Katsushiro was not delusional. He knew he wasn't the most experienced samurai, and that he wasn't particularly the most knowledgeable or worldly among them. He had experienced many strange things while in Kanna, many life lessons he had learned well. Some were stranger than others.
Yet, there was a new mystery that had caused him complete puzzlement. What had bewildered him even more was that no one was commenting on this new phenomenon. No one had even seemed to acknowledge it. And the poor boy was thrown through a loop as to why the elephant in the room wasn't mentioned once by anyone.
Kyuzo, had somewhere along the line, decided to wander around in...considerably less clothing than she normally wore.
Now it wasn't that she had simply taken off some of it. When Katsushiro emerged from the house early that morning, still half asleep, he had caught sight of Kyuzo striding casually by.
And her entire wardrobe had been altered. Her coat had been hacked away at, perhaps by a madman tailor. The trails that always swayed majestically around Kyuzo's ankles instead, Katsushiro observed, barely covered her rear, flickering suggestively with the slightest breeze. She wasn't even wearing pants! Instead...she only wore stockings...and..was that a skirt under her coat?
And apparently, her coat collar had been tailored, and hung...quite low. Had she not been wearing the bodysuit, seemingly the only untouched article of clothing, the view would have been close to inappropriate. And her boots were much higher. How could she possibly fight like that? Speaking of which, as innocent as Katsushiro was, it was impossible to overlook the suddenly much more endowed figure Kyuzo was walking around with. Her proportions were near ridiculous, boasting a wider set of hips, a sharply dipped waist, and a larger much larger bust.
Was....was Kyuzo's disguise beforehand just that good?
He had rubbed his eyes, shaken his head, splashed his face with cold water, checked his temperature. But no, every time he saw Kyuzo, the image prevailed. It wasn't a mirage.
But why wasn't anyone saying anything!?
He tried approaching it first with Kambei.
"S...Sensei?"
"Yes, Katsushiro?"
"Um...about Kyuzo-dono..." Katsushiro fiddled with his fingers, unsure of how to ask the question without appearing either a pervert or an idiot. "Why is...Kyuzo-dono....?"
"Why is Kyuzo what?" Kambei asked casually. "Is something wrong?"
"Well...maybe...?" Katsushiro blinked awkwardly. "Why is she...dressed like that all of a sudden?"
"How do you mean?"
Katsushiro stared incredulously at his teacher. Yesterday, not one inch of skin besides Kyuzo's hands or face could be seen, and she was noticeably less....exaggerated in shape. How could Kambei of all people not notice?
Waiting patiently, Kambei seemed curious as Katsushiro stumbled for another way to get at his question. "I mean...where did her clothes go?"
Kambei gave him a puzzled look. "What are you talking about? She's wearing the same clothes she always wears."
"....No she isn't...."
Katsushiro decided to leave it alone for now, bewildered, until he came across Kyuzo. As she walked by, the wind blew, and even though he saw absolutely nothing, she gasped and smacked him across the face before she stormed off.
It had happened so quickly, Katsushiro's only response was to stare after her and rub his cheek.
Katsushiro was so confused. Kyuzo slapped him. She'd never slap him. She'd punch, kick, strangle, or throw him, but she slapped him? Kiraraslapped. Kyuzo punched.
And she gasped? And for what was he to blame for anyway? He didn't see anything, he just happened to be looking in her direction, because, of course, he was wondering what the hell she was doing walking around like that.
Which begged his next question, why was he being punished because of that!? It was her own fault she was dressed like that to begin with!
The author tried to explain that wardrobe malfunctions in anime were very common, especially for female characters, even if the would-be male offender didn't actually catch them.
Katsushiro heard nothing, and headed instead for his next consultant.
"Kirara-dono, have you seen Kyuzo-dono today?"
"Hm?" Kirara had been sitting by the stream and dipping her feet into the water. "Yes, I've seen her. Why?"
"Well...why is she....."
Kirara blinked innocently, and when he trailed off, answered. "Oh. That....yes I know."
"You do?" Katsushiro sighed in relief. "What do you think caused this?"
"I'm not sure." Kirara offered, "She's never shown interest in cooking before, but she actually wanted to. I left her to prepare lunch."
Katsushiro appeared crestfallen. Cook? No, no, no, Kyuzo-dono didn't cook!
"Something the matter?" Kirara asked.
"She doesn't cook!" Katsushiro snapped defiantly, and the priestess was taken aback by his temper, staring as he continued, "I meant what she's wearing! Why is she dressed like that?"
"Dressed? Dressed like what?"
"What do you mean 'dressed like what'?" Katsushiro whined, "I meant, what happened to her normal clothes?"
"...Katsushiro-sama...she's wearing the same clothes she always does...."
"ARRGH!"
What had happened to everyone?
Katsushiro was quite distressed, sitting in the field and rubbing his temples. When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he looked up at Heihachi, who tilted his head and commented, "You look pretty upset."
"Something wrong, kid?" Shichiroji seated himself on a stone a few feet away.
Katsushiro sighed. He was pretty sure he wasn't going to get help here either, but he asked, "Have you noticed something...strange about Kyuzo-dono today?"
"Kyuzo-dono?" Heihachi nodded. "Oh yeah. Something is strange about her today."
"...R...Really!?" Katsushiro scrambled to his feet, excited by this turn of events. "Tell me! What's strange about her today? It's the way she looks, right?"
"Uh-huh."
Katsushiro sighed with relief. He wasn't crazy. Someone else had noticed--
"Did her hair get longer?"
"...What?"
"I think so, too." Shichiroji remarked, "I guess her hair just grows fast. Hadn't noticed before."
"Her hair?" Katsushiro echoed.
Heihachi nodded, affirming, "It's not quite as...fluffy as before, either. Maybe because it grew longer?"
"..." Katsushiro nervously asked, "What about the way she's dressed?"
"What about the way she's dressed?"
"Are you blind?!" Katsushiro grabbed Heihachi by the shoulders and shook him. "Has everyone in this village gone blind!?"
"K-Kat...Katsushir-...Katsushiro-kun!" It was a little difficult to talk while being shook, and Shichiroji stared, watching as Heihachi took hold of Katsushiro's wrists and pulled them off. He blinked a few times, a little dizzy, and told him, "You have to calm down. What's the problem?"
"Does no one see that Kyuzo-dono is wearing something completely different than she was yesterday!?"
Heihachi and Shichiroji glanced at each other before looking back over curiously at Katsushiro.
"...She is?"
"Doesn't look any different to me..."
".............."
"...Hey...what...hey! Katsushiro-kun! Don't bang your head into trees like that!"
"Think of the splinters, kid!"
"What's the matter with you?" Shichiroji, with both hands on Katsushiro's shoulders, led him to a low fence and sat him down. Heihachi appeared with a wet cloth to hand to Katsushiro, who, disgruntled, used it to wipe at the sore mark on his forehead. "You don't just slam your forehead into trees..."
Katsushiro mumbled, "Everyone's gone insane."
"Last I checked, you were the only one slamming his head into trees and shaking people." Heihachi plucked a leaf from Katsushiro's hair. "Maybe you've just been working too hard."
"That's not it!" Katsushiro protested. "Just, why is Kyuzo-dono suddenly walking around dressed and acting completely different? I mean, she doesn't cook or anything..."
"Of course Kyuzo-dono doesn't cook."
"...Really?" Katsushiro dared not hope for someone to come to their senses.
"Nope." Shichiroji sighed, then laughed. "She tries though."
"..." Katsushiro blinked.
"Earlier, she was trying to cook something for Kambei." Heihachi smiled and crossed his arms. "Cute, isn't it?"
"No. It's not cute!" Katsushiro stood up and threw the cloth onto the seat.
"What's wrong with her wanting to cook for him, again?" Shichiroji inquired.
"It's not possible! It's simply not like Kyuzo-dono at all to cook for sensei! She'd never do that! Ever! EVER!" Katsushiro yelled. "Why is she suddenly acting like this, and why is no one saying anything!?"
Wondering if Katsushiro had simply snapped, the two older men stared cluelessly at each other, then at their younger comrade as he continued ranting.
"Dressing like that is completely impractical, and not like her at all! And since when did she look like...that, anyway!? Sure, she wasn't shapeless, but she wasn't so..." Katsushiro couldn't find the right word, and skipped it, rambling, "And she'd never even try to cook! And she wouldn't slap me, she'd punch me, and I didn't even do anything, either!"
".....Katsushiro...what are you talking about?"
"Forget it! Nevermind."
"Kikuchiyo-dono."
Katsushiro wasn't completely sure why he tried asking him. But if, for some reason, everyone else was set against pointing out the obvious, Kikuchiyo wasn't. He was of course, the most blunt and the most loud of all of them, and if he had noticed anything, he certainly wouldn't hide it.
"Hey Katsu...what happened to your head?" Kikuchiyo gestured at his own forehead.
"Never mind that." Katsushiro waved his hand, and cut straight to the point. "Have you noticed anything strange about Kyuzo-dono today?"
"Huh? Kyu-chan?" Kikuchiyo tapped his sword against his shoulder in thought. "Can't say I have."
"...You're kidding."
"Well...now that I think about it," Kikuchiyo told him, "Isn't it kind of weird that she's wearing that skirt?"
"Y...Yes!" Relieved, Katsushiro nodded, "Why is she wearing it?"
"I'm sort of curious as to how she can jump around like that and it always stays down." Kikuchiyo paid no mind to the stupefied expression on Katsushiro's face. "I mean, you'd think it'd fly up when she kicks at least, but somehow it always stays put. Maybe she somehow attached it to her leg?"
"..." Hopeless. Katsushiro walked away, his pace quickened and his posture tense.
"Where're you going?" Kikuchiyo asked.
"I've got someone to talk to." Katsushiro called back over his shoulder, his tone determined.
Katsushiro had decided to head to the source.
He searched the village, and came across a truly horrendous scene.
Kyuzo was....doing laundry.
She had her legs folded under her, and was scrubbing away at...
"....Is...is that...Sensei's coat?" Katsushiro asked timidly.
Paying him little mind, Kyuzo nodded.
"Kyuzo-dono!" Katsushiro snapped, horrified. Mildly surprised, the blond woman looked stoically up at him, and he had to note that her hair...did look longer. It looked longer than it was...this morning?
In a tone that was almost scolding, Katsushiro demanded, "What do you think you're doing?"
"...Laundry...." Kyuzo raised an eyebrow at him.
"Why? You should never be doing laundry." Katsushiro told her. Normally he'd never take a harsh tone with Kyuzo, but he was frustrated, and he had also grown impatient. And no boy who had a woman for a role model liked seeing her change this way, especially if said mentor was Kyuzo. This particular scenario was plain disturbing. "Since when did you do laundry, cook, and dress completely differently?"
Kyuzo glanced first at the coat in her hands, and then down at her own ensemble. "What's wrong with it?"
"....You...you just..." Katsushiro's voice broke, and he dropped to his knees, defeated. Quizzically, Kyuzo stared at him, blinked, then went back to washing the coat.
He watched helplessly, until a few minutes later, he inquired, "Kyuzo-dono, you feel alright, don't you? You're not sick, are you?"
Kyuzo shook her head.
"You didn't hit your head, did you?"
Kyuzo gave him a look, as if she wanted to ask him the same thing.
Giving up, Katsushiro got up and shuffled away, leaving Kyuzo to her....work.
Dispirited, Katsushiro groaned and sat down upon a log near the river.
"What's wrong, Katsushiro?"
"Gorobei-dono." The near frantic boy turned towards the entertainer. "I don't supposed you've noticed that Kyuzo-dono..."
He didn't hope for anything, of course, but was surprised when Gorobei rubbed his chin and replied, "That she's been completely different since last night?"
Unbelieving, Katsushiro's eyes widened. Could it be that someone had actually...?
Yet, he was wary. He had been fooled before. Cautiously, he inquired, "How so...?"
"Well, the clothes, or...lack of, the figure, the hair...cooking? Doing laundry?" Gorobei listed, counting them off on his fingers, and Katsushiro wanted to scream with relief.
"YES! All of it!" He nodded enthusiastically. "Why has no one noticed?"
"I'm not sure." Gorobei sat down across from Katsushiro. "When I asked Heihachi-dono, he didn't seem to understand what I was asking."
"No one else said anything, right? They all thought I was nuts." Katsushiro prompted, "Gorobei-dono, what's happened here? How can we fix this?"
"Hmmm...." Gorobei thought long and hard. "I'm not sure what we could do. We don't even know what caused this phenomenon. Unless we figure out how this happened, we can't do anything to correct it. And we can't keep it from getting worse."
….Getting worse? Katsushiro wondered how on earth it could get worse.
The author was beginning to think that if this was a full-blown parody at women in anime, she might as well take it all the way and start parodying otaku culture and moe as well. Which could mean excuses for pointless fanservice, with the thinnest reasoning possible given for nurse uniforms, maid outfits, school girl uniforms, cat ears-
These thoughts suddenly came into Katsushiro's head in the form of images, and he screamed. Gorobei, startled, watched as Katsushiro proceeded to slam his head into the log he was sitting on.
"I'm not sure you should do that...." Gorobei winced. "Katsushiro, calm down...we'll figure it out..."
"...None of it...please....." Katsushiro sat up, looking in some serious pain. "Gorobei-dono, we have to stop her!"
"Stop Kyuzo-dono?"
"No! Not Kyuzo-dono!"
".....Then who?"
"She's getting out of control!" Katsushiro insisted. "We have to make sure none of it happens! Not the uniforms, or the cat ears, none of it!"
"Cat ears? What cat ears, and what uniforms?"
Little did Katsushiro know this wasn't something that needed to be stopped. The author was in fact lying face-down on her desk, unable to cope with the results of her own imagination, or the imagery Katsushiro had just experienced. And she needed no persuasion that Kyuzo should never be seen in any of those. This was stretching the limit.
Deciding there was nothing they could do right at the moment, Katsushiro and Gorobei gave up for now, and the rest of the day passed by uneventfully.
The next day, Katsushiro got up as normal, and as he stepped out the door, caught sight of Kyuzo...
….exactly as she always was.
Her long coat was back, her hair clipped, her pants ensuring absolutely no skin showed through, no skirt, and her normal boots, and of course, her natural figure.
He stared as Kyuzo walked by, apparently on the way to the stream to wash her face. When she disappeared behind the trees, he caught Kambei coming out of the house behind him.
"Sensei," Katsushiro asked, "She's....Kyuzo-dono is...normal again."
"I'm not sure you could call Kyuzo 'normal'," Kambei commented. "But what do you mean?"
Katsushiro, apprehensive, decided to test this development. "She doesn't cook for you, does she?"
"I'm fairly certain Kyuzo has never cooked in her life." Kambei told him.
"And...your coat." Katsushiro asked, "Did she wash it yesterday?"
Kambei chuckled. "She's come much closer to cutting it to ribbons than washing it. I don't think I could trust her with that."
"...." Katsushiro was still feeling slightly anxious. "And...do you think if she thought I saw under her underclothes, that she'd slap me?"
Kambei frowned. "When did you see her undress?"
"I didn't!" Katsushiro reassured him. "I'm just asking, if she thought I did, would she slap me?"
Accordingly, he hadn't heard Kyuzo come back, because when does anyone hear Kyuzo do anything? And he found himself grabbed by the collar, and pulled around, forced to look her in the face. It wasn't a happy face. It was an angry face.
"When." Kyuzo repeated lowly, narrowing her eyes.
"Never!" Katsushiro gulped. "I've never seen you undress!"
Kyuzo stared him down, searching for lies. She eventually decided to let him go, but only after giving him a threatening punch in the stomach that left him doubled over onto the ground as she stalked away.
Kambei felt no need to punish Katsushiro for, well, probably nothing, especially since Kyuzo had already made the lesson very clear.
"Katsushiro...are you alright?"
"Just...fine..." Katsushiro gasped.
Katsushiro never did figure out exactly what had happened. And neither did Gorobei. They had discussed it between them, and couldn't comprehend the situation. They also had no idea of why no one had absolutely no memory of the day before, except for that they suspected Katsushiro had a fever or something.
And if Gorobei hadn't remembered it all with him, Katsushiro might have believed them. But, unfortunately, it was a great mystery that would likely never be solved.
Obviously, this is a parody of women in anime. It doesn't take much more explanation that that. Because in plenty of anime and manga, the women are prone to running around in revealing clothes, even fighters like Kyuzo, when there's no reason or practicality to. And all the males act casual about it, and it doesn't matter how short the skirt, they always seem to stay down. If Kyuzo had been a female, I wouldn't think she'd have been given the exact same outfit. So there we go. Typical clothes for a typical anime woman.
By the way, when your hair is short, it does get...bigger. I know because I have flat hair that used to be very long, and when I cut it, it suddenly got more volume. The weight, I guess. Strange.
Parody sketches related to this story will be put up soon :)