"I don't want to be a father, not like this."

Leroy Jethro Gibbs felt the breath leave his lungs in a whoosh. He couldn't remember the last time Tim McGee had shocked him like this. What he could remember was the last time this young man had revealed an almost identical personal conflict that had him tied up in knots, despair and tears then like this one was doing now:

FLASHBACK

Talk to me." .
"I'm not sure I can."
"Why not?"
"Because, Boss; what I'm thinking will probably change your opinon of me; maybe even enough you won't want me on the team anymore."
"And that possibility has tied you up in knots; has you thinking you can't talk to me?"
"Yeah."
"Nothin to be sorry about. You can't help how you feel bout something. But, you could give me a little more credit than that."
"It's not about not trusting your reaction. It's about me being different; not the same person you wanted on your team almost three years ago."
"Why don't you just tell me what this is about and we'll take it from there."

END FLASHBACK

Wow. Tim actually believed that his genuine distress at being thrust into fatherhood without preparation would cause Gibbs to think less of him? Taking a minute to try to connect the dots, Gibbs was actually struggling to do so. He did know that Tim didn't deserve to suffer though a single minute of thinking he was right.

"Tim, look at me." Gibbs told him quetly.

As his hurting agent did as he'd bid him to do and turned to look at him, Gibbs couldn't help but realize that if the truth be told, Gibbs should have seen this underlying cause of the young man's breakdown coming. The only time Tim McGee couldn't talk to to Gibbs about anything was when it involved children. Tim had always held the highest respect for what was right and wrong when it came to his teammates and no matter how hard he tried, he could never completely put himself first in most things. Gibbs knew that a large part of Tim's distress was him feeling the way he did about this turn of events in his life in the face of Gibbs' own feelings on the subject of parenthood.

Even though his own family was gone, Tim knew how Gibbs valued the gift of having children as sacred and it wasn't that Tim didn't feel the same way about children; but this personal situation coming about in the manner that it had, colored his perception of the idea, as well as coloring his belief in his abilities as a person, to rise to the occasion. Yet, it wasn't stopping his agent from believing that Gibbs and his team mates would think the worst of him for this honest assessment of himself.

It was a pretty safe bet that Tim was also pretty worried about what Abby's reaction was going to be when she was told what Tim had figured out honestly for himself. Gibbs still remembered how torn up Tim had been the first time he'd struggled to put himself before her:

FLASHBACK

I don't want to be responsible for hurting her more."

"What did I tell you while you were still in the hospital? You are only responsible for you. If what you need or don't need from Abby; hurts Abby; then Abby will have to find a way to deal with that. Tim, I'm not a shrink. But, I do know that if you keep letting your overbiding concern for everyone else around you; supercede your concern for yourself; not only will you compromise your physical recovery; but you'll wind up in the psych ward. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit back and watch that happen!"

"Sorry. I know, Boss. I'm not trying to but..."
"But, old habits are hard to break, I get that. Do it anyway! Stop worrying about anybody else except you!"
"I'll try, Boss."
"There's no 'try' to it, McGee! Just do it. I have faith in you. I know you can do it."
"That's kinda the problem, Boss."
"Why?"
"It leaves me in constant fear that I'm letting you down; disappointing you. Like not being ready to talk to her yet."
"Yeah. I can see where that would be real heavy burden to carry."
"So, stop carrying it!"
"Boss?"
"McGee; I never asked you to worry about letting me down; I don't worry about you letting me down. Why the hell should you? Just be youuself and do your job to the best of your ability and we won't have a problem. I thought you knew that by now?"

"It's hard to stop trying something like that. Especially when I don't think ..."
"Out with it. You don't think what?"
"Boss, I don't think I can even be friends with Abby anymore. It just hurts too damn much to even be around her."
"This isn't normally something I even care to discuss, McGee; but I'll make the exception; this time; because this is a pretty big decision and not one I would ever expect to hear from you. What is it that being around her affects you like that.?"

"It just replays everything that happened between us; it never goes away. It's like one of Tony's stupid movies stuck in replay in my head."
"Time. You need to give this situation time to work itself out. That won't happen until you take control of the whole thing..."

END FLASHBACK

Gibbs realized he'd been lost in his thoughts for too long when he heard Tim's breathing hitch as he began to get lost in the panic he was feeling.

"Hey, McGee! Breathe in slowly, Good. Breathe out, slowly. Okay. Do it again. Again. Okay, now calm down." Gibbs carefully talked him back away from panic and back into normal breathing normal.

When Tim had his normal breath back, he closed his eyes and rested his head back against the seat in complete defeat. "Boss, just go ahead and say it, please." he begged.

"What is it you want me to say, Tim?" Gibbs asked in his quietly serious tone.

"Whatever it is you're gonna say. Your silence is worse than whatever you have to say, Boss." Tim confessed with worried honesty.

"Did you know before you figured it out at the diner?" Gibbs asked in a tone that was obviously leading up to something.

"No." Tim admitted. Silently, he dug a folded piece of paper out of his shirt pocket and unfolded to it's full size.

"Then, you've known for less than two hours. You can't possibly have thought long enough or hard enough about this, to have set your decision in stone." Gibbs advised him.

"It doesn't matter, Boss. That's what I'm trying to tell you." Tim said with complete conviction and resignation as he glanced over the paper in his hand.

"Because?"

"Because Abby doesn't love me enough to make this work. She's never hidden that fact. that I'm not what she wants" Tim replied bitterly as he got out of the car, leaving the paper in his seat as he walked into Gibbs' house.

Gibbs frowned as he watched his agent walk into the house. Letting out a sigh of frustration, he picked up the piece of paper Tim had left behind.

As he read it, he began to understand just how much thought Tim had given this, even before he found out he was going to be a father. Even with everything he'd been through and all the hard work he'd put into salvaging his friendship with Abby, apparently, he'd never stopped loving her, Apparently, Tim also never stopped feeling the pain that came from not feeling that love reciprocated. And that's where he'd gotten his unwillingness to be a father to Abby's child; from the pain he hadn't been able to purge from his heart.

As Gibbs looked once again at the words on the page, he couldn't help but sympathize where Tim was coming from:

Water From The Moon

I've looked every where I can just to find a clue
Oh, O, to get to you.
And make you want me
And I
Run circles round the sun chasin' after you
Oh
But it's no use
Can't You See
That I'm
Going outta my mind
Trying to find a way to get through to you.
Oh.
But, you don't know how hard I've tried
And I've tried
And I've tried
Whatta I gotta do?

Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water from the moon.

I reach high up in the sky
Try to steal the stars
Oh
To win your heart
But even that's not enough
And i
Search every book and novel
Just to find some words
oh
To touch your world
And get some love outta you
I've already given all I can give
And I don't
Don't know what's left to try

And I tried
And I tried
And I've tried
Whatta I gotta do?
Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water from the moon

Love me
How do I make you love me
How do I make you see
That I'm
Goin' outta my mind
And I tried
And I tried
And I've tried
Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water
Water from the moon.... Celine Dion

Allowing himself a minute to stop and think, Gibbs closed his eyes in a moment of frustration. He absolutely no intention of letting Tim harbor any misconceptions about anyone on the team judging him for any of this. There would be no judgements or heads would roll. He remembered Tim's plea for help in talking to Abby before, when it had affected Tim this seriously, because he'd kept to his guns.

FLASHBACK

first; talk to her; get that out of the way."
"Yeah. I think you're right."
"I know you can do this. You know you can do this. The hard part is gonna be doing it in a way that puts what you need or want above anything else."
"Boss, can I ask you..."
"Ask."
"Will you be here."
"When?"
"While I talk to her?"
"You want me here, while you talk to Abby?"
"Please?"
"What are you afraid of?"
"I'm not sure."
"Makes sense."
"Boss, I don't know if I'm afraid I won't be able to do this without going back to caving in to doing things her way or ..."
"Hurting her too much; like you've been driving yourself crazy worrying about ." Gibbs finished for him.
"Yeah."

END FLASHBACK

Getting out of the car and heading into the house, Gibbs remembered what he'd told this young man when he'd been full of doubts about the choice he was making to stand up for himself:

"Tim!"
"Boss?"
"There is no 'have to'. If you're not ready to do something; don't do it."

Breathing out a huge sigh as he returned his mind to the present, Gibbs entered the house, intent on finding his suffering agent. As he entered the living room, he found both of his surrogate sons silently watching television with obviously faked enthusiasm. Catching Tony's eye, he motioned for him to join him and turned to go into the kitchen. As he busied himself fixing a pot of fresh coffee, Gibbs heard Tony's footsteps and turned to ask him:

"He say anything to you when he came in?"

"No. He just went to the john and came back to plop down where he's still at." Tony admitted.

"All right, Tony. Thanks. Go check on Abby for me." Gibbs requested. "And then go home and get some sleep. And unless we have a case, you can come in at 9."

"Thanks, Boss." Tony replied as he slipped out. He knew that if he let Probie know he was leaving, Tim wouldn't have stayed to let Gibbs helo him work this through. As long as they had been outside, it had been obvious that some progress had been made in getting Tim to open up and Tony wasn't gonna mess with that. He also knew that Tim had been confiding in Gibbs steadily and in complete trust and faith, over the last two years and he wasn't gonna mess with that either.

As Tony pulled up at Abby's, he could only hope that she was doing better than Probie. Knocking on her door, he was surprised to find her opening it almost immediately.

"Tony! What's wrong? Why are you here?" she asked in immediate concern.

"Just checkin on you, Abbs. Bossman and I both wanted to make sure you're doin okay." Tony admitted as he stepped inside her apartment.

"Oh, Tony!" Abby cried as she threw herself into his arms and burst into tears.

"Abbs, calm down and talk to me." Tony encouraged as he wrapped his arms around her to keep them both from falling out in the floor.

"Gibbs didn't tell you?" Abby pulled back, sniffling away her tears, and looked into his eyes with disbelief.

"No, Abbs, Gibbs didn't tell me anything. Just told me to come check on you." Tony admitted.

"Wait. Why would he tell you to do it and not come himself?" Abby asked in confusion.

"He's kinda busy right now." Tomy shared.

"Busy?" Abby asked in borderline hurt.

"Yeah, Abbs. Bossman's busy. Matter of fact, he's been busy ever since he left work." Tony promised.

"Busy with what, Tony? His boat" His bourbon"" Abby was really feeling stung now, Why didn't Gibbs come check on her himself after the day she'd had, if he was so damn worried about her?"

"Abby!" Tony threw his best authoritative voice out there to get through to her.

"What?" she turned on him with her own vehemence.

"He's busy, Helping Tim." Tony admitted, hoping she would fully understand.

"Helping,,,, OH! Right! he did promise me he would talk to him for me." Abby quietly remembered.

"Abby, what the hell is going on?" Tony demanded, fed up with being kept in the dark.

"Oh, Tony." Abby groaned. "C'mere. Sit here with me and I'll explain everything." Abby vowed as she sat next to him and proceeded to tell him everything.

When Tony had gone, Gibbs returned to the living room to find Tim asleep on his couch, his torso the only part of him that was stretched out. Gibbs smiled as he picked up the young man's legs at the knees and moved them over to the couch, As he took Tim's shoes off, and covered him with a blanket, he felt the paternal urge to smooth his hair back out of his face and followed up on it. Turning out the overhead light, Gibbs headed to the kitchen for a cup of coffee before he returned to the living room to sit with his agent for a while, just to make sure that his emotional break down from earlier in the evening, didn't follow him into his sleep.