FUBAR
Chapter six
"Um, I think I overstayed my welcome, Wilhelm." Berger began to back out of Klink's quarters.
"Schultz!" Klink yelled for the sergeant, who had returned. "Get the major's coat."
Klink, now nursing a tension headache, was seated on the sofa. The table had not been cleared and Hogan's half-eaten apple torte was still on his plate. Klink waited for Becker to leave and then called over the sergeant. "Go check on Hogan's condition and then come right back. Wait. I gave explicit instructions not to be disturbed. There better be a good explanation for how both Sergeant Kinchloe and the medic showed up at the same time."
"There was a fight in the barracks. The prisoners thought there was a plant. One of the new prisoners, Kommandant."
"New prisoners? There are no new prisoners in that barracks. Hogan moved them."
"It was Boswell, Kommandant."
Klink was very confused. First a huge fight in the barracks over a suspected German plant, and then the medic shows up. "I didn't call for the medic," he insisted.
Obviously, Schultz thought. Hogan's men did. "Well someone did, Kommandant, and he came."
"He came. I must've call for the medic." Klink waved off the confusion. "Get out."
Almost every time I'm involved in a plot to get information, Klink realized, something goes wrong. And Colonel Hogan is in the middle of it. Propaganda radio broadcasts. He makes a fool of the British woman. More propaganda broadcasts. Recordings go up in smoke. A German plant sent to camp and made a fool of. A nasty by-the-book sergeant. Wait, no, I wanted him out as well. Cat fights between female Gestapo agents, a vacuum cleaner instead of a bomb site... I have to stay out of the espionage business, Klink concluded as he walked into the bathroom to get some aspirin.
He then mulled over what Schultz had told him about the fight in Barracks two. The prisoners accused another newer prisoner, one of those privates that showed up several weeks ago, Klink recalled, of being a plant. A seed of suspicion was now germinating in Klink's brain. A plant? Could it possibly be true? Hogan had reacted very strangely when those two had arrived. He even transferred the men out, just to keep the two in his barracks. Why? To keep an eye on them; obviously, and then he transferred them back. But, why wasn't I told? Because it's the Gestapo and Hochstetter hates me. Actually, the feeling is mutual, Klink decided. Are they after me? Klink began to get paranoid. Can't be, he convinced himself. I have a perfect record. No, the plants are looking for Allied information. He was sure of it. Why not? We're going to need all the help we can get, now that the Allies were marching across the continent. Klink's thoughts were interrupted by Schultz, who came in to report on Hogan's condition.
"The medic reports that Colonel Hogan is recovering and resting comfortably, Kommandant."
Klink was relieved. "Schultz, I'm going to bed. Clean up this mess."
************
Six rescued flyers were successfully brought back to camp that night. As a reward for the rapt attention paid to the dinner party, Boswell was elected to go out with the team, while Garrett stayed behind in case of a radio transmission. Hogan got a good night's rest and everyone woke up the next morning in a more chipper mood. That was, until Klink requested the presence of two privates in his office the following morning.
"How are you feeling this morning, Colonel Hogan? Better, I hope."
"Yes, sir. Nothing a good night's sleep couldn't cure. I took something for a headache and something for a cold and then I drank the wine. Mixing drugs and alcohol. Not good." Hogan was glad to see Klink flinch.
"I'm glad you are feeling better." Klink swallowed, and then pointed to the door. "Now leave, I didn't send for you. It's them I wish to speak with. Privates, sit down."
Hogan protested. "Kommandant, I have a right to be here as the prisoners' representative."
"Out!" Klink again pointed to the door.
"I don't think I'm feeling so well."
"Hogan, out, or I'll revoke all privileges."
"I…" Hogan gave up and walked out.
Klink looked at the two bewildered agents. "So, gentlemen, I understand you were involved in the fight last night in Barracks two?"
"Yes, sir," Boswell said cautiously. "We were accused of being plants. It's not true, sir."
"No, of course not." Klink, his voice now at a higher pitch, took on a conspiratorial tone. "Preposterous. Out of the question. If you have a problem like this again, you can report it to me, and I'll take care of it."
"Thank you, sir," Garrett answered.
"You're welcome. And remember, my door is always open." Klink responded in German.
Boswell and Garrett stared blankly ahead.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Klink laughed. "Don't know what came over me." He repeated the previous sentence in English, got up and opened the door. Boswell and Garrett left the building.
"He thinks we're plants, Colonel." Garrett told Hogan a few minutes later.
"I know. We heard the tail end of the conversation." Hogan looked amused. "That's better than the alternative. I was afraid he might have finally recognized you two, after all these months, but as usual, you can't overestimate our Kommandant." Hogan, who for once was paying attention to Wilson, took a sip of the water he was drinking. "Let it go. Let's see how it plays out."
"Colonel," Olsen poked his head out of Hogan's office. "Klink is calling Hochstetter."
Hogan sighed. "Oh, great." He went back into his office.
"Who is Hochstetter?" Garrett, who had followed Hogan, asked.
"The local Gestapo chief," Hogan replied. "Blames me for everything from blowing up bridges to the mass extinction of the dinosaurs." Hogan and the two agents joined everyone else who had crowded around the coffee pot.
"I made contact with them, Major, but I did not let them know I knew they were your men and their secret is safe with me and you have my cooperation," Klink said in one breath.
" Klink! You're talking gibberish."
"Gibberish. Yes, Major. I understand."
"I don't. Why don't you try explaining it to me one more time." Hochstetter rolled his eyes and popped an antacid.
"I discovered who the plants were. That you sent here as prisoners, a few weeks ago."
"I didn't send anyone, Klink. And what proof do you have that these two…"
"Privates."
"Are plants?"
"Well. I…"
"Klink. If they are plants, they'll deal with things on their own. If they aren't, you deal with them. I'm too busy for this nonsense."
Hochstetter slammed down the phone, which only served to make Klink more paranoid.
"Either he's lying, and these plants are from the Gestapo to get information from the prisoners, or they are here to get information about me." Klink, now feeling a bit shaky, poured himself a drink and yelled for his aide.
**********
"You two have overstayed your welcome."
"But, Colonel, our mission!"
"Colonel, Garrett's right. Our orders were to wait here for instructions. A mission so crucial we couldn't take the chance of it being in our heads if we were caught."
"Sorry. You've now attracted attention, and I can't take the chance of Hochstetter indulging Klink's fantasies and showing up here to question you two. He's not as dumb as Klink is."
"We can handle a Gestapo agent, Colonel."
Hogan wasn't paying attention to their protests. "I'll be arranging for a transfer to another camp for both of you. We'll have the truck ambushed, you'll come back here and then we'll get you out." Hogan opened the door leading to the common room. "Go back to your barracks and stay there until you hear from one of us, and don't do anything to draw attention."
"But the radio, Colonel…"
"We'll monitor the transmissions. If something comes through before you leave, we'll change the plans."
"This is not good," Garrett observed, as he and Boswell walked across the compound.
"This whole mission has been a mess. Oh, and Schultz is following us. Klink must have sent him to spy on us." Boswell pointed to the guard who was unsuccessfully tailing the two agents. "You'd think Klink would use someone who took up less space."
"Wonderful." Garrett held his stomach and grimaced.
"You okay, buddy?"
"I need an antacid," Garrett complained.