Major love to Dawn, (MusicJunki). Her enthusiasm is constant, and her thoughtful edits are amazing. Thank you, m'dear.
I do not own Twilight.
Bella. Tuesday.
At 5:30am, the building was practically empty. Rightfully so.
Its daytime inhabitants were absent, preoccupied by their real lives… likely doing something as nonproductive as sleeping soundly.
Those unlucky few that were in the building more than likely wished they were pretty much anywhere else; certainly not at a desk or in a cubicle at this ungodly hour.
Who on earth would be here willingly? What masochist tortured himself this way, by going in to work two and a half hours early to work on a project that wasn't due for three more days? What kind of person lead such an empty life that she woke to the dark, dressed in the dark, and drove through the dark to go and sit under artificial light?
I balanced my folders, purse and steaming cylinder of Yerba Matte energy tea on my precariously bent knee, all the while fumbling with my keys. This proved to be incredibly difficult with frozen cold fingers, in the still-dark morning, while wearing stiletto-heeled boots.
The front lobby doors remained locked until 7am. This meant that anyone foolish enough to come to work this early had to sneak in through the side access in the alleyway… not entirely unlike a criminal. I must have opened this side door a hundred times, and each effing time it gave me trouble.
On mornings like this, I had a sneaking suspicion that the building was trying to convince me to just look at the time, woman. Go back home, have some breakfast with Alice… she would definitely stay home with me. Hell, maybe we would change back into our pajamas and watch movies all day, like we used to…
My key ring jingled mockingly. Ugh, come ON.
I needed to get to work. I needed to drink my tea. But first, I needed to open this fucking door.
It finally swung open without dousing my reports or my Chanel shoes with hot beverage. My sigh echoed off the marble walls of the main lobby. So far so good.
The bullpen was sepia colored in the filtered light of dawn. Pausing for a moment in the lobby, I fussed with my reports and enjoyed my brief freedom from prying, judging eyes. I flipped on the lights and made my way back to my desk, enjoying the silence around me.
The city below the window was just starting to stir, slowly waking to face another day.
I had tunnel vision today. There wasn't going to be any distractions by colors or smells or buzzing anything. I was focused. I was ready.
Yesterday was not acceptable; my behavior absolutely inexcusable. First I had allowed Mike Newton to get to me. Then, instead of taking Emmett's sincere kindness with dignity, I had flushed and flustered like an idiot. Finally, Charlie's naked contempt for me wasn't unexpected… so why did I have to let it affect me so damn much? That situation in particular needed to stop right now. Charlie wasn't my father here—he was Mr. Swan, my boss. He wasn't my father in any location, really…
I told myself that made it easier.
Also, this Mr. Masen situation was done. Period. I had acted like such a fool. The swooning, the stuttering…
I shook my head and I powered on my computer, grimacing at the still-fresh memory. It was humiliating. This crush was ridiculous and completely one-sided and I just had to get over it. Physically reacting that way to someone who you had literally spoken to only once, who barely knew that you were alive… who worked with you. That absolutely couldn't go on. It wouldn't.
I wouldn't let it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Last night's drive home had been a total blur. My days were typically draining, but yesterday… sweet Jesus.
The moment I walked in the door of our townhouse Alice had immediately leapt off the couch and stood before me, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
"Well?" Her dark brown eyes sparkled like Christmas lights. Alice's oval face looked perpetually excited, and right now she was positively vibrating.
I set my purse down on the side table and slowly faced her. Her face fell slightly at my hesitation, but her eyes never left mine. I inhaled deeply… and beamed a grin at her.
"They asked for me!"
"Aaaaaggghhh!!" Alice's arms went around my neck as she leapt, laughing and spinning. I was few inches taller than Alice and had a good twenty five pounds on her, but she propelled me backward by the sheer force of her enthusiasm.
"Oh Bella, I knew you could do it!" She crushed me tighter before taking my hand and leading me over to the couch. "Tell me everything. Was the waiting as awful as you thought it was going to be?"
I sank down on the couch, finally kicking off those goddamn shoes. I reached up and unpinned my long hair, letting it fall around my shoulders in thick waves.
With my legs curled up securely under me, I rubbed my eyes and told her everything, from my nerves in the elevator to Mike's weird advances to the email… and finally the scene with Charlie. She listened intently, gasping and swearing in all the appropriate places. When I got to Charlie, her eyes grew sad and she took my hand again.
"I'm sorry that happened, Bella. That must have been really awful." I patted her fingers, appreciative for the physical contact.
Alice was amazing. One of a kind. We were like opposite sides of the same coin: where she was light-hearted and flighty, I was serious and driven. While her enthusiasm practically burst out of her by the seams, I was introverted, much more reserved. But I didn't think of us as opposites, but rather compliments. Dance partners. Symbiotic beings.
We had met our very first night in the dorms at the University of Washington. We'd been assigned to live together, sight-unseen. I had been uncomfortable and definitely out of my element. Up until then, my nights had typically been spent studying, or reading, or practicing with my dancing instructor. But in the dorm, there were just so many people around… yelling down from windows, running down the hallway or thumping below or above me… I had been nervous, but my famous Swan "nothing can bother me" exterior that I had inherited from Charlie was getting me through awkward introductions and promises to "hang out" later.
Really, I just wanted to hide under my crisp new twin-sized sheets.
Alice and I first locked eyes amidst staked brown boxes. We had both been surprised to find that, while everyone else seemed to have a tearful mother, a stoic father or a bored looking sibling milling about, neither Alice nor I had anyone there for us. Charlie was away on a business trip and my mother had been… wherever she went. Alice was an orphan who had been living with her elderly aunt for the majority of her life who hadn't been feeling up to making the trip from Georgia. My sense of kinship with her was quiet and immediate.
We exchanged hellos: mine had been cordial, with the offer of a handshake. Alice's salutation had been ebullient, bypassing my outstretched hand and immediately grabbing me in a rib-splintering hug.
We made comfortable small talk as we settled in. I had intended on spending my first night in the dorm quietly. Putting things away, studying the campus map, maybe venturing out of my room to meet a few people. Nothing too exciting, as I wanted to be well-rested for my classes the nest day.
At the time, I didn't know to question Alice's innocent-sounding yet insistent suggestion for a walk around campus. C'mon Bella. It'll be fast, she had said. Nothing too intense, let's just stretch our legs and get to know one another. After some consideration, I had accepted.
Forty five minutes later, I found myself sitting next to her in the "borrowed" campus security golf cart hitting speed bumps at whatever maximum speed a golf cart can reach.
I had held on to the metal frame for dear life and wracked my brain as to why I had sat down on the fucking thing, let alone how she got me to stay on while she hot-wired it alive. But Alice was just so damn convincing, this five foot nothing hurricane who had sat next to me laughing and pointing out things around campus, like a tiny, overly-enthusiastic tour guide… not like someone how had just stolen campus property. (Borrowed, still clarified years later.)
She might be actually insane, I had thought wildly. The second this cart stops, I am sprinting straight to my RA and begging for a room reassignment.
But two hours after that, I hadn't returned to my room. Rather, I was crouched behind a low-lying brick wall, hair soaking wet and shoes missing. My arms were locked firmly around Alice's tiny waist and we muffled our giggles in the other's shoulders. We tried to shrink away from the sweeping flashlight beams that were searching for the lunatics who had been swimming in the fountain.
I'd never been more scared, more nervous at getting caught… or had ever had more fun in my entire life.
Thus was my initiation into the world of Alice Brandon.
From that day on, we were inseparable. We had been roommates for the rest of our college careers and beyond, even during our summer abroad in Germany. When we had finished our undergrad and I had decided to pursue my MBA, Alice went after her Master's degree in Kinesiology and Sports Medicine. Truth be told, I was the more natural student, but Alice was an unstoppable object who could do anything she was determined to do. If I was the brain of the operation, she was the heart.
Today, while I was surviving in the corporate world, Alice worked full-time as a nutritionist and personal trainer for rich Seattleites. We found that even our vocations harmonized with one another: hers kept me in phenomenal shape, and I balanced her bank accounts. I did, however, have to endure the occasional lecture on why Thin Mint cookies were one day going to kill me, and I nagged her nearly constantly about how vital it was for her business to come up with a budget and actually stick to the damn thing.
We had gone through plenty together. The breakup of Alice's doomed engagement had been a very dark time in our lives, and my mother… well, that was what it was. Our loyal was unwavering, and the support constant and ferocious. My friendship with Alice was natural and eternal. She was my only real family, and I hers.
"It's going to be difficult, Ali." I rolled my pearls between my fingers, tugging and twisting the smooth white orbs. "I have so much to do in so little time… They want the presentation on Friday, which means I essentially have three days to get this thing together. We'll have to hustle to put our two reports together and make sure it's cohesive…"
"Who is 'we'? It's not Mike, is it? Oh shit, Charlie didn't stick you with him, did he?"
"No, not him, thank god." My eyes briefly cut away, and when I looked back up her eyes were wide and curious. Dammit. She knew me too well.
I tried to sound nonchalant. "I have to work with some IT representative… Edward Masen." Because it really is no big deal.
Alice uncrossed her legs and searched my face. "WHAT? The green-eyed computer nerd for whom you've been pining away?"
I groaned, instantly embarrassed. I had mentioned Edward before, but never directly admitted to any attraction or… crush.
Ugh. I sound like a 13 year old.
"You didn't think that was important enough to mention?" she said incredulously.
I huffed, brushing my hair back from my forehead. "There's nothing to mention. We were assigned to work together on this account, and besides the massive workload there isn't any more to tell."
I leaned back and pouted, ignoring her skeptical stare and mulling over my own words. I was being honest; we were being forced to work together, nothing more. It's not like we'd chosen to work together. It's not like we were willing partners; he definitely hadn't volunteered to work with the stiff CEO's daughter who never smiled or laughed…
Edward hadn't approached my desk, eyes blazing…
He hadn't leaned down to put his hands on either side of my chair, or pressed his lean frame into my shivering body… his hard chest had never been within reaching distance from my trembling hands… perfect, full lips hadn't hovered just inches away from mine… his warm whisper hadn't swept across my face…
Bella…
I shook my head vigorously. Nope. That is certainly not what happened.
Alice smirked at me. "Oh no, obviously nothing else to tell." She rolled her eyes.
This day just needed to end. I was still embarrassed by my ridiculous non-fantasy, and I was determined to remain deliberately obtuse. "I don't know what you mean, you devil."
Alice stood up, shaking her head. "In all of our years as friends, I have never once seen a look on your face like the one you just had while you were thinking of him. Do not try to deny it." She held up her hands when I opened my mouth. "Your blush is a dead give-away, Bella."
Dammit.
"I won't press this… for now." Alice leaned down to me and stroked my hair once, her tiny fingers winding into my curls.
"Just… try to keep an open mind… and heart. Okay? Just try." And then wisely, she walked away.
I sat, stunned yet again. I exhaled roughly and realized that I was blushing furiously from, of all things, a fantasy stemming from an exchange that did not happen. Further, my hands were wringing my skirt material and my nipples were once again tight under my white shirt.
What the fuck is happening to me today?
I shot up from the couch and up to my room. I was out of my work clothes and into my running gear in less than two minutes, hastily grabbing my iPod and GPS watch on my way out the door.
Anxious to taste the outside air, I called out to Alice, "I'm going for a run… I'll be back soon."
Her soft giggle floated down the stairs. "Of course you are. Be careful, please."
I scowled as I locked my front door. Sometimes I resented how well Alice knew me.
The sun was just starting to set, the sky above tinted with watercolors; pink and lavender stained glass. I hit the sidewalk and immediately started an intense clip; a warm-up required patience, and I simply had none left in me today. I needed to feel my muscles ache. I didn't know where I was going… I just needed to move.
Running was not a hobby or casual pastime with me. It was essential. I had been running since high school, and I had even earned an alternate spot on the track team at the University. But running had become vital to me in my first year of college, after… everything.
During those dark days, when my heart would fill and throb and endeavor to weaken my resolve… when the overwhelming sadness would creep into my rigid thoughts, or when the tears welled and threatened to spill over onto my cheeks… when I would feel… I would run. I would race my own consciousness, until my thoughts were anesthetized and the jagged edges of reality blunted.
Running made me feel in control when the rest of my life had felt frayed. If it had before served to train my mind to forcibly pound and sweat and force my irrational and wasted passion into submission, I now ran to maintain that rigorous self-control. If I had to put a name to it, I suppose "addiction" would be a fair label. I depended on the numbness as much as the running itself. Alice had stopped questioning me about it long ago, having taken now to accepting my habit and simply imploring me to "be careful." I often doubted that she just meant physically, outdoors, alone.
But ultimately, her concern was ultimately unnecessary. There was anything wrong with my particular coping mechanism. We're all addicted to something, right? Some people drink, others do drugs or eat or pick up random people in bars just to feel connected to someone for a few hours.
It could be worse, I reasoned on more than one occasion while looking at Alice's pleading, worried eyes. This is at least healthy for me.
Nothing wrong with running.
Now, as the dull static thudded hollowly in my ears, I tumbled into the void and all I could hear was my screaming muscles and steady cadence of my own feet.
But as the darkened cityscape I moved through slowly transformed into pastoral suburbia, a solitary thought, abrupt and unwelcome, penetrated my blissful mental white noise.
He makes me feel out of control.
I pushed myself harder, my pace staccato in the still night.
Christ, I couldn't be more absurd. Even Alice had noticed my juvenile behavior. I couldn't allow myself to be distracted by anything, especially this man… This client had to be everything to me. I couldn't mess this up.
Perfection was the only option.
I took in my surroundings. I had never been in this neighborhood before. I continued on, obstinately seeking to regain my control. Occasionally I passed another jogger, and I envied their slow, carefree pace.
They obviously weren't running from anything.
I realized with remorse that the static was gone; my meditation entirely defeated. However, I ran even harder, forcing my muscles forward. My breath escaped my body in hard bursts. I had no idea how long I had been out here… the sky was now dark, streetlights illuminating my path.
I regretted not grabbing a sweatshirt. Sweat rolled down my back and my tank top stuck to my overheated skin, the wind cutting straight to my bones. I reached up and rubbed my neck, and my own slick touch instantly sparked another unwanted vision…
Smoldering green eyes burning into mine. A strong hand on the back of my neck, slowly sliding up into my hair, threading through the damp strands as he pulls my head back, demanding better excess.
His other hand wrapping around my waist, claiming, slipping down my warm, wet back, before firmly gripping my hip with deft fingers.
My breasts pushing, straining, caught between his hard chest and my thrumming heart.
Panting as he pushes me back into the wet grass. My tongue tracing a sticky path along the column of his neck…
He tastes like salted flesh… and honey…
I jerked to a complete stop. I put both hands on my hips and tilted my head up to the dark sky.
Shit shit shit.
My lungs burned as I pulled the crisp night air deep into my chest.
A tidal wave of desperation crashed over me, threatening to knock me down. My legs hummed and my gasps were audible in the muted night.
I tried desperately to reason with myself: This was completely unrealistic. As unreasonable and irrational as it was, I couldn't deny the effect that he was having on my mind… and my body.
I couldn't run fast enough to avoid the truth. I felt… something for Edward Masen.
This. Stops. Now.
But that wasn't all. It wasn't just the fact that Edward's mere existence seemed to threaten my concentration, my career… This ache I was trying desperately to suppress wasn't just because of our professional connection, goddamn it.
A growl threatened to rip from my throat as I accepted the more painful reason that this couldn't continue…
He would never want me.
The bitter truth coated my tongue. I was cold and introverted and a work-whore, and I had to accept that he wasn't a possibility for me. I wasn't fun, or open, or the life of any party. I couldn't offer anything personal to anyone right now, let alone that Adonis.
This was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was visceral and intense, like touching a live wire to my bare skin… but he was not irresistible. He couldn't be. The fact that I was allowing this fantasy to assault me uninvited was beyond frustrating.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?
Okay, then. Hi, my name is Isabella Swan and I want to lick you.
Smiling weakly, I felt better that I could at least joke about this. Maybe this wasn't as bleak as I thought. Rationalizing my situation made me feel more in control. I felt stronger.
I began to walk quickly, attempting to stave off the cramps that were beginning to knot in my calves. I checked my GPS watch: nearly 8 miles in 56 minutes. Geez. I'd been running like the devil was after me.
All of a sudden I just wanted to be home in my bed. I knew Alice would be waiting for me in my bedroom with a Blu-Ray queued up and a pint of organic soy ice cream on the nightstand, as was always the case when I returned from these kinds of runs.
Enough for tonight.
Though I had never been to this exact neighborhood before, I had a pretty good sense of direction and figured it wouldn't take me more than 20 minutes to get back at a slower, non-punishing pace.
I was surprised to see someone in front of me now, running a full-out sprint. It was fairly late and the cold far too bone-chilling for any sane person to be out here, so I was immediately on guard. He was moving almost as fast as I had been before, and I half expected to see Satan himself nipping at his heels, too.
I squinted at the tall runner as he put more distance between us… and I felt like I was missing something, like the lyrics to a song the tickled the back of your eyelids and sat just beyond the reach of your tongue.
His back was broad and fairly nondescript. My eyes couldn't help but appreciate the hard muscles rolling under his wet white t-shirt. His calf muscles flexed under each heavy stride, like thick ropes under taut skin. His hair… His hair was bronze, wild and damp, curling at his neck…
No.
He never lost his rhythm as he ran a hand through the wavy tresses.
There's no way.
Incredulously, I stared. My eyes never left his sticky back and neck.
The runner rapidly crossed the street and turned the corner, out of my field of vision. I never saw his face…
It wasn't him, I thought adamantly. I was out here to escape him, not to find him…
What were the odds of seeing him in a random neighborhood in Seattle? On a Monday night, sprinting like a crazy person? Like me?
But while my thoughts were determined to deny it, my body knew the truth. I could smell the tanned leather in the air, made potent by slick sweat. Adrenaline surged through my veins, blistering and confusing.
Enough. I thought again. My shoulders slumped. I turned off my music and walked home in churning silence.
Tomorrow, I had to be better.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ding.
The sound of an email startled me back to reality. I had been completely lost in my notes, which were stacked in piles around me. My Outlook revealed that I had an email from Angela.
So far, my Tuesday had been a complete success. I had stayed steadfastly focused on the Cullen presentation and purposefully ignorant to anything or anyone else. I allowed myself to be momentarily pleased: it was already 3pm and I hadn't allowed myself to think about anything but work all day.
Well, maybe for a second, I'd stumbled slightly.
Today, he was wearing charcoal grey pants and a tailored light grey shirt, with the top two buttons cruelly left undone. No tie. His hair was impossible as ever, but my mind's eye saw it wet and curled, and his back wet and slippery.
I had immediately torn my eyes away and heaved my thoughts back to projected expense reports.
Mind of over matter.
I opened the email from Angela. The first part was to let me know that she had contacted Rosalie Hale, the Cullen's executive assistant, and set up a time for the meeting. I appreciated Angela's efficiency.
The second half of the email was much more troubling.
It was only one sentence, brief and naked. It was a formal request for me to allow Mike Newton access to my private calendar.
My eyebrows furrowed, and I looked up toward Angela's desk. She stared fixedly down at her monitor. Even from across the large room I could detect her obvious discomfort. I typed a quick reply.
Ms. Weber,
Thank you for setting up the meeting time.
Curious: Is there a specific reason that Mr. Newton would need to see my schedule?
Thank you.
I hit send and watched her face. A few seconds later I took in her pained expression and sigh as she began to type. Quickly, I had a response.
Ms. Swan,
Mr. Swan thought it would be best if Mike could have access to your calendar so he could monitor your progress on the Cullen project. He asked that I send the request.
I re-read the message twice. I slowly looked back up at Angela, who was already looking at me with a pained expression. I'm sorry, she mouthed.
I couldn't be angry at her; it wasn't her fault my father didn't trust me, nor was it her fault that Mike was an arrogant prick. I nodded at her, trying to look as natural as possible; she looked relieved.
I went to my calendar and sent a share invite to Mike, cc'ing Angela and my father. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Mike lean back, a self-righteous smile twisting his porcelain smooth skin. He looked my way with shameless enthusiasm. I wanted to throw a stapler at his head.
My anger on a low simmer, I let out a slow breath and turned my attention back to my work.
I could allow myself a small pat on the back; I had made great progress today. The entire presentation outline was nearly completed and I was currently crunching numbers for a three month budget projection. I had also started on the summary hand-out to give to the Cullens. Tomorrow I would spend all day creating spreadsheets. Sexy.
I calmed myself by thinking through my to-do list for the next two days. I had a really promising idea for an advertising campaign. Unfortunately, I was shit at drawing. Alice could sketch a little, but I needed something more… professional. Something special. Something to really make them see they had picked the right woman to get this job accomplished…
And just like that, I had the answer. I was surprised I hadn't already made this call. I reached for my phone and dialed a familiar number.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Jasper? It's Bella."
"Bells!" Jasper laughed cheerfully. "I'm so glad to hear from you! It's been a while, babe!"
My heart swelled at the friendly tone; such an unfamiliar reaction in this environment. "I know. It's entirely my fault."
It was true. Jasper and I had a rare, natural connection; our friendship was easy and uncomplicated. However, I was ashamed that I had cancelled many a dinner date with him in the recent months due to late-nights at here at this very desk.
Jasper chuckled. "I forgive you. Working a little too hard, huh? Shocker."
I laughed out loud, and Mike's head snapped up. I blushed and looked away, ducking my face out of his line of sight.
"You could definitely say that, yeah."
I had met Jasper in grad school. We were both in the MBA program and had many of the same classes. Besides being an incredibly gifted artist, Jasper was also a savvy entrepreneur and knew that to run a business he needed more than talent alone. He had put himself through business school by doing some free-lance designing and dabbling in the stock market. Jasper was wholly unique, a free spirit in the truest sense. He was usually a mess of color and words, a whirling dervish of ideas and stories and randomness. He was loose and relaxed and everything that I was not.
Today, he ran his own very successful, if modest, graphic design business. Despite efforts, I had yet to convince him to let me manage his business and make him a millionaire. I'd offered to charge him only Thai food and beer, but so far still no luck.
"How are you, besides working yourself to death?"
I rubbed small circles in the underside of my desk with my index finger. "Fine. Work is hard, but rewarding. Long hours, corporate-schmoozing, stress… just like I always dreamed."
"Okay… but I asked how you were, not your job." I smiled again. Just like Alice, Jasper never let me get away with anything.
"I'm… stressed. But okay."
I heard Jasper grunt. "There's got to be a reason that the beautiful Bella Swan has graced me with a phone call."
I grimaced. "I wish I could say that I just called just to talk, Jazz. If it means anything, I'm going to try much harder to do that more often." And I really meant it. Hearing his voice, I realized that I missed Jasper terribly. I missed a lot of things. "But today, I have a bit of a business proposition for you."
I told him about the situation with the Cullens, the sheer magnitude of their account, and how important it was to my career to do well at this next meeting. Jasper whooped and cheered for me, as I knew he would; he was always genuinely excited for me whenever something good came my way. However, when I explained that they also wanted to create a new advertising campaign, his enthusiasm quieted and I could tell he was listening hard.
"… and I thought of you. Are you interested?"
He sputtered. "Are you kidding me? Fuck yes, I'm interested!"
I laughed soundlessly, feeling the tight coil in my chest loosen even so slightly. I wondered why I was trying so hard to hide my happiness from the office; did it really matter that I had one human emotion? To let him see that I at least have the ability to feel?
Yes. It does matter. I cleared my throat and wiped my face of unnecessary expression.
Jasper and I discussed what the Cullen project would need. I told him the basic theme that had in mind, and Jasper took the idea and spun it into something amazing. By the time we were done, I was getting genuinely excited.
"You're damn good, Jazz. I cannot wait to see what you come up with. Tomorrow at my office, around 3 o'clock?" I set the appointment in my Outlook, rolling my eyes when I realized that Mike would probably ask about it now that he shared my calendar.
"That sounds great, Bella." I could hear papers rustling in the background. "Listen, seriously—thank you so much for this opportunity. If this goes well… this could change my business. It could change my life."
"Jasper, you and me both." I angled my face toward the window. "I couldn't imagine working with anyone else on this. I want the best, so I go with the best."
"I look forward to seeing you tomorrow then. Maybe we could get drinks or something this weekend?"
Oh wow. I couldn't even remember the last time I had set foot in a bar. "Sure Jazz, that sounds great."
"I'll hold you to that." Jasper paused. I heard him take a slow breath. "So… how is Alice?" I sighed softly.
During grad school, Jasper used to hang out with me and Alice all the time. We spent almost every weekend together, studying and shopping, watching baseball games and cooking elaborate dinners for us in our little kitchen. We had clicked immediately, and I was so glad that my two closest friends had gotten along so well. I knew it when Jasper had laughed wildly at Alice the first day we had all hung out, when she leapt up on the couch, jumping and cursing like a sailor over a bad call for the Mariners.
Jasper, being the incredibly loyal and hopelessly romantic man that he was, had fallen hopelessly and silently in love with her from that moment on.
Unfortunately, Alice at the time had still been engaged to her high school sweetheart. Embry had been tall and handsome and stupid as a box of rocks, with an unfortunate penchant for cheating on Alice. Often. I had watched Jasper watch her for months, suffering in a reverent silence. It made my heart ache.
When Alice's engagement had finally dissolved, Jasper had respectfully stepped back, wanting to give her space… but had never stepped up back, despite my insistent prodding. Days turned into weeks turned into years, and Jasper had stopped coming over as much as he did when we were students. However, without fail, he asked about Alice whenever we spoke.
"She's doing great, Jazz. She's been super busy with clients lately. She loves it." He remained silent, so I continued. "Maybe she could meet us when we go out, huh?"
I could hear Jasper's even breathing, and I wondered if I had said the right thing. Then, softly, he said, "It was really good talking with you, Bella. And thanks again."
I hung up, saddened by Jasper's sudden somber tone. I'd have to remember to talk with him about it…
"What was so funny, Bella?" Mike's voice ripped away my positive mood with a jerk. "Until today, I didn't know that you could laugh."
My anger started to boil. My cheeks flared, but I kept my breathing calm and even.
"Hello, Mr. Newton. You seem to have a lot of free time right now. Are you taking a break?" I refused to meet his eyes and instead busied my hands by shuffling through my paperwork. No response. I kept my eyes down, broadcasting murderous thoughts. Mike remained still, his presence unavoidable.
Unexpectedly, he pressed his hand flat onto the papers I was holding, his fingers splayed out wide. I raised my head and looked up at him, my cheeks tinting pink. Mike rarely shocked me, but I was definitely shocked right now.
"Nope." His blue eyes flitted back and forth between mine. "I was just wondering what your meeting was about tomorrow, and how you were holding up with all of this responsibility sitting on your pretty shoulders." His tone was so patronizing, even my scalp burned. "Do you need my help coming up with a plan? I'd be more than happy to give you some… extra attention."
My face went blank. I leaned back and placed my hands on the desk. I did not smile.
"My meeting is business related. And thank you for your offer, Mr. Newton, but I can handle myself."
We both sat there a moment longer, Mike's eyes challenging mine. I refused to turn away.
He finally chuckled softly and stood up. "Well, when you need me, you know where I sit." Finger guns.
Despite my best efforts to deny it, I was shaken up. I was frustrated that he had gotten to me again. I lowered my head and aimlessly shuffled my notes, hoping that Mike hadn't seen my discomfort. It was bad enough that he heard my casual conversation with Jasper.
I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the uneasy tension from yesterday once again gripping my chest. I needed to get a hold of myself, to focus. What if someone else had heard me giggling like a schoolgirl with Jasper? Hot embarrassment crept up my neck.
I never behave like this. I was so disappointed in myself for the last two days. My resolve was usually steel, shiny smooth and constant. So what the fuck was going on with me? Laughing like I was a child, getting all worked up and upset about situations and words and fucking jawlines. I felt twisted, unanchored.
I heard footsteps approaching my desk, and I immediately ducked my head lower, trying to look busy. Jesus, Mike, enough. My muscles in my forearms contracted and my body tensed.
"I said I was handling it," I said through clenched teeth. "I am very busy here and I would appreciate no further distractions." I paused and waiting for some condescending retort… but no words came. Suddenly, I realized that my olfactory system wasn't being assaulted by cheap cologne…
I smelled leather and rain and honey.
As my eyes snapped up, I saw Edward taking a step back, smiling apologetically. "Of course, Ms. Swan."
I was horrified. My brain filled with static.
No. Oh, no.
I wanted desperately to go back in time ten seconds. I wanted to explain my rudeness… mostly, I just wanted to say something, anything, instead of just fucking staring up at him with wide eyes.
"Mr. Masen…" I started. I drew in a breath. "I thought…"
"No, please. I apologize for interrupting." He took another step back. "I'll talk with you later, at a better time." Of course, because he was the gentleman that Mike wasn't.
Edward really smiled at me then—the crooked smile that my fingertips had tentatively stroked last night in a dream. I had woken overheated, alone, covered in clammy sweat.
He walked away, and I sagged back into my chair. I was filled with nervous energy. I wanted to jump up and grasp at his arms, irrationally driven to fix this last encounter… make him understand that his presence was the only fucking thing I craved…
But instead, I stared at his back.
I idly wondered what his skin would feel like underneath my fingernails…
I'm losing it.
I was already dialing Alice before I realized I was doing it.
"Hi Bella! It's work-time, what are you doing?" Her voice tinkled in my ear.
"Alice!" I struggled to keep my voice calm. This morning had gone so well, exactly according to plan… what has happening to me?
My voice must have displayed the same desperate edge that was gnawing at my frayed edges, because immediately Alice was all business.
"What happened?"
"Ali, Charlie made me share my calendar, and then Mike touched my papers, and then I was rude to Edward!" The words poured out of my mouth; my heart raced and my face burned.
"Okay, hold up. First off, do you mean the Edward who 'wasn't anything to mention?' That Edward ?" I could tell she was smiling again. I shut my eyes.
"Alice, I was so discourteous to him right now, and he was so nice, and he smiled at me all crooked…" My forehead was moist. I was absolutely horrified at myself.
What. The. Fuck.
Alice was laughing now. I had only called her from work like this twice before: once during those first three months of hell, and the other on a particularly miserable day when my tire had blown, I had deleted a very important file and had to ask Emmett for help, and I had almost broken my ankle in the torture-devices that she had made me strap to my feet that morning. This was a rare moment indeed.
"Bella. You are never careless or unprofessional, so I bet it's not as bad as you think it is."
I ran my finger along my mouse. My eyebrows furrowed and I looked around the room. "You don't work with me."
"Bella," Alice said again, more firmly. "Finish your work, and go talk to him."
"Alice, I can't. One: just no. Two: why on earth would he have anything to say to me now, after that? And three," I bowed my head, mentally bracing myself for the truth before it escaped my mouth. "…I am a stuttering puddle of goo when he is around."
There it was. I said it. Out loud. To another person.
I heard Alice take in a sharp breath. "Oh, wow." She was silent for a moment, obviously stunned by my honesty. I had before never admitted to her that I let a man affect me like this.
Please please please be kind, you little gnome, I begged wordlessly. Don't coo and tell me how 'cute' I am being. I might gag.
She cleared her throat. I braced myself.
"You have to work with him," she said simply. I cocked my head; her serious tone was unexpected. "You have to put together a presentation, right?"
"Yes," I replied cautiously.
"Then the solution is easy," she continued briskly. "Go find him and work out a time to meet to discuss the presentation."
I once again remembered why I loved Alice. She knew exactly what I needed to hear: focus on the job at hand.
My spine straightened. My head felt more clear. "Exactly right, Ms. Brandon." I brushed back my hair. "I'll see you when I get home, then."
"Oh yes. Later, Ms. Swan. We have much to talk about." I cringed, but I knew she'd earned it. I would give her details later… Some details.
I hung up my phone and looked at my clock: 4:56pm. I could already hear the soft rustling of imminent departure coming from around the office. Edward was seated at an IT desk, in the far corner of the room. He was sitting profile to me, his jaw flexed as he stared at the computer screen in front of him. I watched him covertly from under my eyelashes, my pen poised like I was signing something…
Or signing something away.
Go. Just do it. Like pulling off a band-aid. I stood up.
I walked along the carpet briskly, resolute, eyes fixed on that jaw line.
Mr. Masen, I was hoping we could schedule a time to meet and work on the Cullen presentation.
Mr. Masen, pardon me please, but are you free tomorrow afternoon to go over the Cullen account?
Mr. Masen, I was wondering, which side of the bed do you prefer to sleep on?
Ugh.
I was about ten feet from him when he looked up. The electric green current jolted down my spine, jittered down my stomach, and settled in my thighs. My mind stuttered but I kept my stride. Our eyes were locked… and I almost ran directly in to Jessica, who stepped into my path and blocked Edward from my vision.
"Excuse me, Edward." Jessica's voice was high and false. "Would you do me a huge favor and please take a look at something?" Her long blonde hair hung straight down her back. She was taller than me anyway, but in her five inch heels she towered above my head.
She looked down, feigning surprise. "Oh! Ms. Swan, I didn't see you there. Did you need something?" Her thin eyebrows lifted and she leaned her head to one side. Behind her, Edward was still looking at me, blazing and intense.
It was easy to pretend in front of Jessica. "Nothing at all, Ms. Stanley. Excuse me."
I continued on my path, shifting ever so slightly so I was now angled toward the hallway where the private restrooms were, hoping it looked like that was my intended path all along. The ladies room was on my left.
As I pushed on the door, I couldn't help but turn my head and look back in his direction. Jessica was leaning over Edward's desk, practically reclining across his thick thighs. Her black skirt was high and shamelessly tight, wrapped around jutting hips. Her pink sweater was treacherously low cut. To Edward's credit, his eyes were fixed straight down at the paper she was pointing at, his hands flat on the desktop.
My noisy exhale echoed off marble walls as I tried to slow my racing heart. I walked up to the full length mirror and peered at my reflection, and what I saw was a stark difference from the blonde succubus outside of the door.
My thick chestnut hair was pinned up—I always kept it up at work. I was suddenly anxious to pull out the bobby pins and free my natural curl that I held captive all day. I ran my hands down my naked neck and scrutinized the face looking back at me: heart-shaped, with a small straight nose, dark eyebrows and long eyelashes. High cheekbones, full pink lips, pale skin. I tended to wear very little make-up. Jessica, on the other hand, looked like she worked in a nightclub.
I fussed with the wide neck of my cream-colored sweater that Alice had picked out the night before. She loved to dress me and long ago I had given up fighting her on it. I loved this green skirt: designer, form-fitted until mid-thigh and then flared out. Alice had also decided on these shoes, allowing no room for discussion: the black leather, knee-high, Chanel boots with the sharp stiletto heel. Professional vixen, she had insisted, winking as she pulled them out of my closet. I had rolled my eyes and pretended not to notice that they tag-teamed with this skirt and made my ass look amazing. I sighed. Not that it mattered to anyone. Not that it should.
Okay. Enough procrastinating.
I was plain and as fashionable as I was ever going to be, and I still had to go over there and talk to him. Even if Jessica were lying spread-eagle on his desk… and I wouldn't put it past her…
I had to get over this.
He's just a co-worker, Bella. A computer guy. A man. A hard-bodied, leather smelling, honey flavored man. I determinedly swept my bangs off my forehead and left the bathroom.
Oh thank you. Jessica was gone, and Edward was once again sitting alone at his desk, eyes fixed on his monitor. He was absently rubbing his jaw with his right hand.
I hesitated, adjusting the hem of my sweater. He must have caught my movement because he looked up then and met my eyes. I almost forgot how to walk.
"Mr. Masen." My voice was strong and calm; this encouraged me as I approached him. "I am not interrupting your work with Ms. Stanley, am I?"
He rolled his eyes and his lips formed a small smile. My stomach flipped at the casual gesture; intimate and relaxed. "Absolutely not, no." His was voice liquid velvet. Green eyes chuckled at me from behind thick lashes. He stopped, still smiling. Waiting.
"I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier." My cool formality was at odds with his warm presence. I pushed ahead. "For being so rude. I thought you were… someone else." It's okay to be rude to someone else, right? Smooth Swan.
"Oh?" Edward turned his head slightly; he shot a look at Mike's now empty desk. "Anyone I know?" He ran his hand through his hair and smiled at me. Crookedly. Dammit. I immediately flushed. Stupid skin.
I cleared my throat and my own lips twitched, almost betraying me. "Perhaps."
His long fingers once again found his hair. My hands trembled; I wondered what those bronze locks would feel like threaded through my fingers. I knew his hair curled when it was damp…
"Please don't apologize. It's already forgotten." His full lips were perfect. I was letting him dazzle me again…
Before I could convince myself not to, I was smiling back at him. Really smiling.
Oh Jesus.
As tightly wound as I had been that last two days at just the thought of Edward Masen, I now found myself… relaxing as I stood near him?
I momentarily wondered if I might be going insane. However, that in that instant, I couldn't find it in me to care enough to turn away.
His mouth curled up on the right side. The air between us was thick and warm.
"Anyway, I also wanted to congratulate you," my mouth continued on. My nerves were blazing. I felt jittery and brave, and high on the energy he seemed to be exuding, "on being selected for the Cullen account."
"I could definitely say the same for you." One of his hands settled on his desktop, the other rested on top his stupid luscious thigh. I felt myself instantly flush, realizing in horror that it sounded like I had been fishing for a compliment.
"Oh no, that's not what I meant… I didn't mean me… I just thought that your presentation was excellent." I stammered, feeling horribly awkward. How can I let this man make me feel so many different things at once? I had started off doing so well, and then I had to go off script and look like an idiot.
My face was on fire, and the knowledge that my embarrassment covered my face like red paint furthered my humiliation. I stood there silently, shifting my weight from one spiked boot to the other. He, on the other hand, looked completely at ease, his face not betraying a single hint as to what he was thinking. He unnerves me. That's a good way to describe it.
I brushed my bangs back behind my ear. "Anyway… it looks like we will be working together." And the sky is blue, Seattle is rainy, and you look phenomenal in grey, too. Way to go, Captain Obvious.
He nodded, agreeing with my groundbreaking observation. "How are your reports coming?" He leaned back in his chair, his fingers lacing together across his excruciatingly flat stomach.
I paused. He was trying to converse with me. Our exchange was become dangerously… normal. I realized that I didn't want it to end.
I couldn't look away from him. It was like I was watching myself from a distance, like some kind of weird out of body experience. This office was a place of focus, of restraint, of sensory deprivation. Talking with Edward now, hearing his silky voice, even standing near him now made me feel like a different person.
My senses were alive and humming under my skin. Right this second, I wasn't Isabella Swan: consummately professional, militantly disciplined, the picture of restraint. For just a moment, for a pithy flash, I knew I was someone capable of social interaction and who maybe, just maybe, could connect with this exquisite creature in front of me. I felt… hopeful.
Electricity once again snapped between us. I tasted it on my tongue, sharp and acrid. I licked my lips.
"It's going very well, thank you. I believe I will be done with the outline by tomorrow."
He studied my face for a moment before he finally said, "You're being modest."
I blinked, surprised. How did he know? In fact, I was already past completing my outline. My reaction had been immediate and unconscious; I had a habit of wanting people to underestimate me, to not see me as a threat until it was too late. It worked with Mike like a charm.
Alice, of course, had a hypothesis. She always knew when I wasn't being completely forthcoming with how much work I had gotten done. When she called me out on it I was always apologetic, explaining that it was just a work habit and I really didn't meant to do it with her. I was real with her… or at least I tried to be. I needed to be.
"That's not why you do it, Bella."
"Oh really? Do tell."
"No." She shook her head. Her eyes were wide, nearly coal black, sad. "You do it because you don't want anyone to see how consumed with work you are. You do it to feel more normal."
Her revelation had shoved me backward into stupefied silence. It also had inspired an impromptu half-marathon run that night.
Was she right? I'd wondered. Was I …ashamed?
No. I was just dedicated, and that was nothing about which to be embarrassed. The fact that I didn't take lunch breaks, that I got in early and stayed late into the night. That I basically was my job…
I'm a mess. This guy is in for it.
"Perhaps," I said again. My stupid face was burning red, and I lowered my eyes. I was going gooey again, and this was headed toward disaster. I need to salvage what dignity I can and get out of here while I'm still a solid mass.
I pressed my palms flat against my thighs and met his gaze, which had yet to leave my face.
What was your point in coming over here, Swan? I cleared my throat. "When do you think we can get together?" I stopped short and inhaled sharply. "To put together the presentation," I rushed to add.
I might embarrass myself to death. Right here, in these boots. In front of him.
Edward thought a moment. "Good question. I know I have some appointments tomorrow…" He turned slightly and clicked the calendar on this computer. "Oh. With my old company, actually."
"Black & Clearwater? On 56th Street?" I wanted to clamp my hand over my dumb, loose mouth. I had just blurted out way more information than I needed to acknowledge that I knew.
That's something a stalker would know, Bella. A stuttering stalker who fishes for compliments and can't stop starting at his lips. Kill me now.
His head swiveled back toward me, that smile doing nothing to calm my ragged breathing. If I could have gotten away with it, there would have been nothing but a Bella-shaped cloud to indicate where I had been standing.
"Yes. That's them." He turned back to the monitor and I heaved out a silent breath. "I could email you my outline and the power point presentation by tomorrow afternoon, and then maybe Thursday we could meet up and finalize everything. Will that work for you?"
I nodded. I refused to say anything else, for fear my lips might act on their own accord and do something stupid again, like tell him how hopelessly sexy I found his arms. That would be whipped cream on top of the humble pie I was currently choking down.
He nodded back. "Great. It's set then." He had one final smile for me: crooked and authentic and undoubtedly honey flavored. "I will see you tomorrow, Ms. Swan."
"Mr. Masen," I said with finality. I spun away from him, probably a little too quickly. I was hyper aware of my hips swiveling ridiculously under my silly green skirt as I grabbed my purse and launched myself toward the lobby.
I never allowed myself to look back at him.
As the doors to the elevator slid shut in front of me, I finally put one hand up over my hot face.
Yup. Nailed it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Bella, it couldn't possibly be as bad as you're saying." Alice's voice was muffled from inside of my closet and through the pillow I had firmly pressed over my face.
"No, Ali. It's definitely worse." I emerged from my soft shield and brushed my bangs back with vigor. "I have never behaved this way. Never allowed myself to behave this way. When have you even known me to… to not be able to…"
"Control yourself?" She poked her head out and looked at me, a serious expression on her face. "Bella, why is that so terrible? To lose control?"
I lifted the pillow. I stared at her, my eyes wide. "Are you nuts? Alice, you know how hard I've worked." The panic I'd been struggling with all evening slowly began rising in my throat. "How much it has cost me to be where I am, to get this shot… How can I chance throwing it all away on this man… who makes me feel weak and unpolished and…"
Alice sat down on my bed and touched my hand. "… vulnerable?"
"Stop doing that." I nodded vigorously. "Yes."
"Bella… would it really be so terrible to let your guard down a little bit? To take a chance?" I opened my mouth to tell her that yes, that would in fact be so terrible, but she continued through my almost-protest.
"Bella, you are in the position that you are in because you deserve it. You earned his account." She was looking at me with such conviction, and I felt a swell of love for my best friend. "You are smart and talented and the most driven person I have even met in my life.
"But make no mistake about it: you have this shot because of who you are. Your success is not… I repeat, is not… dependent on keeping everyone at arm's length, though I know you have spent countless hours and miles convincing yourself that is exactly the case."
I huffed, stubbornly fighting her tenderness.
She gripped my hand harder, bending her head to seek my eyes. "I love you because you are funny and thoughtful and love to laugh. But I live with two Bellas: Wonderful Home Bella and Cold Work Ms. Swan."
My eyes snapped up to hers. We very rarely talked about this, about my work life. Alice was usually neutral Switzerland, just listening and absorbing and lending sympathy when needed. She was really saying something now, and I knew I needed to listen.
"I understand how difficult it is for you there. But the people in the office are cold to you because they don't know you. You have never allowed them to. I'm not saying your reasons aren't valid, but that's the reality of your situation. And this guy, Edward… Who knows what the future holds for you two." She stopped my open mouth with a wave of her hand. "Maybe just a good working relationship, or maybe a great friendship. But you will never know unless you allow yourself to live a little. You can be a success at work and have a life, Bells. But you don't believe that.
"You're missing out. On everything. And it makes me sad."
My breathing was suddenly ragged. I am not going to cry. Not now. I opened my mouth once more, but Alice again gently cut me off.
"Your clothes are on your chair. Goodnight." She kissed my forehead.
She walked out of my room, leaving alone and in the flat darkness.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Less than thirty minutes later, I was moving aimlessly though the black night. I ran until my legs cried out for mercy and threatened to dump me on to the cold, unyielding ground.
Sparks danced before my eyes; emerald green fireworks shooting into the cold sky.
Poor Bella. Welcome back to reality.
A *ginormous* thanks to each and every one of you who read, story alerted, or reviewed this craziness. I literally do a fist-pump when I read a thoughtful review… I had NO IDEA how awesome reviews were until I started this little journey. So from the bottom of my heart: thank you.
-ahealthyaddiction