Disclaimer: Angel and all the characters therein belong to Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt. Sarah belongs to me… And that's all she wrote… Well… except for the story to follow.
A/N: Just a little random thing that struck me in thinking about Lindsey's character. He's an enigma, honestly… But he definitely has his loveable moments… like saving the blind kids and stuff… So, here we go.
She Doesn't Know…
Sarah doesn't know that when I told her I loved her when we were kids, I meant it. I meant every single word. I would have given up anything for her.
She doesn't know that the first night we spent together, back in high school, I told myself that she'd be my wife. I told myself that I'd never let her go… never lose her.
She doesn't know that the night before I left to go to college, I almost asked her to go with me. Maybe I should have. Maybe if I had, things would have been different… better. But I didn't.
She doesn't know how I worked and slaved my way through undergrad, then law school with plans to do something good for the world. I promised myself that I'd pay off my loans and do something great… I'd stand against injustice. I'd take on huge pro bono cases for people who couldn't afford a good attorney, and save them from the evil in the world.
She doesn't know that I started working for Wolfram and Hart because they promised me I'd make enough to pay off my student loans in no time. And then I was going to start that practice of my own… the one I'd always dreamed of… and give her everything she ever wanted.
She doesn't know how I all but descended into hell at Wolfram and Hart… how I stopped being the man she loved, and became something I didn't even recognize. I defended the scum of the earth. And worse? I became the scum of the earth.
She doesn't know that her Lindsey, the one she loved, killed people as part of day to day business, and would have killed many more.
She doesn't know how I forgot home, her, and everything I'd known as I continued my descent into just short of madness… if I can even give myself so much leeway as to use the words "just short of." I let go of my morals, my memories, and my soul, until I had become what they were. Evil. Corrupt. A demon in my own right.
She doesn't know that I fell in love with a resurrected vampire… Loved her as much, as desperately, as any man ever loved a woman. And in my desperate grasp at the straws of having any humanity left in me at all, I let myself love her. It wasn't against my will. If anything, it was because of my will. Because I wanted to know I had some will left… some vestige of the man I used to be. Some part that wasn't controlled by Wolfram and Hart and the god-awful Senior Partners. But the more I let myself love her, the more I realize… This was what they wanted… To drive me over the edge of madness so that they'd control what was left of me.
She doesn't know that when I left, I thought of her for the first time in over a year. And when I thought of her, I realized… Wolfram and Hart had robbed me of everything. And I had let them. I had given in.
She doesn't know that when I heard her say my name that day, not too long after I got home, I felt for one moment like the 18-year-old kid who'd left his hometown in Oklahoma all those years ago.
She doesn't know that the first thing I did was look at her left hand to see if there was a wedding ring… And when there was none, I took her out to dinner that night.
She doesn't know that, while part of me loves her, part of me still aches for Darla… that when I kissed her that night, I wanted it to be Darla.
She doesn't know that when she invited me in that night, I was sorry. The Sarah I'd left behind would never have invited me in after all that time of not even getting a phone call from me. She'd changed, too. She wasn't my Sarah, my sweet, all but innocent Sarah… the girl who'd known no other touch but mine.
She doesn't know that I made love, not to her, but to Darla that night. It was Sarah in my arms, but Darla in my mind. When she said my name, I didn't hear the sweet southern voice of the girl I'd once loved, but the husky purr of the vampire who'd never loved me. In the darkness, I could pretend that the pretty brunette I'd once wanted to marry was the blonde embodiment of true evil who'd nearly made me choose between my sanity and my soul.
She doesn't know that, as I held her in the darkness, I realized that I'd never be the man she'd loved again. I was too far gone. And as much as I would have loved to come back from the edge, to be Lindsey MacDonald, Oklahoma boy, I would always be Lindsey MacDonald, Attorney at Law.
She doesn't know that it's too late... her Lindsey died a long time ago. He's gone. He's not coming back.
Sometimes I wish I didn't know what she doesn't know.