Once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy. The boy's name was Heihachi. The girl's name doesn't matter, because she's completely irrelevant to the story other than for setup purposes.

Anyhow. The girl liked the boy, and the boy liked the girl back.

Except, they were not a 'girl' or a 'boy' in the technical sense, because Heihachi was closer to thirty than twenty, and it can be assumed said 'girl' is of appropriate age to be with a twenty six year old.

Heihachi, being the very lighthearted and overall caring person that he is, began to perform acts of affection, which people would call 'romantic'. He chopped wood for her, repaired things around her home, and fixed her water mill. She made him rice, and as far as he was concerned, this was all he could ever need.

It was about this time that Kyuzo decided it was time to begin showing 'affection' towards Kambei. Of course, she could not cook or clean, couldn't sew, and would never voluntarily perform these homely, 'wifely' acts to save her life anyway.

So the only logical way, Kyuzo reasoned, was to destroy nobuseri.

Every now and then, Kyuzo would be seen walking through the village dragging behind her a smoking Yakkan unit, or a completely broken Tobito. She dropped it at their doorstep and leaned against the wall, waiting for Kambei to receive his token of affection.

Kambei had absolutely no idea how to respond to this. Truly, he didn't. It was like a cat bringing in a dead bird. He would stand, stare at the heaps of useless metal, and awkwardly thank her. It seemed to satisfy Kyuzo, who would give a half smile, half smirk, and walk away satisfied, leaving Kambei with his odd gift.

Most of these odd gifts would eventually fall into Heihachi's hands, because he, of course, could use the metal. And it didn't seem to matter, because after she delivered the gift, Kyuzo never asked about them again. She didn't seem to care farther than knowing Kambei accepted her affections.

One day, Heihachi began building his own machines with the parts and metal he could salvage with the Kyuzo-killed nobuseri. He was quite happy about it, and the girl was very delighted. He loved building them, but also loved building them for the sake of making her happy.

….Then there came the problem.

Through many hours of labor and toil, Heihachi successfully built the Samurai 7 world's first Gundam. It was a strange sight.

He proudly presented his work to the others, who were utterly amazed at the sheer size of the unit, towering nearly fourty feet high. Heihachi was just that skilled.

However, within seconds, it all became dismantled and Heihachi's face dropped as Kyuzo effortlessly felled it to the ground.

"K...Kyuzo-dono!" Heihachi yelled, in disbelief. "Why'd you do that!?"

Kyuzo appeared to have no sympathy for this, and although she couldn't drag this particular thing to Kambei's doorstep, her motivations were quite clear as she snuck a smirk in his direction.

"....Thank you?" Kambei offered, and pleased, Kyuzo strode away.

Heihachi ranted to himself, angry, and finally told Kambei, "Tell your girlfriend to stay away from my machines!"

Not that Kambei, or anyone else, could blame Heihachi for being upset, as the little fellow walked off to go fix his Gundam.

This is not the end of the story!

Actually, a war had begun with the most unlikely contestants, for the unlikeliest reasons. Both were striving to impress their significant other, and it quickly became a vicious cycle.

Heihachi showed the girl how much he cared for her by building her massive mechas, and Kyuzo would express her affection for Kambei by dismantling them.

And every time Heihachi finished one of these robots, he would promptly order Kyuzo to "stay the hell away from it".

Every time, Kyuzo nodded, seemingly in agreement, and every time it appeared sincere. But by the next morning, it was in ruined pieces all over the ground again, and Heihachi would groan and slap his forehead with the palm of his hand.

"Kyuuzzzooo-doonnoo!"

"What?" She asked innocently, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Stop destroying my machines!" Heihachi demanded.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, real mature, Kyuzo-dono." Heihachi pouted. "Just pretend you don't know what I'm talking about....look, just stop wrecking them! Find more nobuseri or something, but just stop wrecking my work!"

"What nobuseri?" Kyuzo sighed. "They're all gone. Haven't seen one in days."

"...Can't you be a little more normal," Heihachi asked, "And just...I don't know, give him a gift?"

"I am." Kyuzo said matter-of-factly.

"I mean a normal one." Heihachi snapped. "Like...make him dinner or something?"

"Never." Kyuzo hissed.

Everyone watched anxiously as Kyuzo and Heihachi glared at each other.

"Hours. Hours." Heihachi told her, "All my work gone in minutes, for hours of work. Don't touch it!"

Kyuzo raised an eyebrow, and challenged, "Make me."

Heihachi stared at her. Everyone was pretty sure they knew how this was going to turn out. There was no making Kyuzo do anything she didn't want to.

Until, well, Heihachi smiled and crossed his own arms, mimicking Kyuzo's pose, and said, "I'm going to talk about it. A lot."

"....?"

Heihachi smirked. "About how you love him."

This was no surprise to anyone. Everyone was pretty sure of the relationship between Kambei and Kyuzo. But they gasped nonetheless. Acknowledging it on a verbal level was completely off limits around Kyuzo.

Kyuzo's eyes widened, then narrowed.

"Oh, that's right." Heihachi nodded affirmingly. "I'll walk around repeating it over and over again, that Kyuzo loves Kambei."

Kyuzo's face began to turn red, a very dangerous expression shadowing her face.

Heihachi taunted. "Kyuzo and Kambei, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage."

Kyuzo was positively fuming. No one dared laugh or make any sort of comment. Her eyes were fixed on Heihachi, who showed no signs of relenting. In truth, they were very fearful for Heihachi's life.

And, accordingly, Kyuzo drew her swords.

"Oh, sure." Heihachi laughed. "Take out your swords. Because you simply must show off your skills for your boyfriend."

Kyuzo twitched, then proceeded to do something no one had ever seen.

She threw her swords to the side. Instead of butchering Heihachi with her katanas, she cracked her knuckles, quite ready to pummel Heihachi with her own fists.

"Fine, then." Heihachi removed his own sword, and challenged as he flexed out his shoulders, "Come on, Kyuzo, make me stop telling them that you love Shimada Kambei."

As could be imagined, this didn't end particularly well.

Shichiroji sighed and pressed a cold cloth to Heihachi's black eye. Across the room, Kambei was bandaging a scrape on Kyuzo's arm.

"I can't believe you two are being so immature." Kambei remarked.

"He/She started it." The two of them snapped in unison, shot a glare at the other, and turned back the other way.

Kambei and Shichiroji sighed an exchanged a weary glance. Kyuzo was moody enough, but Heihachi apparently had quite the temper himself.

"You're just bitter because you can't cook rice for Kambei." Heihachi muttered.

"...." Kyuzo lifted her eyebrow before retorting, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Okay, then you're bitter that Kambei can't cook rice for you."

"...That's the second dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Fine, deny it." Heihachi stuck out his tongue. "But stay away from my machines from now on."

"You can't make me."

"Hmph."

There might be a second part to this one, because obviously it's inconclusive. I'm not sure it's a chapter that really needs concluding, it's just...weird. Don't take it seriously, at all. Especially considering both Heihachi and Kyuzo are pretty OOC.

Once again, this came from another conversation between me and Citizen Cobalt 1. :3