"She's gone, Garrus."
Lieutenant Alenko's words slammed into him harder than any bullet he'd ever taken. They left him speechless. He could do nothing but stare.
He remembered the fight in the council chambers, how she had pulled herself out of the rubble, emerging like a triumphant eagle after he'd been so sure she was gone. She'll come back, he told himself. She's got a redundant escape pod, some trick up her sleeve. She always does!
But the minutes passed, and there was no Erin Shepard. The survivors stared at the sky with hopeless weight in their eyes. Liara T'Soni broke first, falling into the frozen ground of Alchera as warm tears left her eyes. Joker cursed, "my fault! All my fault." Kaidan Alenko said nothing; Wrex just walked away. They all felt knives shredding through their insides.
But none of them felt it like him. It was a selfish notion, maybe, but he was sure that none of them were as torn to pieces as he was that day.
None of them could be.
"Tests complete," came EDI's vaguely robotic voice, ripping him from his demons. "Displaying."
With a heavy sigh, Garrus pulled himself up to the monitor and scanned the results of the Thanix Cannon's first virtual test. The engineers had finished installing it as per his specifications while he was on Illium. Now he just needed to make sure it worked.
The numbers on his screen all seemed to check out. Until--
"EDI, what the hell is wrong with the sub-atmospheric arc rate? There's no way it should be this high. The missile's practically going straight down."
"Scanning," EDI replied. A second later, "There appear to be several inconsistencies in the weapon's programming. With your permission, I can repair them automatically."
Garrus sighed. "Go for it."
Silence and stillness fast returned to the main battery. It was late, and he was the only one awake on this part of the ship. Most of the crew was still on shore leave in Illium, so the crew quarters were all but empty. And Miranda's office down the hall was empty, too. For different reasons.
He quickly grew bored of watching EDI's number-crunching on the screen and let himself fall back against the wall.
Omega. What a pisshole. Sometimes, while walking through those streets, he would tell himself that a few well-placed bombs could tear this station apart and nothing much would be lost.
But there were still innocents to protect here. And way too much scum to kill. If not him, who else would put their ass on the line for this place?
He had to be here. He had to be the one. Nothing else…
He would throw himself into harm's way every day. Every moment was a brush with death. His men put themselves in danger too, sure, but they didn't take the risks he did. They didn't thrust themselves into the crossfire like him. He didn't want them to. He wanted to protect them. Protect this station, protect this galaxy… keep people safe.
Those were the reasons he admitted to himself. But there was one more, one that he didn't even let himself think about. What kind of galaxy would let her die? After all the close calls, all the blood and the hardship, after what he thought was ultimate victory. What kind of irreparably broken galaxy would let Erin Shepard, the hero, the paragon, the best -- BEST -- that any species in this mass of space had to offer, die so damn pointlessly?
Not a galaxy he wanted to live in.
Garrus Vakarian had a death wish.
"Repairs complete." Once again, EDI thrust him from the dark thoughts in his head. "Displaying."
This time, Garrus was glad the AI had interrupted him. His memories from Omega were… not happy ones. Dark days. He didn't want them back.
He gave the second set of results a cursory go-over. "Everything checks out, EDI. We'll run some live tests as soon as we get off Illium."
You should probably get yourself to sleep, he told himself. Tomorrow would be a long day -- as soon as they found a gas giant with a sizeable gravity well, they'd fire some test bursts into its atmosphere and recalibrate if necessary. Which, of course, it would be. But curiously enough, Garrus wasn't tired. It had been nearly a standard day since the Dantius Towers, yet the rush was still with him. That one moment of uncertainty, when she was falling… his body had released more adrenaline than he could handle, and it was taking a while to wear off.
His team was dead, save that traitor Sidonis. And now, with all the mercenaries massing at his front door, his number would be coming up soon. Good. He was ready. His only regret was not taking that bastard with him.
Freelancers, most of them, by the looks of it. Some of them were doubtless still kids. Scum! The Blue Suns, Eclipse, Blood Pack -- all of them! Throwing hapless cannon fodder at the problem, just to soften it.
Yet he kept the rhythm. Aim, fire, dead. Fresh heat pack. Aim, fire, dead. Fresh heat pack. Maybe he should just let them take him. He was dead anyway… but no. He let these freelancers kill him, and soon enough they would just be a part of the mercenary web that ran this place.
Aim, fire, dead. Fresh heat pack. Aim, fire, dead. Fresh heat pack. Aim, fi--
What the hell?
No… it couldn't be. Fatigue and fear were playing with his head. Or maybe one of the freelancers had snuck inside and gotten behind him, and this was just his death visage. If that was the case, he was grateful. Her face would be the last thing he'd see… he wouldn't have it any other way.
But then she was shooting at the rest of the freelancers and, oh yeah, they were falling. They were bleeding. She was at the door; through the door. The other two humans he didn't recognize followed -- they were clearly under her command. He heard three sets of footsteps climbing the stairs.
"Archangel?" It was her voice. No tricks this time, no illusions.
It was her.
Garrus was so engrossed in his memory that he barely heard the real set of footsteps coming down the hall toward the main battery. He knew who it would be. Nobody else came down here, save EDI -- if she even counted -- and the occasional visit from one of the engineers to gripe about how one of his upgrades had thrown some number off down below.
The doors opened, and Erin Shepard walked in without a moment of hesitation. Anyone else would have knocked, or at least lingered near the door. Not her. "Hey."
He couldn't stop his mandibles from flaring out into a warm turian grin. "Hey to you. I haven't seen much of you since… well…"
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Miranda, Thane, finishing up business on Illium." She stepped up to the rail and leaned into it, close to him.
"You've been busy."
She shrugged.
There was a short silence. Not awkward, but… he wanted it gone. "How's Miranda doing?"
"The shrapnel was mainly confined to her legs, but she lost a lot of blood. If it weren't for that heavy skin weave we implanted, she would have been in real trouble." Shepard sighed. "But she's going to make a full recovery."
"That's good," he said carefully. He wasn't sure what he thought about Miranda yet. She was a Cerberus puppy, that much was undeniable. But she was capable. And she had shown nothing but dedication so far. Maybe, just maybe, she could be trusted.
Shepard said, "You should go see her."
The idea sounded absolutely distasteful to him. "Now, I don't think that's a good--"
"Why not? She may not show it, Garrus, but she respects you immensely. You're a hero. Hell, if it weren't for you, we'd all have died two years ago. Who wouldn't respect that?"
He considered it. Briefly. Then he said, "I'm sure she'll be just fine waking up without me at her bedside." He raised his eyes to her face. "And Thane?"
Shepard shrugged. "He found a nice, dry little corner in life support. Hasn't come out since. Not even to eat, according to Rupert."
"What do drell eat, anyway?"
She chuckled. "Maybe I should give him some of my fish food, now that all the fish are dead." After a short silence, her eyes dropped, ashamed. "Wow, that was mean."
"Relax, Shepard," he said, laughing. "It was funny. Besides, whatever he ends up eating, it'll be better than that dextro-amino paste crap Tali and I get to shove down our throats."
At that, her eyes jerked up. She looked momentarily horrified, brushing his shoulder lightly with her hand. "Garrus, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you hated it that much. We're still on Illium -- tomorrow morning we can go pick up some better dextro-based food."
He grinned. "I said relax! I was only joking." After a brief hesitation, "Well, if you think we can afford it…"
"Of course we can! No expense is spared for my crew."
It really wasn't that funny. But seeing her, the great Spectre, get so concerned over food… was just adorable. He couldn't stop himself from throwing his head back and letting out a hearty torrent of laughter. And by the end of it, she was laughing too.
She had such a youthful laugh, like bursts of wind against cement. God! How he had missed that.
He brushed her arm with the back of one of his talons. It sent a streak of goosebumps down her skin, but thankfully, in the darkness, he couldn't see them. "What about you?" he asked warmly. The tender resonance in his voice sent chills down her spine. "You want to talk about… what happened at the towers?"
Hell yes, she did. What could she tell him? Despite the dangers they undertook mission after mission, she had never gotten that close to death. Except… well… when she died.
"I guess I should thank you. For saving my life. Again."
Garrus chuckled. "Shepard, if we start keeping track of how many times we've saved each other's lives, the Reapers will be here before we finish. Let's just call it permanently even."
"But this time was different, wasn't it?" She looked away, nibbling at her bottom lip, finding it hard to find her words. This was what she had come down here for in the first place. Why didn't she know what to say? "You saved me with a… real flair for the dramatic."
The turian grinned smugly. "I suppose I did."
Erin could still remember the thoughts that crossed her mind as she prepared to die. Defeatist thoughts. Weakness, in a time when she couldn't afford anything but strength. She was still mad at herself for letting those thoughts enter her mind. She didn't want to die, not by a long shot. Besides, this mission was far too important. Everything was on her, and she owed it to the galaxy to survive. Like she always did.
And she would. As long as Garrus Vakarian was at her side, she knew she'd always be safe.
She stared warmly into her turian friend's dark eyes. "Thank you, Garrus."
And then there was another silence. Only the hum of the drive core and the soft vibrations of the ship could be heard through the veil of quiet. But again, it wasn't awkward. How could it be between two people who trusted each other unconditionally? Garrus kept his eyes on Erin, watched her watch the circuits and tubes of the main gun. Her face, her body, her posture; it all radiated nothing but strength and confidence. But her eyes… the shield of Commander Shepard didn't quite cover them. Sharp and penetrating they remained. But there was a softness in those eyes. They were the only part of her that exposed her pain. Her vulnerability.
He never wanted to see those eyes harden.
"You shouldn't have gone after Miranda," he whispered.
Her head turned on a dime. "What?"
"You shouldn't have gone after Miranda, Shepard. She was wide open, and you knew there were hostiles still standing! You put yourself in incredible danger."
"What are you saying, Garrus?" He could tell by her voice that she was Commander Shepard again. "Are you telling me how to command my squad?"
"No, Shepard. I know you care deeply about every member of your crew, but I'm telling you to be careful. As a friend."
"I don't leave my crew in danger." Her voice rose sharply; it was hostile now. He kicked himself in his head.
But he had to tell her. She had to know. "Shepard, you almost died! What do you think would happen if you did? Hmm?" He scowled. He hadn't wanted it to be this bitter. "We can't handle losing you again. None of us. Not me, not the crew, not the galaxy."
He fully expected a beratement in return, but instead he got… a long silence. When he looked back at her, her head was slumped, her golden hair completely covering her face.
"Erin, I--"
"She loved Virmire." Erin Shepard's voice was sad and heavy. "She said it reminded her of Earth. A place called South Beach." The Spectre chuckled lightly, but there was no joy in her voice. "'The damn politicians better make sure we get this orb,' she told me. 'I'd move here. Spend the rest of my life here. You don't waste colonies this pretty.'"
And now he understood. He hadn't meant to open up old wounds. Garrus, you moron--
"Well, Ashley Williams got her wish. She spent the rest of her life on that orb. Short as it was." Erin Shepard lifted her head slowly. She wasn't crying, but the pain in her eyes was enough to make his heart feel like someone was squeezing away at it with their fingers. She looked straight at him, fire and accusation and anger in her voice. "I don't leave my crew in danger, Garrus. Ever." She realized now that the anger was not at him, but at herself. "Not again."
What followed was a long, heavy silence, Erin instantly regretting every fucking word that left her lips. Her head was coursing; her thoughts raced. She was Commander Shepard, damn it! She couldn't let her emotions control her like that. And she could not risk to alienate the last close friend she had in this galaxy.
"Garrus, I'm sorry. I--"
He placed a hand on her back. Pulled her close. With his free hand, he lightly brushed the skin under her eye. His sharp onyx eyes stared deep into her soft green ones, penetrating into her soul. "Don't blame yourself, Erin. Blame Saren. Blame Sovereign. Blame the scientists that built that krogan army."
Her eyes dropped to the rail. She didn't -- couldn't -- meet his eyes. "If we had moved faster, cleared the facility sooner, we could have gotten there before the geth sent reinforcements." She paused. "We could have saved them both."
"You did everything right, Erin. You went to protect the nuke. You made sure it went off, so that facility would be gone for good and Saren could be defeated." He ran his hand up the length of her spine, brushing her lightly, until he reached her golden hair. There he stopped. They were in full embrace now. "And you did the impossible. You saved one of them."
At that instant, she pulled away, leaving his arms completely. "Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko," she said aloud. "A great soldier. An even greater man. A goddamn hero by any stretch of the imagination." Her eyes dropped down to the floor. "A man I felt absolutely nothing for."
She knew it was horrible of her. Kaidan Alenko was one of the best people she had ever served with. She was proud as hell that she had kept him alive.
But even today, she wondered if the price was too high.
"I left Ashley Williams, the woman I considered a sister, to die." Acid resonated in her voice. "So do not tell me I don't get to blame myself, because I blame myself a hundred and ten percent! Saren and the geth were going to do what they always did. I was the variable. I was what went wrong." She stopped, her sorrow palpable in the air despite the hardened look on her face. "I lost my best friend."
He knew her pain, of course. Two years… and he hadn't gotten an inch closer to getting over it. His time on Omega, thrusting himself into harm's way almost haphazardly. Why? It was all in the hope that one day a merc would shoot a bullet through the hollow, spent heat sink in his chest, and he could die damn proud of the few months he had served with her.
His eyes dropped straight to the ground. "You're not the only one who knows loss."
And that was when it finally hit home. Two years had felt like two weeks to her, but to Garrus… they had been two years of grief and agony. She knew how slow the turian was to trust, to open up to someone else. Hell, he had only done so with her after she helped him close the chapter on Dr. Saleon. Garrus knew pain. He knew loss. He was so cautious with his emotions, but when he found someone he trusted... he never let go.
"I'm sorry, Garrus."
He gave her a cautious look. "For what?"
"For leaving you alone for two years."
She understood. He wasn't the only one who found it hard to trust.
"Every man and woman on the SR1 was a hero," she said, weight almost crushing in her voice. "But there were two people who I could have by my side as I marched into hell itself, and feel completely and totally safe." Without a moment of hesitation, she moved closer to him, threw her arms around his waist and held him tight. "I'm just glad I still have one of them."
"I'm back, Garrus. I won't be getting myself killed again, I promise." It was an impossible promise to keep, but she didn't care.
He placed one hand to rest against her back. "I'm here for you, too, Erin. I'll keep you safe. Always will."
And at that moment, she felt more for him than just trust.
"Garrus--"
But she stopped abruptly. They had both heard it. Footsteps, moving quickly, clashing down the hallway toward the main battery. They pulled apart just in time for Gabby Daniels to walk in, attention completely fixed on her lit-up datapad. "Garrus, I know it's late, but I was looking over the rotational specs you--" She stopped abruptly. "Oh, Commander. I… didn't know you'd be here."
She gave the engineer a warm smile. "Don't worry, the turian is all yours to bore with tech. I was just here thanking him. For saving my life." She gave Garrus a quick glance. "Again."
"Of course, Commander," said Gabby, her hand moving in the direction of a salute before she stopped herself. "Gah! Keep thinking I'm still in the Alliance."
Shepard chuckled lightly. "Make sure you both get some rest, alright? Tomorrow, it's back into the fire."