I'm thankful for Dawnie. She's amazing, and I'm very lucky to know her.
At 5pm on the dot, damn near every Swan Consulting employee rose in a seemingly practiced unison and made a hasty beeline for the elevator doors. By 5:20pm, the only people left were me and just a few departing stragglers.
I sat there in miserable limbo, pretending to work and trying to not pull my bangs out by the roots as I swept them near-obsessively back behind my ear. I was determined to hide in this corner until the very last possible second. Like a coward, I began to formulate elaborate lies that might somehow extricate me from this situation.
I could tell Alice that something came up at work… Oh! I had it: a big client had a plumbing emergency and needed for me to come out to their office in person…
I shook my head. She will never let me get away with that. She'd hunt the client down and insist on inspecting the water damage herself. What else… Perhaps I could tell Angela that I wasn't feeling well, and have her pass the news along to my diminutive friend. When Alice came home, I could be curled up on the bathroom floor, moaning and heaving… I would happily lay in wait on cold bathroom tiles all night if it would confirm my alibi.
But shit, Angela was gone already and I didn't have her cell number. And goddamnit, she said she was going to be late, anyway…
Maybe I got lost… on the two block journey.
Maybe I stopped a mugging, and the victim insisted on buying me dinner in gratitude.
Maybe I got hit by a semi-truck transporting baby food to orphans… but I will make a miraculous recovery tomorrow.
Sigh.
Or maybe… I was a loser who agonized over getting a drink with her co-workers and was actually considering resorting to lying to her best friend to get out of it.
Fucking hell. I couldn't stall any longer.
I grabbed my purse and stood, looking around my immaculate desk one more time for a scrap of paper, a post-it, anything that would call for a little more of my attention… No such luck.
I shuffled toward the lobby like I was wading through mud. I futilely hoped for something, anything to intervene… Perhaps a bear could pop out from behind a plant and maul me badly enough so that I couldn't go socialize?
No such luck.
I heard a noise behind me, and it startled me from my pity-party. I spun around in time to see light spill out into the darkened room… followed closely by our reclusive CEO.
I stayed completely quiet as I watched my father walk a few steps into the main room and then stand, stoic and immobile, like a bronzed statue.
A memory hit me then, acrid and sharp, vibrant images coming at me fast and clogging my throat. This place looked so different in my youthful recollection: objects were blurry and huge, their edges blunted. Colors were more saturated, like they were painted with heavy brushstrokes.
It was my father from nearly twenty years ago, standing in almost the exact same spot. Charlie was younger-looking in my mind's eye: broader back and thinner waist, missing the white that now peppered his thick brown hair. He always looked so big to me… larger than life. A gentle giant, a super hero, a brave knight from a story.
My father had turned to me as I as stood in this very lobby, my curls shaking as I bounced on my toes. I'd insisted on wearing my pretty purple dress to the office, because Daddy said it made me look like a princess and I would do anything to make Daddy happy. Charlie turned and when he saw me, and a huge smile lit up his rough features… His face was so much smoother back at that time, brighter… There were no scowl lines etched into the pale surface. He laughed then, musical and light, and he opened his arms wide… I launched myself at him, and the material of his suit was rough against my cheek as he picked me up off my feet…
Charlie Swan remained still for another moment before he turned his head, eyes sweeping the empty bullpen in a slow circle. He pivoted his body, continuing his silent surveillance until he finally completed his turn… to find me standing there. His eyes met mine, and I saw them widen ever so slightly as he realized that he wasn't alone and, unfortunately, it was me with whom he was stranded.
I was no longer his princess, and he didn't smile for me anymore, yet here we stood.
"Bella." Charlie squared his shoulders, and his mustache twitched as he stated my name. I had my father's eyes - melted chocolate, bittersweet, dark and deep. I brushed my bangs back, and I saw that he watched my hand move; my father still knew my nervous tics. It made me feel vulnerable.
The silence stretched on.
"We got the Cullen account." My voice echoed off the lobby walls, hollow-sounding.
Charlie just watched me. He made no movements. His arms stayed firmly at his sides.
"I am aware."
My fists had formed tight balls in the pockets of my coat.
"I got the Cullen account," I clarified, forcing the words from between clenched teeth. This is useless. I had no specific desired outcome, no real expectations for this encounter. I knew Charlie would do nothing to soothe the ache in my chest, the dull, throbbing void that was pathetically reserved only for him… but, like a masochist, I was doing this anyway. Like I could change something about the last seven years… hell, the last twenty years, for that matter.
Charlie just stared.
"I am aware," he repeated. His voice was cool as marble, and just as hard.
What are you expecting here, Bella? For him to praise you? Shake your hand? Hug you and ruffle your hair and take you out for ice cream?
Grow up.
The floor between us might as well have been a thousand miles wide. Our postures were mirrored, tense and stiff, as we silently willed the other to move first.
Stop it, Isabella. He's just my boss, and he doesn't owe me a fucking kudo… and I don't need one.
It was an exercise in futility, and I was ashamed I'd said anything at all. I'd heard enough.
"Goodnight, Mr. Swan," I said softly. I turned and entered the elevator, not needing to hear anything else.
The silver doors slid shut.
Once I was outside, I pulled my coat tighter around me. I shook my head, as if I could physically dislodge memories that I would rather not still have at all. I heaved a great sigh and shot a hesitant look down the street, in the direction of the bar. The encounter with Charlie had done nothing to calm my nerves, and I still had to go face "fun" in the form of a stupid bar and public humiliation. Shit.
There's got to be something I can do to make this less excruciating…
I smiled. Of course. I dialed.
Jasper told me that he was "positively delighted" to hear from me. He honestly used those words, and I immediately felt a little better. Jasper's stream-of-consciousness thoughts flowed from his mouth freely, like a softly rushing river: in the same breath, he told me in a thoughtful tone how he could meet me in five minutes, that he was sort of in the mood for a cheese steak, and mused out loud if he should wear his new top hat.
Jazz had this inane ability to comfort those around him, and I was certainly not immune to this gift. I loved listening to him talk about whatever popped into his head, allowing his calm to wash over me in warm waves and diffuse a situation with little more than his natural, easy personality… I just genuinely enjoyed Jasper's company, and I couldn't wait to see him. I didn't mention anything about the meeting with the Cullens, because I wanted to surprise him in person.
The bar was named New Moon, and it was located just down the street from the office. I saw the sign ahead of me now, neon blue and blinking. The anthropomorphic moon smiled down at me crazily, impatiently… and I had the urge to run away. Fast. And I really might have, too, if not for the fear that in an all-out sprint I would break my ankle in these shoes.
I stood at the entrance, hesitating.
I could just go back. Right now. Walk away. Run away.
I placed my hand flat on the door. I stared at the scared surface.
I have work to do.
The wood was rough beneath my palm.
Alice would forgive me…
A loud creak of rusty hinges announced my decision.
I paused in the doorway. The place was the quintessential dive-bar: seedy and dark, dull glowing colors penetrating dim light. Flat wooden square of a dance floor, colorful jukebox squatting in the corner, shadowy booths housing gently moving figures. I was relieved to see Alice already waiting for me at a table. She had a tote bag sitting in front of her.
Oh holy mother of god. What's in the bag?
She spun around when she heard the door open.
"Bella!" she squeaked, her small arms stretching out toward me.
During our time as friends, I had heard more than one person try to liken Alice to a pixie. I understood why; it was an easy association to make due to her small size, tinkling voice and bubbly disposition. I'd admit, the analogy had certainly occurred to me when we had first met.
But good luck to anyone who said it directly to Alice. The comparison made her absolutely furious. Alice, more than anyone in my life, had taught me that looks could definitely be deceiving. She was petite, sure, but I had seen Alice bench press more than her body weight ten times and take down a fully grown man in a martial arts class. She wasn't all sugar and spice. Alice was no joke. Also, I wondered if they would still use the term "pixie-like" if they saw the semi-nude pin-up girl tattoo mapping her entire right thigh, or if they heard the filthy things that came out of her mouth when she had a few drinks in her. Somehow, I doubted it.
Alice was in my arms before I had time to really look around, or speak, or blink. She immediately grabbed my elbow and steered me toward the back of the room, chattering the whole way.
"Bella, I am so happy we're here! I knew you'd nail it today. I'm buying you your first drink, I've already picked it out…" We entered the ladies bathroom together, her small body guiding the way and her excited chatter never ceasing. She pushed us both into the larger stall and locked the door.
"Here. Put these on." The bag was suddenly in my hands, and Alice stood back, eyebrows raised. "And for the love of god, be careful with that gorgeous suit."
I opened the bag… and froze. I was immediately reminded of that nightmare where you're standing naked in front of your classmates. Alice wasn't asking me to go out there nude, but this felt almost as bad.
She had packed her favorite pair of my jeans; they were designer, dark denim, and dear god, they even made me want to take a bite out of my own ass. She'd picked equally embarrassing shoes; ankle-length boots, black leather and, regrettably, adorable.
"Alice." I held up the shirt. It was a rich jewel-toned blue with an outrageous halter-cut that left my arms bare. I'd bought it months ago and had yet to find a circumstance to wear it. Alice had apparently deemed this the occasion.
"I cannot wear this."
She crossed her arms. "Why?"
"These people have never seen me outside of the office. They've never seen me out of a suit. I don't even know if they are aware that I have arms, for fucksake." I shook the shirt at her. "This is too much. For them!"
"No, it's not," she said simply. "It's hot yet modest, and you'll look incredible. I even brought the right bra." She already had it in her hands and was waving it in front of my face and smiling wickedly.
Of course you did. Because it's hot pink and lacey and why wouldn't you bring me sexy lingerie to wear around my peers?
"Don't fight me, Bella. You'll lose. Put. It. On." Her tone was absolute. I opened my mouth to protest, but Alice rolled her eyes and reached over, unbuttoned my jacket, and was tugging it down my arms before the words could leave my mouth.
I sighed, exasperated. There was absolutely no fighting her. I slapped her hands away and began to undress myself.
"I called Jasper. He's on his way." I folded my suit carefully, handing it to her.
"Jasper! That's fantastic! It's been ages since I've seen him." She scrunched her face at her reflection in the mirror and fussed with her spiky black hair. Alice was always accidentally glamorous. She was wearing purple tights under a black jean skirt and a simple t-shirt, dressed up with some chunky gold jewelry and a short leather jacket. She dressed up by not dressing up. "I'm so glad he's coming. I guess he needs to celebrate too, huh?"
"Exactly, but he doesn't know it yet." I scrutinized myself in the mirror. "My hair looks… inappropriate." She rolled her eyes and gestured for me to lean down. Alice unclipped my long curls and did some twisty-thing, and like magic it was stylishly knotted at the base of my neck, bangs swept sideways, curly tendrils falling around me face. I appraised myself again. Alice's reflection beamed at me, her crazy smile reflected next to my pouty red frown.
"You look great." She shook her head at my wide, terrified eyes. "You're psyching yourself out. This is you and I having a drink, nothing more. Relax. Stop fucking blushing. Ready?"
She's right. I need to do this. I'm being stupid... I'm just having some weird panic attack. Some weird, never-ending, catastrophic panic attack. Yup. I'm insane.
Alice seemed to read my mind. "Try new things, right?" She grabbed my hand. "All in?"
I drew in a deep breath. "All in. Let's go." She smiled at me as she unlocked the door. We stepped out together.
I was finally able to take a cautious look around, and I had to swallow bitter panic when I realized just how many faces I recognized. I knew that this was a popular after-work watering hole, but I was still surprised at the turnout. There were at least fifteen people from our office in booths, at the bar, or moving awkwardly on the dance floor.
How could I have any idea how many people hang out here? I've never been here. Because I'm allergic to having any fun.
Alice flashed a smile up at the bartender.
"Please get the lady whatever she wants, but first set up that shot we talked about before, okay?" He nodded and immediately got to work, mixing and measuring. He was cute, with a baby face and skinny arms. Not my type, but okay.
Alice turned to me. She poked me in the shoulder with her index finger. "Drink whatever he gives you." Her voice still had that terrifying, don't argue with me tone. "I'm just going to run out to the car and put away your suit. Don't fidget with your bangs, either." Before I could draw in a breath, she was out the door, leaving me alone. At a bar. In scandalous clothes.
Where is a fucking lightning bolt when you need one?
I leaned against the bar and looked to my left. I immediately recognized two of my co-workers - accountants, I believed. I wasn't sure. They were each holding a beer, ties loosened… and neither one was trying too hard to hide their open, shocked stares aimed directly at me. I averted both my eyes and looked to my right… only to find two more co-workers pretty much in identical stances and states of interest.
Please don't feed the animal, gentlemen.
The bartender set a shot in front of me. "A Washington Apple. It's what your friend ordered for you." He pointed at it. "Her instructions were to make sure you drank that, you know." He leaned over the bar. "People don't argue with her much, do they?"
I took the cool shot glass in my hand. "You have no idea." He laughed as I tossed back the drink. The empty glass clacked against the hard wood. "I'll take a single-malt scotch, neat, with a splash of water, please." Quickly.
"You got it." As he busied himself making my drink, I realized that I had a view of the entire bar in the gigantic mirror on the wall behind the bar. I took a moment to look around.
Edward definitely wasn't here yet, and I told myself I didn't care. I was grateful that I at least wasn't being blatantly stared at now; people were just sneaking glances here and there. I did note that some of the looks I was receiving now were less, hey-check-out-that-freak, and were more along the lines of, hey-check-out-that-ass. My acquaintances to the right and the left of me appeared to be coming over to the latter camp, and I wasn't sure which made me more uncomfortable.
Alice, where the hell are you?
"Bells!"
I turned toward the voice and there Jasper stood, in all his glory. He was wearing black skinny jeans, checkerboard vans, and a pinstriped navy blue blazer. His blonde hair was long and shaggy and, god bless him, he had gone with the top hat. Jasper politely removed his hat and placed it under his arm, almost primly, like a Victorian chap. He looked like a modern anachronism; a charming punk-rock gentleman. He beamed as he strode toward me.
"Hello, beautiful!" He tossed his hat on the bar and scooped me up into a big hug. Every head in the joint was now turned in his direction, but he was completely aloof to any attention he was attracting. His shaggy hair tickled my burning cheek.
I shut my eyes and smiled into his shoulder. Jasper was quirky and colorful and wonderful, as perhaps geniuses were supposed to be. He was fearless, just like Alice; maybe that's why I got along with him so well. He was intensely empathetic toward the suffering of others, but completely disregarded any judgments that others placed upon him. I had always been protective over Jasper, and he told me time and time again to ignore the stupid stares and the whispers.
"Bella, you can't worry about what other people think of you," he would always tell me. "You'll go crazy. Just be yourself… and if they don't like how you roll, fuck 'em."
Two minutes ago, I was feeling self-conscious and timid. However, in that moment we stood embracing and I could practically feel the stares burning into Jasper's sweet face, my mama-bear side kicked in and I decided right then and there to try and take Jasper's advice.
Screw it, I thought. Let 'em look. I squeezed him back.
"Hello, Jazz. Love the hat." The bartender had set my drink in front of me.
"Thanks! I'm partial to it." He slapped his hand on the bar. "So? What are we having? Your usual gasoline?" I nodded. Jasper turned to the bartender. "Then I will not have what the lady is having. Jack and Coke, please." Jazz raised it to me.
"So what should we toast to, boss?" He leaned against the bar. "Friendship? Canada? Reality television?"
"Those are good." I looked up at the ceiling, feeling calmer and a bit more bold. I shrugged. "How about to… new clients?" Jasper cocked his head at me quizzically. "Lucrative new clients." His blue eyes widened, and he slowly set his glass back on the bar top. "Lucrative new clients who flipped the fuck out over their new advertising campaign."
"Are you serious?" Jazz grabbed my shoulders. "Bella." He wasn't joking now. I nodded, and for the first time since I had walked through the door, I was excited.
"I meant to ask you, Jazz, would you be interested in officially contracting with me to handle the advertising needs for the Cullen Corporation?"
His squatted down slightly and shifted his gaze back and forth between my eyes. I nodded again. Bit by bit, he registered belief and his entire face lit up, like a sleepy child seeing his presents on Christmas morning.
"Bella!" He picked me up around my waist and spun me away from the bar. "Are you kidding?" He had to hold me away to look at me once more, as I was still suspended in mid-air. "Serious? Serious serious?"
I nodded, laughing. "Super serious." My legs dangled and my bare arms were locked around his neck. "Jasper, they loved your drawings. I mean loved. They want to work with me, and they told me that they want you handling their advertising. All of it. Exclusively."
As Jasper processed my news, my eyes went over his shoulder to the front door.
And of course, there he was.
My eyes drank him in from the bottom up. Gone was the uniform of a corporate automaton, of an IT nerd who worked on computers all day… and though I thought he looked beautiful all the time, right now I actually had to remind myself to breathe…
Long hard legs in dark dirty-washed jeans. Black dress shirt, unbuttoned to reveal just a sliver of a printed t-shirt, the white writing strained against his wide chest; I wanted to read it with my fingertips. A skinny black tie hanging haphazardly around his neck; he would make sinning look sophisticated. Jaw line and cheeks and straight nose carved from pale marble, hurricane hair begging for either a vigorous combing or a finger-fucking… and right then I would have volunteered for either job.
He was the sexiest, most incredible, most appetizing man I'd never had the pleasure of sleeping with…
What? I blinked stupidly. Am I drunk already?
Green eyes locked to mine naturally. I had no idea how long I'd been staring, with my heart thundering in my chest and my rubbery limbs singing with nervous energy. Heat hit me from the top and bottom, flooding my face and throbbing between my legs.
I was spinning again, and it took me a beat to realize that I was physically moving. "Bella, I can't believe this!" Jasper exclaimed. When our twirl came to a stop, I immediately sought him again, but Edward had looked away. I felt stupidly… empty. Robbed of electric green and warmth. Jasper was warm and dry, but he didn't burn me the way my body craved to be scorched.
Emmett's hulking frame entered the bar right behind Edward, and poor guy had to duck just to pass through the door. Directly after Emmett came Alice, who was just returning from her trek to the car. The contrast was amusing: Emmett was about a foot and a half taller than Alice, and probably outweighed her by nearly 200 pounds. She glanced up at him warily and quickly darted away, as if she were afraid he would unknowingly step backward and squash her flat – honestly, sort of a valid concern.
"Alice," I whispered quietly in Jasper's ear.
I felt his arms briefly squeeze me tighter before he finally set me down on my feet. Alice was striding toward us, and when she saw Jasper she grinned and ran forward.
"Jazz!" She leapt up and he caught her. He swung her around so he faced me, and I watched his eyes close and his cheek press lightly into the top of her head. His gentle, quiet reverence in that moment tore through me. He released her, reluctance in his grey eyes. He smiled broadly.
"Hey, Ali. Long time no see." He pushed his curly hair back behind his ears. "How the hell have you been?"
"I've been great… how the fuck are you, stud?" She looked at him curiously, one eyebrow raised.
"Pretty fucking fantastic, now that Bella scored me the biggest job of my life!"
"Yay!" She jumped up and hugged him again. "I'm so glad she told you!" I couldn't decide which was likely making Jasper happier: his newly inflated income, or being so close to Alice. It was probably a toss-up. I winked at him from behind Alice's back.
"Well then, Mr. Whitlock, I assume you're buying this next round, right?" He laughed as Alice waved at the bartender. "What are you having, Bells? Your usual moonshine?"
I picked up my scotch and jiggled it at her, "Alice, I haven't been able to take a single sip of my first one yet. Slow down, Earnhardt."
She looked at me, disgusted. "Okay, a few things: A. Hurry up, bitch. B. I'm ordering shots, and they don't count as 'drinks.' They're freebies. And C. Tonight is a no-excuse zone, Swan. Man up."
Jasper laughed again, his smiling face never leaving Alice's stern profile.
I rolled my eyes and took a swig of my drink. Oh… yes. It was smoky and bold and it seared its way along my tongue, slid like hot metal down the back of my throat. Liquid sex. Memories from the other morning came to me then, the sensations all blurring together in my mind; hot fingers and searing alcohol, moving and drinking and entering, unfulfilled aching, burning the pit of my stomach. I took another swallow.
My eyes went back to the mirror and settled on the table at which Edward and Emmett were now sitting. I watched him covertly from under my eyelashes, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. He was talking with Emmett and laughing hard. His hand raked his hair, and I gritted my teeth against the fluttering in my chest. He was just so fucking beautiful. As I watched him, I saw his eyes flicker sideways…
… and glance directly at my back.
My breath caught.
Did he look… at me?
No of course not. Why would he? Unless he wanted to gawk at me, like everyone else… I wouldn't blame him.
But wait… right there. Again, his emerald eyes shot my way, directly at my turned back. In total disbelief, I watched as Edward continued to shoot furtive glances in my direction. My stomach did somersaults and I sipped more scotch to calm my raging nerves, which were churning for no good reason.
Calm down Bella, he probably wants another drink. Drinks are at the bar. You are at the bar. That made perfect sense. I took a deep breath and tried desperately to stop staring at him before Alice or Jasper noticed...
Was he… watching at me, the same secret way I was watching him?
Emmett stood up then, unfolding his massive frame before striding over toward the bar… and directly toward me. His grin was toothy and bright, and his gait was so much more carefree than would seem possible for a man of his sheer size. I stiffened, and fought with my immediate "flight" instinct.
Alice always knew when I was getting stressed. It was like she could sense my muscles begin to tighten, and feel the tension start to roll off me in hot waves. I could see her studying me out of the corner of her eye, and I had no doubt that she was ready to block my exit in case I decided to bolt. Goddamn psychic.
"Ms. Swaaaaan!" Emmett towered over the wooden bar. "Hey Eric, two Newcastles please, and four shots of Patron for each of us up here." Emmett winked. "Congratulatory, remember?" He leaned casually against the bar, his long legs crossed at the ankles. "Also, if I may say so, the lighting in this shithole suits you beautifully… ma'am."
The Washington Apple in my stomach and his teasing smile suddenly lent me a strange surge of bravery.
"I wish I could say the same for you, Mr. McCarthy." His eyebrows shot up, and his mouth opened in surprise. He looked stunned for a split second before releasing a loud, barking laugh. It felt so good to finally tease Emmett back. My smile was hesitant… but it felt good to really smile.
"Mr. McCarthy, these are my friends, Alice and Jasper. Guys, this is Emmett McCarthy. He's our lead IT tech, and he has apparently bought you each a shot."
The three exchanged pleasantries. Alice's entire hand disappeared up past her wrist into Emmett's baseball glove-sized fist. Eric the bartender lined up the drinks, and Emmett doled them out. I downed mine obediently, cringing and earning another laugh from Emmett. We each thanked him and spoke for a few minutes, and he was definitely amused when Alice looked straight up at him and sweetly called him "fucking enormous." He politely responded by calling her "fucking petite," and we all shared a laughed.
"Pleasure to meet you, Alice and Jasper. Please, call me Emmett… none of the 'Mr. McCarthy' stuff." He grabbed his beers and gestured toward me with his chin. "Maybe try and get your friend to do the same." Hot humiliation flooded my face, and my mouth burned with scotch and embarrassment.
Emmett nudged me with his elbow. "Hey." I looked up at him; quite literally, my neck strained backward as I looked straight up into his warm eyes. "It's honestly nice to see you here," he said. "I hope it happens again."
I fought the ridiculous urge to hug him.
He gave me one more prod before he walked back to his table. I averted my eyes before they could inevitably attach to Edward.
"Holy god." Alice watched Emmett walk away. "He must be part giant. Or rhinoceros."
I laughed and took another swig of my drink. My arms and legs were beginning to tingle now, and I felt liquid courage beginning to pump hot through my veins.
A shrill laugh swiftly filled the room, and I cringed. Whoa. Buzz kill.
Jessica looked like a horny teenager's wet dream in a tight white miniskirt, tall white boots and a revealing red zip up top. She looks like a slutty lollipop. I realized that my nervousness was swiftly abating with every searing sip I took. A Blow-pop! I giggled quietly, feeling pretty damn good.
She was with two other girls that I didn't recognize. Jessica literally stopped in her tracks when she saw me standing at the bar, and she immediately began whispering to her companions, making a show of covering her mouth and keeping her eyes fixed directly on me. I almost laughed out loud - it was so ridiculous. Her presence made me feel oddly validated for being the better woman in this situation. My laughter died in my throat when she turned and sashayed directly over to Edward's table.
I watched as he and Emmett looked up in surprise, but eventually smiled politely at the three women. I seethed as Jessica and Edward spoke for a moment before she suddenly burst out again with her piercing cackle, her blonde hair shaking and spilling down her back. Her hand grasped Edward's bicep.
I looked away, and took another drink of my scotch.
"Ms. Swan!" Angela was suddenly standing at my side. My mind was beginning to spin from all of the action and visitors, and I beginning to struggle to keep up. "I'm so glad you came," she exclaimed happily.
I was truly glad to see her, and I was momentarily taken aback by her appearance. Gone was the frumpy cardigan sweater that she always wore to work, and instead she sported casual jeans and a simple green blouse. Her hair was loose flowing, framing her round face. When she tried, I realized, Angela was actually quite striking. Her relaxed body language was also nice to see… she was so tense at work, and she always seemed stressed...
Ha. I wondered if she thought the same about me.
"Thank you for inviting me… Ms. Weber." The usage of her last name felt odd in the dim lights of the bar, and my tongue stumbled over my words. Angela just smiled kindly.
"Of course." She ordered two bottles of Bud Light Lime. "It's a little ghetto in here, but it's close to the office and the drinks are cheap." She grabbed her drinks and faced me. "Anyway, I should be getting back to my boyfriend, Ben… That's him right there." I heard adoration in her voice as she gestured to a booth. A small blonde guy in black glasses identical to Angela's gave us a small wave. She waved back to him.
"He seems very nice." Despite my slightly lowered inhibitions, I still felt a little awkward as unused to speaking with Angela so casually… but luckily for me, Angela could see nothing but the blonde boy.
"He's my other half," she sighed. She was so sincere, and her happiness tugged at my heart and my swimming brain.
I introduced Angela to my friends before bidding her goodbye and thanking her again for the invite. Her boyfriend looked genuinely happy to see her walking back to him.
"They're adorable," whispered Alice in my ear.
"Sickeningly so," I responded. She chuckled.
Alice insisted that we each take another shot. By now, my skin was buzzing and my lips felt looser. My posture was relaxed as I leaned against the smooth bar. Jasper, Ali and I ended up standing there for a long time, drinking and talking and reminiscing.
I realized, with complete and utter shock, that I was honestly having a good time.
I took a deep breath as I watched Jasper enthusiastically act out a story for Alice. She was laughing hard, clutching her side and slapping at Jasper's arm.
I have been missing this, I thought. Maybe… I can do this again… maybe the little sprite was right.
I felt lighter. Hopeful, even. Weird. I laughed at myself and my internal conversation, and Alice gave me a sweet smile.
Not surprisingly, however, I hadn't completely shaken my discomfort. I tried to smile at the appropriate moments when Alice referenced me in a story or comment, but my stomach was still gently twirling and I couldn't help but occasionally shoot glances in the mirror, nervously taking in my surroundings. I tried to concentrate on observing the dynamic between Alice and Jasper. They talked on and on, their conversation an endless stream of sound punctuated only by brief moments of stolen breath.
Ya know what? I'm thinking too fucking much. I sipped my scotch and tried to steady my breathing. You're doing fine, Bella.
My eyes drifted around the bar… everywhere expect the back table where my eyes were trying so hard to find rest.
If there was something going on between Jessica and Edward… which, by the way, is totally fine... I just didn't want to see it. Not like I would care or anything… I just don't want to witness it first-hand. I mean, we work together now. We should keep our personal lives separate. Perfectly reasonable.
I told myself that I felt better.
"Let's go grab a table," Alice commanded, picking up her drink. Jasper followed closely behind her, his hand making light contact with her back when she wobbled just a bit. "You coming, Bells?"
I drained the remainder of my scotch in one swallow. "I'm going to get another drink and I'll be right there."
Alice clapped her hands. "Yes! Get me another one too, k? On Jasper." He laughed as they walked away together, still chatting happily.
I turned back to the bar, keeping my eyes cast downward. "Another scotch and water for me, please? And a screwdriver for the little one." Eric laughed and went to work.
I placed my hands flat on the bar, stabilizing myself. Whew. When is the last time I drank? I couldn't remember. Courage and nervousness buzzed through me, making my head light and my mind loose.
I looked at Alice and Jasper in my secret mirror. They were sitting now, their heads bent close, eyes sparkling. I allowed myself to entertain a sliver of hope. It had always been the wrong time for them before: Alice had been engaged for way too long, and then Jasper had been overly courteous and unwilling to take the first step… but we were older now, wiser. Maybe they have a shot…
"What are you drinking?"
A satin voice snaked across my ear, ghosting along my cheek.
He was directly behind me, dangerously close, and I instinctively leaned back into him. I felt his hot breath on my neck and I took a hitching gasp, unexpectedly drawing in a wave of his scent… it filled my nose and lungs and existence. I closed my eyes. He assaulted my senses, surrounded me — a much more effective intoxicant than the alcohol I was sipping.
Edward moved from behind me, and I mourned the loss of his heat. If I was buzzed before, I was suddenly drunk and drowning. Electricity licked the bare skin of my arms as his eyes met mine, just inches away. My face burned bright, but the scotch in my stomach made me feel steely and firm. I released my held breath… but I didn't look away.
I touched the glass in front of me, my fingers nervously tracing its lip. His gaze took in both glasses. "Two, huh? Impressive."
"They aren't both mine." Duh. Don't start this obvious shit again, Bella. I got a hold of myself. "The screwdriver is for my friend. The scotch is mine." My lips and tongue felt swollen. I wondered briefly what state his lips and tongue were in.
And of course, my dream chose to come back to me right then, intense and almost tangible with the subject standing directly in front of me. Desperate panting, frantic strokes of fingertips and long licks to newly exposed flesh, damp grass and salty sweat, nimble fingers dancing across my stomach but feeling them lower… a curious, hungry mouth asking for entry and gaining access…
He eyed my drink. "Straight up? Not on the rocks?" I watched his eyes follow my fingers as I caressed the smooth lip of the glass. I wanted to trace his knuckles with my fingertips, hard bumps and soft hair. His gaze then traveled higher, up past my delicate wrist, along the exposed skin of my bare arm and shoulder, and finally meeting neck, and scarlet cheek, to my waiting eyes. His glowed jade in the dim light.
"No," I managed to say, breathless. "It's much better without." I was struggling to form a coherent thought that didn't end with …so we should get naked.
"Well, I'll take you word for it. I've never tried it neat before." Edward held up two fingers to Eric, who understood. He was just… incredible, breathtaking, surreal. Casual cool with a fiery presence, a pocket of reality for me in this surreal place that was growing smaller by the minute.
My head spun. He comforted me and provoked at the same time.
I fought the urge to grab his tie, to fist the silky material in my hand and pull him closer and silently beg him to save me, to hold me up like in my dream, allow me to break the surface so I could steal breath from his mouth.
Fuck. He made me forget my stupid lie that sexual desire was "unnecessary," evidenced by my flushing skin, the burning low and hot in my stomach, and the veritable flood currently happening in my designer jeans.
I shrugged instead.
"You… should try it sometime." He nodded, still looking at the glass. My traitorous hand, who obviously didn't understand my precarious situation, suddenly pushed the drink toward him.
"Would you like a taste?"
Wait, what?
My brain was fuzzy, white static. The look of mild shock on his face was nothing compared to the surprise I felt. But there I stood, staring at him, practically daring him to take it.
Did I just… ?
The corner of his mouth turned up. That fucking crooked smile.
Holt shit, I did.
Edward took my scotch in his hand, long fingers curling around the clear glass. His eyes held mine now - now he was daring me, to watch him. And fuck me, I couldn't look away if I had wanted to.
He brought the smooth glass to his mouth. The rim pressed against his full lower lip, soft flesh relenting and parting. He pulled in the liquid slowly, jaw flexing, throat working smoothly. I thought of brilliant emeralds above liquid fire. I felt phantom fire on my tongue, trickling, like venom. I relished the echoed taste in my mouth, knowing at that moment exactly what he tasted like.
When he finished, he set the glass down carefully back in front of me. He licked his lips, and my scandalous tongue darted out to wet my own. I was embarrassingly exhilarated for being in the middle of a crowded bar; my nipples were hard points under my thin blouse, my pants damp and far too tight. Turncoats.
He pulled in air through his teeth, hissing. I clenched my own teeth as the noise went straight to my poor, aching, lonely pussy.
"Oh my."
No shit.
He coughed, and I giggled. Oh dear Jesus I just giggled. Out loud.
Oh fuck. I had a moment of clarity through the haze. With panic, I realized that I couldn't predict my reactions now, couldn't stop my words or movements. The only distance between us was an arm's length… and that could easily be remedied…
You don't belong here. It was my own voice, calling out to me from the back of my mind. I clenched jaw and picked up the glass, soaking in the residual heat from his hand. I stared down at it and tried to decide what I really thought about the situation.
"That was… intense." He smiled. "But really good. Thank you."
"You're welcome," I said softly, my eyes still on my hand.
"Hey." He bent his legs and ducked down, trying to catch my gaze. Without a thought, my head naturally turned toward him. The pull was overwhelming me, threatening to manifest into words, or actions. I wanted to touch him so badly, just below where his black shirt was rolled up; the smooth tan marble of his forearm, covered in light golden hair, risen veins a topographical map over hard muscles.
Edward continued, "I wanted to congratulate you again, on today. I think -"
He was interrupted by a glass slamming down on the bar next to him, the loud crack like a gunshot. Jessica stood beside him, smirking.
"Bartender," she said obnoxiously, "I'll take a… hmmm…. How about a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall." She was wicked and blatantly obvious. "How about you, Edward? Would you care for a Sloe Comfortable Screw? Or perhaps Sex on the Beach? How about an Orgasm? I'm providing… I mean, buying." She cocked her head and stared directly at him. My face burned with the shame she seemed to lack.
Edward shrugged, his face calm and even, as always. "I'm sticking with my beer, thanks. Though I might be ordering a neat scotch later." He winked at me, and I managed a small strangled smile. Jessica had destroyed my high and set me right back on edge.
You don't belong here…
Jessica looked past Edward at me. She feigned shock, as if she didn't know I had been standing there the whole time.
"Ms. Swan!" Her voice was shrill and loud, attention-seeking. "How nice of you to come out amongst us commoners! Now, would your father approve of you being here?" I tightened my grip on my glass. She smiled and looked expectantly at Edward, obviously hoping for some kind of reaction. Edward, however, was still looking at me, watching my movements carefully. She frowned. Her eyes were hard, determined. She tried again. "So… celebrating, are we?"
"Yes, Ms. Stanley, I am." My body was tensed, my head whirling. I doubted my own words, afraid they would betray me and show vulnerability. Not to her. No fucking way. I could feel myself shutting down, building back up the necessary distance to keep her out. I locked away both the anger I felt building toward Jessica and my silly passion for Edward, because I couldn't separate them for the moment. Just a minute ago I had felt good, alive… now I was hollow again. Hollow and tipsy.
I am being so stupid.
Jessica smiled razorblades. "Well, that's great. It's so kind of you to grace us with your presence, Ms. Swan. Shall I order something for you?" Her expression was falsely kind, the offer obviously empty. "When is the last time you had a Slow Comfortable Screw, hmm?"
My smile didn't reach my eyes. "Thank you for the offer, Ms. Stanley, but I'm quite satisfied." I picked up my drinks. "Ms. Stanley, Mr. Masen, if you'll excuse me."
I turned and walked back to Alice and Jasper, head high and heart still. I didn't look at Edward again… I wasn't sure if I could handle it if she were touching him again.
Because you don't care. Right Bella?
"Jesus Bells, what took so long?" Jasper asked as I slipped into the seat next to him.
Alice smiled knowingly. "That's her green-eyed tech guy."
"Oooooh…" Jasper nodded. "Very nice, Bells." Alice looked at him oddly. "What? I can appreciate a nice-looking man!" He shrugged. "That's a nice-looking man right there."
I shrugged and stared at my drink. I was trying to concentrate, to relax, to get back to the place I was at before… but my focus had been broken. I felt lost again. Jessica had reminded me again of how different I actually was… I had been foolish to think I could get away with blending in, even for just one night.
"Who's the slut that's trying way too hard?" Alice asked.
"That's Jessica."
"Ooooh. Makes sense." Alice knew all about Jessica. "Just as classy as I pictured her." Alice took in my posture, my sullen expression. She and Jazz shared a look. This did nothing to calm me: even Jasper and Alice, who hadn't seen each other in weeks, could share an intimate moment… something which I was obviously incapable of sharing with anyone.
Why am I here again? Shit.
I glanced to my right, and my eyes just had to lock directly on Mike Newton. He was sitting in a dark booth about twenty feet away, arms were crossed, his collar popped. He was staring at me… as was everyone else at his booth. I hadn't noticed him before, and I wondered if he'd been sitting there this whole time, and how long he'd been watching me.
"Fuck me." Alice and Jasper both jumped and looked at me in surprise. "When am I going to stop being so goddamn fascinating?" I said grumpily. I swirled my scotch in the glass, irritated. I was rapidly losing my desire to celebrate.
Alice looked wickedly at Jasper before turning to me. "You wanna really blow their minds?" She stood up and grabbed my hand, tugging me to my feet. My reactions were delayed, so I automatically followed her, confused.
After a few steps, I realized in horror that she was dragging me to dance floor.
I immediately tried to back-pedal.
"No no no. Alice, no!" I hissed, trying not to fight her too obviously. I had already been pulled half-way there before my clouded brain had realized what the devilish imp was doing, and we were now standing in the middle of the goddamn room. I couldn't run back to my seat now...
"Yes yes yes, Bells. C'mon! You need to move." She grabbed my other hand and continued pulling me, smiling and shaking her hips. There were quite a few people already up and dancing. Prince's Erotic City was just beginning, its twangy opening notes hitting my ears.
"Alice, Jesus, these are my co-workers… I don't even call them by their first names… I can't dance in front of them!" I was panicking now, begging her with my eyes. My famous composure was about two scotches and two shots (I think) behind me. "Please, let's just go back… We'll just keep walking to the bar…"
Jasper came up behind me. He wrapped his hands around my upper arms and steadied me.
"C'mon, Isabella Marie. Fuck 'em, remember?"
I turned my head, and was rewarded with a half-smile. Jasper wasn't pushing me forward, but rather just holding me firm, waiting for my ruling on the situation.
Oh fuck me.
I sagged beneath his hands, and let myself get swallowed by the undulating group of bodies. Alice went straight into the middle of the crowd. She raised her hands above her head and danced enthusiastically, trying to entice me to dance with her.
The truth of the matter was that I absolutely loved to dance. I had been a dancer my entire life, and besides running there was nothing that I loved to do more than move to a rhythm. Alice knew this. Damn her.
Also, I happened to be a fucking excellent dancer, drunk or sober.
I felt my feet start to move tentatively and my hips swayed, slow and hesitant. My eyes darted around the room. I've officially been spotted, I noted as heads began to turn. I shifted miserably, awkwardly.
Jasper sensed my trepidation, and before I knew it he had wrapped one arm around my waist and grasped my right hand in his left, and spun me gracelessly. Jasper was so long and lanky, and elegance wasn't his strong suit… but here he was, trying valiantly to take the attention with me instead of leaving me to twist in the wind. I hadn't realized that he had put on his top hat until right then… and he looked so serious trying to clumsily lead me in a waltz to Prince's plea to fuck so pretty, you and me…
In spite of myself, I laughed. I was still embarrassed, but feeling slightly less mutinous now. I surrendered, leaned into his shoulder and closed my eyes. The room spun right along with our feet, and I let Jasper lead me in our absurd dance. The skin on the back of my neck prickled, and my thoughts strayed to Edward, sitting in the shadows. I wondered if he was witnessing this spectacle, but I turned and pressed my face into Jasper's chest to avoid confirmation.
As the last note died away, Jasper gave me a kiss on my cheek and released me. The next song immediately began to bump, and he and Alice instantly gravitated toward one another. I took the opportunity to whisper in Alice's ear.
"I'm going to get one more drink and then I'm done. I'll be back." I promised her.
I ordered a water from Eric and paid my tab. Unscrewing the top, I took a long pull of the frigid liquid. I hadn't been doing a good job of hydrating tonight. I sighed.
Goddamn it.
I had been avoiding looking in his direction, fearful of what I might see. As I screwed the top back on my bottle … I couldn't help myself. I looked in the mirror.
I was met with waiting green eyes.
Indeed, Jessica and her friends were there, and they were now sitting at Edward and Emmett's table, touching their cleavage and smacking their plumped lips. But Edward wasn't paying them any attention.
He was starting boldly at me.
No flashing looks or sideways glances, covert glances at my back. He was staring openly at me, steadily meeting my eyes in the mirror's reflection. Unapologetically. My whole body flushed…
"Hello, Isabella." Shit, what now?
Mike Newton stood next to me, having snuck up on me while my attention was on Edward, the bastard. He leaned backward against the bar, smirking. Blech.
"If I may, you look amazing tonight." His eyes traveled up and down the length of my body, hesitating briefly on the area between my stomach and neck. I suppressed a shudder. Being eye-fucked by Mike was about as pleasant as being hit with a sack of doorknobs.
"Thank you, Mr. Newton." I hatched a quick escape plan. I tried to catch Eric's attention to order another drink so I could go give it to Alice. But Eric was occupied… I had no way out.
"You finally get to see me in my going-out clothes, you lucky little girl. Pretty nice, huh? " He adjusted the pop in his collar. "You caught me on a good night, too. I happen to be here alone. Trust me, it doesn't happen often."
Oh my god. I gagged and braced myself on the bar. If the stupid room could stop spinning for just one minute…
But Mike wasn't done. "You are enjoying yourself after your victory today, huh?" I wasn't too drunk to detect a bitter undertone to his words.
"Yes." My eyes darted around, continuing to look for an exit strategy. Alice and Jasper were still dancing together, regretfully oblivious to my plight. I snuck a look at Mike, who was now openly appraising my chest in my purple top.
Okay. Enough of that. "I should be getting back to my friends."
"I saw you dancing," he said quietly. He shifted his body so he was fully facing me now, and he edged closer. His closeness was humid, stifling. He ran his eyes over my body once more. "We should dance together sometime."
Mike's clammy hand was suddenly on my lower back, rubbing, feeling like gritty sandpaper on my skin. I wanted to jerk away from his touch, but I struggled to keep my body under control, to remain calm. But his hand was repulsive and unwelcome, and I needed it gone now, but my reactions were sluggish…
My eyes jumped up, searching for help… and Edward was still there. Waiting, watching, ignoring the yammering females next to him and carefully watching my movements. My unexpected calm in a strange, foreign storm of smells and tastes and touches. I saw him shift forward in his seat, tensing, as if he were about to stand.
Mike's hand was damp through the thin material of my shirt, but I was with Edward. He held me with his eyes, spurring me to move.
I pushed away from the bar, backing away from Mike quickly. "Goodnight, Mr. Newton." I started to walk away, and I was shocked when he reached out and grabbed my arm.
"We could dance right now." His voice was low, confident. And he was fucking smirking at me again.
I tugged my arm away with some force. "No, we can't." The smirk slid off his face. His eyes grew tight.
"Goodnight, Mr. Newton."
By the time I had reached Alice and Jasper, I was feeling confused, drunk… and triumphant. It actually felt good to take Mike down a peg. Justin's FutureSex/LoveSounds began pumping through the room, deep and thumping, and suddenly I felt like moving.
Alice saw me coming and welcomed me back with a loud, "Wooooo!" I could always tell how many drinks Alice had consumed by how dirty she danced with me. Now, she grabbed my hips and ground her pelvis against mine. Pretty drunk. I laughed. I was feeling pretty damn dizzy myself.
This had been quite a night, quite a day… quite an entire fucking week for that matter, and I was just so tired of thinking and caring…
Alice twisted away from me, and I was left gyrating by myself. I felt fucking electricity shiver down my spine… and I knew he was watching me.
I couldn't stop myself.
My hips swayed back and forth, tentatively dipping and rotating. I arched my back and spun around Alice, who was swaying precariously. Jasper grabbed her around her waist, thoughtfully steadying her. I shut my eyes and just moved. I was having a tough time thinking about anything other than the beat. The sultry melody twirled and tangoed behind my eyelids, pirouetted past my eardrums.
I slid my hand slowly across the material covering my collarbone and up along my neck, feeling my skin hum underneath my fingertips. I remembered my failed endeavor yesterday morning, and the need came back full force, my body reacting: swelling, blushing, moistening. I kept moving.
I swayed briefly but caught my balance. My mind was delightfully fuzzy, a stark contrast from my usual over analysis of every situation. I shivered. Edward's existence in my life had gone from fictional to constant in a matter of five days, but my mind didn't want to dwell on how ridiculous that was right now… I just want to move for him.
I stopped thinking.
My hands skimmed over the silky material to my waist, my hips, and like that morning they were his hands, large and firm, exploring and gentle. I was hypnotized by him, or maybe I was hypnotizing him; either way, I couldn't remember when I had ever been more turned on by just a person's existence, let alone just from a look.
The music hit me from all sides, and I was sweaty and wet and swollen, throbbing, and he was watching, and I was watching him…
And then Jessica was in his lap.
Her white-clad ass rested on his thighs. Her arm snaked around his neck, clenching his shirt in her talons; the other hand sank deep into his hair. When I saw her blood red nails mixed in with his bronze locks… I stopped.
It all stopped.
Sobriety washed over me like a cold shower, and I stilled, horrified.
Oh my god. What the HELL am I doing?
I felt the blood rush into my face and neck. My exposed arms and shoulders were misted with fine sweat and undoubtedly scarlet as well. I looked at Alice, who was still dancing and stumbling, and at Jasper who was watching her carefully to make sure she didn't tip over.
I felt ashamed and vulnerable.
How could I be so reckless?
I walked to Alice and put my mouth to her ear. "I think I'm going to go home."
Alice looked at me, momentarily confused. Her eyes took a second to focus, but she took a shaky step toward the tables.
"Okay, Bells," she slurred slightly, "jus' lemme get my purse."
"No, babe." I grabbed her arm. I wanted to be alone, and I didn't want to interfere with whatever reconnection was going on with Jasper. "You don't have to go. I've just had a long day and I'm sick and drunk and tired." I looked at Jasper. "Will you make sure she gets home okay, Jazz?"
"Of course I will, Bells, but what about you? We can't let you go home by yourself…"
I pretended like I was more sober than I was, because I didn't want Jazz to insist on seeing me home. "I'm okay, really. I'm going to catch a cab right outside and go straight home." I was drunk and jittery. My nerves were frayed, and I was suddenly incredibly exhausted. I lowered my voice slightly. "You two are having a good time; stay, okay?" He frowned and looked at me. I touched his arm. "I promise I'll be okay. I'm going straight home."
He relented. "Okay. Straight home, got it?"
I nodded, anxious to leave. Beyond anxious. I kissed Alice, who was smiling and looking dazed. I gave Jasper a big hug, whispering thank you and congrats and promising to see him soon. I strode over to the table and grabbed my purse, keeping my eyes fixed straight ahead and down. I heard Jessica's stupid laugh again and I sped up my exit. She was having a great time.
Good for her.
Panic bubbled in my throat and spilled red onto my skin. I had to get out. Now. I didn't want to think about how I had just behaved, or how I could feel Edward's eyes on me now.
I was just dancing. I wasn't dancing for him. Just dancing.
I tossed one last hasty wave over my shoulder to Jasper and Alice, and not fast enough I was pulling the door open and stepping into still darkness. I took a deep breath, pulling the fresh night into my lungs. As luck would have it, there was a yellow and black taxicab idling on the corner right in front of me, and I lunged for it.
The taxi door shut too loudly, and I cringed. Through heavy lids I took one last look at the door, and in my blurred vision I saw colors dance before me: neon blue and lonely black, crazy, impossible bronze and worried green.
This was a mistake.
I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my forehead against the cool glass.
Poor Bella! One step forward, two steps back.
I want to apologize for my last chapter… FF was having that massive meltdown, and not only did some people not get the chapter alert, and not only did I miss a TON of reviews (but I reeeally hope I still got everyone), but FF didn't save my final edits and the chapter went up with typos. Booooo. I apologize for that, Readers. You deserve better, and I aim to please.
DB was reviewed on The Fictionators! AGH! I feel like I won the lotto. http://www (dot) fictionators (dot) Nicki and Caren are incredibly kind, smart, funny women, and I'm honored that they did this for me. Thank you again, loves! 3
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-ahealthyaddiciton
(btw: Purple1983, I couldn't review reply and you don't get PMs… but thank you for the review!)