Open
The feeling was an uncomfortable one, contradictory and nonsensical in its complexity. He didn't allow himself to think about it.
The thing was, it was impossible to get a full ride without some sort of parental involvement. There were mounds of paperwork that had to be read and signed, questions that had to be answered and interviews to attend. It wasn't going to easy, and that, at least, was the one certain, solid fact he'd been clinging to since he'd received the thick packet.
In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best time to ask. Of course, it's not like there was an appropriate time to ask the sort of question he had to. With his father being the way he was, an opportune moment would never present itself. He had to take the plunge while he had the courage to do so.
Sam felt open, exposed, like a child being chastised even as he drew himself up to his full height and pushed the words out in a rush before they had a chance to escape him.
It was probably a mistake not to at least let Dean know before, and in his long career of mistakes it was one that stuck out. He'd remember the look on his brother's face all through freshman year and beyond, until he finally severed all the ties he had with his family and tried to forget those particular memories.
Not that it worked. At least not for very long; they'd come back to him at the least expected moments, John's stony expression and the disappointment, anger, bubbling right under the surface. Dean's thinly-veiled shock and the betrayal that he didn't even try to hide. The anger came later, but it was that moment that chose to haunt him.
That, and his father's voice telling him that if he left, he couldn't come back.
No matter how much Sam tried to convince himself otherwise, somewhere in the back of his mind and the deepest, darkest corner of his subconscious he knew that the solid, angry sentiment behind those words was probably the reason he hadn't come running back when he realized that he was just as much of a freak as the high school bullies always told him he was.
If nothing else, it was Dean's expression that told him there were some burnt bridges that couldn't exactly be rebuilt but couldn't be completely left alone either, like the sore tooth you can't help but poke with your tongue or the sore place you've got to prod because you've got to confirm that the pain is still real.