A/N: You see what I mean lol? The fewer reviews, the slower the update!! If you want the next chap, REVIEW this one. Don't be greedy lovelies!! I LOVE YOU_X

And though my edges may be rough,

I never feel I'm quite enough,

It may not seem like very much,

But I'm yours...

CHRIS

Every time Kerri Brandon opened her big, fat mouth, I fought the urge to knock the shit-eating grin off her prissy face. I didn't even know why I put up with her anymore. She'd dropped her knickers two days after I asked her out, and the outcome was not particularly wonderful. A few seconds of discomfort and then I was stuck with her incessant ramblings out of guilt. Guilt which I ought not to have felt because she wasn't even a nice person. Just an easy screw with a mouth the size of a small country.

And yet I'd forced myself to kiss her, to touch her... because it was something I had to do. Like a chore or an exam. She'd tried to fuck me again but I'd avoided it ever since. I felt cheap, dirty and used. Shit, wasn't it supposed to be the girl that felt that way? Fuck knows. I just went day by day, counting the seconds until... until nothing. Staring at a certain boy too much, and looking forward to sleep.

One insignificant morning, I walked blearily into Math class and grudgingly sat down in my usual seat next to my 'girlfriend'. The teacher was late, so I looked around as I pulled my book out my bag. I was beginning to really despise the class, since I'd stopped talking to Gordie my grades had fallen dramatically and lessons made no sense anymore. My eyes automatically strayed to the boy in person, where he now sat on the other side of the room. I did a double take when I saw that he was crying. His hands were balled into fists which he scrunched into his eyes, and he was shaking. Shaking hard.

Before I'd registered my own actions, I was on my feet. Hurrying towards him, my chair scraping against the floor loudly. Dimly I noticed that he'd shot up a bit recently, maybe he could actually stand up to a girl now.

I wanted to pull him into my chest, stroke his hair and tell him everything would be alright. I stopped fast, spinning around again before I could attract attention. Stop it! That's gay! I forced myself back into my chair, turning to face Kerri. She was so self-obsessed she hadn't even noticed my distraction. Quickly I grabbed her face and kissed her, I don't know why... I just did. I guess I wanted to remind myself or something. Or just prove to anyone who'd noticed my weird display. Kerri stuck her tongue in my mouth enthusiastically. You're not gay you're not gay you're not gay you're not gay!! I chanted the mantra to myself.

I felt someone brush past me. I didn't have to look to know it was Gordon Lachance. I pulled my mouth away from the vacuous vacuum that was Kerri and hurried after him. Fuck gay, he's still my best friend. I tried to justify myself, but the truth was that I just couldn't let him go.

I sprinted to the cubicle door that had just slammed shut behind Gordie.

"Gordo?"

"Fuck off."

"No."

He said nothing, but I heard him sit down on the toilet seat, probably curling his knees into his chest. He'd done that since he was little.

"C'mon, Lachance. Open the fuckin' door you asshole!"

"Nuh-uh. Just fuck off back to your whore."

Some alien part of me joyed at his offensive reference to the girl I was supposed to be dating.

"Open. The. Door."

"NO! Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?! You ain' spoken to me in weeks. GO AWAY!"

"Not gonna happen."

"WHY NOT?" His shout sent echoes reverberating around the bathroom.

"Because I can't! You know I fuckin' can't!" I smashed my foot into the funnel under one of the sinks, splintering the plaster and earning myself a satisfying lash of pain. I was so frustrated.

Whatever he said next was drowned out in the smashing of bathroom fixtures. "I ALWAYS COME BACK FOR YOU." I yelled, stopping and slamming my fist against the barricaded door.

"M-Maybe I don't want you to." Gordie was no longer angry. His voice was quiet, speculative.

"That don't matter." I spat back. Because it didn't, though his words still hurt me somewhere.

I heard the lock slide back and he emerged. Not meeting my gaze, he slid past me and out into the hallway. He was a few paces away from the door when I caught him. Skipping around him so he was facing me.

"Gordie fuckin' Chance!" I swore under my breath, gripping his arm. He looked up, pain and conflict twisting his face.

I sighed, grabbing him by the shoulders and shoving him hard. Not letting go, I spun us around and kicked the bathroom door back with a thud, propelling us through it. As soon as we were clear, I shoved his worn baseball cap off so I could lock my hands around the back of his head, pulling his face forward.

"Please... don't." His voice was broken as his lips moved an inch away from mine.

"Why the fuck not?" The anticipation hummed between us as I tried to remember what he tasted like.

"I-I ain't no queer."

I laughed darkly. "Me neither." We don't need to be.

And then there was no space between our lips. I kissed him and felt his hand curl around my jaw, his fingers forming grooves in my cheekbone. He surged me forward, my hip jamming between a couple of sinks as I memorized the feel of his lips again. And the feelings that coursed through me as our mouths fused together. I could taste him on my tongue, that familiar flavour. Intoxicating.

I ran my hands down his back, pulling him closer to me so we were chest to chest, leg to leg. As close as possible. I pulled my tongue from his when I could finally bear to, though the instant our mouths lost contact I felt like I'd lost a vital source of oxygen. I leant my forehead against his as we locked eyes again, both gasping for breath.

"Well..." Gordie murmured. His breath tickled my face.

"Yeah..." I agreed. And kissed him again before he could ruin it. Softly and as slowly as I could manage with my heart thumping so hard. I could spend hours... weeks... months kissing him. Exploring his skin with my hands...

Suddenly, he stiffened.

"You fucked the Brandon girl?"

I couldn't look away from his dark, probing eyes. I tried to distract him, bringing my mouth to meet his again. He shoved a finger over my lips, jerking me back.

"Did you?" I could feel his heart fluttering. Or was it mine? We were so close I honestly couldn't tell. I just wanted to be closer. So close we could be one person. Feeling each other's pain. But that could never happen, at least... not now.

"Answer me!" He whined.

I threw my arms around him, locking him down and moulding myself to his shape. I buried my nose in his hair, breathing deep to savour it for what I guessed would be the last time.

"Yeah." I whispered it in his ear, hoping that the reaction could be as simple and soft as my tone. When he shuddered, trying to flinch away, I flexed my arms around him. Not letting him move an inch. I was surprised that his reply was cool.

"Thought you had. She's hot." I would have almost believed him, if it hadn't been for the slight crack in his voice at the end.

"Yeah." I said mechanically. What the fuck?

"I was thinkin' 'bout fuckin' Janice, y'know? She's cute an' I gotta get it outta the way sometime." He sounded false. Dead.

I felt myself choke slightly, bile rising in my throat. Luckily he couldn't see my face, we were shoved so tightly together in the small space. Locked in our little toxic embrace. Our little bubble of hate and kisses. But I think we both knew we had to continue this bravado if we were gonna do this, otherwise we'd go insane.

"Y-yeah."

I didn't really mind that he was considering having sex with a girl. Not when I knew he'd think of me, as I had done on those nights with Kerri. We were normal guys, right? Like it was fucking normal to shag girls and picture your fucking best friend? We had to convince ourselves it was.

I ran my lips along his collarbone, deciding to be as honest as I could while still playing the game.

"I mean, I like goin' with Kerri an' all," Like hell you do! "But Jesus, it ain't nothin' like this. Fuckin' her ain' nothing like... fighting with you."

"Naw, sure ain't man." He agreed.

"This happen to other kids?" I wondered aloud.

"Fuck knows. Probably." He comforted us both but it didn't really convince either of us.

"Look," I said, "We can't do this much anymore. If this is gonna work we're gonna have to stop these," I gestured to our clinch and the space around us, "... episodes. It's too risky here in school."

"Then why the fuck did you jump on me, shithead?"

"Impulse. I needed to."

He smiled grimly. "Can't we just... be? So what if we're... I dunno, different? We know we ain't fags. People might accept it as an experiment. I mean, jeez, Chris, I'm sick of hiding." He didn't sound hopeful.

We both thought of Austin Moran, the guy who'd come out as gay at our school a few months ago. He'd been chased out of town by a mob of angry staff and pupils, and I'm afraid me and Gordie had been part of the group (as was his mother).

Faggot was just... wrong. Shoving your dick up a guy's ass? Nasty. We'd jeered and called him names and even chucked a few rocks at him until his scrawny ass disappeared . He now lived in a little shack on the border, fucking any guy who asked for it so he could feel whole. There were no open gays in the area but who knew what happened behind closed doors? Everyone knew he was there, and he still got beat up a lot. But it was now rumoured that he slept with a machete under his pillow to fend off Ace Merril and the Cobras when they got particularly nasty.

"You know that ain't gonna happen." I sighed, rocking Gordie from side to side.

"It wouldn't matter if they kicked us out. We'd be able to go somewhere no one knows us. Get jobs and shit."

I could see the picture Gordie painted. And he made me want it. Want it bad. What had I to lose? But I knew we just couldn't.

"We can't, Gordo. Don't ya see? We ain' pansie. This is just some freak-ass hormonal stage that's ragging on us. Bet it happens to everyone. If we left we'd just get sick of each other and we'd have lost everythin' anyways. Naw, its better we stay as we are. We can get together outside once in a while but people are gonna start getting suspicious if this keeps happenin'."

"Right, let me get this straight." I laughed dimly at his unintended pun. He stepped back, fire in his eyes. "You want me as your freakin' fuck buddy?" He didn't sound happy. Hell, I wasn't either.

"Um, I dunno...Yeah?"

He shook his head, and slammed out of the bathroom, swearing about that 'good for nothing Chambers kid' as he stalked down the corridor. This time, I didn't follow him.

***

More time passed, almost as painfully as before. We stuck to our 'straight' routine, me suffering Kerri's sickly lips and inane chatter while Gordie skulked around hating everything. We saw each other occassionally, me sneaking into his stifling bedroom from time to time. That was the only place we could let our guards down. I could wrap him in my arms and rock our hips together while I sucked on his tongue. We never went further than that though, because to be honest neither of us knew what the hell to do. Plus we were totally in denial at the same time.

I could tell Gordie hated the arrangement, being the dirty little secret. I, on the other hand, found it oddly thrilling to hide behind a mask. I liked that he so obviously belonged to me. That I was the only person in the world who could make him groan with pleasure. The only person who knew that there was a certain place on his neck that he liked to be touched. It made me feel powerful, because Gordie – looking at him – seemed the epitome of innocence and elegance. Hell, maybe not elegance... but something about his small features and pouty mouth made me eerily protective and almost aggressive. I wanted those things for myself. And nobody else could have him because he belonged to me, right? He put up with me mindlessly screwing a girl to support my 'image'. Though in his defence I'm sure he knew the only way I could do it was watching the picture of him next to my bed. We'd taken it by the river one lazy afternoon, Gordie has his mouth open and his eyes far away. That is how I remember that summer.

But I missed him. Missed him so desperately sometimes I had to stop myself from lunging at him in the hallways. Once, I couldn't resist.

"Ah! Chris?! What the fu-"

After sweeping a glance round at the empty corridor, I slammed him into a locker and kissed him until neither of us could breathe. When we'd managed to get oxygen flowing again, I made to pull away.

"Chris, you can't act like that didn't just happen."

I looked at him confusedly as I straightened my clothes and ran a hand through my hair. "I know it did."

"What, so you're just going to walk off now? Back to your girlfriend and ignore me for the rest of the day?" His voice was so hurt I couldn't stop myself from running a hand over his chest in comfort.

"It's all I can do." I said softly, moving back before I could get too wrapped up in him.

"Ah, fuck! I hate this! Is that all I am to you? Your cheap little slut?"

I stood stock still, frozen as I computed what he had just said. Because the sad thing was he was right, I was treating him like shit. He'd offered me a chance to be with him properly and I'd turned it down for fuck's sake. But at the time I only saw what I wanted to see, and I lashed out.

"Yeah. Maybe you are. And don't act like you don't fuckin' love it."

"Well I don't. Y'know what, Chambers? I don't think I wanna do this anymore. You're a bastard. A total fucking bastard with shit for brains. I gave you a proper chance and you just threw it back in my face. So go on, Mr. Cock, hurry home to your 'girlfriend' if that's what you want. But when she's sweating below you, I know you'll be thinking of me."

This cracked like a whip between us, starting up that familiar electricity. But now it was harsher, louder. It seemed to hum through my veins, stinging me fiercely with every step I took away from Gordie.

"Maybe I don't think of you! Maybe I think of her when I'm with you! Maybe I just took pity on my poor fag of a friend and decided to fuck him up a little?"

We just stood there. Taking in the secrets and the lies. Committing them to memory.

Gordie leaned back against the wall, lowering his head wearily and rubbing a hand across his eyes.

"Can't do this no more, man. Too fuckin' hard."

"NEVER say that." I grabbed his face and kissed him on the mouth for a slow second that was far too quick, and was then gone before anything else could be said.

OK. I have a secret for the next one! Its going to be BIG. The biggest chap yet. I've written it already, but I want some reviewwws please!! I need to know what you guys think. I know it all seems the same atm, repeating... but things change a lot in the next one. i'm afraid its almost over!! if you like anything in this partic, copy and paste a quote into your review! you're beautiful and ily and wooo! xx

P.S The next is from CHRIS' POV too!!