Forgiveness
The car ride to La Push was spent in mutual silence. It wasn't like the tense and uncomfortable silence between me and Edward before. This silence was natural and soothing. It helped me clear my mind and think about all the things I wanted to tell Jacob. I nestled into his side, his arm around me, and closed my eyes. I envisioned what it would be like with Jacob, and I smiled to myself. I knew Jacob was still hurt because of what I did, but he loved me, and I loved him. I was hoping that would be enough for him to forgive me.
"Wake up, Bella." Jacob was caressing my cheek with his scorching hand. It felt nice, comforting, like Jacob. My eyes fluttered open. Did I fall asleep? How long had I been asleep?
"Where are we?" As soon as I asked I knew it was a stupid question. Where else could we be except Jacob's garage where we spent months fixing up motorcycles together. Thinking about the past made my lungs close up. Things were so much simpler, nicer back then when it was just me and Jacob, before the whole werewolf thing, before the whole saving Edward thing.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Jacob started to move away from me to open his door. I grabbed his wrist to stop him. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay right here, stay right here with him. He returned his arm around my shoulders and sat back, leaning his head on the headrest and letting out a sigh.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I'm so sorry for leaving you. I just couldn't let him kill himself over me. I had to stop him." I tried to explain but it sounded like I was making excuses. Jacob listened quietly. I was hoping he was trying to understand. "When I stopped Edward from revealing himself he tried to kiss me." A low growl rumbled in Jacob's chest. I rested my hand on his heart and felt the vibrations. "When he kissed me you know what I saw?" I asked with a subtle lilt in my voice. I looked up into Jacob's face. He didn't look down at me. He just kept staring straight ahead, waiting to hear what I was going to say next. "I saw you. I saw you smiling at me. At that moment, all I wanted was to kiss you." I felt his eyes on me, on my eyes, my lips. I looked up at him. He had a pained expression on his face, like he was torn between what he was thinking and what he was feeling. I reached my hand up to touch his face. I ran my hand over his eyelids and moved down to grace his lips. I ran my fingers through his hair and held it there, trying to pull his face towards mine. He resisted. He kept his neck as straight as a board.
"Bella, I can't. I'm sorry. I can't go through this again. I know you are in love with Edward, not me. You're still mad at him for leaving. Give it time, Bella. You'll get over it and forgive him. You'll realize that you are still in love with him, and you'll want to be with him, not me." he said in a strained, choked voice. Tears rushed to my eyes. I had hurt him more than I could even imagine. I buried my head into his chest and wept. My heart hurt. I couldn't breath. I didn't want to breath. He rubbed my back slowly and gently. He laid his cheek on the top of my head. I put my arms around him and held him there, never wanting to let go. I felt Jacob's steady, soothing heartbeat and heard the whisper of his breath through his chest, something I could never do with Edward. I couldn't handle this anymore. The heat emanating from Jacob's massive body was stifling me. I needed to be in the chilly air where I could feel the wind rip through me. Where I could breath the air like cold water trickling down my throat.
I quickly sat up and yanked the door handle open. Jacob didn't try to stop me. I supposed he needed a break as well. The wind hit me like a slap in the face. I ran to my motorcycle and straddled the seat. Just before I could start the motorcycle Jacob picked me up into his arms and carried me to the house. I flung my arms and legs every which way, trying to get him to let me go. I needed to feel the wind rushing past me, my past, my present, my future rushing past me, turning everything into a blur. Turning my feelings into a blur until nothing was real, until nothing mattered. He calmly carried me into the house. It was pitch dark and yet Jacob maneuvered through the living room with ease. I quit fighting and let him take me wherever he was planning on taking me. As long as it was with him I didn't care where it was.
He kicked his bedroom door open with a bang and tenderly laid me on his bed. I scooted over so he could lay down next to me but instead of laying down he pulled the blanket over me.
"I'll call Charlie and let him know you're staying here tonight. I'm too tired to drive you back. Get some sleep." The last statement sounded harsh, it stung me, like a knife carving into my heart. He turned to leave.
"Stay with me." I pleaded. I didn't care if I sounded pathetic. "Please?" I pulled the blankets down a little ways so he could climb in under them with me. He turned around and looked at me for a long second. He sighed to himself and pulled his shirt off. He flung it across the room and kicked his shoes off. He grabbed the blanket and pulled it up so he could get underneath it. He turned on his side facing away from me. I laid on my side facing his back. I cautiously put my arm around his waist, anxious to see what he would do. He didn't move. He didn't have any kind of reaction. I scooted closer to him so my body molded against his. He relaxed and sunk closer to me. I yawned. His warmth made my eyes heavy. I closed them and felt a wave of sleep wash over me.
The sun was blinding as I slowly opened my eyes. I reached out to touch Jacob to make sure he was still here with me. I grasped at air and blanket. I sat up with a start and looked around the room. Where could he be? It was still early. I heard a wolf's yowl outside and got on my knees to look out the window. I saw Jacob stalking out of the trees toward the house, his face in a stern and frustrated grimace.