Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or receive any payment for this work.
Touched
Chapter 5.
Nyota.
"You are a coward," said Nyota Uhura looking directly at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She took a deep breath and straightened, there would be no more hiding or slumping in chairs at the back of the lecture theatre. Yesterday she had been in the library and seen a tall black haired man in instructor's uniform and had actually dived behind a bookcase. She snorted, "You are such a coward you have taken to hiding behind fixtures. No more!"
As if the High Five Incident was not bad enough her own cowardice was adding to the embarrassment. "You want to be a Star Fleet Office," she told her reflection, "start acting like one." She had made a mistake. It had been a breech of protocol but no actual harm had been done. She had seen Commander Spock since the incident and he seemed much as usual. In her career she would make mistakes. She had better learn how to deal with mistakes and do so with professionalism. She would view this as a learning experience. If the incident had occurred (she mentally cringed) during a negotiation on some far off planet what would she do. Well, she would ensure she understood what had happened for the perspective of the injured party and she would apologise sincerely. Then she would make amends as seemed appropriate. So that is what she must do now.
Staring at her face in the mirror she was forced to admit that she would have reacted differently with anyone but Commander Spock. Nyota acknowledged that she could have apologised to an unknown Vulcan without feeling so daunted and diminished. But, if it had been anyone else she may not have behaved as she had. She had thought about Commander Spock so often that she a built up a familiarity with him that only existed in her own head. She owed him a double apology, for the incident and for taking so long to acknowledge her fault. First she would make a trip to the library.
Spock
Commander Spock knew the blame for the incident was primarily his own. He acknowledged this now. He was the telepath, she was not. He knew how to control his mental function and erect mental barriers, she did not. He was aware that his own failure of self regulation was at the core of this reaction. If the touch had occurred with any other person at most it would have been unwanted and unpleasant and would have resulted in a brief reprimand.
The crux of the issue was Nyota's touch was not unwanted. Despite the discomfort, despite the illogic and the inappropriateness of the behaviour Spock wanted to touch Nyota again.
Spock also felt ashamed. He had transgressed. He had violated her secrecy. Every Vulcan child learned that you never looked into another's mind unbidden. There were inevitable exchanges between children who had not yet perfected control. Spock clearly remembered as incident where he had been baited and eventually attacked his tormentor. The boy had fought back viciously and Spock had pinned him to the floor by kneeling on him and securing both hands with his own. Through the hand to hand touch Spock had inadvertently seen details of the boy's family life and private thoughts. It was this transgression, rather than his actual attack, which had engendered the severe discipline that his father had imposed. Spock had learned the absolute taboo against the violation of another's mind, even if not intended. Both parties had responsibility to guard against accidental transfers. Such strictures were essential for a telepathic race. He had an even greater responsibility here when others did not possess the ability to shield their minds. He had committed a grave error and he was ashamed. If he were on Vulcan there were ritual procedures he could follow to formally apologise and make amends. But he was not on Vulcan and he had to find a way to make amends in a way acceptable to a human.
Uhura.
It was fascinating and horrifying. Fascinating because of the insight she gained in Vulcan culture as she sifted through articles, journals, and historical texts and travel logs. Horrifying as just how appalling what she had done actually was, by Vulcan standards. The strictures against uninvited access to another mind were absolute and so severe that they constituted a taboo. Even more horrifying was the revelation of the potentially sexual nature of hand touching. The hands were a significant erogenous zone. "Ozh'esta" which involved touching the index and middle fingers was an intimate touch considered almost indecent between non-bonded couples.
"Way to go Nyota, you not only assaulted him you sexually assaulted him," she thought. What made matters even worse was the deep thrill Nyota experienced at that last thought, followed immediately by a wave of self disgust.
Nyota felt tear pick her eyes. "Get a grip!" she cautioned herself, "think about this; be professional."
Nyota quickly realised that it was the sexual nature of the touch that had caused the thrill. The though of any sexual contact with Spock was thrilling it was that simple and that humiliating; she was very aware of how her body reacted to the thought no matter what her brain said.
"Great," Nyota sighed to herself, "this just keeps getting better."
Gallia had been right all along.
Spock.
Vulcan ritual demanded that he express contrition for the transgression, but without the clear guidelines provided by cultural practice he did not know how to start. The problem was that there were no analogous human experiences and therefore no precedent. Short of using drugs or hypnosis humans could not access each other's thoughts without permission and even then the experience could not be compared with telepathic contact. There was information on general apologies but such rituals as sending flowers and a card seemed inappropriate. A written apology might be acceptable but Spock believed it was too impersonal considering the highly personal nature of the violation.
In the end he contacted the only person that could advise him on Vulcan and human interactions.