below his head. Pulling slightly self-consciously at the hem of his shorts, he saw an old lady walk past, shaking her head, and muttering, "Kids these days…"
Feeling awkward and rather aggravated in the strange body and strange clothes, he looked icily at everyone staring at him and proceeded to keep walking towards his destination, pretending that he didn't want to just cero them all and eat their souls.
You have a mission. You are here for Internet, for research. None of this trash surrounding you matters for now. You can eat them later…after you kill that idiot Szayel… he thought to himself, in a (rather lame) attempt to make himself feel more like himself. That is, Ulquiorra Schiffer, Cuarta Espada, and not Cora, random hot redhead in tight, revealing clothes.
Finally, he arrived at the café and went in, goosebumps rising on his skin at the sudden drop in temperature (For all his trashiness, Ulquiorra had to give Szayel some credit for realism…). Signing in at the counter and paying for an hour's use, he sat down at a vacant computer and began to Google "cure ticklishness" (Szayel had conveniently provided instructions on how to "Google" things. Ulquiorra wondered briefly how, exactly, the scientist had come upon the instructions). The sheer amount of results was mindboggling! Who knew there were so many experts on cure ticklishness in the world?!
He clicked on the first result. Have someone tickle you until you're used to it, it said. I've tried that already, he thought to himself. It didn't make a significant difference…Clicking through several other results, he grew increasingly irritated at the garbage that popped up. Every single site said the same thing—essentially, be tickled enough and it would go away.
He narrowed his eyes and muttered at the screen, "Well, that didn't work, obviously. Don't you have any other advice?" …
He glanced at the corner of the screen. His hour was almost up, and apparently there were still 10,023,482,340,934,802,834 results to go through. As he scrolled, something caught his eye. "JUST BEING TICKLED CONSTANTLY NOT WORKING TO CURE YOUR TICKLISHNESS? TRY THIS (CLICK HERE)!" Apparently it was from a website called sexworks{point}com. Feeling slightly hopeful, he clicked on the link. (A/N: that not a real site, don't even try to Google it…written that way because otherwise, FF takes it out…)
So you've tried everyone else's advice. "Get tickled and you'll no longer be ticklish". Maybe you've tried it and it really hasn't worked. So here's a different approach to it:
THE TANTRIC APPROACH!!
The power of lovemaking has been proved time and time again. Its health benefits are many. Cardiac exercise, the release of serotonin and other "happy" chemicals…and now, it even cures ticklishness!
Our studies, carefully and lovingly looked over, have shown that stimulation to the areas of ticklishness during sex will, due to the addition of sexual pleasure, change the often painful, unpleasant effects of tickling to ones of utmost pleasure! ("The problem is," thought Ulquiorra, "that I only have a very vague, general idea of how this 'sex' thing is supposed to happen.")
The webpage went on extolling the effects of sex for several pages, and then:
Frequently Asked Questions:
What is sex?
How do I have sex?
And so forth. He glanced at the clock again. Ten minutes. Clicking on the second question, he began to read…
Ulquiorra stepped out from between the teeth of Gargantua. He walked silently to Szayel's laboratory, where he stripped off the gigai. Able to use his powers again, he sonidoed to Grimmjow's room. There was something he needed to do…and while most everyone was not paying attention.
Tap tap tap.
Grimmjow cracked an eye open from where he was dozing on his bed. Who the fuck was bothering him now?
Tap tap tap.
He got up and wrenched the door open. "What?!" he snarled.
Ulquiorra looked at him calmly. He was ready. He'd carefully studied the tactics mentioned by the expert, or rather, "sexpert", as the person apparently wished to be known as. He had a plan. "Do you always have to be this loud?" he asked, gazing up through lashes the color of kohl. Pushing past the larger Espada, he went into the room.
The hell is this guy playing at? thought Grimmjow. He's either ignores me or insults me most of the time, and I can't even tell what he's trying to do now. Is this the male version of PMS or something?
Closing the door cautiously, a suspicious look on his face, Grimmjow turned towards the inside of his room, where Ulquiorra was standing with his back to him, looking out the window. The moon was glowing its usual pale platinum, light streaming through the window. Grimmjow'd always found it rather odd how something that looked and shone so bright could fail to illuminate anything enough for it to matter.
For some reason, though, the light was hitting Ulquiorra, actually irradiating him. The light spangled his inky hair with silvery soft edges and gave his skin a sort of luminescence. Cuarta turned slightly and looked over his shoulder at Grimmjow then, and the teal-haired Espada swallowed. Huge, vividly green eyes looked straight into his own turquoise ones, piercing and puncturing something inside. Something twisting oddly inside of him, he found himself walking towards the pale figure glowing ethereally in the moonlight, lips slightly parted to match those of the other, but silence between them. Closing the distance, Grimmjow wasn't really sure what he was doing as he reached for Ulquiorra.
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I'm just going to leave it here for now until I can muster up the strength to rewrite…dang it, I'm mad. I was putting the lemon part into a separate document (that is, the other HUGE portion of this), and my mom decided she was going to spend several hours watching Sense and Sensibility…about 17 times. So she sent me to bed, and I couldn't paste the document. She shut the computer down, so this morning, when I checked, I realized that it was all gone. So I have to rewrite all of it…really sorry for making you guys wait, only for this.