CHAPTER 17: Sweet Surrender
Edward POV
I was in hell. I always knew that I would end up here but I just expected to have to be ripped apart and burned first. However, I would gladly trade driving into Florida for the chance to be ripped apart and burned; because it would have to hurt less than what I was feeling now.
Things had gone from bad to worse since I had left Bella last night. I hadn't gone to Emmett's room but out for a run. I had run all the way back to Tennessee and still felt awful. Then this morning packing the car back up knowing that this was the last that I might see Bella had been like jabbing me with hot pokers but when she had decided to ride with Alice and Emmett instead of me she might as well have pulled my dead heart right out of my chest. We only had so long together and she didn't even want to spend our last hours together. I had been three seconds from grabbing her and making a break for it.
I wanted to go anywhere but where we were headed. Anywhere that would be far away from this place. I would swim with her across the Atlantic if it meant that I could have just a few more days with her. I remember when we had first started out I had been worried that I wouldn't last one day with her in the car and now I knew that I wouldn't last one hour without her in it.
Everyone had been right. I wasn't going to be able to do this. I wasn't going to be able to walk away from her. To go back to my lonely existence; watching my siblings and my parents enjoy their beloved knowing that mine was across the world from me. I couldn't exist like that. She had changed too much.
But what then? Change her into a monster? Take away all that she has and all that she could have just because of my selfish desires? That didn't seem right but right and wrong were meaning less and less to me the closer we got to Jacksonville; the closer I got to losing Bella.
What if I moved here? I wouldn't be able to go outside during the day but as long as I could be with her would I care about that? No, I wouldn't. Still, how long before she became sick of only seeing me at night when her family was fast asleep and she should be too. I would be pulling her into the darkness anyway with that plan almost as surely as I would if I changed her.
Could I take her back to Forks with me and spend her life with her? Not change her but stay with her until her time on this earth has past and then join her in whatever there was that awaited me. Would she be open to that? A compromise of sorts. I would get to keep her and she would get to keep her soul. We could be happy, I could make her happy, at least until she started to yearn for something more. Until she realized all that I was keeping her from. Once she did could I have the strength to let her go?
I saw the vision again in my head. A laughing Bella who looked so young and carefree leaning against me and my smile radiate because of her. Only this time I saw her human and not pale and yellowed eyed. I would be content and happy just to be with her but would she feel the same for me? Would she be willing to only sacrifice a little so that we could stay together?
I would ask. I could do that. It would not be too much to ask. To explain my feelings and hope that she would be willing to give a little. Bella was a reasonable person and she had accepted everything about us so easily surely this would just be one more thing to accept and we could be happy and together. She could see the logic in that. But what if she didn't though?
What if I explain myself to her and she still doesn't understand; could I do it? Could I damn her to this? Would she hate me one day when she sees all that she gave up for me? When she realizes that I wasn't worth it? I wouldn't be able to shoulder her hatred over something that is preventable now.
I saw the sign that announced our destination. We had made it and I had only minutes to decide. Only minutes to make peace with losing her or keeping her. I wished for the millionth time that she was next to me. That I could reach out and hold her hand, look into her eyes, feel her warmth, anything to make this easier. But she wasn't with me and if I didn't choose right she never would be again.
We pulled up to the hotel that Bella's mother should have been in and I thanked God that they had an underground parking lot. When we got out there was a somber mood around all of us. No one was joking, not even Emmett, we all just walked to the lobby and waited as Alice checked everyone in. She asked what room Bella's mom and stepfather were in but they hadn't checked in yet.
I carried Bella's things up to our floor and down to her room all the while debating how I might approach her. I wanted to do it just right so that it didn't end up like last night but lately everything I said to her came out wrong.
When we reached her door she stopped and turned to face me. Neither of us said anything until the rest of my family had gone into their rooms. I started to speak but she cut me off.
"Thank you Edward." She was smiling at me.
"For what?" I put her bags down beside me.
"For protecting me and sharing this amazing road trip with me but mostly for loving me."
"Always"
"I'll never forget you." I saw the tear fall out of her eye and she was in my arms before it left her face.
"Bella" I could say no more. My lips found hers and I was pulling her closer to me than I had planned. I had just enough presence of mind to remember to be gentle but just barely. I reached behind her breaking the lock to the door and carrying her in. Before I knew anything we were floating down on the bed, Bella clasp tightly to me.
She pulled at my shirt and I ripped it off rather than stop kissing her. I could feel her hands running up and down my back and the feel of it was like giving a dying man air. Her shirt quickly joined mine in pieces as my mouth moved down her body. She was beautiful and loving and everything that I could ever want in another but most importantly she was mine and she would stay mine.
"Edward" She breathed my name and I looked up into her face and everything became so clear.
It didn't matter what I had done in the past or what I had to do to keep her I would do it. I might not be worth it but she was worth it. She was worth it all. She was everything to me and I couldn't go through eternity without her. I couldn't begin every day without her beside me or spend one more night without her in my arms. Everyone had been right and I had been so stubborn but not anymore. When I left Florida Bella would be by my side.
"Bella" I sat up pulling her with me. "I'm sorry."
She looked down. "That's okay. I understand if you don't want to."
She had gotten it wrong again. How could we be so close and keep misunderstanding each other? "No Bella, I want to. Believe me I want to but we need to talk."
"It's fine Edward" She placed her hand on the side of my face. "You've made your choice and I love you enough to respect that even if I don't agree with it. I'll just have to hope that one day you come back to me."
I was humbled. Here I had pushed her almost completely away and still she trusted me and had faith that things would work out. I didn't come close to deserving her but I was going to work at it even if it took the rest of forever. I was going to hold on to her for as long as I could, for as long as she would let me.
"Bella you have it all wrong." I put my hand over hers holding them both against my chest where my heart should have been beating. "I love you. I love you so much and I was apologizing for all that I have done over the last few days."
"I was wrong. I was so wrong to think that I could last one day, one hour, one minute without you with me. Just the thought of leaving you here is so painful there aren't words to describe it. You mean everything to me."
She launched herself at me wrapping her warm body around my cold one and kissing me harder than before. I didn't want to stop her but I was so close to losing control. I had been brought up to respect women and what goes between a man and a woman. If I were destined to destroy her soul the least I could do was leave her virtue intact. There would be plenty of time to indulge in every fantasy I could imagine but now wasn't it.
"Bella we have to stop." I reached up to un-wrap her arms from around my neck. I needed to put some space between us before I cast all my noble intentions out the window.
"Why? I thought you said you wanted to."
"I do but Bella I could lose control and hurt you without thinking about it." I didn't want to think it but I knew that it could happen and I was too cowardly to admit the real reason. "I can't take that chance with you."
She didn't say anything but leaned into me and put her arms around my waist. It was like she finally understood and we were on the same page. I pulled us both so that I was leaning against the head board and she was leaning against me. I knew that I should pull the comforter between us so that she didn't get cold but I didn't want to. Just because I was trying to resist the wine didn't mean that I couldn't enjoy the bouquet and the feel of her this close to me was addicting. It made the choice more real. That I would be here lying with her like this.
"Are you two just going to leave the bags out here all night?" Emmett said opening the door. I reacted faster that Bella could see covering her up. Bella's body was just for me and my brother didn't need to see any of it. "And what happened to the door?"
He walked in and stopped, the bags dropping. He's mouth was wide open and for the first time ever he was speechless. Even his thoughts were blank. I felt the heat from Bella's face and I knew that she was embarrassed but there was no reason to be. We belonged together and nothing was wrong with us being as close as we could without her getting hurt.
"I broke the lock."
"You broke the lock?" Bella was looking up at me. "When did you do that? Why did you do that?"
"I was in a hurry" I explained smiling crookedly at her and if possible she turned redder.
I looked over to see Emmett still standing there staring at us. "Emmett could you please go" I asked when it looked like he wasn't going to leave.
"Hmm" He blinked and shook himself out of it. "Leave, yeah right." He was completely flustered. "I'll get the door." 'Bout time you got some Eddie.
I should have known that the shock would wear off eventually. He closed the door behind him and Bella sat up clutching the comforter to her chest. "Do you think he's going to tell the others?"
I smiled at her worried face. If she was going to be part of my life and part of this family then she was going have to get over wondering what they all thought or knew. "Love, Alice probably already saw it before anything happened and Jasper more than likely felt the emotions. So I would say that they already know."
"Ugh" she buried her face in my chest.
I laughed lightly while stroking her hair. "I'm sorry but its hard keeping things quiet in the Cullen family. Between my mind reading, Alice's visions, and Jasper feeling everyone's emotion it just doesn't make sense to even try."
"That's going to take some getting us to." She looked up. "Good thing I'll have forever to try."
I flinched when she mentioned it. "What's wrong?" Her face went from content to concern.
"Nothing" I didn't want to ruin the moment and if I voiced my thoughts I knew that I would. Just because I couldn't live without her didn't mean that I was comfortable with what that decision was going to cost her. We had known each other two weeks and she was ready to give up her life for me but that didn't mean that I was ready to let her. It still seemed extremely selfish but I couldn't leave her and I wouldn't last if she left me.
"Tell me" She pushed.
"Just let it go"
"No" She pulled back from me. "What is it?"
I took a deep breath. "It still seems wrong to me and completely selfish."
"What does?"
"Letting you give up your life just to be with me."
"It doesn't have to be tomorrow Edward" she was shaking her head and smiling at me. "I know that it's going to be hard and to do it now would be to rush into it. But I just needed to know that you wanted me with you. I can wait a while until you're ready."
"I'm never going to be ready to take away your soul?" And I was scared she wouldn't stay with me if I didn't.
"What makes you think that you would be taking away my soul?"
"We're vampires Bella. Creatures of the night. By all accounts, we're damned."
"Well I don't believe that." She was amazing. Sitting there challenging me to disagree with her. "I look at you and at Alice and Jasper and Emmett and I see souls in each of you. You're kind and generous and accepting. You risked everything to protect me and the way that Alice and Jasper love each other and the joy that flows out of Emmett. I'm sorry but you can't convince me that none of you have a soul."
She sounded so positive that I almost believed her. Carlisle had always believed that we didn't lose our soul. That we still had a chance at heaven but I had always been sure that those gates were closed to us. I had always attributed it to the fact that he had never embraced the monster within. But I had. I had taken lives and drank from the worst of mankind. How could there be redemption for me?
Yet laying here looking at the angel that somehow looked at me and saw nothing but good in what I was I found myself believe that Carlisle was right. That there was a heaven for us right here on earth. That there was forgiveness and peace and joy and that the redemption came in learning to share those feelings with someone else. How could I not when that was exactly what Bella had brought into my life?
"You are amazing" I kissed her gently. "You make me believe in things that I never thought I would."
"Good" she kissed me back. "So no more worrying about my soul?"
"Not a chance. I'm going to worry about that and your heart and all of you and I plan on protecting each and every one of them for all eternity." As long as she would have me, I thought.
"I guess I can live with that."
I pulled her closer to me and resumed kissing her. I could spend forever in this moment. There could be nothing better but I heard my sisters thought outside the door.
Edward, Bella's mother just got here and she is going to come looking for her in fifteen minutes. She sounded as if we were over the rift between us and I was glad. Did you need the seconds too?
I groaned against Bella's mouth. I'll take that as a no but you two are going to want to get up and put on tops. Also you need to switch rooms with Emmett because of the door. Her mother is going to notice it. Not that it's hard to miss but still, that will open up a whole other can of worms. And you probably shouldn't be there when she knocks because she is going to have a hard enough time understanding the last two weeks and Bella going back with us without the added concern about her relationship with you. Speaking of I am so glad that you changed your mind. She was rambling now. And I'm sorry that we were fighting. I hate fighting with you but now everything is okay and Bella and I are going to be sisters for real and I can take her shopping and do her hair and we can have….
"Alice" I hissed.
"Did you just call me your sister?" Bella was looking at me strangely.
"No" I closed my eyes. "I was trying to get her to shut up."
That's not very nice Edward, she huffed. All I did was come to warn you. I could have burst in like Emmett but no. I stayed on this side of the door so really you should be happy with me. I don't get it. We just get over the biggest fight we have ever had and here you are ready to start a new one. Really Edward, what is wrong….
"I'm going to tape her mouth shut so help me." I rolled Bella to the side and went to the door. "I got it Alice and thank you we will be prepared so you can go now."
Fine, I'll be in my room if Bella, she stressed the word, needs me.
"What was that about?"
"You're mother is on the way and Alice thinks it will be better if you're in Emmett's room instead of this one because of the door." I explained.
She laughed. "That would be hard to explain. Okay then let's go." She got up and walked toward me.
"Umm Bella"
"Yeah"
"You might want to put on a shirt."
She looked down and her whole body blushed. I had never wanted her more and it had nothing to do with the blood I could see pulsing up under her skin. She made me laugh and smile and brought so much to my life. I crossed over to where she was pulling clothes out of her bag and began kissing her again. I was never going to get my fill of having her in my arms.
Twelve minutes Edward, Alice called out. I don't know why I bother.
I laughed again. "Get dressed. I'll be outside." As I walked to the door I realized that life with Bella plus my family was never going to be dull or easy but it was going to be worth it.
AN: Sorry this might be a chapter in itself. LOL/JK Okay on I have a few new things on my blog. First off I have a slideshow of all the different places in the story. Be sure to go by and check it out. Then I am starting a read-a-long sort of thing. I picked three stories that are WIP but that come highly recommended and I have the links to them on the blog. I am hoping some of you might be interested in reading along with me and I can post different takes or questions on the blog about the stories and you can respond in the comments. Let me know what you think. Again that blog address is mztspot (dot) blogspot (dot) com.
Finally, I am doing a one-shot contest and it is strongly suggested that we have our work beta'd before we submit it. I am going to apply over at Project Team Beta but being that I waited until almost the last minute I was wondering if any of you, dear readers, are betas and wouldn't mind taking a look at what I have.
That's it for this week. Only a few more chapters left so please review so I know if you have enjoyed this story.
See ya next week.