A/N: same disclaimers as the last chapter.
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{Fade in from black- Swooping shot of contestants on stage. Rotating wall now on side of stage. Swooping shot of Judges Table. Close-up on HENRY}
HENRY- Annnd we are back! and are charging blindly forward into Round One.
[Applause]
HENRY- But first, I'm going to explain how the points are given out here. At the end of each category, the contestants are given points, four points for first place, three points for second place, two points for third place, and one point for dead [Audience chuckles] last. With that out of the way, back to round one.
[Audience applauds]
HENRY-It's not who you are, but who you know in round one. Most vampires have them, and that is usually what all the fan girls, and the occasional fan boy love about our four fine contestants. So, for the first category, it's all about their dysfunctional love-lives. Let's start off round one with Spike. Spike?
SPIKE- Yeah?
HENRY- Why don't you tell us the name of your sweetheart?
SPIKE- That'd be Buffy Summers.
HENRY- And what is the major dysfunction of this relationship?
SPIKE- That's a bit obvious, innit? I mean, well, she's human, for one. And she is the Chosen One, ya'know? The Vampire Slayer. .. [Glances over at the rotating wall]
[Rotating wall turns and reveals HARMONY]
HARMONY – The Slayer?! Ugh! Blondie Bear! How could you?! Ugh! That's just - Ugh!
[HARMONY storms off the stage. SPIKE looked over at Henry. Jerk thumb in direction HARMONY left]
SPIKE- Why the bloody hell was she behind the wall?
HENRY- Well, we couldn't get a hold of Buffy in Italy, but the Immortal sends his regards.
SPIKE- [eyes watering] She's still with the Immortal? [Hangs head and covers face with hand]
[Audience awwws]
HENRY- Alright! Moving along. Lestat, why don't you give us the name of the person behind the wall.
LESTAT- Rowan Mayfa…no, Quinn...No wait, David. No, Mona! Gabrielle. Is it my mother, Gabrielle?...David?..Marius?...Marius? No wait, Armand..Dora?...No, Gretchen! It is most definitely…David?
[LOUIS comes out from behind the wall and leaves the stage]
LESTAT- Louis! Louis! I-I-I knew it was you! Louis? Louis, I was kidding! Honestly! Louis? LOOOOUIS! [Runs after LOUIS]
HENRY- Well…I guess we can see what their dysfunction is…
[Audience laughs]
HENRY- Next, Edward, your lover is...
EDWARD- Bella Swan.
HENRY- Bella Swan. Such a pretty name. So your dysfunction is…
EDWARD- She's human…
HENRY- …anything else?
EDWARD- I really want to drink her blood.
[Murmurs in the audience]
HENRY- Well, I will remind the audience that Edward is unable to take little drinks from humans; one bite from this particular type of vampire can make you one as well. So keep in mind that this is quite a problem in their relationship.
[LESTAT comes back on stage, dragging a very cross looking LOUIS. They stand beside each other, but LOUIS is glaring at something off stage with arms crossed]
HENRY- So lets bring out Bella…
[Rotating wall turns revealing BELLA. BELLA walks over to EDWARD and hold hands. EDWARD gives BELLA a chaste kiss on the forehead]
HENRY- Adorable. Zillah?
ZILLAH – My darling lover is Nothing. And before you even ask, our dysfunction, as you probably see it, is that Nothing in my son.
[Startled gasps from the Audience]
HENRY – Let's bring out Nothing.
[Rotating wall turns and reveals walks over to ZILLAH. They give each other a long open mouthed kiss.]
[Audience applauds]
HENRY- Fantastic. Judges?
[Cut to Judges Table]
PUSSY - Well, first off, I'd love to say that you each have beautiful beaus. But, and this is my least favorite part of this job, you know...
HENRY- I know.
PUSSY- and we have chosen a winner. Spike, I'm soooo sorry to have to say this, but since you and Buffy are no longer an actual couple, I am afraid you come in last. One point.
[SPIKE nods, and the audience applauds politely]
PONYBOY- Edward, I can see your concerns with the relationship, but it's not the worst situation out there, ya know? It's actually quite a common problem with vampire-human relationships. Two points for you, this round, man.
[EDWARD nods and BELLA pats him on the back. Audience applauds politely.]
BRODIE- Lestat, none of us here on this jury understand how the hell you and Louis are still together. But you only got second place, pal. Three points.
[LESTAT pouts. Audience applauds]
LOUIS- Can I go now?
HENRY – No.
MUNCH- Now Zillah…I don't know what bothers me more…that you're sleeping with an underage boy or the fact that he's your son…both is illegal and wrong. Congrats, you are in the lead with 4 points.
[Audience applauds. ZILLAH puts arm around NOTHING]
HENRY- Our next category, we're looking for the vampire with the best teacher. The one who shaped them into the vampires we love today. Since Zillah has no one in this category, which automatically puts him dead last. We are going to skip right to Lestat. Lestat, who is behind that wall for you?
LESTAT- Marius? Yes, yes, of course it's Marius!
HENRY – Well, lets see...
[Rotating wall turns and reveals MARIUS. MARIUS walks over to join LESTAT and LOUIS]
LOUIS- Oh, you got that one right on the first try, Lestat.
LESTAT- Well, I really only ever had one —ooooh, I'm not walking into that one.
HENRY – Good idea.
[Audience applauds]
HENRY - Edward. Who do you have?
EDWARD – My father, Carlisle Cullen.
[Rotating wall turns and reveals CARLISLE. Loud cat calls from female audience members. CARLISLE walks over to join EDWARD and BELLA]
HENRY- Annd Spike. Spike, who's behind that wall?
SPIKE – [sighs] Well, I know it's not Dru back there. So it's probably Captain Forehead…
[Rotating wall turns to reveal ANGEL standing there. ANGEL crosses stage to join SPIKE. They ignore each other]
HENRY- Great group we have up here. Judges?
[Cut to Judges Table]
PUSSY – Oooh, Lestat! You're in Third place. And it is entirely your own fault! Marius has to be the greatest vampire specimen there is! His intelligent, sophisticated, and always very much in control. He could teach anyone, and they would turn about splendidly! But you! You are sooo stubborn, dearie! You didn't listen, and now you only get two points.
[Audience applauds and LESTAT laughs slightly, MARIUS rolls his eyes at LESTAT]
BRODIE – Edward, man. I have to say Carlisle did a fairly decent job raising you. Really you're a good guy, but I think he must have been lacking somewhere. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ, man. You're all like ' Waa, I'm bad because I'm a vampire. I'm dangerous, so I have to act all moody'. You never really accepted it. Work on it. Three Points.
[EDWARD nods. CARLISLE puts hand on EDWARD's shoulder. Audience applauds.]
MUNCH – I know, I know, when you first were turned, Angel, Angelus, whatever, taught you to be evil and violent and heartless and what not. But you were a damn good student. You picked it up and you went with it. As William the Bloody you may have been in Angeles's shadow, but once he got his soul, you were able to make it on your own as Spike. That's the sign of a good teacher. Four points.
[SPIKE and ANGEL exchange glances. SPIKE raises hand for high-five. ANGEL doesn't high-five. ANGEL gives SPIKE blank look. SPIKE lowers arm. Audience Applauds.]
HENRY – And this brings us to our next break. So far, it's all tied up at five points each. But there are still three more categories before the end of round one. Coming Up, we'll be looking the most kick ass posse, who has the better 'old fogie' [Audience and HENRY laughs] and, of course we want to know, who had the best nemesis. We'll be right back after this commercial for FANGTASIA: The bar with bite!
[Fades out]
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My favorite Angel season was season five. Harm if you have seen episode two of season five, you can pretty much hear what Harm is saying. The noise she made was too funny for me to leave out.
Also a good episode in Season five to check out is The Girl In Question. You may need to see it to get the Buffy/Immortal joke. I know in that episode it wasn't Spike that almost started crying for comedic purpose, it was Angel, but still.
I'm not going into great detail when I introduce the new people, but most people should already know the backstories here. And if you don't, I'm sorry.
Marius is like, on my top ten vampires ever, so is Carlisle.
I'm not trying to bash any characters more than any other ones. I know I may have seemed a bit harsh on Edward in that last category, but it wasn't me, it was Brodie Bruce, Xp. And really, Lestat is too much of a brat to have done well in that category.
FANGTASIA is the bar own by ERIC NORTHMAN, who is owned by Charlaine Harris. That's the Sookie Stackhouse novels (Or if you haven't read any of those books (which I suggest you do if you haven't) from TRUE BLOOD TV series on HBO)