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Author's Note: There may have been indications on the show that Ryan is Jewish, but he is not in my story.
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Ryan leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling trying to keep the tears from flowing down. He was reluctant to go on as the images of that one Christmas were all he could see.
Horatio had a very sympathetic look on his face as he looked at Ryan. He would have like nothing more that to give him a hug and tell him everything would be alright, but he knew that Ryan's only response would be one of confusion.
After a few more minutes of silence Ryan sat back up and took a few more deep breathes all the while avoiding Horatio's gaze. "I'm sorry about that Horatio; it's just that I haven't thought this deeply about that Christmas for a very long time".
"That's alright son, just take your time and if you have to stop again I'll understand".
Ryan finally looked at Horatio and continued, "Thomas and I were bored so we went to see what Rachel was doing. We found her writing her third letter to Santa so we started making fun of her. We were just kidding about everything we said; how were we supposed to know she would take us seriously". Ryan stopped once again as the memory became too vivid.
After a few moments Ryan continued, "We started telling her stuff like Santa may not make it to our house because of all the snow, but if he does he will most likely get stuck in the chimney since it was so dirty. We just kept going on and on about that damn chimney being so dirty; why did we have to do that to her? She was only 7 years old. We didn't know she would take us seriously". Ryan stopped again, but this time he stood up as if trying to escape the rest of the story.
Horatio waited, but when he realized that Ryan wasn't going to continue he stood up and went over to him. "You need to tell me what happened, this guilt you are feeling needs to be released if you're ever going to get past it". When he didn't get a response he decided to take a stronger approach, "tell me what happened to your sister?"
The tone in Horatio's voice finally snapped Ryan out of the visions currently swirling around in his mind. He turned and looked at Horatio, "We killed her ok. After we left her alone in her room, she climbed up on the roof shortly to get a better look at the chimney, and when she was up there she fell in and broke her neck. It wasn't until Christmas Day that we finally found her". Having said that, Ryan bolted out of the room; passing a shocked looking Calleigh as he went by.
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Horatio started to go after him but stopped when he found Calleigh outside the door, "Did you hear all of that?"
Calleigh had tears in her eyes as she said, "I did Horatio. No wonder he doesn't like Christmas. We have to go and find him".
"I agree; which way did he go".
Calleigh pointed to the left, "he went toward the parking lot".
The two of them hurried to find their friend. As they opened the door to the parking lot they saw the light of dawn coming up in the horizon and realized that they had been at the station all night.
The little bit of sun light was just enough for them to look around at the cars. As they walked to Ryan's car they saw that he was sitting in the front see with his head down on the steering wheel. Horatio lightly knocked on the window and waited for a response.
Ryan slowly lifted his head up, but had to wipe the tears away just to see who it was. He opened the door allowing Horatio and Calleigh more access to him, "I'm sorry for running out of there, I just couldn't handle it anymore".
"You have nothing to be sorry for. What you told me would have been hard for anyone to relive and I apologize for being the one who made you go through it again. You must also know that you were not responsible for what happened".
"I know Horatio, I actually came to terms with it a while ago, but I never dealt with the feeling I would have at Christmas time. After we found my sister my parents never celebrated Christmas again and they did all they could to make sure we were not exposed to it, but when I was out on my own there was no one to protect me from the feelings and emotions that would be come from the holiday. I have always just avoided it hoping it would get better, but I'm glad that I toly you. But please don't make me go back inside. I really just want to go home now".
"I understand. Since the sun is coming up I think it would be ok for you to be on the streets. But I want you to do one thing for me if you feel up to it".
"I don't know; I really just want to be alone today".
"I think it's time for you to stop being alone on this day. I want you to come to my place later on and spend the rest of the day with Kyle and me. There is something that I was going to introduce Kyle to and I would like you to be part of it".
"I'll think about it, but I can't make any promises".
Horatio smiled at Ryan, "Ok; no promises then. Drive safely and I'll see you later". Horatio backed away and shut the door. He stood with Calleigh as the both of them watched Ryan drive off.
Calleigh had stayed quiet the whole time, but now that Ryan was gone she was no longer silent. "How could you just let him go off by himself like that? He should be with someone today".
"He needs to be alone for awhile. He needs some time to let his feeling fall back into place; now that they're out there for all to see". He put his arm around Calleigh's shoulder and led her back inside.
They walked back to the break room and saw that everyone was still there. Everyone had been worried about Ryan and came up to find out where he was. Horatio told them that he had gone home and that everyone should really do that as well since it would be morning soon. He told them to go and be with their families or whoever they were planning on spending it with and enjoy every moment of it.
They wanted to know why Ryan had left and if he had said anything, but Horatio just told them that perhaps in time Ryan could tell them himself. He said it really wasn't his place to say anything since Ryan was not here. They all accepted this and reluctantly went home.
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When Horatio arrived home he found Kyle sleeping on the couch. He decided not to wake him and went into his bedroom to lie down. He hoped that Ryan would show up later, but he would not force him. This was something that would definitely take time.
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It was the sound of the doorbell ringing that woke Horatio out of his slumber. As he was getting up he heard Kyle yelling that there was someone at the door for him.
When he walked to the front door a big smile formed on his face as he saw Ryan standing there. "Ryan, I'm so glad you decided to join us, please come in". He led Ryan to the living room where he motioned for the young man to sit down. "Please make yourself comfortable while I go and get cleaned up. I would like to take you some place special before we eat something".
Ryan nodded his head and sunk back into the couch. Kyle had also come in by this time and was sitting on the recliner. While they were waiting for Horatio the two talked about what they would be doing and neither had a clue. Ryan felt a little awkward being at his boss's house on such a family orientated day, but it was better than spending it alone.
As soon as Horatio was ready the three of them loaded about 4 big bags into the back and then got in the car as Horatio drove them to their destination.
When they finally stopped Ryan saw that they were outside a children's hospital.
Horatio noticed Ryan's confused look and decided to explain. "This is something I have been doing for the past 20 years now. Every Christmas day I go and spend it with children who are too sick to be at home for Christmas. I dress up like Santa and pass out presents. It's not much but it does make them feel better. You see, when I was a kid I spent one Christmas in the hospital and I was very sick. They were not sure I would even make it so this caused everyone who came to see me on Christmas day to be in a very sad mood. But it was the man who was dressed up like Santa that helped me see that all was not lost. Just because I was sick didn't mean that everyone had to be sad around me. He did more for me that Christmas than anyone else did and I never forgot it. I eventually got better and after that I decided I would try and give something back. So for the last 20 years I have been coming here and playing Santa in hopes that they would see that Christmas is a day to be happy.
Ryan was touched that Horatio chose to include him in something so personal. Being around everyone for Christmas wasn't easy on him at first, but by the time they left for home he had a renewed sense of the Christmas spirit. For many Christmas's after that he chose to spend it with Horatio at the hospital. Just seeing the kids there trying to overcome their illnesses or at least forgetting them for awhile to just enjoy the day was enough to convince him that Christmas was something to celebrate.
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Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate it, and Happy Holidays to those who don't. I hope you enjoyed this little Christmas tale.