Smile

Mello:

My smiles are rare ones. Only Matt has seen me smile numerous times. Still, I don't smile enough. I didn't smile when you, Matt, told me countless jokes. I didn't smile when there was that one time I beat Near in Rankings. I didn't smile when I finally met L.

Most of that time, my smiles were smirks. If you were to look that word up, the definition would be something like 'to smile in an insulting way'.

I smile too much of that smile. And...on that morning, on my ninth birthday, when you threw me a surprise birthday party, I smiled for the first time since I was separated from my parents. I smiled because I thought you smiled too much and I smiled too less. I smiled, for you.

And I smile when I see you through one valid eye, pushing off rubble from my chest, and you lift me up and get out of there. It was a faint, bloody smile, and I'm not too sure you saw it. So when I wake up the next morning, bandaged and safe, I turn to you on the other side of the bed and smile a genuine smile. It said, thank you.

It was that moment I realize that I'm not smiling because I think I owe you it. I'm smiling because I mean it, because I'm happy, happy when I'm with you.

And you smile back. The corner of your lips curve upwards, and the look comes naturally. You're used to it, although to me the concept is foreign.

But you teach me.

Over the years we are together, as the famous duo, I smile more. They're not forced, and these times they come naturally. I smile now at the smallest things: at your reaction when you beat your game, at the innocent look on your face when you're asleep, and the way you're very clumsy.

I did not need to apologize with words, the silence between us as we stare at each other is enough. I've said sorry, and you've forgiven me. Like always.

And I smile. This one is sad, yet happy at the same time. I know that I hurt you by leaving, and I want to say sorry, but I can't, I can't...

You understand. I know this because your arms are wrapped around me in a protective embrace, cheek against my blond hair. I feel you smile against me, and I cry harder, because I can't help but wonder, how? How can you still forgive me when I've treated you badly over these previous years? I stole your first kiss, was your first friend, was your first everything.

I can't help but wonder how you still can forgive me when I've practically stolen everything from you.

You're whispering sweet nothings into my ear now, and I clutch at you tighter, trying to get across that I was oh, so very sorry.

You squeeze me back reassuringly, and I know you've forgiven me.

And I promise. I promise to never leave you again.

It's a silent promise, but I know that you know me well enough. You nod once, and I pull away.

And I smile. This one is filled with joy.

Now here I sit in the driver's seat with that woman in the back. The small TV next to the wheel flickers to life when I press the power button. My heart is wringing, dying to know whether you'd made it out alive.

Because, oh Matty, if you died, I would never forgive myself.

My heart almost skips a beat when the news anchor's words strike and you're gone. I almost burst out crying right there, but I didn't. I stare straight ahead at the road and keep driving.

And I smile. This one is filled with love, sorrow, and it bears the other one million smiles that I've never given you before.

I smile because I know you never will again. You'll never smile at me again, like you used to when I'd comment on your strange outfit. You'll never smile like you do when I wake you up in the morning for breakfast. You'll never smile like you do when I hug you.

Never again.

And then my heart contracts and I shudder. I know all too well what was happening, but I accept it with a calm I never thought I carried.

Mail Jeevas, wait for me, just a little longer. I hope you'll forgive me...oh, Matty...

And I try to keep the smile, I really do, but my lips go limp and then it's darkness. Soon, there's that fabled tunnel of light, and I eagerly walk past it, because I know you are waiting for me at the other end.

You are.

And I smile.

This one radiated pure joy and happiness, as we walk forward, hands clasped together, and all I need is that smile on your face, and I know that I'm yours and forgiven.

So, was that okay? /scratches muzzled hair