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Touched
Chapter 8
Nyota.
Uhura closed her eyes and stepped inside. She jumped slightly as the door whooshed closed.
"Get a grip!" she thought to herself, "you have a task to perform, perform it! Forget the place, forget how he looks, and just get it over and done."
Uhura took a deep breath. Still looking down she moved her arms so her hands were slightly raised and palms to the floor. Her research had suggested this is a posture expressing contrition; a human would turn the palm up in supplication, but to a Vulcan that posture could be an invitation to from a bond and in the wrong setting could be mildly offensive. Uhura started in fluent Vulcan, "I have come to state how much I regret my thoughtless and inappropriate action in the language laboratory. The fault is mine, it was an act deserving censure, and I am ashamed. I apologise unreservedly for the act and any consequences of that act and the amount of time it has taken me to acknowledge my fault." Uhura was horrified to feel her throat tighten. She breathed deeply and slowly and when she felt in command of herself she looked up. His eyes held hers, unreadable but not hostile. She continued in Standard, "I ask your forgiveness. I am sorry. I am to blame and assure you that I will not act in such a thoughtless manner again. I regret that you were subjected to my thoughts and feelings. I will learn from this error and I believe I can be an adequate communications officer and a worthy member of Star Fleet. "
Spock was silent for five long seconds then in one short sentence put an end to Uhura dreams and aspirations.
He said, "Cadet Uhura, I do not agree."
Spock.
He saw the light leave her eyes and her face muscles tense. Her eyes become watery and she took a shuddering breath. She blinked rapidly and breathed deeply; signs that he interpreted to mean she was struggling for control. He had only spoken the truth but he had said something wrong. He quickly reviewed her statement and realised the potential ambiguity of his statement.
He took a deep breath and spoke very carefully, "Cadet Uhura, I do not agree with your statement but I respect you for having come and apologised as you saw fit." Somehow that was still wrong. He watched her face and hypothesised the emotions shown were confusion and sadness. He was experiencing muscular tension and slightly elevated heart rate, more indications that something was wrong. He must clarify his statement.
"You are aware that Vulcans are touch telepaths?" he enquired looking at her and raised an eyebrow.
"Never touch a Vulcan on the hands or the face," Uhura stated in a whisper.
"Correct," stated Spock, "the reason for this is that the hands and the face have the highest concentration of receptors and transmitters. The rest of the Vulcan body is sensitive but not to the same degree."
Uhura nodded that she understood.
Spock continued, "Every Vulcan child learns that they have a responsibility to both shield their own mind and not to access the mind of another. There are inevitable accidental transgressions in childhood and the consequences of these are both swift and memorable. In the area of telepathy, sending and shielding, humans are as ignorant as the youngest Vulcan child. Therefore I need to be responsible for shielding both parties; just as a Vulcan adult is with an untrained child. You were ignorant Cadet Uhura and that is not your fault, you have not had the opportunity to learn the skills necessary and can not be held responsible. The act was yours but the responsibility for any telepathic transference was mine and any fault is mine."
Nyota.
This was just getting worse. He did not think she was fit to be Starfleet officer and he thought she was as ignorant as a child. Nyota had not realised how highly she valued his good opinion. In the weeks since the High Five Incident she had even begun to consider the idea that he'd had a fondness for her. Those fleeting blurred images of her were always accompanies by a feeling of appreciation blended with interest and pleasure. Now he stood there destroying all her hopes and dreams.
Uhura had done what she came to do. She had apologised and now she would leave while she still had some dignity. She decided she would wish him good evening and then leave. She must do it quickly before she lost control and humiliated herself by crying. She turned and moved toward the door.
Spock.
Spock felt like a blind man feeling his way. He did not know this territory. He had no skills at this sort of conversation and his body seemed to know that he was getting this all wrong. Nyota was leaving. She turned away and started to move toward the door. He drew a deep breath and tried again. He would speak as plainly as he could.
"Cadet Uhura, I…" He paused. He was wrong again.
"Nyota, please, stay." he said softly.
He heard her gasp and she stopped halfway to the door and turned to look at him confusion plain on her face.
"I have mediated and reflected" he stopped and looked at the floor and briefly closed his eyes and thought, then he looked up and said clearly, "I do not regret what occurred." He watched her closely. That was better; she still looked confused but she lost that panicked look as if she might run away.
Spock centred himself and consciously relaxed, "I understand now that your actions were a natural expression of exuberance," he looked at her intently, willing her to understand, "I can think of no one else who would have acted like that around me." Spock saw that she was opening her mouth to speak and raised a hand to forestall her, and spoke quickly, "you reacted as if you have been with a friend. You did not stop to think of me as an alien just as someone with whom you would naturally share your happiness and excitement." Again he paused and simply said, "Thank-you."
He was unable to read her expression she had her head slightly tilted and she was frowning slightly.
He plunged on now, "I must apologise to you Cadet Uhura, I had no intention of becoming privy to your private thoughts. I …"
Spock could see Nyota had blushed progressively darker as he spoke and her body was tensely rigid.
Spock paused and seemed about to speak again and faltered, finally he said, "As a race of telepaths Vulcans have never developed a proficiency in verbal expression of important personal matters; of feeling." He stumbled over the last word. "Everything we want to express to another can be expressed with a touch. I can not communicate clearly in this human way, will you let me tell you in my language?"
With that Spock extended his hand, palm up, toward Nyota.
Nyota.
Nyota looked at Spock's hand. His expression was neutral but he was breathing slightly faster than usual. She wanted to touch him, to communicate his way as he called it.
"I am afraid…" she said hesitantly.
"Last time I was not shielded. This time I am shielded and your thoughts will not overwhelm me," he paused and said softly, "I will not look at any thought you do not consciously show to me."
Nyota realised he understood her fear of being exposed and vulnerable. Then suddenly she realised what he was really offering her. He was risking being as exposed as she was. She reach her hand toward him hesitatingly, unsure of how to touch him.
Spock raised his hand palm outward. She did the same. Their hands were still 6 inches apart.
"Ozh'esta?" she was confused. Her research indicated that this was an intimate and intense touch.
"It is what is required," he stated and he stepped forward and touched his hand to hers.
At first there was nothing but the warmth of his hand. She felt a soft thrill that she was touching him. No, this time he was touching her. She experienced another warmth not her own, it was a wispy echo of the thrill mixed with wonder and relief. Nyota felt vaguely disappointed that the touch did not reveal more. Then she felt his touch in her mind. When she thought about it later it was impossible to find words that adequately described the experience. His touch seems as real as the feel of his fingers against hers. Her heart rate increased and she felt a panic at the strange and alien sensation, then she felt a surge of reassurance wash through her. She breathed deeply and calmed herself and began to feel curious.
Spock.
He felt her thrill when he touched her and it was almost too much for his control. He wanted to explore her mind as intently as any lover yearns to explore his lover's body, but he could not. He had to maintain control. He felt her panic as her mind struggled to adjust and he reassured her. Slowly he felt her relax; he felt her vague disappointment then curiosity and slight probing like a question. He opened up his mind a little and let her in.
Nyota.
Her whole being was filled with the experience, it was recognisable but different. Familiar concepts morphed into the unfamiliar yet still comprehensible. She adjusted with wonder to the realisation that this was Spock's reality and his experience.
What he showed her did not play like a movie before her. She experienced it, she knew and felt and fully experienced the events and at the same time she was herself. She was losing herself and finding herself while all the time touching Spock's hand and looking into his eyes.
She experienced his shame at being party to her private thoughts a yet knew how he treasured them and felt the internal conflict this caused. She was aware of the profound depth of his aloneness. She eyes filled with tears as she experienced his response to the revelation that one person looked forward to seeing him, and thought about him affectionately and desired him for how he was. This had wrought a change in him that amazed him. He was dreaded losing her affection and regard. As she became accustomed to the new experience she was aware of the yearning and desire that underlay his thoughts. She tentatively thought of her affection for Spock, her desire, and her wonder at the experience they were sharing.
She realised that they were touching with their other hands. She had raised her hand and was stroked gently down the side of his head and he cupped her hip and his hand radiated heat through her clothes.
Their sharing now focused on their present experience. As they shared their sensations their foreheads touched and they leaned into one another physically and mentally and felt the warmth that was not just body heat. Both were breathing hard and their longing intensified, glowing and threading though them so that where one ended and the other began started to blur. Their lips gently brushed together and desire flared at the touch. Spock drew back immediately and dropped his hand to his side.
Spock
"I am still your teacher," he said.
"I do not care" she replied.
"Yes, you do and so do I," he stated and reached and took her hand again. Again she was drawn into him and he showed her his concern for her career and his career and the importance of their relationship being untainted. Spock wanted her to know this was not a rejection. She must understand with certainly that he wanted to protect her and yet yearned for her.
"We can wait," he said and let her feel she felt his resolve and regret.
"Two months," she said, and he felt how to her it seemed an eternity.
"It will pass," he replied.
"I am afraid," she whispered and he experiences her fear with her. She feared that every thing they had just discovered could disappear. He showed her his own fear. He showed her how he saw her and felt her amazement at the bright vibrant being she was to him and his bitter awareness of his own limitations.
She leaned toward him, seeking, and this time Spock did not pull away from their kiss.
TBC...
AU: Sorry for the delay in updating, assignments getting in the way of important things like fanfic I am afraid *sigh*. Almost at the end and I hope it will not take so long for the next update.