Fubar
Chapter 7
"But, Colonel!" Boswell protested to no avail. After the previous day's calamity, in which they attracted the attention of the Kommandant and possibly the Gestapo, the two OSS agents were demoralized, frustrated and more than annoyed. They felt that they were not being treated appropriately, considering their experience.
"Do I need to send you two with an escort?" Hogan was now getting angry.
"No, sir." The two men, defeated and seething, obeyed and meekly left the barracks.
Schultz wasn't the only one following the two agents the rest of that day and the next, during their trips to the latrine and mess hall. They were now constantly tailed by other prisoners, most likely assigned by their barrack's chiefs, who had been brought up to speed by Hogan's staff. And to make matters even worse, Klink had assigned two guards to follow them all over the place.
The Germans tailing them were quickly noticed by the set of allied prisoners tailing them, who were, of course, noticed by the two spies, who felt that they had somehow fallen down a rabbit hole.
Being assigned to separate barracks, Boswell and Garrett barely saw each other. Every time they tried to connect during an exercise period, someone or something would get in the way. Finally, after three days of this nonsense, they had both had enough and were willing to face Hogan's wrath. Once they managed to find themselves in the latrines at the same time, they silently signaled to each other and headed over to Hogan's barracks.
Followed by their assigned tails, two guards and two American corporals, they attempted to barrel through the door. The guards and the corporals stood back and waited.
LeBeau opened the door, letting Boswell and Garrett fall clumsily into the room. "Saw you coming. Colonel Hogan is in his office." LeBeau pointed. "He's in a bad mood," he warned them.
"Well now." Hogan stared down at the two, who had been told to sit and shut up. "Hochstetter's on his way. Seems Klink is suspicious and paranoid."
"Klink is harmless," Boswell grunted.
"Harmless? Where do you think we are, Boswell? A training camp? Klink is out for number one. And he is easily manipulated. But if there is a higher authority figure to back him up or give orders, he usually caves. And he's still German, and he's not a pacifist. He's turned his own countrymen over to the SS or Gestapo. Look what he agreed to do to me a few nights ago! He's knowingly agreed to turn someone he thought was a British officer over to the Gestapo to be conveniently eliminated!" (1) Hogan waited for a reaction.
"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't…" Garrett stammered.
"He's a scared animal," Hogan said quietly, "And they're dangerous when cornered. I could have you both thrown into the cooler for insubordination. I could have Wilson drug you into oblivion. Now, I have Hochstetter coming. So much for a staged transfer," Hogan thought out loud, and continued with his tirade."Where do you think we are? A country club?"
"Well, Colonel, that's what we actually thought, when we were sent…"
You could now hear a pin drop. "Oops." Garrett, the offender, and his cohort, started backing away.
"We'll be going now?" Boswell asked.
"Get out." Hogan turned, deliberately ignoring the two.
"Hold on! What do you want from us, sir? We didn't ask to get assigned here, you know." Garrett, who was normally the calm one, was now determined to defend his honor. His voice became dangerously raised.
"Watch your tone with me Garrett! And I wasn't asked about you either," Hogan retorted. "And who knew your handlers could be so uncoordinated, again, and send you out here weeks in advance. This isn't a chain of hotels, where you can just pay and then check in and out. Military intelligence. Like I've said before, it's an oxymoron!"
"Boy. Hope they don't start getting physical." The men of barracks two could hear the raised voices. LeBeau tsked and shook his head. "And they seemed to be getting along."
"They've been noticed, remember?" Olsen pointed out. "Now Colonel Hogan's perceived them as a threat to the operation, and to us."
The three weren't done with the argument. "Oh, look who's talking! Special operations. It's their fault we were sent here on a wild goose chase and almost had you gift-wrapped and sent back to England for a court-martial," Boswell nicely pointed out.
"Their fault? Ha! Their fault?" Hogan answered. "Your bunch of bozos didn't investigate properly. I could have been killed!"
"Come on, Colonel," Garrett stepped in between the two. "We told you we wouldn't have done that."
"I think we should be going." Boswell grabbed his partner's arm.
Hogan stopped them. "You both may have a chance to put on your spy hats if Hochstetter decides to conduct an interrogation."
"He wouldn't."
"He's never dragged anyone out of here, yet. Threatened to, but no. And Klink has to be there. Unless Hochstetter has proof we're not real prisoners. Come in," Hogan said to the tentative knock he heard at the door.
"Sorry, sir." Carter, who looked happy, poked his head in. "We intercepted one of your messages." He looked at Boswell and Garrett. "It said to standby for instructions tonight at midnight."
"Finally!" Garrett exclaimed. "Back to business." He high-fived his partner.
"Come down to the tunnels after lights out. Use your barrack's tunnel entrance." Hogan, who was relieved at the turn of events, felt his mood improve.
"What about Hochstetter, Colonel?"
"We'll play it by ear."
************
Klink, his crop under his arm, scurried out to the car and greeted the annoyed Gestapo major.
"Major Hochstetter," Klink groveled. "What a pleasure."
"You asked me to come, Klink." The major stomped up the stairs.
"You're correct." Klink opened his office door and followed behind Hochstetter.
"Get on with it. I'm busy."
"Busy. Yes, I'm sure you are. It's about the spies."
"Spies?"
"Two privates came into camp three weeks ago, Major. And from the very beginning, there was something odd about them."
Well, you should know odd when you see it. You're odd. "Your definition of odd, Klink, is what?" Hochstetter walked behind the desk and stared at the map. Klink turned around.
"It was Hogan. His reaction."
"Really?" Hochstetter turned and faced Klink. "And what was his reaction?"
"He was, he was... How can I describe it?"
"Try." Hochstetter studied his fingernails.
"He was acting like an officer. Yes, that's it." Klink nodded his head. Major?" Hochstetter was silent.
"I wasn't aware Hogan was an officer. Oh, wait. Klink. Those wings on his collar. Klink, you're wasting my time!"
"There's more. He made them do pushups. And then put them in his barracks to keep an eye on them. See, he must've had his suspicions from the time they showed up. Why else pay so much attention to two privates?" Klink removed two files off of his desk and held them out.
I might as well humor him to get this over with. "Klink, I know for a fact, the Gestapo didn't send anyone in, but I'll look at the files."
"Thank you, Major, I…"
The door swung open. "Kommandant, I really need to talk to you. Oh, hello, Major," Hogan said pleasantly. "Sir, I know it's not usually my place to request transfers, but…"
"What is this man doing here?"
"Hogan, how did you get in?" Klink looked at the now empty office. "Where's the guard?"
"What is this man doing here?"
"Hogan, can't you see I'm busy?"
"Truthfully, Kommandant, as I said… Oh, can I sit down? Thanks." Hogan plopped himself in a chair. "To tell you the truth, I'm still not feeling so hot, after the other night. Did you eat the torte? The dessert didn't agree with me, Major Hochstetter."
"About this transfer, Hogan. Go ahead, explain." Hochstetter's interest was now piqued.
"Two privates came in a few weeks ago," Hogan explained. "They're big trouble. We've already had a fight. I put them in my barracks to start out with to keep an eye on them. You see, I knew about them already, before I was…"
"Shot down?" Hochstetter said.
"Yeah."
"You see, Major?" Klink said triumphantly, "I told you!"
"Told you what, Major?" Hogan asked.
He thinks they're plants."
"Plants! You're joking!" Hogan laughed. "You're not joking," Hogan whispered to Klink. "Sir, your perfect record; I can't guarantee it will stay that way, if you catch my drift."
Hochstetter interrupted. "Why should Klink transfer two prisoners and pass off the problem to someone else?"
"Yes, Hogan. Why?" Klink asked.
"Before I answer that, I forgot. There was another reason I came." Hogan paused for effect. "Rumor control."
"What rumor?" Klink asked nervously. "What now?"
"Nasty." Hogan stood up. "Unauthorized interrogations being conducted on POWs in the Stalags. Use of new interrogation techniques. Drugs, etc. and so forth," Hogan said casually. "Makes the men nervous. Just need to put these things to rest. Now, this transfer, Boswell and Garrett… Oh, look there!" Hogan feigned surprise. "The files are right here."
"I'll see if I can send them to Stalag nine, Hogan."
"Just like that, Klink?" Hochstetter, who had been watching this with interest, was left wondering why Klink had caved. "About this rumor, Colonel Hogan?"
"Yes, Major. If it's true, it's against the Geneva Convention, and when the Red Cross comes for the next inspection, they may want to check it out. Anyway, thanks Kommandant. I'll be glad to get them out of here. Major," Hogan tipped his cap and walked out.
"Fascinating," Hochstetter mentioned to Klink, who had already pulled out the transfer papers and was about to place a call, which would be conveniently intercepted.
"You see, Major," Klink waved his finger at Hochstetter, "I told you. Even Hogan has his suspicions and he wants them out of here."
"Klink. This has been a complete waste of time. Although, I am interested in this rumor. If Hogan is correct, I should have known about these interrogations and experiments. They may be useful." Hochstetter made a mental note to investigate and left.
"Hochstetter's gone, Colonel," Olsen reported.
"About time. That's one headache taken care of. Klink's call to Stalag nine was intercepted by us," Hogan explained to Boswell and Garrett. "They nicely offered to come pick you up in one of their trucks, which will be driven by an Underground agent and two of our men. After you leave, you'll be coming back in through the tunnel and, ta-da! You're no longer any concern to the German POW system."
"Smooth, Colonel. Very smooth," Garrett said with admiration.
"Sounds better than an ambush," Boswell offered.
"Yeah, well. I use Klink's stupidity against him and there's always a risk with an ambush."
"Why, Colonel, I didn't know you cared," Garrett cracked.
*****************
"So long, Schultz." Both Boswell and Garrett waved to the sergeant.
Schultz, who was processing them when the truck pulled up, saw no signs of strife, insubordination, or hostility between the two privates and the other prisoners. Figuring the transfer was part of another one of Hogan's schemes; he kept quiet, said a quick farewell to the two privates and reported to Klink that the transfer was complete.
(1) There were several examples of Klink turning over other Germans to the Gestapo and SS. Think about the plant in the pilot, or Sergeant Franks. And, in "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to London," Klink knew that the real Roberts was to be eliminated. Klink also had no trouble trying to get information out of Hogan, via the use of bugs.