CHAPTER 13: MY DECISION
Bella POV
"What are you thinking?" Edward had been asking me that every since his fight with Alice a couple of days ago. I knew that he was worried that he had frighten me with the anger that he displayed but in all honesty I had been more concerned with what had happened to cause both of them to be so upset.
It wasn't like I had known Edward or Alice that long but from the time that I had spent with them I could tell that they cared and loved each other very much. Sure they teased and poked at each other as I had always imagined most siblings did but under it all they really seemed to want the other around.
I could only think that it had something to do with me. I wasn't trying to be egotistical but when he had mentioned taking "her" away I just had a feeling that I was the "her". Which begged the question what had Alice been thinking? Out of all his sibling he had seemed to trust her the most not to do anything against me and I couldn't see little Alice harming a fly. So what had she been thinking?
"Bella?" I hadn't answered and I couldn't say for sure but it always looked as if it bothered him when I didn't answer right away. I only guessed that it had something to do with not being able to hear my thoughts for which I was thoroughly pleased.
"I was thinking that we're almost to Florida." I don't know why but I wasn't ready to bring up Alice's name again.
I had tried after Emmett had assured me that Edward was calm enough to talk but he hadn't wanted to talk about it and she had kept her distance since then. The only time that she had tried to approach him was today when we had been walking down Beale Street and they had only stared at each other and then Edward had basically sprinted back to the hotel.
She hadn't been riding with us either and as much fun as Emmett was I missed Alice. She always made me laugh with the crazy things that came out of her mouth. She had been right in the beginning. She was like my best friend.
It was strange thinking of that. I had only really lived in two places and I barely remembered one but I had never really felt comfortable anywhere. I had never really made friends in Arizona and the people in Forks just looked at me like I was new meat. They were more interested in the "new girl" then in Bella Swan. Yet here with these would be monsters, the things of scary movie and hideous nightmares, I had found peace.
They understood me and accepted me and I felt more myself with them than I did with my own parents. It could be because I didn't have to take care of any of them or think of what to say all the time. They just accepted me and Edward loved me. It didn't make sense, him being so beautiful and perfect in every way, but he did. How was I supposed to go back to a normal life after this?
"What happens when we get there?" I asked. I knew in the beginning he had been most likely just going to drop me off and go back to his family but that had to have changed now. Would we even stop or just turn around and head back to Forks?
"We'll take you to your mom." He said quietly.
I liked the fact that I would get to see her. It would be a chance to say goodbye since I wasn't sure if I would be able to get back down here after this. "How long will we be able to stay?"
He didn't answer right away and I could tell that he didn't want to answer at all. "Edward" I sat up and looked at him. "How long are we staying?"
"Bella" He closed his eyes and then looked at the ceiling. "I promised that I would take you to your mother and that is what I'm doing."
I sat there for a minute letting my mind replay everything that he had just said. When it all settled in I looked at him with my heart in my eyes. "You're still leaving me there." It wasn't a question because I could see there was no point.
He didn't say anything and neither did I. I knew that it hadn't made sense for him to love me and now I understood. He didn't really. He couldn't. Not if he was planning on just depositing me in my mother's arms and walking away. What about Alice? Is this what she had seen? Was that why they were fighting?
"Will I ever see you again?" I couldn't look at him and he couldn't look away from the ceiling.
"No" it was so quiet that I had to strain to hear it.
"Is this what you and Alice are fighting about?"
"Yes"
"She doesn't what to leave me" Again I didn't have to ask.
"No"
"But you do?" I couldn't breathe.
"No"
That didn't make any sense. If he didn't want to leave me then why was he going to do it? "I'm confused."
"It's for the best." He still hadn't moved his eyes from the ceiling.
"The best for whom?"
"You" He looked at me then. "You don't belong in my world Bella."
"Why not?"
"Because it's too dangerous." He was holding my hand. "I don't want to leave you and if there were any way that we could stay together without putting your life at risk I would do it."
"There is" I said looking into his eyes.
"How?" He breathed. "I have thought of nothing else for the last five days and I can come up with nothing. Tell me how we can make this work?"
"I could be like you." I saw the shock on his face. "We could be together forever."
"No Bella" He shook his head. "I can't ask that of you."
"You didn't ask" I squeezed his hand. "I'm offering."
"No"
"Why?"
"Because I can't."
"Don't you love me?"
He cradled my face in his hands. "More than anything ever in this world; which is why I have to let you go."
"That doesn't make any sense." What kind of logic did he use to get to that conclusion?
"Bella, you have a family and friends and a long life ahead of you. You deserve to be with someone that can share that life." He paused. "Someone that can hold you without worrying if he's hurting you, someone that can have children with you, someone that can grow old with you. I can't do those things Bella."
"I don't care about those things." Didn't he understand? "Edward I just want you."
His eyes closed and I could see that it hurt him when I said that. "Could we ask Alice? Maybe she could see if…."
"No" He hissed and then I knew.
"Alice saw it." Another statement. It was as clear as rain. Alice had seen me as a vampire and that was why they were fighting. Alice wanted to change me and he didn't. It all made sense. Except for why he didn't want to change me. "She saw me like you, didn't she?"
"Did she tell you that?" the hard edge was back to his voice. "What did she say to you?"
I felt the pressure of his hands increase on my face and he must have to because he dropped them quickly and the guilt in his expression told me how sorry he was.
"Do you see?" He got up and started moving around the room so fast I almost couldn't keep up with him. "I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at Alice and I almost hurt you. I didn't mean it. I wasn't thinking and I could have crushed your skull without trying. Doesn't she see that?" I thought he was talking about me but then he kept going. "Doesn't she understand what we would be taking away from you? Of course not. She just wants her new best friend at whatever price. She doesn't thinking about all that you'll be missing or giving up. She doesn't see how I could hurt you or how things could get out of hand. She doesn't see."
He kept moving and talking to himself and I let him. I could try to argue with him right now but what was the point. He was arguing with himself enough for the both of us. So I sat back and closed my eyes waiting for him to calm down.
I thought about what it would be like to never see Renee and Charlie again. Would I be okay with that? I loved my parents dearly and it would be hard but I knew that if they knew that I was okay they would be okay. I mean Renee had Phil and she was happy and Charlie had lived a whole fifteen years with only seeing me two weeks out of the year so he would be able to go back to whatever he was doing before I showed up. They both had lives that could continue without me and I could be with Edward and Alice and Emmett and the rest.
That stopped me. Would the rest like me? Jasper had seemed to come around and although he didn't really talk to me like the other three he wasn't mean or hurtful. He was just more concerned with Alice which was as it should be. But what about Rosalie or the parents? The doctor, Carlisle if I remember correctly, hadn't sounded like he had any problems with me at the hospital before we left but what if that had changed when his son kidnapped me? What if now he blamed me for this family being split apart?
And I couldn't ignore the fact that Rosalie hadn't come with Emmett. Was she thinking that life would be better off if I was dead? Would she welcome me into her family? And I didn't know anything about the mother. I couldn't even remember her name. What if she hated me for all the drama that I had brought into their lives? If I was going to give up my human parents could I spend eternity with new ones that resented my presence in their lives?
"What are you thinking?" I hadn't felt Edward sit back down on the bed but there he was next to me. "Are you angry with me?"
My eyes flew to his face. "Why would I be angry with you?"
"For hurting you" I could see the pain those words cost him.
"No" I shook my head and climbed into his arms. Showing him without words that I trusted him. "And you didn't hurt me."
"I'm sorry whether I hurt you or not." He was rubbing my back gently. "I would never what to hurt you."
We stayed like that until Emmett burst into the door. "Break it up, break it up" he was smiling at us. "It's time to go and the last thing I want is to be stuck with you two making eyes at each other all the way to Chattanooga."
"You could always ride with Jasper and Alice." Edward suggested not letting me go.
"And listen to her bitch about whatever is going on between the two of you?" He raised an eyebrow. "I don't think so. If I had wanted to be around a woman that was angry with you I would have stayed home with Rosie."
So she wasn't okay with me. Emmett had just confirmed it. What about the other two? Did they hate me to? I would have to get him alone and ask.
We walked out and made our way to the car. I had agreed to sitting in the back since Emmett was so big. There was no way that he could be comfortable back here. We drove for a number of miles before we had to stop for gas. Everyone got out and I reached for Emmett's hand.
"Help me pick out some snacks in the store?" I hoped he didn't see through my pretense.
"I don't know how much help I'll be but sure" He shrugged.
We walked inside and I went to the chip aisle. "How about these? They have a cartoon on them." He looked really excited about Chester Cheetah. "Besides I might not know about human food" He said in a low voice "But I know real cheetahs are good."
I couldn't have helped my laugh if I tried. That had to be the strangest recommendation for food I had ever heard. "Okay" I took the bag from him and went to the sodas.
"Em, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure"
"Does the rest of your family hate me?" I squeaked out.
"What?" He looked down at me all confused.
"Does the rest of your family hate me?" I repeated. "Rosalie and Carlisle and…..and…."
"Esme?" He asked and I nodded. He smiled and put his arm around my shoulder. "No, not really."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, Esme and Carlisle don't know you; neither does Rose for that matter but she's a little more opinionated then most." He shrugged off. "With Esme and Carlisle all they would have to do is see how happy Edward is and they would love you; especially Esme. She's been waiting for as long as she has known Edward for him to find someone special."
"And Rose?" I noticed he hadn't really said anything about her.
He gave me a sideways smile. Not crooked like Edwards but almost more resigned. "Rose had a certain way of seeing things" He started. "It's not that she doesn't like you or couldn't like you but she would need time to warm up to you. But once she did she would lay down her life for you." He defended loyally. "You just have to be patient with her and give her some time."
I nodded but didn't say anything else. "Was there a reason you asked?"
"I was just wondering since I haven't really met them." I said reaching for a cherry Coke.
"Don't worry" He had his arm still around me and squeezed my shoulder. "They'll love you once we get you back home."
We turned and I saw Edward staring at us from the counter. Emmett's arm dropped in response to the expression on his face and I saw his eyebrows draw together. I didn't know what he was telling him but whatever it was I didn't think it helped.
I wasn't sure if he had overheard us or not but he looked as if he had and he wasn't happy about the tone of our conversation. I walked slowing over to him and Emmett stayed right next to me. He looked as if he was ready to pull me away at a moment's notice if Edward made the wrong move but I knew he wouldn't. He might be angry that I had asked questions about his family but he wouldn't hurt me.
"Is that all?" He asked formally. I nodded and he added it to the gas for his car and the van.
We all walked out and got back inside the car. No one said anything as we followed the road back to the highway or as we rode along to Chattanooga. When we got to town Edward let Jasper and Alice come around front since Alice had made the hotel reservations. We pulled in and went to our rooms.
Edward hadn't said a word to me since we left Memphis and he didn't say anything as he laid down on the bed with his arms open for me. I sat down beside him instead of laying there and he dropped his arms down.
"I know you're mad but I just wanted to know." I referred to my gas station conversation with Emmett.
"I'm not mad" He said in a voice that didn't convince me at all.
"Then what are you thinking?" I turned his favorite question back on him.
"I'm thinking that I love you" He said taking my hand. "And I'm thinking that you love me and that it makes sense that you would think this might be the best way but Bella" he was shaking his head. "You have no idea of what you're asking; what you're thinking."
"Then explain it to me." I moved closer to him. "Explain to me why it would be better for us to be apart then for you to make me like you."
"It's not something you can understand."
How dare he? "I think I've fairly intelligent and I can grasp complex thoughts Edward."
"Bella let it go."
"No. Not until you explain why I should be like you."
"Because…" He trailed off.
"There is an enlightened argument." I said sarcastically. "Because; isn't that used by most parents on three year olds to get them to shut up."
"Bella."
"Is that how you see me Edward? Like some three year old child that doesn't know what she wants?"
"Of course not" He was pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Then tell me why you think it would be better to leave me than change me."
"This isn't up for discussion."
Suddenly I was livid. Here I was ready to abandon my whole life, for the second time, for him and he wouldn't even talk to me about it. How dare he make these types of decisions for me?
"So I don't get a say in the decisions that affect my own life?" I asked standing up to look down at him.
"Of course you do but not this one." He sat up.
"You overbearing, egotistical jackass" What was he thinking? I saw his eyes widen at my statement but in that moment I didn't care. "I think you should go." I walked over to the door but he was there before I reached it.
"What?" He looked down at me. I could see the hurt that my request was causing him but I needed to think and I couldn't do that with him here.
"I think you should stay in Emmett's room tonight." I stood my ground.
"Bella" he reached for me.
"I'm sorry Edward." I backed up. "You can't tell me that you plan to leave me when we get to Florida because you havedecided that it's what's best for me without consulting me or asking my opinion and then expect me to keep sharing a room with you."
"I need to think" I told him. "And I would appreciate it if you left now."
He stayed there for a minute more but in the end turning and walking out the door. It nearly killed me to watch him walk away but I couldn't spend tonight in his arms knowing that I only had so many left. Maybe this would be for the best. Give him an idea of what it would be like without me. Maybe then he would come around. If not I would go to Alice. He wasn't the only vampire I knew and whether he liked it or not my decision had been made. Now it was just a matter of time.
AN: Another week another two chapter and we could be getting close to the end. Will Edward leave her? Will Alice kidnap her too? Am I preparing a sequel; Kidnapped: the Alice chronicles. Just joking on that last one. Although it sounds like it would be funny to write I think I'm sticking to just this.
Don't forget to review and don't forget my contest over on my blog. Until next week, keep reading :).