Erin Shepard had overslept. It was not a practice she was accustomed to, nor was it one she wanted to repeat. She was not a heavy sleeper. She slept short nights, and her body had become accustomed to a short Circadian Rhythm. Insomnia was nothing new to her. But last night, after everything that happened on Illium -- and especially after her talk with Garrus -- she'd found it impossible to shut off the valve of thoughts pouring through her head. The ideas, worries, emotions. Too loud and too much.
What did she feel for Garrus Vakarian? God, what a question. Friendship, respect. Trust, of course. She trusted that damned turian with her life and her soul. Nobody was easier to open up to. Nobody else could listen like him, reassure her whenever she made a tough decision, keep her head clear for the next life-or-death mission. He was the best friend she could ask for.
She… couldn't risk screwing that up. She needed him -- absolutely relied on him, both on the battlefield and off.
But she was a selfish, short-sighted bitch sometimes. And damn it, she wanted him too.
You're an idiot, Shepard. You mess with things that don't need fixing. You'll bring the whole house of cards down.
Leaning now against the door to the armory, Shepard watched the elevator rise. It moved slowly. Almost painfully so. When the machinery ground to a halt, the doors opened like mouth of a yawning giant. She watched as they revealed the two figures standing inside.
"Jacob," she said with a nod and a smile. Her eyes stayed on the agent for only a moment. Then they drifted over to Garrus, locking together with his onyx eyes. They stared at each other, wordless and expressionless, for what seemed like an eternity. It was really all of four seconds.
Shepard finally broke it with a grin. "Garrus. Good to see you both."
"Good to see you, too, commander," said Jacob. The ex-soldier gave her a rigorous salute.
Garrus didn't do anything as overt as saluting but, in a way, the turian grin he threw her conveyed so much more.
"So how did the test go?" she asked aloud, sounding genuinely curious. The question was aimed at both of them, but her eyes remained on just one.
Garrus looked so complacent, so calm as he reached back to scratch the tip of his fringe. "Well enough," he said. "EDI seems happy. Tali is… surprised." Shepard knew how highly turians prized their fringes, how they considered them indications of strength, power and beauty. Watching his shine like silver now against the soft artificial light of the ship… she supposed she could understand why.
"Well, now we're one Thanix Cannon closer to surviving, I guess." Shepard chuckled softly, wordlessly cursing her inability to come up with anything wittier than that. "Come on. The Illusive Man is waiting for us in the comm room."
But she realized after a few steps that the two men weren't following her.
She turned around just in time to see Jacob start. "Commander, with all due respect to Garrus… shouldn't it be Miranda up here for a meeting like this?"
"I have to admit, I was wondering that myself, Shepard," Garrus said sheepishly behind him.
Shepard sighed. "Last I checked, Miranda is in bed with two badly injured legs that she can barely stand on. The woman needs rest, whether or not she wants it." She turned around and continued toward the comm room. "In the meantime, Officer Vakarian can sub for her."
"The Illusive Man's not going to like it," Jacob said quickly, falling back into pace with her.
"The Illusive Man doesn't like a lot of things. This is my ship."
She assumed from both their silences that they were satisfied with her answer.
---
"I don't like it, Commander." Garrus was pacing now, restive and a bit predatorial. He moved swiftly from one end of the comm room to the other. "A turian frigate disabling a Collector ship? Something doesn't sound right."
Jacob kept his weight against the wall. "The Illusive Man said it would be dangerous. But we can't pass up a lead like this."
From day one, Erin Shepard had approached the Illusive Man with the razor of logic. He had his own agenda, that much was for sure -- and it was a sinister agenda, at that. But he was a human patriot, and the only way he could protect humanity was through Shepard. He had everything to gain from supporting her. What could he possibly gain from betraying her or setting her up? It was a classic prisoner's dilemma, and he was too smart not to realize it. Screwing her would be a zero-sum game.
Erin trusted the Illusive Man, if only due to circumstances.
She walked over to a nearby console and pressed a few keys. "I know you were listening in, Miranda, so don't bother denying it."
"Commander--" Miranda's voice sounded a bit shocked as it poured in through the speakers.
"No, don't apologize. I wouldn't expect anything less." Shepard raised her eyes to watch the two men in the room with her. Jacob leaned against the wall, silent, seemingly avoiding eye contact. Garrus continued to pace.
"Commander, we don't have a choice," Miranda said after a few long moments. "Whatever is on that ship, we have to find it."
Shepard scowled. As little sense as it made for the Illusive Man to screw with her, she had to agree with Garrus. Something felt… off. She could feel it in her chest. Her instincts were screaming at her to avoid this mission, and they rarely led her astray.
But in the end, Miranda was right. They didn't have a choice. It was a lead, and they had to check it out. "Joker," she said aloud. "EDI is uploading you some coordinates just off the Korlus System. Get us there now."
The AI wordlessly established a comm link to the bridge. Moments later, Joker's voice streamed in. "Korlus System… got it, Commander. ETA twenty-eight hours." A short pause. "Just out of curiosity, who are we slaughtering when we get there?"
"Collectors," she said without really thinking about it.
She heard what sounded like Joker shifting around in his prized leather seat. "Collectors, great. They're just buckets of fun."
"Anything else, Commander?" Jacob asked.
She shook her head once, turning back to the console to disable Miranda's and Joker's comm links. "That's all for now. Dismissed, Taylor."
Jacob Taylor gave her a stiff and respectful salute. Then he went straight out the door. In the next few moments, a rigid silence poured into the comm room. Garrus had stopped pacing. She could feel his presence behind her.
"I'm guessing there's a reason I'm not dismissed?"
Shepard glanced around the room, uneasy. She pulled herself away from the computer, but kept a hand on it, like it was the only thing grounding her in the fluid empty space of the room. Finally her emerald eyes came to rest on him. "There is," she admitted, "but it's not a very good one. I…" she hesitated, her words drifting away to nothing. "Hey."
"Good… morning, Shepard." He sounded confused. She didn't blame him.
She let her eyes drop and started fiddling with her short fingernails. The tension in the room was palpable; the walls became rigid iron. The air she breathed felt heavy, like there was more than just oxygen hitting her lungs. Was this as horrible an idea as she thought?
"Listen, I'm sorry for unloading on you last night," she said finally, letting out a soundless sigh of relief. The tension in the room lessened.
Garrus approached her softly, timing each step. "Shepard, you don't have to apologize to me." He briefly contemplated embracing her, but decided against it. "I'm here for you whenever you need me."
That seemed to dissolve the tension. She raised her eyes again, and he could see a fresh glow in her face. She smiled. "I have something to--"
"No." He raised an open talon into the air in the universal expression of Stop. "Me first."
He didn't give himself a chance to second-guess it. Instead, he took both her hands in his and closed his palms tight. Turians had soft, leathery skin on their palms, similar to the velvet that seemed to cover humans' entire bodies. It allowed his people much more sensitivity than the scales and muscle and cartilage that coated most of the rest of the turian anatomy.
He slid his palms against hers, soft skin touching soft skin. Among turians, it was one of the most intimate expressions possible. He had no idea what it meant for humans, but he didn't let that stop him. "I don't like what I become when you're not around, Shepard," he said, staring deep into her emerald eyes. "I get all dark and hateful and angry at the world. It's ugly." His voice was shakier than he meant it to be, but judging by the look on her face, she didn't seem to notice. "Spending two years without you was… well, it messed me up."
"I'm sorry, Garrus," she said, her voice small and soft. Her eyes didn't move.
"No. You're done apologizing. You've got nothing to be sorry about." He sighed, struggling to find the right words, fighting to keep away the doubts and sheer horror that were threatening to invade his mind. "I think…"
But he never got a chance to tell her what he thought, because that was when she threw the full weight of her body against him and kissed him.
She kissed him. He wasn't kissing back. What could he do? Turians never expressed themselves like this. Head spinning, thoughts rushing at speeds he could not control, he threw his arms around her body, wrapping them around her and holding her tight. He pushed her back, only semi-conscious. His mandibles flared hard. He raised them up and out, beyond their normal limits. And then, ever so slowly, he brought them to rest against her cheeks. His touch brought out a soft, tender whimper from her throat, and that tiny noise was enough to make his chest explode with joy.
She didn't stop. She didn't even begin to slow down. She ran her tongue carefully along his carnivorous front teeth, like she was painting an incredibly sharp fence. Garrus wasn't entirely sure how to react. But instinct told him to part his teeth slowly. She responded without hesitation, and the feeling of her soft tongue against his was… well, he now understood why humans so loved to kiss. He emitted a soft, low growl in his throat, constant and resonant.
Then something… happened outside. It might have been Mordin dropping something in his lab, or Yeoman Chambers reacting to a new bit of news with her characteristically high-pitched gasp. Whatever it was, it brought Shepard out of her haze. Her eyes popped open, and she pulled herself away in an instant, heart thumping furiously against the walls of her chest.
Holy shit, what had she just done?
Garrus's onyx eyes opened slowly, and the expression on his face was one of confusion and… and… fear. She could read the questions in his eyes, the worries -- had he done something wrong? Had he hurt her somehow, bitten her without noticing? He took a single step back. "Erin, are you okay?"
But her eyes were to the ground, tracing the grooves and indentures of the metal floor. Counting them, without even really noticing. Damn that compulsive mind of hers.
"This was a mistake, Garrus."
She'd said it with zero emotion. No sharp tone, no upward inflection, no hint of positive or negative body language. But it pierced him harder than he could have imagined. He felt his heart rate dropping as a pit started to brew in his stomach. "Did I--"
"No, this is all on me." She turned around, giving him her back and staring straight at the wall. Why? Why had she pulled away? It was perfect; it all could have worked out so well. This was what she wanted -- every part of her had wanted it. Every last cell in her body had been in a state of utter bliss!
Every part of her, save that goddamn logical mind sitting in her head.
She needed order and loyalty and clear-headedness on the Normandy -- no distractions. She needed to be able to rely on every member of her team, and she had to avoid attachment. Any number of them could die by the time this was over. Her mind needed to be clear, to make decisions based on reason and not emotion. Reason, logic, quick thinking -- that's what made her so good at what she did. She couldn't afford to cloud her head. She had a responsibility to the whole galaxy. Every heartbeat rested in her arms, and she had to do it right.
The stakes were too high this time. She could open up to Garrus completely, give in to her emotions and let herself fall into his arms. But if she lost him, after everything... she wouldn't be able to recover from that.
She turned around and came face-to-face with Garrus. She gave him the best, warmest smile she could muster. "I know I've said it too many times already. But I'm sorry."
He could see it in her face. She was torn. She looked so uneasy, so angry with herself. It was such a striking difference from the cool confidence that Commander Shepard always exuded. Now he felt like he needed to bail her out. "Erin, if you want, we can just forget about this."
"I…" No, that wasn't what she wanted. But she owed him some sort of explanation. Without hesitating, she leaned in and kissed his mouth softly, once, for just a second. "I promise I'll explain soon, okay? But there's just… too much depending on us right now. We need our heads clear."
"So we forget about it?" He didn't want to say it, but there was no way he'd be able to clear his head after this.
Erin Shepard closed her eyes and sighed heavily. "I don't know. You do what you need to." She turned back to the console at the edge of the room. "Tomorrow we're taking on the Collector ship. I need you with me, and I need you thinking clearly."
Then she left. During the unbearably long elevator ride up to her cabin, she did nothing but silently curse herself.
Yes, yes, I know. Erin Shepard can be a right royal moron sometimes.
Anyway, as of now I'm planning this fanfic to last seven chapters. So that means we're more than halfway done. Rock on, folks!