~*~ UPDATE: I'm so sorry fanfic didn't send everyone the chapter update alert, and also that it didn't save my final draft where I had FIXED these typos. Grrrrrrrr. I hope to have corrected them all (again), if you see anymore PLEASE let me know. *muah* ~*~
Dawn (MusicJunki) is incredible. She offers both thoughtful insight and fierce reassurance, even when it's crazy late and I've rambled on for 12k+ words. Thank you forever.
BTW, sometimes I forget to mention that I don't own Twilight. This condition persists.
Bella. Thursday.
That night was the first time I dreamed of Edward Masen.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
We are back on the dark street where I first saw him. Moving. Running from me.
His back is wet and hard again, muscles contracting and straining underneath thin white cotton. The fabric sticks to skin, contouring to the long line of his spine, wrapping around his lean waist. Legs extend beyond loose black shorts, long and hard, pistoning as he chases down the pavement.
And I want to run away… but I can't.
He turns and sees me staring. The sky is pitch black, white pinholes of light peek through, and we are alone in the dark world. I can see my own panting breath escaping into the night air.
His eyes locked with mine, he walks toward me. I blink. I can't move.
He approaches me slowly, like he were stalking prey. His smell is everywhere, swirling and consuming: melted brown sugar, smoky tanned leather, tangy salt-sweat. I draw him in my lungs, hold him there.
He reaches me, pausing a few feet away, silent and still. My nerves send sparks, dancing like live wires. They anticipate.
His eyes searching mine, his body hard and tight and right there… my fingers twitch toward him, but I don't dare reach. I am consumed by the energy he radiates; my chest heaves, and in spite of his searing heat, my nipples harden.
I drink in his cheeks, his lips, his eyelashes, his neck because I can look at him now, free to stare and drink and smolder, and I don't have to look away or distract myself or chastise myself for wanting this, for wanting to feel and be filled, wanting him to fill me...
He burns me. It's a stark contrast with the cutting cold night air surrounding us, sharp and thrilling. I feel myself swell and urgent wetness rushes between my legs. I'm tingling, aching, my pussy throbs and I honestly fear I might explode if he just touches me, if he moves his hand and makes simple, sinful contact with my flesh…
But he simply continues watching me, and his only his eyes caress my lonely skin. I feel his gaze slide over my neck, across my breasts, stroke my heat.
He moves forward. His hand lifts, stretches out, reaching, so fucking slowly…
And oh god he is here, he's touching me, his hot palm is sliding over skin, cupping my neck, my jaw. Fingers tangle into my hair, and he gently pulls me toward him, and hot white stars burst in my stomach, in my chest, to the pulsing heat between my legs.
We crash into each other. His sharp hips push into my abdomen, and oh fuck I feel his hardness, pressing, urgent, right there... His hands grip my waist, not allowing an escape –
But I don't want to run.
He bends his head down toward mine. His hair is soft and wild against my cheek, my lips. I feel his breath roll across my neck, tickling the sensitive skin behind my ear. His nose lightly skims my chin, my jaw, my neck… but never my parted, trembling lips.
I jerk reflexively when first I feel his tongue caress the shell of my ear in one long stroke, textured and moist and hot. Hard teeth nibble the lobe. Other parts of my body offer an immediate request for similar attention: my throat, the skin just inside my wrist, my hard nipples, the taut skin of my stomach, my aching pussy.
I let my head fall backward, arching my spine, my fight gone, resolve forgotten. His lithe body curves to match mine, never letting me go, refusing to let me leave.
His lips attach to my neck then, sweetly biting at the buzzing flesh.
I moan softly,
fucking feeling everything.
His hand is twisted deep in my hair now, holding me tightly in place, fully supporting my head because
I just can't do it by myself anymore.
His eyes catch mine again. I am trapped and free and definitely alive. I silently beg him to do this, please do this, I'm too scared to do it... too scared not to do it...
and finally, mercifully, oh thank fucking god his lips meet mine, his bottom lip fitting between my parted flesh, sweet and fire and emeralds, claiming me, all searing motion and wetness. My legs give out but his solid arms hold me upright. His tongue is urgent, insisting upon my lower lip.
The grass and my thighs are slick.
I part my lips, opening myself, accepting his challenge and I meet him halfway…
and oh god he tastes...
like liquid fire and leather...
his hands on me, in me, velvet adrenaline in my veins...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sat up straight, spine stiff, muscles clenched.
I was enveloped in total darkness; there were no stars, no gentle moon-glow, no illumination.
Shit.
A dream.
My heart was pounding. I ran my hands through my hair and they came away wet; I was sweating. I peeled off my soaked tank top and threw it in a heap on the floor. I ran my hands over my skin, trying to sooth my pounding heart.
But I can't dream.
I hadn't had a dream in… fuck, I couldn't even remember how long.
My pillow was damp so I flipped it over, too shaken to actually get up and find a replacement. Vivid pieces of the dream assaulted me, coming back in disjointed flashes that filled all five senses: damp grass, the smell of something sweet, hot textured skin and pressure on my back, green satin seeming to taste my neck…
No.
This wasn't happening. For the most part, I had stopped dreaming long ago, save for a few random images here and there. Nothing I could remember, at least. My unconscious mind was too cruel, too quick to remember things that I just didn't think about... things that were too pathetic and too shameful to be given any more attention.
Things I was done with.
I must not have pushed myself hard enough tonight.
My running served many purposes. Not only did it allow me to zone out, to just not think for an hour or so… and not only had my harsh workouts helped to train my mind to harden and obey… but I had eventually discovered that it also gave me a way to completely shut down for the night. I had learned long ago that if I ran to the point of utter exhaustion, both my mind and my body turned off as soon as I hit the pillow and I wouldn't have to worry about what my brain felt like rehashing against my will, during the night. My mind would spend every bit of energy I had left for recharging, and it would leave nothing to dedicate to dreaming or rehashing pointless memories; I would just tumble into the void and float there until it was time to do it all again.
Admittedly, as far as dreams go, this was a good one – fucking fantastic, even – but what if it happens again? What if next time, my mind decides to revisit truths that I had long ago accepted and learned to live with?
Unpredictability was unacceptable. I was beginning to lose control over what I thought during the day … and now there was a possibility I could no longer manage what I thought at night, too? It was like my brain was being hijacked, and I was powerless.
Goddamn it. Powerless was not a word I allowed.
I lay back, panting, sweating. Not now. Please don't do this to me again. I'll do anything. I'll go out, I'll do whatever Alice says, just please…
My eyes were screwed tight shut, and I realized that my fists were balled up into my sheets. I flipped over onto my back and concentrated on steadying my breathing. I rested my palm flat on my, feeling the gentle rise and fall as I drew breaths in and pushed them out. My skin there was moist, and my fingers glided over the wet skin in random patterns.
I was frustrated that I was slipping. My routine obviously needed to be intensified. I was being too far easy on myself…
Regardless, I'm awake now.
To top it off, I was stubbornly trying to ignore the persistent throbbing between my legs.
I remembered my dream. Every second of it. I remembered long, thick legs and a broad wet chest… curly damp hair and full pink lips… a rough jaw rasping over sensitive skin…
I was surprised when my aimlessly roaming fingers suddenly met with fine lace.
My eyes went wide.
Oh.
I hadn't thought of doing that.
I hadn't… ah, "taken care of myself," in a few weeks now. Sexual release was just another one of those things that I simply didn't need. It was unnecessary, counterproductive… and the conventional method sort of needed a partner, which wasn't really an option for me. When I really, truly couldn't ignore the ache anymore and I needed to deal with it… well, I did. I was only human, after all.
I likened the act to performing routine maintenance for an automobile.
For the most part, I ignored it. The ache, the longing, the neediness... I didn't acknowledge it. I didn't want it.
Sexual desire was an echo inside of me that, like sadness and uncertainty, had become an afterthought for me. I wanted to remain hollow.
But now…
Now my fingers were being rebellious.
Goosebumps covered my skin, inspired by cool night air on my exposed skin. My left hand had slid slowly up my stomach and was grazing the bottom of my bare breast, my fingers lightly tracing the underside of the soft swell. My other hand was cautiously dipping just underneath the lace trim of the boyshorts that I was wearing: not low enough to feel the gentle rise of my pubic bone, but low enough to get my attention.
I didn't have to like it, but I figured that this was natural and necessary.
Time for a tune-up.
Maybe this will help me sleep, I reasoned. So I can go about my day like a normal person… whatever that means for me.
I gasped as my cold fingers found and tentatively circled an erect nipple. I caressed the pink skin softly, hesitantly. A soft groan slipped loose, and my tongue darted out to lick my lips before I pulled the lower between my teeth, attempting to stifle any further noise. I took a deep breath through my nose, gathering myself. I flicked my puckered nipple with my thumb.
Edward.
It was his hands on me.
His long, beautiful fingers that I had jealously observed manipulating a keyboard, or his cell phone, or tormenting his hair… of all things, his fucking hair haunted me. Bronze madness and pure sex, always looking like he's always just been fucked.
His hands were palming both breasts now, caressing the soft flesh, rolling the stiff rosy peaks between flat fingers. I held my breath as one hand slid down along my stomach before burying itself under lace and cotton.
The rogue fingers barely grazed along my soaking slit, gently probing, exploring the smooth, bare skin. I was already so slick… shamefully eager. Needy flesh yielding to weakness.
I moaned again, inaudibly, pushing my head back into my pillow. I pinched my nipple hard, both excited and embarrassed that my body automatically knew what I really liked.
My teeth snapped shut with a click when I abruptly slipped a finger inside of my tight heat, and then another.
Yes.
I was blazing against the cool night, trying to keep my body as still possible as I softly rubbed and bucked my hips. My fingers played me like an instrument, plucking taut stings and pressing smooth ivory keys, slipping between folded flesh, finally finding the part of me that was hot and uncomplicated and alive…
My teeth continued to worry at my lower lip when my fingers… fuck, his fingers… danced over the small bundle of nerves that was singing for pressure.
There.
I made another pass over my throbbing clit… tighter this time, more urgent…
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
My hands flew from my skin as if I had touched a hot stove, and I gasped.
Confusion was replaced by exasperation was replaced by humiliation as I hit my alarm clock with my closed fist. I felt like I'd been caught doing something awful. My nerves sang for the return of fingertips and friction.
No. It was time to get up for work… my real life.
I did not bother to finish my endeavor.
This is what you get, Bella. You can't even do this right…
I laughed out loud. My pulse was slowing now, and my thoughts were clear.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I lost myself to monotony.
The morning was a complete blur: a whirlwind of rustling papers, crunching numbers and colored graphs. I was concentrating on a hundred different projects at once, trying desperately to forget my failure from this morning. I still needed to draw up the final papers to contract with the Uleys and get them faxed over for Sam and Paul to sign. I engaged in a bidding war via telephone between two contractors who were both vying for rights to a project for the Cullens. I barely even found the time to call Dr. Jenks and congratulate him on the arrival of his child late last night – a son, named Seth. He promised to send me a photo as soon as he could.
I was actually surprised when Angela kindly reminded me that it was almost time for my meeting with Edward. I hoped she didn't notice my immediate blush. I thanked her and quickly turned my face to my monitor, willing my breath to slow.
I had seen Edward here and there throughout the day, but we had acknowledged each other with only slight nods, and with his ever-present smile. My body was tense, coiled, like a tight spring. It had not forgotten our talk last night, my vivid dream about him, or my cruel denial from this morning; he was present for all three, even if he was only aware of one. My thighs moved over each other on their own accord, unconsciously seeking relief. I was determined to deny that, too.
If the last four days had been a "little odd," then the last roughly eighteen hours had been completely bat-shit insane. Edward had stood near me last night, and I almost imploded into a flustered, repressed poof of smoke and hormones. Charlie had interrupted my flustered breakdown, and then he took Edward away and had left me alone, hot and hor… unsettled. Alice had once again rocked my world with honest, loving observations that tore at my already frayed seams...
But what was bothering me the most was my run. It had done nothing to numb the unwelcome feelings... and that worried me. I currently lacked the emotional distance that I usually found out in the cold night air and that I needed so badly. In fact, my running had done the exact opposite of that I intended: I had ended up looking for him, seeking him out unconsciously when I had meant to forget him, to bury him and this hold he had on me.
Then, god help me, I had dreamed. I had dreamed about him.
And I had spoken to him for essentially the first time just four days ago.
My prized resolve was leaving me, and was being replaced with emptiness. It wasn't even my welcome and sought-after numb emptiness, either; it was static and void, vacant, smooth as glass and just as transparent.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was hyper aware of him.
He was sitting across the table from me in the main conference room. We had just finalized the presentation outline for the Cullen meeting tomorrow, and had worked out a solid plan for who would say what when. I would be doing most of the talking, which was fine with me. I was pleased with our progress and was feeling confident about tomorrow. Edward's power point presentation was amazing, and he was working on updating it now with our evolving game plan. I watched as his fingers flew over the keyboard, and my cheeks immediately flared red. I brushed my bangs back and hid my eyes.
C'mon Bella… you were doing so well the entire meeting. Why are you now being turned on by computer usage?
I recognized quickly that I was giving in to my weakness, and I obediently filed the thought away and refocused. Now was not the time…
Oh, sweet. So we're back to 'acknowledge and move on.' Excellent. It worked so well yesterday.
Angela and Jessica sat in the conference room with us, taking notes and keeping a list of materials that we would need. Well… one of them was. Angela sat to my right, furiously writing, forehead lined with concentration as she listened carefully and kept up with our brainstorming. Jessica, on the other hand, sat primly to Edward's left and passed the time by brazenly staring at his profile, her pen waving lazily above her nearly blank page.
"That will do it, then." I put my pen down on the table and leaned back in my chair. I was anxious to stretch my legs. "Ten copies will be plenty, I believe."
Angela was concentrating on her notes, scribbling swiftly. I stole a glance at Edward, who was still focused on his laptop, his gentle clicks filling the silence. Jessica was focused on him.
"Jessica…" Angela's voice was timid. I immediately pictured a small white rabbit, sniffing at the air, unaware that a fox was creeping up behind her.
Angela cleared her throat and began again. "Since you already have an errand to run out of the office today, do you think maybe…" she kept her head down, her eyes glued on her writing. "I mean, after I get the materials together, of course… do you think you would be able to run to the printer and have the ten reports bound?" Her tone was gentle, apologetic… and submissive. "I am just swamped here, and since you are leaving anyway…" She trailed off. She glanced up, nervously, directly at Jessica.
"Hmm?" Jessica tore her eyes from Edward's profile and trained her cutting gaze at Angela. Her face twisted into a patronizing smile.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Angela, but I have to work on some very important projects for Mr. Newton this afternoon and will need to get back to the office as soon as possible. I'm afraid I won't have time to make any other stops." She cast a sideways glance at Edward again before looking back at Angela, that smug fucking smile still on her face. She cocked her head to the side. "Unless you… need my help, Angela? If so, I would be happy to help you complete your duties."
My nostrils flared. I saw red… uh oh. I was angry again.
For some reason, I needed to defend Angela from being steamrolled. Angela had never done anything but be a helpful, model employee for this company. She had shown me kindness here when no one else did. She was an all around decent human being who was too damn professional and too damn fearful to stand up to someone like Jessica. It wasn't fair.
"No, of course not." Angela quickly looked back down at her notepad. "I can handle it. Thanks, anyway." My hands clenched on my chair arm. I thought I saw Edward's eyes flicker upward.
"Projects for Mr. Newton, Ms. Stanley?" I unclenched my fingers and laced them together on the table in front of me. "Wow. That does sound important. More important, I wonder, than this project for the Cullen account? The largest account that this company has ever had on the line?"
She tilted her head to the side, now staring at me with narrowed eyes.
"I don't understand what you mean, Ms. Swan." She then decided to dish me up a helping of the same patronizing smile she had just served to Angela.
Oh, no. I smiled at her with plastic lips. That shit doesn't fly with me, dear.
"I wasn't aware that you were working exclusively for Mr. Newton now, Ms. Stanley. That must be the case, since his work seems to be your priority." I spoke calmly and smoothly. Angela was peering at me now from behind her black glasses. Edward's hands had stopped moving, and I could feel his eyes on my face.
"Oh, I'm not exclusively dedicated to Mike, Ms. Swan." Jessica crossed her legs and stared at me boldly, her thin eyebrows arching high and haughty. "But he has just been very busy lately, and I've been assisting him with his workload. To my understanding, certain consultants have been very distracted this past week and he's really had to pick up some slack."
That smug fucking smile again.
Thank you, Jessica. I grew calmer.
"I can sympathize with Mr. Newton completely." My voice was lace and steel. "A heavy workload is stressful. Which is why I think Ms. Weber should probably concentrate on the responsibilities assigned to her by the CEO, and you can complete the tasks that are assigned to you. By me. Does that make sense, Ms. Stanley? Unless you would like to explain to Charles Swan why Michael Newton's assignments are so much more important than efforts for the Cullen account." I kept my head still, watching her smile waiver, then droop, then twist.
"Or, if you are simply too busy, I would be happy to explain your new work arrangements to him on your behalf."
The silence was almost painful.
"Unless, of course," I continued, "I'm mistaken about your priorities. In that case, you will be more than happy to take care of binding those ten reports before you tackle those imperative projects for Mr. Newton today."
Jessica's smile was now a red grimace; a crayon drawing on her tan face of what a grin might look like to a child.
"And I'll have those reports on my desk by five o'clock today. Please," I added.
The air was jagged. Jessica's spine was rod-straight, and her nails looked like red talons as she clutched her pen with white knuckles. I had a brief, wild thought that she might fly over across the table and punch me in the mouth.
She didn't.
"Thank you, Ms. Stanley, I appreciate your assistance this afternoon, and I'm glad we straightened some things out." I looked down at my paperwork. My dismissal was obvious. "That will be all for now."
Jessica wasted no time. She grabbed her notepad, roughly shoved her chair back, and stormed out of the room, both her blonde hair and ample ass bouncing.
Angela gathered her papers slowly. She cleared her throat once more, but I kept my eyes on my own notes in front of me. As she stood, she leaned closer to me and softly said, "Thank you, Ms. Swan."
I didn't look up. "You're welcome, Ms. Weber," I responded quietly. "Thank you for your help today, and every day."
She left the room with the gentle click of the door, leaving Edward and I alone. His fingers had stopped moving over the keys, the gentle taps now glaringly absent in the quiet room. I felt his eyes.
The quiet was deafening.
I was immediately bashful. Edward, please meet Professional Bitch. Professional Bitch, Edward Masen. I tried to avoid his stare by suddenly being very interested in the margins of my notepad. He finally broke the silence.
"Please remind me to do everything you ever ask of me, without question."
I couldn't read his face, or interpret his tone. As usual, his thoughts were a mystery to me.
My dream came crashing uninvited into my mind: cold air and warm breath, wet fabric and hard hips and overheated, willing flesh... I was horrified to note that my nipples had perked up; they apparently wanted to join the conversation, too.
My body responded with the blush that I had denied giving to Jessica.
Oh Jesus… Not now!
"Oh, that was just... I only…" I struggled to find the words to explain myself. I knew I absolutely shouldn't be embarrassed by my assertiveness, for defending Angela, for putting Jessica in her place… but here I sat, red and flummoxed. Unprofessional Isabella, the only side of me that Edward knew.
Something occurred to me then, as I sat across from him, blushing and floundering for words. I had seen Jessica and Edward talking before… many times, in fact. He never passed by her desk without giving her smile and a wave. She always stood so close to him, always touching him on his shoulder, his elbow, even his neck once…
Jessica was undeniably beautiful, and lively, and lord knew that she had an... active social life…
What if…
What if she and Edward… were involved somehow?
The thought hit me like a sledgehammer. He couldn't want her… right?
But it was too late; the notion had invaded me now, corkscrewing into my brain and clenching my lungs tightly with firm fists.
Why wouldn't they be, Bella? They were both young and gorgeous, and saw each other everyday… It made sense, really…
And I all of the sudden felt so incredibly stupid for letting myself get this far… the smiles and the feelings and the stupid dream, and sitting her in miserable silence…
"…it was nice of you." Edward's words interrupted my racing thoughts.
"What?" My head felt slow, heavy. I was picturing Edward touching Jessica on her plump ass, and was feeling a little nauseous.
"What you did for Angela just then. It was nice. She's a really good person, but so insecure. She needed help, and you helped her." His voice tugged at the knots of doubt that were now tied tightly in my chest, but they would not be loosened.
I nodded. Again with the nodding.
"Oh, thank you. I just… Ms. Weber has a tough time standing up for herself."
"Yes, and Jessica definitely does not have that problem." His statement hinted at familiarity, and I swallowed hard. He closed his laptop with a snap. "I just hope that someday you're on my side in a fight. I wouldn't want to cross you."
My brain clicked out an answer instantaneously.
"Of course I'm on your side," I replied immediately.
My face flamed. "My stupid, unfiltered mouth. "I mean, I'd be on your side," I furthered. "In a fight."
Bella, he was being rhetorical.
"Though I don't think I'd be much help in a street fight. I have..um… little hands."
Oh god. Please, an earthquake strike right now, anything to shut me up.
"Oh." His face was deadpan, voice sincere. The syllable hung in the air, and I wanted to die. "Well…" He watched my silent humiliation. "I hope there won't be any fisticuffs tomorrow."
Oh god, he's humoring me. I'm acknowledging my utter disgrace and moving along to kill myself.
I couldn't see his face. I was staring at my notes like they were about to get up and start dancing. Could I have made this any more awkward?
When I finally looked up… his crooked grin was amused and honest. His electricity buzzed, soothing my embarrassment and lifting the hair on the back of my neck. Shame was replaced by calm, and I was once again frustrated by what he made me… do. The confusing responses he elicited from me.
He picked up his laptop and turned to leave, but stopped and looked at me once more. "But if things go terribly wrong, and a fight does erupt… I still wouldn't count you out," he kidded gently. "I bet those hands are more than capable of handling yourself."
This morning's activities immediately leapt into my brain. I stifled a strangled sound in the back of my throat.
He smiled once more, and the millisecond the door clicked I pressed my face into my palms, hiding scarlet cheeks.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
At five o'clock on the dot, I was startled from my work by a loud thump on the corner of my desk.
I look up and took in the sight of a stack of neatly bound reports, and of Jessica's backside retreating from my desk. I thought I detected a little less saunter in her stride than normal.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I thought about it as I ran. For the first time, I was almost grateful for the loss of numbness because now I could fully feel the punishment for my stupid dream and my ridiculous behavior with Edward. My thoughts screamed in my head, and I reveled in the confusion, the disconcerting nagging, the aches. I ran until it hurt… and then kept going. I only stopped when my left knee buckled and I thought for a moment I was going to hit the ground.
When I felt like I had properly atoned, I limped home and began preparing for my meeting tomorrow.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Friday.
The main office of Cullen Corp looked surprisingly… innocuous. It was an older building, with red brick walls and tall trees hiding the structure's true size. Colorful flowers lined the walkway and let me to the wide glass doors. It actually reminded me more of a large private home than the main headquarters of an internationally traded corporation.
I was early, of course. Edward was no where to be seen, which was good. It gave me a moment to stand silently and collect my thoughts.
I was not visited by any dreams last night. However, I had still woken this morning curled in a tense ball under my comforter, as if I had spent my night hours anticipating a blow. My nights had been dreamless for so long now, my nights blank… and now, all of the sudden, I had been visited by color and smells and fantasy? I was beyond frustrated by my lack of control. It had taken me sixteen years to come to terms with… certain truths, and then seven years to learn how to live this way… and all it took was five days to make my carefully constructed life unravel.
But this morning… this was different. I was different. There were no nerves to quell, no need for a mental pep-talk. I felt steadier than I had since Monday morning, when I had stared at my reflection in the elevator door. When I had no idea what was coming.
I might not know how to smile, or cry, or interact socially… but I knew how to close a deal, and I knew how to sell myself as a commodity. I knew what I needed to do.
I was ready for this.
Alice, bless her, had done her part. I looked like I deserved a high-power contract. Jesus, I'd better. I had nearly puked when I saw the price tag for this one suit. This one navy blue, fits-me-like-a-glove, Armani suit.
The day that I bought it, the salesperson who had rung it up for me had stood there patiently as I flailed my arms like a windmill and sputtered excuses at Alice as to why this suit was a completely unnecessary expense and would put me in debt for the next few weeks. The little devil had watched, and nodded, and waited until just the right movement to dart in and pluck my American Express right out of my clenched fingers and slide it to the sales associate.
"She's new at this." Alice had said. They'd both rolled their eyes as she ran my card, damn near maxing me out. I had tried not to pass out.
Focus, Swan.
I took a deep, even breath and firmly grabbed the handle to the front door.
Let's do this.
The inside of the building was nothing like the outside. This space was modern, open and luxurious, smooth and peach-toned and polished. The ceiling was expansive, and the walls covered in vibrant artwork. It was comfortable in here.
My leather pumps clicked hollowly on the marble floor. The man at the reception desk had already risen to meet me.
"Ms. Swan?" I smiled at him and nodded in the affirmative.
"Welcome. My name is Laurent. Please, let me take those for you." He quickly came from around the desk and I gratefully unloaded the reports into his arms. "I will make sure that these are ready for you in the meeting room." He gestured to a plush beige couch along the left wall. "Please wait here, Miss Hale will be with you momentarily."
He took a few steps away from me, but almost immediately turned back. His phone was already ringing, and I could see his earpiece blinking red.
"Would you care for some coffee or something else to drink, Ms. Swan?" he asked graciously.
The offer for something besides coffee actually sounded great, as I hadn't had an opportunity to drink my daily tea due to Alice's whirlwind efforts this morning to dress me like Corporate Barbie. However, I saw that he was both extremely busy and precariously balancing the reports in both hands, and decided that I didn't want to bother him with another task.
"Oh, no, I couldn't drink a thing right now. But thank you very much for the offer." He disappeared down the hallway, his long hair swinging.
I'll just go grab something later.I sat down on the couch and glanced down at my iPhone. I was still about ten minutes early. I might have time to run through the presentation again…
"I hope you didn't mean that."
My breath whooshed out of my chest. The voice was deep and soft, like crushed velvet. My hand fluttered to my throat, pales doves finding perch along my collarbone.
Edward was standing above me, framed by the golden morning sun streaming through the windows. He was smiling down at me and looking incredible. His suit was striped black on black, tailored to fit his long lines. His shoes were polished, his goddamn hair impossible and haloed above him.
It's copper in morning light. Not bronze. Gold, even.
He looked fresh and collected. And warm. And delicious.
I stared up at him, unable to draw breath. I had no idea how such a specimen was allowed to walk amongst regular people, like me… how he was in this lobby and not in a magazine, or perhaps in a painting. He was breathing and blinking and here, with me… and why was I here, again?
Oh yes. Biggest client of my life. Right.
While I stared and my brain sputtered and died, Edward remained silent, smiling and beautiful and untouchable.
As the wheels in my head began to creak forward again, I slowly registered that he was holding something. Two things, actually. In his hands, he had not one, but two beverage cups… and one had two tea bag labels hanging limply from underneath the white lid.
Dumbly, I shifted my focus from the cups to his face. He was still smiling, but now his eyebrows were slightly raised. I just kept sitting, staring a him like a doe must stare at a hunter, wide and wary. He waited. Then, as if to clarify, he pulled his right hand closer to his body and extended the other towards me. The intention was now plain.
It was for me.
I was caught completely off-guard. This gesture was unexpected and... confusing. Foreign. I reached out and gently took the cup from his outstretched hand… and the tip of my index finger lightly brushed the back on his thumb.
I was not prepared.
The nerves in my fingertip flared at the contact, throwing sparks of russet and emerald green and black oynx through my vision. A hairline fissure of heat raced from my digit down my arm, skittered across my shoulder, up my neck and exploded in my brain like fireworks. I stiffened and snapped to attention. My chest heaved once, and I ground my teeth together to hold captive the whimper that was dangerously close to escaping. My thighs were immediately hot, pressed together and I shifted to once again find friction, and between them my tiny, lace panties were immediately damp.
Because of his thumb.
I heard him draw a short breath sharply through his nose, but that was all. Not much of an indication of what I had just experienced, which was near reenactment of a scene from some executive porno.
From feeling a square centimeter of his skin brush lightly against mine.
I was mortified. This was not acceptable right now.
And here I go again, with the berating and unbidden feelings. I was hopeless.
But you're not hopeless here. You're Isabella Fucking Swan, and you're about to seal the deal with the biggest client of your life. Stop being such an idiot and start concentrating on the situation at hand. NOW.
I gripped the warm cup in both hands. I willed my breath to stay even as I looked hard at the lid before my gaze traveled back up to find his waiting eyes, dynamic and receptive. They always seemed to be waiting for me.
"I thought you might want your tea, but I heard what you just told him..." he explained. I was shocked when I realized that Edward actually looked slightly awkward. Why?
Oh crap. I had yet to actually say anything out loud.
"Thank you." I whispered, the two words rushing together. I didn't trust my voice to stay steady if I spoke at normal volume.
Edward's broad shoulders settled as he sat next to me, unaware of the three-ring circus going on inside my head.
Again, I was unprepared.
The minute he sat, his long legs settling just inches from mine… the screaming in my brain stopped.
It just… it stopped.
I sat in blissful mental silence. The thoughts, the doubts, the confusion… they were all still there, but they simmering, muted, contained. His proximity to me closer than he had ever been, but instead of exploding, erupting like Mount Vesuvius… I was… soothed.
Of course I am. I almost laughed, a hysterical giggle vibrating on my lips. Why wouldn't I have another reaction that I don't understand? Why wouldn't he make me feel something that I wasn't expecting?
My life had become one big surprise, one confusing moment after another… each more shocking and life-shaking than the next. Par for the course now, really.
I was aware of every movement Edward made. The smoothing of his palm over his pant leg. The rustle of his black tie against the crisp grey shirt. The gentle thud of the pulse in his neck, lying directly below blue veins that mapped his throat.
My own heart thumped loudly in my ears as I fingered the label poking out from the lid of the warm cup - I hadn't even read them yet. Earl Grey, two bags.
I looked at him sideways. He was looking around the lobby, his profile illuminated by the morning light reflecting off the shiny floor. He was smiling to himself. I took the minute to study him, unnoticed. The gentle slope of his nose. The pillowy curve of his lower lip, which I now saw protruded out just slightly farther than his upper lip. I was transfixed by his jaw, which was freshly shaven and smooth and I wondered if it would taste like aftershave on my tongue. I filed it all away.
I had to ask.
"How did you know?"
Edward looked at the floor, his crooked smile nearly killing me, his hand tormenting both his hair and me. He shrugged. "I didn't, really. I was getting something for myself, and I thought you might want a drink. I took the chance that you might have already gotten yourself something…" But that wasn't what I meant.
"No." I said softly. I felt his head turn toward me, and I blushed but pressed on. "I meant… how did you know about… this?" I held up the tea labels with my thumb and forefinger.
He shook his head, looking down at his own coffee. For a moment, I thought that maybe I wasn't the only one struggling for words.
"You drink two cups of Earl grey tea every morning, with two tea bags in each." He nodded at the cup in my trembling hand. His eyes glowed green, deep and intense, like they were lit with flickering candles. He caught my eyes once more. "I pay attention, Ms. Swan."
I wasn't surprised by the electricity that I felt. It was expected, even becoming familiar… and I didn't look away. I stayed with him, frozen and melting at the same time. For the first time our stares were steady, our smiles relaxed. Instead of chaos, I found myself wrapped up, calm and solid… and I found my brain oddly silent…
"Are you ready for this?" he asked.
He made me forget to pretend, to edit myself. "I'm more than ready," I said. His smile went crooked, and I suddenly felt good. Really good. Alive and humming and strong.
"Ms. Swan, Mr. Masen. Good morning!" A gorgeous young blonde woman was approaching us, her arm extended. She was gorgeous and chic-looking, sporting a pink designer suit and perfectly kempt eyebrows. Diamonds dangled from her wrist and dripped from her ears, and her nails were French-tipped and immaculate. She was a daunting mix of feminine and ferocious. I liked her.
"I'm Rosalie Hale, the Cullens' personal assistant. Thank you so much for coming to see us this morning!"
Edward and I both stood and shook her hand. "Thank you for having us, Ms. Hale. We've very happy to be here."
"Call me Rosalie, please." She gestured to the hallway behind her. "Carlisle and Esme are ready to see you in the conference room. If you'll follow me?"
Finally, as I knew it would, I felt the slightest tingle of nerves form in my chest.
I immediately looked to Edward.
He was watching me, motionless, calmly waiting for me to move. I became aware of the heat in my hand from the tea, and my body remembered the spark between us, the explosion of him that I had felt in my head and lungs and lower when our skin touched for the first time.
And as quickly as it came… the fear was gone. In the stillness of those few seconds, I found determination in Edward's quiet existence. I tried not to think about it too deeply.
I nodded to him briskly. He nodded back. In unison, we turned and walked down the hall.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Well."
Carlisle Cullen slowly closed the report and leaned back in his chair. He crossed his arms across his willowy chest and looked over at his wife, Esme. She was carefully studying the drawings that Jasper had created, tracing the pictures with her slender fingers just as I had done with Edward two days before.
I sat patiently, hands neatly folded on the table, and allowed them to absorb and process the information that we had just presented to them. Edward returned to his seat next to me, having just clicked the last power point slide in the presentation.
Edward and I had spent the last two hours presenting to the Cullens our goals and presentations for their construction division expansion. Though the plan was originally to have Edward stick to IT information and me discuss everything else, the meeting had quickly taken on a life of its own. He and I naturally picked up on the other's thoughts and points, and the presentation flowed with high energy and without hesitation.
Carlisle and Esme Cullen both struck me as extremely intelligent and savvy business owners. They were attentive to detail and asked us thoughtful questions. Edward and I fielded each query one by one; he even expanded on some points more efficiently than I might have been able to, which was no small feat.
I literally could not have envisioned the meeting going better. I was thrilled, but remained cool and stoic.
"Esme? Do you have any questions?"
Esme looked up at me and smiled delicately. She looked to be in her fifties, and she was still stunning. Fit, with long auburn hair and hazel eyes. She was lovely, immaculately put-together, elegant.
"Ms. Swan," she asked in her lilting voice, "these advertising drawings are outstanding. Who is this again?"
"Jasper Whitlock, Mrs. Cullen. He's one of the finest up-and-coming graphic artists in Seattle. We specifically commissioned him for this project." I made a mental note to hug Jasper extra hard the next time I saw him.
She looked back down at the page. "Extraordinary. It's exactly what we envisioned."
Carlisle nodded. "I agree. Quite frankly, it's all exactly what we pictured." He and Esme shared a look, a small smirk played on her lips. They held each other's eyes, trading secret smiles, willing the other to speak. I was struck by the playfulness in this interaction, and by their undeniable chemistry, even in the middle of a business negotiation. It was refreshing.
Finally, Carlisle spoke.
"Well, Esme, if I do say so myself, I think we did an excellent job." His blue eyes twinkled. Mischievously, I noted.
She narrowed her eyes, but smiled at him. "After that amazing presentation, you think we deserve kudos? Whatever for?"
Carlisle's blue eyes twinkled. "For hand-selecting such talented representatives with whom to work."
Carlisle was lean and handsome, stately. He still had the buoyancy and charisma of a younger man, but the deep laugh lines etching his face and the white hair playing at his temples gave hints at his true age. He placed his hands on the table, and I leaned forward slightly.
"Ms. Swan, Mr. Masen…" He cleared his throat. "We thank you for your time today. We gave you very little time to prepare for this meeting – and I admit, that was on purpose. We wanted to see what you could do under pressure and on a deadline." He picked up the report and flipped through it again, thoughtfully. His pause was pregnant and agonizing. Carlisle shot another look at Esme, who nodded slightly.
He continued, "And I think I speak for Esme when I say that you both met and surpassed our expectations. We are extremely impressed with what you have brought us today."
I silently exhaled the breath I had been holding prisoner in my lungs.
Fuck yes.
I smiled broadly and looked from him to Esme; she was beaming and nodding. "Well, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen," I said cordially, "it was truly our pleasure to come here today and talk with you."
Carlisle stood, and we took that as a cue that the meeting was now officially over. I rose and grasped his extended hand, and he clasped it warmly in both of his. "Please, both of you call me Carlisle."
I was suddenly overwhelmed by the situation. I was pleased by how well this meeting had gone. Mr. and Mrs. Cullen had been warm and friendly, receptive and gracious. But also, I was pleasantly shocked by how effortlessly Edward and I had worked together, easy and without hesitation. In that moment, I felt…
… I felt happy.
"Only if you call me Bella, Carlisle." I said with confidence. He laughed and nodded, with what I hoped was amusement on his face. I took Esme's small hand in mine.
"And of course, I'm Esme. To both of you." She tried to sound stern, but her sweet grin gave her away.
"Well, it's Edward for me, too, please." Edward smiled, and the room lit up for me.
He couldn't be Edward for me, but it was nice to hear, and pretend.
"Again, thank you both so much for coming. We have a lot to talk about… and of course Esme and I need to have a private conversation, discuss some things…"
We had reached the lobby. Laurent was sitting at his desk, speaking quietly to a delivery person. Carlisle and Esme stopped at the desk, and I watched with delight as he quietly took her hand. "But if I may be so bold, Bella, I think I can confidently say that we will be contacting you very soon."
My stomach flipped over, but I smiled coolly. "Please, take your time and feel free to call us with any further questions you might have."
But fuck me I hope you call soon.
We said our goodbyes and Edward and I turned and exited into the unseasonably warm Seattle day. For a few moments, we walked in silence, absorbing the sunlight and the enormity of what we might or might not have just pulled off.
I was buzzing again, from the meeting and the electrical current Edward constantly seemed to emit… and my skin craved more of both. I could have skipped. I fought the irrational urge to run, to grab Edward's hand in mine and pull him away, anywhere…
You are acting like a child, I scolded myself. You're a professional and you had an amazing meeting. You did your job. Grow up.
But I couldn't seem to help it. The feeling of giddiness that I felt back in the office was sustaining, spreading throughout my limbs. My mind normally fought these feelings, pushing them away, told myself to focus on the next step… but my heart cried out for more. I felt like I was starving, and I hadn't realized it until right this very second.
I shot Edward a look out of the corner of my eye. He was already looking at me sideways, grinning from ear to ear.
"You were incredible," he said softly. We walked toward the parking lot, and despite the heat my face lit up, bright and hot.
"We were incredible," I said truthfully. We had reached his car. I was high off adrenaline. I felt invincible, reckless. I turned and looked up at him full in the face.
He is so tall… I almost giggled. I don't think I've ever actually stood next to him before.
"I don't think I could have done that without you." The words were out of my mouth before I could swallow them back down. My high was rocked slightly at my confession – but I knew that I truly believed it. The meeting wouldn't have been such a success if he hadn't been a part of it. "I needed you here."
Edward shook his head. "You absolutely could have." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his key. "I'm grateful that I was there to see you work your magic."
The spell had been broken. Reality was seeping in, making my face cold and weak, in direct opposition to the warm sunlight.
Did I just admit that I needed him?
Yet again, I was frustrated by my lack of discipline. I sound pathetic.
I needed to salvage what dignity I had left. I stood rigid and desperately willed the wall go up between us… something to stop this, whatever it was…
"Well." My tone was different, even to my own ears. Edward's smile faltered slightly. He tilted his head as he looked down at me, taking in my changed posture. My heart sank. My hand twitched, and I pressed it flat against my thigh. "I will see you back at the office, Mr. Masen." I turned from his questioning eyes and briskly walked to my car, forcing my steps to stay steady and not break into a sprint.
Just shut up, Bella. I fumbled slightly with the key, because my hands were shaking. You're hopeless. Accept it. You'll never be normal, or casual, or fun. You can't talk to him like that. You just can't.
As I started my car, Edward's Volvo was already pulling away from the parking lot. I watched him as he drove away, around the corner and out of my sight.
The meeting today? That's what you do. That is the only happiness that you know, that you can understand.
The air left my lungs in a rush, deafening in the confines of my car. I closed my eyes.
You can never have Edward Masen because you're a mess and you can't feel and all you know how to do is work and be miserable. That's reality, Isabella. Deal with it.
I started my car and drove.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
By the time I made it back to the office, I was focused again. I had sufficiently beat myself up for feeling so great about the meeting, telling myself that my self-satisfaction was childish and I shouldn't congratulate myself for something that was part of my job. Good to be reminded.
I made a beeline for my desk. Edward was already back, sitting and talking with Emmett. I forced myself look away. However, before I could make it to my corner, Angela waved at me excitedly.
"Ms. Swan!" Her whisper was urgent. "Mr. Carlisle Cullen is on the line for you!"
My steps faltered only slightly. I briskly nodded to Angela, because I was afraid if I opened my mouth, I might squeak.
That was… fast.
Like a jury only deliberating for ten minutes before rendering a verdict. Historically, not a good situation for the defendant.
"Bella! Carlisle Cullen."
"Hello, Carlisle. It's good to hear from you so soon!" I looked out the window. Seattle shimmered, blue and grey and green.
"Well, the truth is that we needed very little time to make our decision."
Okaaaay…
"I just got off the phone with Mr. Swan, and we told him to go ahead and draw up the contract for you to handle this expansion for us. We think that you and Edward are the very best people for the job, and we would love to work with you both."
I struggled to keep my breathing even.
"Mr. Cul… Carlisle. That is wonderful news." I pressed the receiver into my ear. My hand shook only slightly. "On behalf of Swan Consulting, I thank you for this opportunity and look forward to working with the Cullen Corporation."
"Oh, Swan Consulting as an entity had something to do with it… but truthfully, our decision was based mostly on you, Bella. Esme and I couldn't think of a better, more capable person for this job."
His words cut straight through me. I had just found out that I had landed the most sought-after client that Swan Consulting had ever worked with, a client that officially made me the highest earner in the company and would give me a huge signing bonus and a significant salary increase… and despite all of that, it was Carlisle's praise that hit me the hardest. I wasn't used to someone recognizing my work, let alone trying to make me feel good. I realized with some embarrassment that I was… deeply touched.
Jesus Bella. Compose yourself.
"That is incredibly generous of you, sir. I sincerely hope I can live up to your kind words." I feared my face betrayed my thoughts. I looked down.
"Oh I have no doubt that you will. Now, we'd like to get started on implementing the plans that we had discussed today as soon as possible. I'm sure we will stay in close contact over the next few months, but I would also like to schedule bi-weekly meetings..."
We spoke for the next few minutes, scheduling meetings and discussing logistics. I felt a flash of panic: my work calendar was looking absolutely insane. I was trying not to think about how I was going to balance the Cullen account with all of my established clients, my consultation meetings… I would undoubtedly get it all done, but it would take some work.
I just have to work harder. Focus. I could do that.
When we had worked out our meeting and project due dates for the next three months, Carlisle cleared his throat. "Bella, there is something else I wanted to mention to you." I waited.
"As you know, this project that we are working on right now is just the expansion of our construction division," he started. "However, that's just the beginning. Esme and I are planning similar expansions in all areas of our company. Major changes. We're interested in becoming involved in the fields of pharmaceuticals, satellite communications, real estate… for starters. Our online capabilities will be a major focus, and our various philanthropic endeavors are all going to have a major over-haul. In the next five years, Bella, Cullen Corp is looking to expand ten-fold."
My mind was reeling. "Carlisle, that's… incredible." The entire corporation? Oh my god. Cullen Corp was already one of the largest companies in the state of Washington. If they expanded their business ventures further, and they wanted Swan Consulting to be a part of it… if they wanted me to be a part of it… this would be big. Huge. Bigger than I had ever imaged.
"Now Bella, Esme and I have a very specific game plan in mind. We don't want to hire some old stuffy man with ample business experience and of pre-conceived notions about how our company should be run. We want someone young and vibrant, someone capable and clever… who would learn and expand right along with the company. We have discussed it at length… and we are already positive that you are exactly the kind of person that we would want to do this with us."
This conversation had become surreal. My mind leapt ahead six months. How could I do it? How could I find time for all of that? Would I need to bring other consultants in? My stomach turned at the thought of having to ask Mike Newton to assist me in managing the Cullen account.
Carlisle seemed to read my mind. "We realize what a time commitment that would be. It would definitely be a full-time job; hell, more than full-time, we expect." His laugh was good-natured,.. and I also thought a bit nervous, perhaps deliberately non-threatening.
"In this economy, Esme and I could easily go out and interview a hundred highly qualified managers and find someone who would be more than adequate… but who would not be nearly as uniquely suited for this situation as you are. And Bella, please forgive me for my boldness, but Esme and I feel strongly enough about this to go ahead and broach the subject with you today."
My hands were stiff over my keyboard. I stared out the window, not seeing the city but rather my own reflection in the window. She looked stunned.
"I realize what a delicate subject this is. Please understand that we would never try to 'steal you away' or try some covert corporate coup… especially given the fact that you are currently working in your family business, with your father. We know how important family is and we would completely understand if your long-term plans are fully committed to working at Swan Consulting for your entire career."
What the hell is he saying?
"Make no mistake about it," he continued, "if, when this project is over, you end up only managing the construction division expansion with us, Cullen Corp would be honored to have worked with you and never think twice about it."
My mind began to slowly focus… began to really understand what he was saying to me.
Carlisle continued, "And we first need for you to meet with our Board of Trustees, so they can size you up and see the amazing progress that I am confident that you will be making on this first project. So please be assured that we are not formally offering you a position... yet."
It occurred to me that I was breathing way too loudly, so I held the air in my lungs.
"Oh my." Carlisle laughed, seemingly at himself. "I have gone on, haven't I? Let's cut to the chase, Bella. What I am asking is: if this project goes well for both of us, and when we eventually get the green light to begin our major expansion…would you be open to the possibility of a more… formal relationship with Cullen Corporation? Permanent and full-time? Please, for god sake, feel free to say no, or to tell me to go kick rocks." His tone was sincere. He finally stopped talking, leaving me in a chaotic silence that bounced around in my head wildly.
I was at an utter loss for words.
It was ridiculous, of course. The whole topic. Carlisle Cullen intended on offering me a job working for the Cullen Corp. I couldn't go work for him. I had a job to which I had dedicated my entire life for the past three years. It was my family business. I was good at my job, and I couldn't just walk away from it. Out of the question. Shit. Shit. I would have to let him down easy. I mean, this client was my whole life right now. Going to work for another company… deviating from the carefully laid plans that I had worked for so intensely for what felt like my whole life…
"Yes."
Wait… what?
It was like I was watching myself through thick glass.
"Yes, I would be open to that discussion."
My voice was muffled, not my own. But it was me, it was my own voice… and I understood what I was saying.
"Say no more, Bella. We have plenty of time to visit this again, and I want to quit while I am ahead." Carlisle sounded pleased and completely oblivious to the silent turmoil happening on my side of the phone. "Esme and I couldn't be happier with how all of this turned out. Thank you again for your time today. I will see you in a few weeks for our first progress meeting. Goodbye."
I set the phone down and stared out the window. The city below me breathed and moved. I felt like I was sitting in a clean, white haze: still, quiet, solitary. Frozen. I was shocked. I was scared. I had no idea what I had just done… I didn't even hear the chirp of my Outlook alerting me that I had an email.
"Ms. Swan!" I jumped slightly in my seat, startled. Angela stood in front of me. Her hands were twisting together and her voice was still in that urgent, excited whisper.
"Ms. Swan," she repeated. "You got it!"
I slowly became aware of my surroundings. A wave of déjà vu hit me; I had sat in this exact same spotlight just five days ago.
Without moving my head, I swept my eyes around the room. Some people were speaking excitedly to one another, others were leaning close and talking in low voices.
The one common thread: everyone was staring directly at me.
Well, all except two people in particular. Mike was staring at his computer in silence, his eyes narrow and hard. Jessica was also looking at her monitor, but her expression was incredulous, unbelieving.
My hand immediately flew to my forehead, nervously sweeping away my bangs. "How did you know?" I whispered back to her.
"We all just got the email about the new client."
I glanced at the closed door to the CEO's office. His company officially lands their biggest client ever, and he sent out a mass email. I'll hold my breath for my 'atta-girl.'
I briskly pushed aside the dull ache, not giving it time to settle and become real and effecting.
"Ms. Swan, congratulations! This is incredible news!" Angela's genuine excitement penetrated my haze.
"Yes, we did. We got the Cullens." I took a deep breath. My mouth twitched. "We got it." I felt a swell of pride.
I did it. We did it. Edward and me.
Edward.
My eyes immediately searched for him. He wasn't sitting at his desk. I continued to seek stupidly, because for some reason I needed to know where he was. I found him in the back corner of the office, standing with Emmett and a small group of people. Emmett was clapping him on the back jovially, voice booming and gesturing wildly with his tree branch-like arms. Edward was leaning backward against a desk, his hand launching an enthusiastic assault on his hair.
I was not surprised to find that he was watching me.
The rest of the room faded away. The stares, the voices, the tension… the Cullens, the Swans, work and demands, choking stress and confusing propositions…
In that moment, all I saw was emeralds.
I felt every individual beat in my chest. I was surrounded by him.
"Ms. Swan." Angela's was tentative, shy. "Would you… would you like to come to the bar with us tonight? You might already know… we all go every Friday. You're always more than welcome to come with us, but tonight we're going to celebrate!" She smiled at me, sweet and heartfelt.
I felt like I'd been doused with cold water.
"Oh." She had caught me off-guard. My fingers twisted together. "Ms. Weber, I…"
Yes, Angela. I would love that. A drink sounds great.
But my lips wouldn't move. Couldn't move. I had experienced enough emotional mayhem today… I couldn't do something as reckless as casual socializing. So much was changing, could change. The position I was in now… too much was at stake.
"Thank you so much for the offer, but…" I shook my head slightly. "I can't. I don't think it would be a good idea."
I felt awful. I felt empty, devoid of the happiness I felt a moment ago. I smiled at her lamely, because it was the only thing I could offer her.
"Oh, okay. I was hoping… never mind. Of course." Angela fidgeted with the hem of her sweater. "Congratulations again, Ms. Swan. You truly deserve this." Her gaze met mine, sincere and firm. "I'm going to be a little late getting there tonight, but I will definitely be there, just in case you change your mind." She gave me a small smile before she turned and walked away from me.
My stomach clenched miserably. Angela was so kind to me, but I didn't know how to accept it. I knew how to sell myself to a multi-million dollar company, but I didn't know how to be friendly with my co-workers. I didn't even know how to fucking be me anymore.
And five days ago I wouldn't have cared.
My phone rang; it was my private line. I almost let it go, but at the last ring I picked up it. I needed the distraction. "Isabella Swan."
"Bella?" Alice's voice tended to raise an entire octave when she was excited. "I was hoping you'd be back!" She paused. I said nothing. "Well? How did it go?"
She was a goddamn psychic.
"Alice…" I glance around the room surreptitiously. Luckily, I wasn't the most interesting thing in the room anymore… at least not to look at. Everyone seemed to be up and visiting someone else's desk, whispering, discussing. The only person who seemed to still think I was visually interesting was Mike, who was now glaring at me. I ducked my head.
"Alice… They contracted with me. I got it."
I held the phone away from my ear to avoid permanent damage. "Bella! Oh my god, I knew it. I am so proud of you!" She made me smile, despite the regret that was gnawing at my stomach. "We have to go celebrate. Tonight. No excuses."
"Ali… I have a lot of work to do." She groaned. I traced the wood grain on my desk with my finger. "Plus, I already turned down Angela's invitation to go get a drink..."
Silence.
Uh oh.
I pressed the receiver to my ear and glanced out the window, futilely hoping that she would leave it alone, allow me to exult and suffer in silence.
"Tell her you're coming." Her voice was a normal timbre now, and had taken on that scary, decisive, this-is-the-deal voice.
"What? Ali, I cannot do that."
"Why not?"
I had no answer, at least not one I could put into words. I couldn't vocalize my panic, my confusion, my irrational fear that a bar could somehow be my undoing.
"Yes you can," she said simply. "Go tell Angela that you will meet them at the bar."
My face grew hot. I was trapped, but I wasn't going down without a fight. "I'm wearing my Armani … so I can't go." Lame.
"I'll meet you there and bring you a change of clothes. 5:30pm. Bye, Bells." The line went dead.
Shit.
Sitting in that warm, sunny lobby this morning, I had felt confident and strong. Sitting at my own empty desk, I felt completely and utterly inept. This was so much easier when I wasn't feeling anything... Now, I was sweating and fretting like a teenager who was about to ask the pretty girl for an uncomfortable, arms-length slow-dance.
I am being absurd. I am a grown, professional woman. I can have one drink with my best friend and co-workers. And I can stop being such a pussy and go tell Angela I'm coming.
I was walking toward her desk before I could either convince myself not to, or jump out the window. I kept my eyes trained on Angela, who was now chatting with Emmett. I didn't see Edward until I was already there. He was casually leaning against Angela's counter, completely blocked by Emmett's girth. Too late to back out...
"Ms. Weber?" I stood there stiffly, feeling exposed and awkward. Emmett and Edward angled their heads toward me. All three faces registered surprised.
"Ms. Swan! Is there something I can do for you?"
"Yes. No." I cleared my throat. I was flustered and red.
They think I'm insane. Insanity manifested by indecisiveness and wild blushing.
Edward bent his head forward slightly to gain a better view from around Emmett's massive chest.
"I wanted to take you up on your offer. I will go get a drink tonight."
Angela beamed at me, but Edward's crooked smile was all I saw.
Emmett stood up straight; even in my heels, he was well over a foot taller than me and more than twice as wide. I had to look straight up at him.
"Yes! Ms. Swaaaaaan!" Emmett's grin was luminous, enormous. "I am buying you a congratulatory shot tonight. No question." He stuck his massive ham-hock of a fist out at me and held it there in mid-air. "Pound it!"
I eyed his balled-up hand, and then back up at his smiling face. He raised his eyebrows and jiggled his outstretched fist.
I reached out and tentatively bumped my smaller fist with his huge one.
Edward laughed.
Here we go.
The response you guys gave me for the last chapter was effing overwhelming. I read and respond to every single review, and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you thank you thank you.
Sincere gratitude goes out to Oxymoronic8 for recommending Disciplined Breakdownin her interview for, "The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster." I am truly honored for her attention. Do yourself a favor and go check out her story, Innocent, Vigilant, Ordinary.
There is a Twilighted thread for this story… http : //(dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=5250 (Thanks again, nicnicd!)
Also, if for some reason you wanted to, you could follow me on Twitter. My name is ahlthyaddiction. (I had to cut some vowels to fit. Weak, Twitter. Weak.)
Thank you for being here.
- ahealthyaddiction