Slippery Soap Suds
A/N: I am getting lazier & lazier by the minute. Plus, I'm losing the motivation to continue my fics. Thank you for the reviews:) I guess the last chapter was a bit…inappropriate lol But hey, life isn't all cotton candy and rainbow-coloured unicorns. In this chapter, Draco and Hermione go through excruciating and insane wedding jitters. Don't be fooled by the title. ;)
Disclaimer: Me no own the whole HP world (J.K. Rowling). So shut it with all the suing crap.
Chapter XI: I Thee Wed
My dress was a beautiful recreation of the Virgin Mary's bridal gown. Pure white, pure innocence in silk and satin. The bouquet I held was a fresh bunch of pearl white lilacs nestled perfectly in my French-tipped hands. I looked up only to find that my view was partly hidden by the netted veil. I turned around and saw that my train was long enough to create a beautiful puddle of velvet sheets.
The place was like a scene from a billion-dollar Hollywood movie, complete with drapes and candles. Butlers were everywhere attending to the needs of everyone else. I tried to find a familiar face but everything was a blur.
Someone took my arm and I looked up to see who it was. Dad.
I smiled at him as he walked me to the aisle. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. The wedding of my dreams with the man…
I faced the stage, and my groom. Dad released me with hesitation and left me to walk the remaining steps. My tears blocked my sight and I didn't notice the groom lifting up my veil. He wiped my eyes dry with a soft white handkerchief, and chuckled with a laughter that sounded like the early chimes of bells from eighteenth-century Europe. "Please don't cry on our wedding day."
I stared at him and his golden hair and his shining eyes and that smirk. "You do know you don't have waterproof mascara, right, Mudblood?"
The bride died of a heart attack.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"
Hermione woke up from her nightmare, screaming. She was breathing with great effort, trying not to lose her mind and her control in the process. She looked around. Good, I didn't wake anybody up. She looked out the window. Most likely, it's about four o'clock in the morning. Oh fuck. I'm going to marry Malfoy today. It's taking all of my willpower not to bury him alive the moment he says 'I do'. But then, is living with him really such a bad idea? After this wedding, what happens next? I guess, only time will tell. She went back to sleep.
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I have been waiting for almost an hour now. I'm hungry and tired and nervous. It doesn't help that I don't see any of our parents yet.
And I can't stand the way Dumbledore is looking at me, as if I murdered Malfoy last night to cancel the marriage. Not that I couldn't… I mean, I almost did, when you think about it. If only it weren't a sin.
I drew in my breath for like the forty-second time since I entered this room. My hands are all sweaty and my heart is beating wilder than an African tribal drum. Merlin, Malfoy, I don't need this kind of suspense!
"Just relax, Miss Granger."
Hermione looked at the Headmaster. Dumbledore was smiling, eyes twinkling with that mysterious something that everybody never failed to notice. "This won't take longer than thirty minutes," he added.
Hermione sighed softly. Malfoy, where the hell are you?
"Oh, Merlin!" The doors suddenly opened for a gasping and sweating Draco Malfoy. His face was all red and his hair was far beyond order. He stood by the door, huffing as he looked at Hermione. She was wearing a black dress under a white bolero, neat and perfect. As always. He imagined his sweaty self with his crumpled white polo shirt, fading grey slacks and half-shined shoes. Damn, this was not his best day.
He sat down to the chair next to Hermione, mumbling, "Sorry…I woke up late."
"Because you stayed up late," Hermione finished, matter-of-factly.
Malfoy wanted to glare at her but stopped himself when he remembered they were not supposed to be in speaking terms; and that little remark was nothing but a reminder of their real relationship. Enemies.
Enemies forced into marriage. How fucking ironic.
"Fine, fine, fine," Dumbledore said, before the two started biting each other's heads off, noticing the heavy tension that hung between them. He smiled and cleared his throat. "The ceremony of marriage…now that sounds serious, eh?"
Nobody laughed.
He continued on. "Before we start, I want to know what you expect in this relationship."
"Honestly? I expect a life of misery in the depths of hell." Hermione practically spat the words out of her mouth. "You have sentenced me to a lifetime of torture, sir."
"Ah, I see... And you, Mr. Malfoy?"
"It's not like I have much of a say in this situation," Malfoy said, coldly. "This marriage is inevitable, period. But don't expect me to whine like her. I'm going to continue living my life, as if she were never there. That Mudblood holds nothing but my name."
Deep in the recesses of Hermione's heart, she heard a pin drop.
And then a thousand followed suit.
The crash was so deafening, it hurt.
"Let's just get this over with," Hermione sighed.
"Very well, then. If you insist," Dumbledore said, getting up from his chair. "Please proceed to the chapel on the 3rd floor while I will brief your parents for a few moments."
Gravely, Draco and Hermione got up and walked out of the office of the old man (who was chuckling behind closed doors).
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Shit! This is it! This is the real thing! We're getting married. Draco fucking Malfoy and I are getting married!? Holy shit, that sounds like the end of the world!!! Okay, calm down. Oh shit! I can't face my parents! I don't know what they'll think of me. My life is officially over! I have no family, I have no friends… Shit shitshit I still have to explain to Harry and Ron –who will absolutely wring my neck when I tell them about this! Plus, Harry will definitely hate me! Huhuhuhu! But if they really love me, they'd understand, right? It's not like I wanted this to happen! This was just an accident. A mistake – a very grave mistake. Sooner or later, they'll accept my situation. Maybe, they could even help me escape from this situation? Oh Merlin, why didn't I ever tell them about this?! They could've helped me find a way out of this mess! Merlin, I have to get away from this! Anyway I see it, it's doomsday for me. I have to escape!
"Psst! Ferret…"
Draco frowned but didn't stop walking. Ferret? Back to square one, I guess.
"Ferret!" Hermione called, louder this time.
"What?" Draco replied without interest, still not stopping.
"Stop walking and look at me, dammit!" Hermione ordered, definitely pissed off.
"I don't have to look at you. You can hear me. Plus…you can't just order me around like that, calling me a ferret and whatnot."
Hermione caught up with him and turned him towards her. "Look, I've been thinking, because, you know, life, tough, you are a ferret, I just thought – that, right now, like you know," Hermione was babbling, fidgeting with the sleeve of Malfoy's shirt, stumbling over words which didn't seem to make sense now. She let out a long heavy sigh. "Look, I can't do this. We can't do this."
Draco's eyebrow shot up. What's this? "What are you saying?" He asked, doubtfully eyeing Hermione's hand on his arm.
Hermione sighed. "I'm saying, we cannot get married. Absolutely not. Not like this."
Draco chuckled. "And what do you propose we do, Mudblood?"
"What do you mean, what I propose to do?" Hermione half-screamed at him, tightening her grip on his arm and making him wince painfully. "You think of a good plan, Mr. I'm-Making-Out-With-You-And-Then-Say-Some-Other-Girl's-Name-Just-To-Break-You-Mudblood-Bitch! My mind is completely fried I cannot think straight! I can't even finish coherent sentences in this state of, of insanity! And don't you even dare call me Mudblood in my face again or I'm gonna beat you with a club!"
"Aah…" Draco fought away from her death grip and tried to keep himself from grinning. "So this is what this is all about?"
"Huh?"
"You're pissed off because I called out someone else's name when we were, um, what's the word – pleasuring ourselves?" Draco couldn't help it. He just had to give her that smirk.
"Aaargh!!!" Hermione wanted to kill him over and over and over and…you get the point. She moaned helplessly. "Why do I even bother?"
There was a twinkle in Draco's eyes as he observed this remarkable display of frustration from none other than the usually composed Ms. Know It All herself. It was like she had turned into a deranged and paranoid old lady. This was definitely much more entertaining than the usual torments she had to put up with.
Nevertheless, the married life wasn't exactly his cup of tea, either. He grimaced at the thought of "Mrs. Malfoy". Yes, they had to get out of this. Admittedly, he didn't find this marriage thing as disturbing before, even "advising" Granger to treat it as some "game of pretend". But that was before last night, before he realized how heavy a mistake the idea of him and Hermione alone, Pureblood and Mudblood, could turn out to be…
"Hmmm…"
Hermione glanced at Draco who appeared to be in deep thought. Ho ho! Could it be? The fucking twat was thinking? Well, it's not that she was underestimating him but sometimes, Malfoy could appear like such a bimbo. All looks and no brains. Wait, he didn't really have brains. He had cleverness – he was a sly, cunning, crafty flesh of Romanesque charisma. If you think about it –really think about it – he had almost seduced her last night, which means…
"I have a plan!" Draco's sudden outburst snapped the witch away from her thoughts.
Disgusting thoughts, she seethed inside her head. "Okay, let's hear it!"
"I suggest we run away!" Draco declared seriously, taking Hermione's arm as if they would run away right then and there.
"You, you mean e-elope!?" Hermione stammered, eyes screaming bloody murder at him.
"No, you doofus!" Draco sounded amused. "We're running away. Flee. Take off. Get out. Escape." Hermione's expression softened. "Not elope. Eloping is for lovers, and that is definitely not what we are…yet." He added for the fun of it.
"What do you mean 'yet', yo-!?" Hermione protested but Draco already had her in his death grip now. And he has decided that yes, this was the only way. "Yes, this is the only way, you little Mudblood." He led her to the other direction. "Think of it as a vacation from this nightmare. More time to think of how we can avoid this silly marriage. Or…is there anything else you can suggest?" He assumed the silence meant yes, and hurried off.
"Oi, where are we going?" Hermione asked, trying to catch up with him.
Draco didn't really know. "For now, we have to find a place to hide and plan this out."
"And what will you two plan out?"
That familiar voice, at this particular moment, sent shivers down both students' spines. Draco was the first one brave enough to face the pale, sarcastic teacher. "Professor Snape! Hahaha what a coincidence! We were just talking abo- " His voice trailed away as he saw the fat black book in the teacher's arms. Engraved on its front cover was unmistakeably, a Latin cross. A Bible?!
The tenser grip on his arm proved that Hermione had noticed it too. Snape… Snape was marrying them!?
"So what were you chitchatting about?" The teacher asked them again, suspicion clouding his already suspecting eyes.
"Nothing of importance, Professor! Hahaha!" Hermione interrupted, hoping to sidetrack the teacher.
"Fifty points off Gryffindor for answering when not being questioned," Professor Snape snapped. He faced Draco. "Mister Malfoy, provide me with an answer that will satisfy my curiosity as to what you were 'plotting'… since the sight of the two of you together, hand in hand, is very…disconcerting."
Flustered, both Draco and Hermione released their hold on each other.
Draco laughed. "It's nothing like that, Professor. You know how clingy girls are at the thought of spending their entire life with me." This earned him a kick in the shin. "Ow!"
Professor Snape put up a smug grin. "Or could it be…that you've been secretly having an affair with each other and have planned this whole situation to your advantage to get married earlier than the normal standard? Really now… the cunningness of it is truly Slytherin but Miss Granger going along? This says much about Gryffindor obedience then."
Hermione's jaw dropped at the implications. The imbecile! The donkey-humping git" Excuse me, Professor!"
-"Fifty points off Gryffindor."
"What?!"
-"Twenty points."
"Professor, isn't this a bit…" Draco tried to interject.
"Shut your trap, Draco if you don't want the house losing points."
"Sod your bloody points!" Hermione screeched, unable to restrain herself any longer. The Slytherin teacher's mouth formed an O of shock. "I am sick of you and your pretentious behaviour! You are an ugly user-abuser who dresses in emo drag for fun! Rot in hell, you poopface!" She was panting heavily after screaming out that torrent of sealed emotions.
"Granger," Malfoy whispered, slowly taking her hand. "I think it's time…to RUN!" Without waiting for the shell-shocked Professor, both sprinted away to somewhere they could both be safe.
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Inside a broom closet with Malfoy is not a safe place.
"You are fucking touching me everywhere!" Hermione hissed, clawing at Draco.
"I am not, you filthy pervert!" Draco retorted, defending himself from the other girl's wrath. "Would you please lower your voice and calm down so they won't hear us and so we can actually start thinking!?"
Hermione roared viciously but then crouched still. "Okay. Let's think."
"All right," Draco started in a hushed tone. "So we're running away…"
"Yes, but to where?"
"Let me finish, okay?" Draco said, irritated. "We should go to the last place they'd think of finding us. A protected place where we could hide temporarily. We'll come back when this whole issue has blown over. That time, they've probably forgotten our existence, and hopefully this wedding thing."
"But wouldn't running away turn this into an even bigger issue?" Hermione countered. "People might think of even worse things."
"That's why we're leaving them a letter explaining our reasons." Draco smiled at his ingenuity. "Clever, huh?"
"Whatever," Hermione replied, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, back to the first problem. Where is this protected place they wouldn't think of finding us?"
"How about…my rest house in Baltimore?" Draco suggested. "It's one of those unlisted estates under the name of my father's uncle. It's in a Muggle area and even Narcissa doesn't know about it." He was getting excited. "We could stay there for a few weeks, and then hopefully come back with an answer. This could work, Granger!"
"Are you sure nobody else knows about that house? You know about Dumbledore's sources," Hermione asked, making sure. They were already risking too much – a scandal in the bath, questionable appearances together, ditching their wedding day, taking off with intent. Things should not go wrong from now on.
"It is safe!" Draco promised. "I'm in this too, remember? Or do you want to be married to me?"
"No!" came her strong rebuttal. This may not be the most acceptable plan of action but, in their eyes, it is positively the most plausible. She continued in a softer voice. "I'm going with you, only if it is completely and absolutely safe."
"So we have a deal?" Draco tried to offer his hand to her but ended up squishing her chest. Hermione hit his chin with her elbow. "Ouch, you lump of batdung! You're doing it again! Why are you so horny? I told you not t- "
Draco didn't let her finish. It happened all of a sudden. He had pulled her towards him, his hand on her mouth, silencing her. Hermione couldn't move; she was stuck in his arms. She couldn't breathe and her heart was beating so hard. Why did he always do this to her? She couldn't understand what was happening. Sh –
"Shh..." Draco warned her in a low voice. Hermione stopped her hormones from thinking, and listened intently. Footsteps! Someone was near. She wanted to slap herself for even thinking of other things. But then, something sounded wrong. The footsteps got louder. Someone was coming…towards them!
"Are you sure?" Dumbledore.
"I, I don't know, Headmaster."
Hermione stiffened at the sound of Harry's voice. He's here?
"Snape was certain something was up… and they're not in the ch… third floor."
"I don't really understand what's going on but, that's what it says here." Harry continued. "And the Marauder's Map has never been wrong…so far." Pause. "But, in a broom closet? With Malfoy?"
Hermione couldn't bear to hear the hurt in Harry's question, and she dug her face deeper into Malfoy's body to muffle a cry.
At that instant, the door of the broom closet swung open.
And all their lies came slithering out.
"Yes, Harry. In a broom closet, with Malfoy."
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A/N: I know, I know, I know! I'm so mean to Harry! Don't kill me! It was just so dramatic to leave it like that. I couldn't help it. XD Click that review button and go bash me or praise me with words:3
What happened to Draco and Hermione? Will they get married? Will they fall in love?! Will Harry commit suicide? What happened to Snape!? All that and more, in the next chapter of Slippery Soap Suds! XDDD