I'm not that boy?

Inspired by Sawnahh's Cinderella2-fanvid "I'm not that girl". Not as tragic, though.

This is Hitsu's POV for storyline (9), "After the Fact".

Main characters: Hitsugaya Toushiro, Kurosaki Karin, Hisagi Shuuhei/Kurosaki Yuzu

Genre: Tragedy, Friendship, Romance, Happy Ending

Those puppydog eyes had been annoying as pure hell. It wasn't that Hisagi-fukutaichou was a bad guy to have a crush on; although I'd admit any day that this was annoying too, long before I knew why… it was just the fact that someone like her looked so stupid trying to get him to notice her. The fact that she'd turn from reasonable and fun into a stammering idiot if so much as Hisagi's name was mentioned. It had happened before – Hinamori and Aizen were a good example, and look how that turned out.

After that, it had been the depressive phases of denial and dejection, once she realised that the flowers her love interest brought were never for her. So maybe her mind was addled with whatever, but her eyes were still painfully functional. And so I could only watch as Kurosaki Karin, brave and strong, turned away with a false smile on her lips. Her father noticed, I'm sure, but he'd become more of a non-interventionist with his daughter after his fit of rage over her introduction to Soul Society.

"Hey Kurosaki," I'd say, and she'd grin and say hello back and suggest a game of football or some Hollow hunting. Or she'd turn away and there'd be that look on her face that said she couldn't go because he'd be coming by to say hello to her sister. Stupid man.

And then there was the week that the engagement became official. She'd been waiting for it for ages, of course. Her brain had caught up with the rest of her.

The day of the wedding was frenzied, so I took no part in it. Even the usual game of watching from afar or when she wasn't looking had to be postponed until evening, when she did a very good job indeed of looking happy. Whether Kurosaki Yuzu was a cold-hearted woman, something Karin would definitely deny, or completely blind to her sister's needs for one reason or another, I couldn't tell. There were many eyes on the brilliant bride, but quite a few wistful eyes wishing that the dark-haired beauty sister had stayed longer.

She didn't notice the rest of them any more than she did mine.

The night grew darker, as did her face. I'd been getting ready to drag Matsumoto back to the barracks when she practically stormed out of the building, although it was a very tightly controlled storm. It was a pain, but I'd sworn not to act as stupid over her as she'd done over Hisagi-kun. Still, nothing wrong with keeping an eye on a friend in distress if she didn't know to mind.

Apparently she had increased her skill range to include shunpo. If Isshin figured out someone taught her that, he'd probably find the person out and partially rip their head from their shoulders. My old taichou wasn't the most understanding of men, when it came to protecting his daughter. He'd probably only let Hisagi-kun be because he couldn't tear him to pieces without making both his daughters even more miserable. And the old coot had loved their mother enough to leave everything for her, too.

And then there was the glade. Nice place, I thought, wondering how she'd found it.

"Aaah, what is wrong with this place?!"

I almost jumped out of my hide, thinking she'd noticed someone following her. It would've been unusual to have anyone sense me while I tried to stay hidden, but she always threw me off a bit.

"What is wrong with me?"

Well, there were many answers to that kind of question, but she'd have to find them on her own. In my opinion, there was only one answer, but that wouldn't help her any.

"I'm a Kurosaki, something like this won't get me down. Come on, I'll take you all on!" Well, talking to herself wasn't brilliant, but it was so very Karin-like. "Damn. Why am I being such an idiot? She's happy, everybody's happy, I should be bloody happy."

Stupid train of thought, that, but it was what I'd come to expect when she thought of that damn man, after all. "I'm happy. My sister, my twin sister has married the man of her dreams and I. Am. Happy." Her mauling the tree probably did her good, but she was going a bit overboard. I silently slipped out of my hiding spot, careful not to go within her line of sight. "I'm HAPPY goddamnit!"

"Then stop crying," I said. She was really just being stupid. It was hard not to stare at the blood seeping from her knuckles. A little more and she could've done permanent damage, but she didn't seem to mind.

"I'm not crying!"'Of course not' was my instinctive, sarcastic response, but her eyes widening just a little at the sight of me kept me silent. "Aw crap."

Would she rather have been stopped by a stranger? Or anyone else, specifically? If anything, she looked like she wanted to be somewhere else.

As if my body had just been waiting to betray me, my arms decided to act on their own, cradling her in a stiff embrace. Her fighting just made me sure that if I let her go, she'd continue hurting herself. A little embarrassment was okay in the face of that. When she relaxed and leaned her forehead on my shoulder, my heart nearly stopped.

"Toushiro…" Sweet, illogical heaven, to hear her whisper that. I straightened, unable to make more than just a noise.

"Mm?"

"Spar with me?" Unexpected, but better than her trying to sneak off and do more damage to her unsuspecting knuckles.

It was good. She had improved over the last year and it had been a while since we had practiced together.

"You need to up your game."

And what a stupid thing that was. I felt no need to go faster, but apparently she did. I tried taking it slowly toward a quicker, deadlier match, but she would have none of the careful increase. She nearly took my arm off the first time she showed that her shunpo wasn't just for show.

"You have been training." How good was she? I needed to know.

She was good and she had improved, but she still had much to give. The conclusion was simply to take it back down to a level where she'd learn optimally. I should've known Kurosaki Karin would settle for nothing less than the hardest she could take.

"Don't do that. Don't go so slow." Slow? I wasn't going at any real speed, true, but she wasn't equipped to handle…

"I'm following your speed." It slipped past my lips, unasked.

"That's… not the point. I need you… to help me break my limit." If my comment had been useless, hers betrayed more than she expected. Still, I couldn't bring myself to deny her the relief.

Until I cut her, and suddenly wanted to kill myself for not paying attention, or forcing her to go slower.

"What was that?"

She set her chin defiantly.

"I failed to sidestep in time, what did it look like?" I couldn't stop a menacing glare from going her way. Stupid answer to a stupid question and everything was upside down and on its very head.

"…Sometimes I forget you never went to the Academy." Not that an Academy student would've done better, but she couldn't know that. "Try not to leave yourself completely open when you dodge, next time. Now let me take a look at that." At first, it was a command from a superior to one of his soldiers. Something I could have said to Matsumoto or any one of my squad members. I had their safety and well-being on my neck, so I usually couldn't really be bothered with what I saw of them.

"What? No!"

Karin was, of course, another matter, but I pulled myself together enough. If there was one person she'd do anything for, or so it seemed, it was her twin.

"Don't be a fool. Do you want to have to explain to Fourth why you've got a slash wound touched with frostbite on your sister's wedding day?"

"I… damn you." Good. She'd be all right, come what may. Some part of me needed to be put to the back of my head, where it should've been locked up for good.

Her unusually fumbling hands at the cold and stiff obi gave me images in my head that would've earned me a duel against her father if he ever found out. The way she flushed a bright red as she pushed the cloth aside made me swallow hard.

"Don't worry, I'll be quick." It was as much as I could say without getting worked up over nothing. Nothing, I reminded myself. I focussed on the wound and the kidou needed to close it up. Chest wounds always bled the worst. The half-entranced look on her face as I finished up was reward enough.

"Ugh." Yes, that cold and sticky material would be a mess to live with, especially with Hyorinmaru's chill still in the night air, even though I hadn't released him. It was making things worse. I would have to control my reiatsu better, she was shivering.

"Come on, looks like you need to get changed." I extended a hand before I even thought twice, expecting her to ignore it as soon as I realised what I'd done. It was a bit of a shock when she actually grabbed it and allowed me to help her up. Very unlike her, but I wasn't about to question why she'd suddenly gone logical. She was thinking too much, that much was obvious on her face. About her skills, no doubt, and her perceived failure a moment ago.

"You're already at the same level as a seated officer. Whatever you're afraid you can't handle, just get stronger until you can."

And then her hand… chilly against my cheek, it was a miracle for a fragile moment.

"Ah, I'm so stupid." I looked at her as if she'd just somehow managed to tie herself in a knot. It was true and not. But she laughed at me! "I'm sorry, Toushiro! That was just so… you." So me? To be what? "Oh, don't be so stiff." Stiff. Yes, of course, the thing that made some brush my shoulder 'by accident' every time they met me, and others avoid me like I was the plague.

And she hugged me. Sending all the wrong signals. It would be best to get away.

"What are you doing? We should get you back to your rooms so you can get changed."

"I know, I know. I just realised something." The weight on my shoulder and the skin so close to mine… I found myself struggling to breathe, unwanted hope clogging my veins. She was just being friendly and I was getting the wrong idea.

"All right, what then?"

"I've been looking for something I had right in front of me all along." If she did mean what it sounded like, I would be the happiest man alive. If she didn't, at least she wasn't setting me up for complete and utter failure. It was good to have a physical action to take.

"Let's go. Now I have to change, too."

"Woah! Sorry about that." For a moment flustered, she picked herself up sooner than I'd expected. Maybe it was all imagination and she only needed to get a change of clothes. "C'mon then." So I did.

She had figured out a way of getting to their door with little risk of being seen. I found myself wondering why she'd see the need for something like that, but she only answered my wordless question with a happy grin.

The rooms were good, but I had to actually exercise my restraint to not look at everything in it. Her privacy was her own.

"Don't peek." Well, so she trusted me that far, huh? It didn't much matter. It took energy to resist looking around, though, and time seemed to drag into eternity.

"Aren't you finished soon?" Having come along was not very bright and it would've been better to have stayed outside, at the very least.

"Why did you even come along if you're just going to complain?" Well, why? Because there was no end to thinking about her, I figured, but saying that was not an option.

"Pfft, it's not as if I asked to be…" And she stepped out, wearing something form-fitting and probably too small if I'd known anything about clothes sizes other than my own and Matsumoto's; the former always big enough and the latter always a bit too small. My fukutaichou's too-small dresscode had never left me breathless, however.

"What?"

"What is that?" It sounded ridiculous, but it needed to be asked. Maybe her blush was from embarrassment, but why would she have changed into that then? Either that, or she'd somehow…

"It's just clothes, I didn't have anything else clean. Ihaven'tfoundthelaundryroomyet." The last sentence or two was blurry, even though I tried keeping my head on straight.

"What did you say?"

"I haven't found the laundry room yet!" Ah. Nevermind that those clothes were from a completely different wardrobe than anything I'd ever seen her wear before…

"Still… I suppose I didn't consider your taste so… extravagant."

"It's not! Yuzu packed my bags damnit!" So that was the catch. Guilt-tinged sister with a penchant for unexpected kindness toward random… gods, the fact that she had me gobsmacked and trying hard to find my center was the only thing keeping me from laughing. "It's not my fault these things are so damn tight and uncomfortable." She pulled at it, explaining. "It's way too tight over the chest; my punk-ass twin says it looks good, but I just think it looks weird. It's not as if I want the attention, either!"

Right. And I'd best remember that. Even though it was a bummer to even try to remember the most basic things, like blinking.

"Uh, yeah. They are kind of… tight." 'Tight' wasn't the word. It was a word, but not the word. I wasn't sure what was, only that my cheeks were finally blushing despite my efforts to the contrary. I had to get her out of that attire, before I did something I'd regret. "I have a spare set of shihakusho if you want to borrow. Should be about the right size." It was hard to look in her eyes and act like her presence was nothing.

"I couldn't…" Oh no.

"I'd really rather you did."

"Yeah. Maybe you're right." One part was insanely relieved to hear that. Another was more than a bit disappointed. There was something about her chest, too, the reminder of her wound and the unguarded glance I'd let slip past my defences then.

"Let's go." It was all I could do to keep my composure.

"Don't treat me like a baby, Toushiro! So what if I can't keep up with your speed? I'll just follow your trail and get there anyway." Oh, I was treating her like a baby, attempting not to fall over my own toes knowing she was behind me? It made me furious, scared that she'd notice and scared if she'd reciprocate. I never was very good with people.

"Stop trying so hard. I know you're good, but it's obvious that you're still exhausted from earlier, so don't complain." So close, my body wouldn't move because if I reached out my hand just… no. I glared at her, willing it to burn.

"Isn't that rather my problem to worry about and yours to ignore?" Well, whatever I'd needed to bring me back to the ground, that had done it.

"No. I'm your friend." That was not the whole truth, but it was a truth our friendship could handle. I brought her through my personal garden, cursing myself for my weakness. "I figured you might like this place. During the day, our people often come here to socialize, but in the evening it's usually empty." Gone tourguide? Silly.

"Thanks… I think." I wasn't sure I deserved a thanks for that.

She looked around curiously as we entered the room. Shihakusho. Something to focus on.

"You can change here, I'll be in the office. It's just next door so you can come around and knock when you're done." I walked out, trying not to tremble. A quick change in the office, hoping to whatever powers had watched over me so far that neither of us did anything stupid.

She lingered. Every minute made me nervous. Not only could people start pouring in, drunk, any moment, but the mere act of waiting was getting to me. Forcing feet and legs to remain still for another while, I stood my ground against the nervousness.

It wasn't as easy as planned, leaving me pacing silently in the corridor outside my room as I suddenly heard her surprised whimper. My hand was on the door, about to open it, and only years of trained restraint made it knock instead.

"Karin! Are you all right?"

"I just fell, it's not like I'd die from the shock or anything." A moment later, she opened the door. "I am finished changing though, so I suppose I should get out of your face."

Out of my face? She was hanging out in my slightly oversized shihakusho, looking no less a goddess than before, and thought she was being a bother?

"You're not in the way. Don't ever assume you are." Well, that had come out unexpectedly. My brain was doing loops around itself, trying to figure this moment out, but refused to actually reach any conclusions. She looked just as confused, though, which made it a little easier.

"Whatever. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. I think I'd better leave…" No. All things leading up to here, and her perhaps never returning to this place made it easier to give in.

"Karin… don't go." Despite knowing exactly where it had come from, meaning it with every scrap of honesty in my soul, I couldn't believe I'd said that. At least it was done, though. I'd never need to say it again, assuming she shook her head and left. Only, she didn't.

Did she… look hopeful?

"Toushiro, are you saying what I think you're saying?" Where words failed me, my reflexes won out. "Good," she conceded, making my heart do little turnabout loops and quisling moves in my chest. "I would have hated leaving like that." And… she'd said that, too.

I'm not sure how it happened, but she was in my arms and doing the most wonderful things to my mind, in less than a moment. I managed to halt myself, to spend some common decency on her despite wanting so much more.

"Is this what you want?" The way she smirked and pulled at my clothes suggested that maybe I wouldn't have to be jealous anymore.

"Just shut up." It was such a typical thing for her to say I couldn't help but be silently amused. She laughed, trilling brilliantly, and I wished she would never stop.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Perhaps I'd get around to telling her, how annoying her puppydog eyes had been. How much I wanted her to turn them back into the sparkles they usually were. Or maybe I'd remind her that fairy tale princes rarely were what you expected and wanted them to be. It didn't matter. If I got the chance, it would be mine to do with as I pleased.

And with a little bit of luck, I'd wake up holding her in the morning.