Chapter 6 -New Beginnings

Mary sat next to Raph on the couch. They were several hours into this, although nothing had been said for the last ten minutes. They were just sitting, holding hands, trying to come to terms with the new change in their relationship. A gamut of emotions had been on display. Raph had quickly progressed from disbelief, to confusion, anger, then hurt. He was actually taking it rather well, all things considered. Shouting had been kept to a minimum. Mary had shown more sensitivity than was her wont. Raph had eventually agreed that marriage wasn't right for them. They were not in the same place. They were arguing far too much. Mary had honestly told Raph she didn't think they would be happy together. She couldn't be the kind of wife to him that he needed. His concerns over her job would always be a source of conflict between them.

Raph had been silent for a time, considering and weighing her words. Finally he had nodded. He looked at her keenly. " I do love you, difficult as you are. And all these things you said are true. But I think we both know you have feelings elsewhere. And I think it has been eating at you for awhile." It wasn't accusatory, but a simple statement of fact.

Mary eyes went wide. "Raph, I love you. That isn't a subject for debate. I just can't marry you." Her eyes slid away from his. She stifled the urge to deny his statement. "I'm not sure what I feel for Marshall, but it's something. I need to work it out." She hesitated, then asked reluctantly, "How long have you known that I had .....feelings?"

He paused, but they had agreed on honesty. "Mary, everyone knows you are very close to him, you trust him. And I've seen how he looks at you. I've known for months that he loves you. But I also have heard you say his name in your sleep." Mary looked at him aghast, a blush creeping up her neck. He put a finger on her lips as she started to say something. "And it's not work related dreaming you are having. You ask him to please not leave you. You beg him to stay." She buried her head in her hands. "Mary, I think these are things you would like to be able to say to him in person."

She looked up at him sideways and frowned. "When have you ever seen Marshall looking at me?" she asked, sidestepping his other observation.

Raph focused on a point somewhere beyond her left ear. "I came home one day and the two of you were out by the pool. You were talking on the phone and pacing. You know how you are when you start to pace. You wave your arms, you are so intense, so vibrant, so beautiful. I started to go out to join you, but then I saw Marshall's face. You had your back to him and were totally concentrating on your call. His face was completely open. He was looking at you with so much desire. I went back inside. And started paying much more attention to Marshall after that. Once I knew it was there, it was easy to see how much he cares about you. But you had picked me, so I didn't worry...," his voice trailed off.

"Raph,"she whispered, "this isn't about Marshall. The problems we have between us are not due to Marshall."

Raph smiled sadly and leaned over to kiss her gently. "Cara mia, I know."

Mary slowly drew her engagement ring off her finger and put it in Raph's hand, closing his fingers over it. He was a dear, sweet man who only wanted to love her. But he couldn't understand her. And she couldn't love him the way he needed her to. She felt an ache building up in her chest.

"Thank you Raph, thank you for the honor of asking me. I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill my pledge to you. I do love you. I just...I can't." Mary felt hot tears prick her eyes behind her eyes. "I'm sorry," her voice hitched, "I'm sorry I'm hurting you. You deserve better."

Raph looked down at the ring in his hand, slowly turning it over in his fingers. Bringing his gaze back up to Mary's face, he reached over and touched her cheek.

"Mary, you deserve to be happy too. You are worth it."

Mary stared at him, then shook her head. "That is exactly what Marshall said to me."

Raph glanced away. "Well. He's a pretty smart guy. You should listen to him." He kissed her cheek. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok?" Mary nodded and watched Raph walk out the door.

****

She spent the next two hours sitting and thinking. She felt sad, guilty and immensely relieved. After she allowed herself a good cry, she felt as if a weight had lifted, she could breath again. Glancing at her watch, she stood up and grabbed her jacket and keys. It was getting late and she needed to meet Marshall at the hotel room. This would be the last night they would spend with Eloise. Tomorrow she was getting her own apartment and Jacob was scheduled to arrive in the morning.

Mary pulled into the parking lot and headed up to the room. She thought about the last several nights she and Marshall had spent with Eloise. Mary had been surprised to find she was enjoying her company. Once Eloise had gotten over her initial shock and fear and moved out of zombie land, she was a delight to be around. Marshall was completely charmed by her. She listened to his non-stop drivel with infinite patience, occasionally contributing some article of arcane knowledge with which Marshall was unfamiliar. Mary had regarded these exchanges sourly at first, until she had caught Eloise surreptitiously rolling her eyes as Marshall turned his back after one of his more absurd observations. Eloise looked guiltily at Mary and then breaking into a grin, nodded her head towards Marshall and winked at her.

Mary swiped her card key and pushed the door open. She walked in and found Eloise asleep, curled up next to Marshall. He was laying down beside her, one arm protectively around her slender shoulders, and watching some History Channel program. He looked up as she walked in and smiled at her, a slow, lazy smile that made Mary's insides turn to mush. "Hey," he said softly, "I was getting worried." His gaze sharpened as he looked at her face. "Are you ok?"

Mary heard the small note of concern in his voice. She walked over and fondly ruffled his hair, letting her hand rest a moment on his head. "I'll tell you about it later, ok?"

Marshall studied her and nodded, then smiled again. "I'm glad you're here."

Mary sat down on the other bed and took in the scene in front of her. "You,"she emphasized the word, "are getting used to not sleeping alone. What are you going to do when Jacob kicks your ass out of his spot next to her?"

Marshall grinned and looked fondly down at Eloise. He brought his eyes back up to meet Mary's and slowly raked his gaze up and down her body, letting his eyes linger deliberately on her curves. She felt something stirring in her nether regions.

"Well...I might just have to find a replacement," he drawled, "I'll probably get lonely without Eloise." He watched with delight as a faint blush came up on Mary's cheeks.

"In your dreams doofus," Mary tossed out at him, standing up and turning to grab her bag.

"You are in my dreams," he said softly. Mary looked back over her shoulder at him and felt quicksilver shimmer through her stomach at the look in his eyes, darkened to the color of deep twilight. She felt again that small surge of triumph. He wanted her. But more than that, he loved her. She smiled warmly back at him, her eyes sparkling.

******

When Mary woke the next morning, she was alone in the room. She came instantly awake, and quickly got out of bed, then saw the light on in the bathroom. Eloise. Looking around she saw the note from Marshall, GONE FOR COFFEE. She smiled and tapped lightly on the bathroom door. It wasn't latched and she cautiously pushed it open. Eloise was standing in front of the mirror, her pajama top pulled up, her hand on her belly, a look of wonder on her face. She turned towards Mary and smiled.

"I can't believe I have another person growing inside of me." Her voice was a whisper. "That Jacob and I did this." She rubbed her abdomen gently. "That he is in here, in our child. This is the closest it is possible for two people to be." Her voice was filled with awe. "And he doesn't even know yet," she said wistfully. "I'm farther along than I thought, eight weeks the doctor said."

Eloise looked at Mary, taking in the expression on her face. "You ever think about having kids?" she asked curiously.

Mary slowly shook her head. "No, not really." What would it be like? To have a baby growing inside me? To let someone get that close to me, to trust someone that much, to be that open to someone? The thought came to her unbidden. Marshall would be thrilled. She hesitated. "I don't think I'd be a very good mom."

Eloise turned her direct gaze on her, tilted her head to one side and studied her. She had been observing Mary and Marshall the last few days, their slightly prickly banter, the obvious affection between them. Mary grew uncomfortable and Eloise reached out and laid a gentle hand on her arm. "Give yourself more credit Mary. I think you would be an amazing mom." She was quiet a moment, then said, "You're thinking about what I said aren't you, about pregnancy being the closest you can be to someone? And applying it to Marshall."

Mary's alarmed eyes flew up to meet Eloise's. "How do you know these things?" she asked, perplexed.

Eloise regarded her a moment. "I'm empathic. Do you know what that is?" Mary searched her memory. Marshall would know. He'd said something about empathy the other night, but wasn't that just being sensitive to other people's feelings? She shook her head.

"I can read people's emotions. Not just read them, I feel them." At the look of horror that appeared on Mary's face, she hurriedly continued, "I can't read minds, just the emotions. But emotions tell one a great deal about what a person is thinking. It's why I was so out of it when you and Marshall first met me. The emotions of the two men who were killed, who knew they were going to be killed and the emotions of the men who did the killing, who enjoyed killing, were too overwhelming. I had to shut down or risk losing myself. It was too painful."

She continued more slowly, picking her words carefully. "I know how you feel about Marshall, how very important he is to you, how very confused you are, how very scared you are. And something has changed just very recently. You are feeling happy, relieved and sad all at the same time. I think the something is the factor Marshall said you had to deal with. And I think the factor is another man. A very important man to you." Eloise paused, considering, then continued, "You were wearing an engagement ring yesterday, you're not now."

Mary looked automatically at her ring finger. It seemed strangely empty now. "I broke off my engagement yesterday," she said in a neutral voice.

"Because of Marshall?" Eloise asked. Mary shook her head.

"No. Well, he was a factor I suppose. Mostly because we couldn't make each other happy. Marshall has more understanding in his little finger of what makes me tick than my fiancé had in his whole being. Not from lack of trying. It's just the way it is." She was silent a moment. "The sex was incredible though." Eloise grinned and thought a moment, weighing her words.

"Sex with someone you truly love, who you are deeply committed to, who completely understands you can be amazing." She studied Mary's face again. " I know the physical aspect of a relationship is very important to you. I think that is what you had with your fiancé. But the emotional aspect is more important. And that is what you have with Marshall. You have an intense emotional relationship with him. Even though he has maybe never touched you." She noted Mary's quickly averted eyes and smiled softly. Good for you Marshall. "Or maybe he has. Anyway, I think you know the emotional part is more important, but are worried the physical part of it won't be there. He is a bit of a geek, but he's an adorable geek. Don't sell Marshall short in that arena. I've been sharing a bed with the man the last few nights." She gave an evil grin. "Believe me, he wouldn't disappoint."

Mary gaped at her. Is she saying what I think she is? Eloise tilted her head to the side and shook it gently. "Mary, he had his arms around me, had me pulled in against him. You know how men are in the morning." She paused and continued slowly. "He did that for me, held me close because he knew I needed it, even though it put him in an embarrassing position. He would be a considerate, thoughtful lover. He would be completely focused on making you happy." She watched Mary's face closely, debating how much more to say. She gingerly picked out her next words and entered the minefield, hoping Mary didn't explode.

"You shouldn't be afraid to love him Mary. He is worth the risk. He's waiting for you. I think he'll wait for you forever. Because he believes you are worth the risk."

Mary was staring at her, her befuddled brain trying to take in everything Eloise was saying, trying to believe it was true.

"I don't know if I can,"she whispered. Eloise sympathetically watched her struggle play out on her face and decided to take a lighter tack.

"Have you ever studied his hands? He has very nice hands, very gentle, long, slender fingers, soft skin, takes proper care of his nails. I don't know about you, but I find dirty fingernails very off putting. Just consider having those hands touch you." Mary's mind flooded with images that could get her arrested in some states while Eloise let her breath out in a whoosh. "And you should feel his abs, like a washboard! You wouldn't think it to look at him. His attention to me is totally protective in nature, but think about having all that attention focused on you in a sensual manner. It boggles the mind."

Mary was thinking just that, and was feeling a bit warm, when the door opened and Marshall returned with coffee in hand.