CHAPTER 8: MY LIFE

Edward POV

"Bella, I need you to us a big favor." I was staring out the window not wanting Bella to see the look of shame on my face. I didn't know where Alice's vision had come from or why now but I knew that it must mean that I wasn't doing as well as I thought.

"What Edward?" Her softly spoken words made my breath catch just slightly. How after everything could she still sound so trusting?

"I need you to stay here and lock all the doors after Alice and I leave." This was so embarrassing. That I had to leave her on the side of the park all alone just to hunt so I wouldn't kill her; Alice didn't even see me making it to a hotel.

"Where are you going?"

I couldn't answer that. "Just around the park to find an appropriate hotel." I lied. I hated lying to her. I looked back at her for one moment and saw that she was looking at me. Those brown eyes held me for so long that I knew she could tell that I was lying. I waited to see the hurt on her face but it never came.

"Would that be faster than driving?" She blushed scarlet. "Never mind" She was shaking her head as if answering her own question. "Just hurry back." Those eyes stayed just as trusting as before and I had never in all my years felt more a monster. I didn't deserve the trust that she willingly gave me but I seemed to be too selfish not to want it. What was it about this beautiful creature that resurrected the monster buried inside and the man buried even deeper.

"We will" I told her getting out and letting Alice follow. I locked the door behind me and we took off walking until we were sure we were far enough away that Bella wouldn't see us in the dark. I kept my eyes on her until she disappeared worried that something, anything, could happen to her.

She'll be okay, Alice reassured me.

"But anything could happen to her Alice." I protested. "She's in a car on the outskirts of a park all alone." I let my mind wonder as we ran. "Not just things like us but stupid human things like muggers or rapist. I use to hunt those kinds of minds and I know that the position we left her in is ideal for them."

I don't see anything happening to her, Alice let me know. I just see her going to sleep.

"Are you sure?"

Yes Edward, she smiled at me. She'll be safe until we get back.

"We should have at least taken her to a hotel." I was shaking my head. "Who knows what she thinks of us now."

It will be fine, don't worry so much.

I didn't say anymore but that didn't mean that I stopped. There were so many things to consider. What if this wasn't a lone event. What if the closer I got to Bella the more the monster came out? The last day and a half I had talked to her normally without having to turn my head to breath and I had been able to ride with the window up so that I wasn't freezing her to death. Yet here I was leaving her in a dangerous position just so that the monster didn't win.

Would there ever be a time that I could just be around her without hearing him? And why did I want that so bad? Was it just because she was the only human that had ever presented such a challenge or was there more? If I could simply read her thoughts like all the rest of them would I care? Would I be as intrigued as I was now? Would I have left my family just to protect her? I was confused and so much more. All these years of listening to their ramblings and internal questions and thinking I was above such things and now I knew that I wasn't because I hadn't felt this human since 1918.

Edward focus, Alice was drawing my attention back to why we were here. The sooner we hunt the sooner we can get back to Bella.

I appreciated the way that Alice was making this about the two of us when we both knew it was just me. It wasn't her arms wrapped around Bella draining the life out of her in the vision. She was reaching for the steering wheel in an attempt to save her. No, this was all about me.

Edward are you paying attention at all, she was standing beside me. You just let an elk walk right past you.

"Sorry Alice" I hadn't smelled it at all.

She's fine Edward; Alice knew exactly where my head was. Let's go a little deeper.

I tried to clear my head and let my instincts take over but I was still worried that we were too close to Bella. I sniffed the air to make sure and there was no smell of her here but there were others that although not as tempting would work for the evening. I took off after the lion that I hadn't expected to find and had my fill. I should have gone back to Alice after that but I smelled an elk and another lion and decided it would be better to be over full than not full enough.

I had just finished covering my meal when I heard Alice running toward me. Edward, her face drawn, go. I saw it then. Bella in the car; screaming as if someone was attacking her. I took off not bothering to check if Alice was behind me or not. I knew I was faster and I had to get to Bella. I had to and I would destroy whatever was hurting her. Whoever or whatever it was didn't stand a chance. I wasn't concerned if Bella saw and realized that I wasn't human or not, no one was going to touch her.

I didn't slow even when I could see the car. I scanned the area but saw nothing. Then I heard it. The whimpers growing louder and louder. It was a dream. Whatever was scaring her was a dream. How was I supposed to fight that? I rushed to the car pressing the unlock button on the key remote as I reached the door. The scream came right before I reached in and Bella jerked upright.

"Bella" I didn't know if I had finally scared her or if her scream came from the dream.

"Edward?" She was breathing heavily but her eyes were clearing up and then she burst into tears. "Oh Edward."

I didn't think. Different instincts took over, instincts that I didn't know I still possessed, and I pulled her out of the car wrapping my arms around her. I sat down on the ground with her in my lap trying to calm her the best that I could. The monster inside demanded to taste her but the man that I had forgotten existed held him back. I rocked her slowly not wanting to frighten her anymore and whispered words that I hoped were soothing to her.

"Bella, what happened?" I needed to know if it was us leaving her alone.

"I couldn't find you." She whimpered. "In my dream I couldn't find you." She held me closer. It felt as if she was using all her strength to keep me there. "I couldn't find you."

"I'm right here" I told her. "I'm right here and you're safe."

She leaned back and again those pools of liquid chocolate held me. They reached inside to places that lay dormant and shine light to them; called them back to life. "I know" she whispered and then laid her head back against my chest.

I sat there for minutes humbled by her faith. I continued to hold her knowing that I should let go but I couldn't. Cause for the first time in a hundred and nine years the monster and the man wanted the same thing. They both wanted Bella.

"Edward" Alice ran up behind me. "She's okay, right?"

"Yes, she's okay." I assured her. I was rubbing her back scared to put her down. I could tell by her breathing that she had fallen back to sleep but what if I put her back in the seat and she had another nightmare. I wasn't sure I could take more of her screams.

"Find a hotel" I motioned to the car and handed Alice the keys. She looked at me wide eyed but went around to the driver's side. I should have known she would be surprised. I never let anyone drive the Vanquish but there was no way that I was putting Bella down until she was safe and soundly tucking into a warm bed.

I rose up without jarring Bella and sat in the passenger seat. I was glad that she had put the seat back because that was the only way that we both fit. Alice started driving as soon as the door was closed. I paid little attention to where she was going. I was keeping my focus on the angel resting quietly against me.

This was wrong. Whatever I was feeling toward her was wrong. Just sitting her with her could get to be too much, too soon. I was endangering her life. Hadn't the emergency stop just proven that? So why couldn't I let her go? Why hadn't I handed her off to Alice, who obviously had better control around her, and went back to Forks? Why was I still here and holding her no less?

"It's sticky" Bella whispered. "Too hot"

What did she just say, Alice asked me. What's sticky and hot?

"I don't know" I had no answer for her.

"Green in the dark" Bella kept going. "Way to green."

"Bella" Alice called out to her but she said nothing in acknowledgement. Does she talk in her sleep?

My answer was the same. "I don't know" but wouldn't it be great if I could get a look into her mind through her dreams. Finally a way to see some part of what she was thinking.

We pulled into a hotel a little bit later. I let Alice go in and register since this was one of those places where the rooms were outside. She came back with two keys and drove around to where both rooms were. I got out cradling Bella and followed Alice to the door. It wasn't the worst hotel, or should I say motel, that we had stayed in but it wasn't far off.

Sorry Edward, Alice whined. It was the closest.

"It's okay." I was moving to lay Bella on the bed. "We'll only be here tonight." I didn't want her in some place this cheap for too long.

Wait Edward, Alice yelled. Don't put her down yet.

"Why?"

Who knows when they changed these sheets last, she shuttered. Let me put down one of our blankets. She buzzed around the bed and had it stripped in no time. The blanket down seconds later.

I placed Bella lightly on the bed but she wouldn't let go. I reached around to disentangle her hands but she balled them into fist. "Don't" She protested in her sleep.

I had never been so torn. I didn't want to hurt her but I couldn't move away from her when she so obviously wanted me there. "Alice?"

I saw her eyes move. You'll be fine, she smiled and went to the window. Stay here and I'll go get rid of our room. She ran outside and then came back with another blanket placing it over Bella so she wouldn't get cold and left again.

I laid down next to her letting the warmth from her body seep into mine. Who was she and why did she make me want to be better? Make me want to be worthy of her trust? She snuggled up against me as if I wasn't the hideous monster that I knew lurked inside. Like the cold of my skin and the hardness of my body was comforting. She laid against me like I was a man. Just an ordinary, boring, human man and wants more is that was all I wanted to be. I wanted to be everything that she thought I was but I couldn't be.

"Edward" She moved somewhat.

"I'm right here." I whispered in her ear.

She moved her head and looked up with those incredible eyes, "Stay", and then she closed them and snuggled closer.

In that moment I wasn't the same. After a century stuck in stone something had finally changed me. This small, fragile, slip of a girl had changed me and I knew that I would never be the same.

All the doubt and confusion were gone; replaced by an emotion that was as strong as it was never ending. It knocked the breath out of my body and shook me to my core. It jumpstarted a heart that had been dead longer than it had ever lived and it rocketed it from my body to hers. It pulled a man from a darken corner to a burning sun.

It was the first time I had ever been really grateful for my immortality, because no human could hold this much emotion. If I had still been just a man I would have crumbled under the weight of it. I closed my eyes letting it settle into all that I was. There was a rightness about it. As if it explained away everything. Every action, every thought, everything that had lead to this moment; to this girl. This angel lying quietly in my arms.

She was my life now.

She was everything that I would ever want or need in this existence. If the world stopped turning tomorrow it would mean nothing to me as long as I still had her beside me but if I were to hurt her tomorrow I would die with her.

Years of walking along side my kind and hers and never had I once thought this might be waiting for me. Not with Rosalie, not with Tanya, not with anyone and yet this one person with desirable blood and an amazing, giving heart had captured mine.

How was I supposed to let her go now? I was taking her to Florida to be with her mother where she would be safe. Safe from my family; safe from me but the thought of never seeing her again burned worse than the flames of thirst her blood caused in my throat. There was no way that I could ever let her go.

But what then? Turn around and go back? Try to explain to Chief Swan that it was all a horrible mistake. Tell my family that I love her and then what? Court her like any other normal boy. Resist her for the next seventy years or beg my father to change her so that I would never have to lose her. Yet if I love her shouldn't I want what was best for her. Shouldn't I want her happy and safe and away from the dangers that I would only bring to her life? The answer was yes but I couldn't make myself understand it.

Could I protect her? Could I keep her and protect her and make sure that she never wanted for anything? Human life went by so fast and emotions changed so quickly. I knew that my feelings would never change no matter how long I walked this earth but what if some day the words uttered by Bella were not stay but go. Could I respect her decision?

Was there ever a vampire put in this position?

"Edward?" Alice opened the door. "I went and got food too just in case she woke up hungry."

I wanted to tell her but I couldn't find the words yet. I was sure that she had seen my change. I was sure that it was written all over me. That anyone walking down the street would be able to see that I was somehow new. I wondered if in the moment that truth settled all around me Alice had seen a hundred different futures lay out before me. Did she see one with Bella? Could she answer all the new questions my love had brought up?

"Alice?"

Yes, she was sitting across the room on a blanket on the floor with her laptop.

I said the only think I could think. "I love her."

I know, she whispered even in her mind.

"What do I do?"

What do you want to do?

I looked down at this angel that heaven had sent to save me from hell and I smiled. "What I want and what is right might not be the same thing."

Maybe, she agreed, or maybe you can't see the big picture yet. Maybe you don't have all the information.

"Tell me?" I asked never taking my eyes off Bella. If this were the only night that I got to hold her, the only night I had to feel like a man instead of a monster, I wanted to make sure that I would remember every minute of it.

I can't. Not because I don't want to but because some things you have to learn on your own.

"I can't hurt her" I let her know.

You won't, she sounded confident.

"I need to be sure"

Search for the bloodlust within, she suggested. See if you can still feel it?

I let part of my mind go, holding tightly to the part that wouldn't hurt Bella, and searched. I listened for the monster that had been so loud just an hour ago but I heard nothing. I inhaled deeply letting Bella's alluring scent saturate my senses and again nothing. I could feel the burn in my throat but no venom pooled in my mouth. There was no pull to her other than as a man. The only desire I felt was to pull her closer and rest my lips against hers.

"I can't feel him" I said in awe.

She's safe, I could feel the smile in Alice's words. And trust me. When the time comes you will know what to do.

"Are you sure?" I wanted to believe her.

"I'd bet on" She laughed. "And you know what they say."

No one bet against Alice and I hoped I wouldn't be the first to start.

AN: Okay so I know that there are like a number of hotels around Yellowstone National Park and most of them are probably really nice but for this I needed them outside in the beginning and in a not so nice motel in the end. Besides knowing Alice it could have been a great motel and because it wasn't designer sheets she still would have thought it was shabby :).

I loved writing this chapter. It's never easy getting Edward to the point where he recognizes his feelings but it's always so rewarding when he gets there. Let me know what you thought.

Don't make me blue; please review :).