Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor any of the characters mentioned
Author's Note: I did mention that I almost never update, right? oops?
Harry Potter in a Nutshell
The Chamber of Secrets
Harry: I'm a wizard dammit, leggo my owl!
Dudley: I want more bacon
Harry: You forgot the MAGIC word!
Vernon: ZOMG HOW DARE YOU SAY MAGIK!
Harry: Stupid muggles can't even remember my birthday, and I'm famous!
Dobby: Dobby loves Harry Potter, sir!
Harry: Ohhhh, a fan! I like you but shut up!
Dobby: Don't go to Hoggywarts! Is bad for Harry Potter
Harry: Bu-but I'm famous there!
Dobby makes a cake fall on the important muggles head
Harry: Aw bloody hell. Vernon's vein is sticking out. Can't be good.
Vernon: I HATE YOU, BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP YOU IN MY HOUSE INSTEAD OF SENDING YOU AWAY.
Ron appears in a flying car
Ron: What the hell, Harry! You didn't answer my love letters!
Harry: err- Sorry, Ron.
Fred: Now, just yup! Right just put this over the bars, perfect! Yeah, I've helped loads of prisoners escape before; I know what I'm doing.
Harry stays with the Weasleys'
Arthur: Just go in the chimney with all this dust, say a few words, and BAM you'll be in Diagon Alley
Harry: Easy, peasy. I mean, I defeated Voldemort as a baby, this'll be easy!
Harry messes up
Lucius: yeah, I've got all these super deadly poisons in my house. I think it'd be best to hide the evidence for a while.
Harry: Oh snap.
Lockhart: I love me. I love me. I LOVE ME.
Harry: I hate that guy! He thinks he's better than ME, and I'm fuckin' Harry Potter!
Lucius does something super sneaky with Ginny's books.
Harry: The portal won't open! What are we going to do?! I HAVE to go to Hogwarts or else I won't gave my daily dose of obsessive fans!
Ron: Well, we could just fly there! I doubt my parents have a better idea
Harry and Ron fly into a tree. Amateurs.
Lockhart: This year -I love me- we'll be -I love me- studying ME! Because I'm super magical AND famouser than Harry Potter
Colin falls in love with Harry
Harry: And I'm the seeker, which means I'm the most important player out there naturally.
Draco: Filthy dirtyfluidconsistingofplasmabloodcellsandplatelets!
Ron: Oh no you didn't!
Ron's spell backfires, and he becomes one with the snails.
Harry: Woah! What's that weird noise that only I can hear? Maybe I'm schizoph-No! It's because I'm the WORLD FAMOUS Harry Potter!
Nick: Come to a party that'll celebrate me being dead, kay?
Harry: Here Kitty, kitty! Hey guys, look at that cute, frozen look on her face!
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENDED! ENEMIES OF THE HAIR, WEAR A HAT.
Hermione: WHAT?! OMG, It can't be true! How can something exist that I've never even read about!?
Colin: Hey heir of Slyth- I mean, Harry!
Harry: I'm going to pretend I hate this, but really any publicity is good publicity!
Hermione: Let's make some polygenic potion! I'm wicked smart, it can't be too hard for me!
Harry: Heh, even bludgers can't get enough of me!
Lockhart: Not to worry, not to worry! Watch this!
Harry loses all the bones in his arm.
Lockhart: oopsies poopsies.
Dobby: Dobby wasn't trying to kill you, sir. Dobby just wanted to maim you enough that you'd be unable to stay at Hoggywarts!
Harry: Oh! Well, that changes everything.
Draco: Let's dance, Potter!
Begins to Duel
Harry: Stop, you snake! I command ye!
Ron: Wowow, you speak snake!
Harry: I know. Famous and all powerful, remember?
Ernie: ZOMG Harry's like The BAD GUY!
Harry and Ron turn into the beautiful Crabbe and Goyle
Harry: No one's going to know I'm the one who lived anymore!
Harry pouts
Hermione turns into a cat
Harry: Oh, neat! A diary! I can write all my hopes and dreams in it. Yay!
Riddle: Hello, Harry Potter! I'm a diary!
Harry: Wicked! Another person that'll obsess over me.
Hagrid: Pretty spider. Such a cute lil' spider.
Riddle: Hey, you! STOP OPENING THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS AND KILLING PEOPLE
Hagrid: But he's just an innocent, deadly spider!
Hermione: I've got to go the library!
Harry: Have fun, ya nerd.
Hemione's petrified.
Aragog: I'm friends with Hagrid, not you. Mmmm Dinner.
Harry: Maybe we should -uh go visit our supposedly best friend
Ron: Wow! Hermione is smart. She figured out that it's a huge snake! Yay
HER SKELETON WILL LIE IN THE CHAMBER FOREVER… dun dun dun
Ron: That jerk's got my sister!
Snape: Ey, Lockhart. You're a big hero, right? Why don't you save the day already?
Lockhart: Er-I love me- I guess I could -I love me- try and ….RUN AWAY
Harry says the super secret password and opens the entrance
Lockhart: Now, since I love me so much, I can't have you ruining my reputation, so I'm just going to…
Lockhart tries to cast a spell, but it backfires
Harry: Well, he's pretty much useless and so are you Ron, so I'm just going to go ahead and be the hero. Again.
Riddle: We meet again, Harry. Oh, and by the way, I'M VOLDY VOLDY MORT! … mwuahaha.
Harry: Dammit. Again? Why won't you die already?!
Riddle summons the basilisk
Harry: Crap, crap, crap. I've got to battle that thing? No fair!
Harry kills the basilisk
Riddle: Hah, you're dying, Potter! YAY ME, I finally killed you!
Harry: Nah, the hero never dies! Huzah! Fawkes, save me!
Fawkes cries, and it saves Harry.
Harry: Told ya so.
Harry stabs the diary
Riddle dies
Harry: Wow, I'm so amazing. I killed that loser, AGAIN
Everyone's happy
blah blah blah
Harry's a hero
Blah blah blah
Lucius is a bad, bad man.
Blah blah blah
Percy's got a girlfriend
Yada yada yada
Happy Ending!
THE END