Broken Bonds and Shattered Dreams
Chapter 3
Shepard had managed to keep the tempest of her emotions that now swirled inside her, laying waste to what little peace she had, bottled up tightly aboard ship. Part of her deeply regretted hurting Elnora back on Illium, but another portion of her being still clung to the faint notion that maybe she could turn one person away from such a life. As she moved through the corridors of the Normandy, she smiled and nodded, greeting those who welcomed her back aboard. Finding both Thane and Samara quarters suited to their tastes, she also visited them, spending considerable time getting to know each and, in her mind, leaving a good impression.
Keeping a tight lid on her true feelings was something she had been adept at. She had grown lax since she had met Liara. Even with death and rebirth, she had remained more playful, open and ever more willing to let her true feelings, both sad and happy, shine out as he had been when her love was by her side. She didn't want that anymore, to have her heart and mind be so visible. Yet, what raged within could no longer be truly put away as her face was etched with red scars, themselves seeming as if they were the cracks of an ancient volcano, full of burning and molten rock pouring upwards from a powerful churning anger deep inside the earth. She felt naked, revealed, and she wanted now to hide away herself from the prying eyes of others. This wish could not be fulfilled, not aboard a ship like this. She would have to wear the same detached and ever strong character her crew expected and needed. Or at least try to.
Upon entering the CIC deck, Kelly had smiled at her, an expression tempered with the knowledge that seeing Liara had hurt her. It seemed that was an open secret now, and Shepard felt that all around her were whisperings about how tragic her situation was, how bad they felt for her, how lonely the Commander must be. She didn't want their pity. She didn't want their sympathy.
None of that mattered to Kelly though. She had run to her, the hug she gave ostensibly in greeting but she had held tight, pulling Shepard into her embrace.
"It is so good to see you, Shepard. I am very glad you are safe."
Despite how awkward it must've seemed to others to linger so long in the arms of what was to be her assistant, she found she didn't care. Her life at this point was already open for all to see, so she might as well find solace in one who was so free with their affection. Kelly didn't seem to mind either, her head resting in Shepard's chest, her ears no doubt hearing the beating of a now confused heart.
After a few moments, they both gently pushed apart from one another. Shepard managed to muster a weak smile while Kelly's eyes searched her face. It must have been as obvious as it would be to anyone with sight that the now expanding scars were a sign of some inner turmoil.
"If you ever need to talk, I am here." Kelly said in a hushed tone. She stared a few moments longer and then slid back on her "professional" face, playing a role for the audience on deck.
"Well, Commander, you have a few messages at your private terminal. Let me know if you need me for anything!" she said in a cheery voice.
"Kelly," Shepard began, "Is Miranda in her office?"
"Yes, Commander. She just sent me a message a few moments ago."
"Good, I need to speak with her."
After fiddling with her private terminal for a few moments and becoming terribly depressed at the content of the messages, most asking for favors, Shepard moved on to the Crew Deck, her tongue ready to unleash harsh words for her second-in-command.
The door to Miranda's office opened and Shepard found herself stunned at what she saw.
A genuine, warm smile crept over Miranda's face and, like a new dawn, it set alight all her features.
"Shepard!" she said, her eyes wide and almost trembling with joy, "I was waiting for you. I cannot thank you enough for what you did for my sister. No one has ever done something like that for me, not without a price. I don't know what to say."
So much for a righteous and angry outburst. Her rage melted away. Seeing Miranda reunited with her younger sister and also spared from a life under a tyrannical father had made her feel satisfied, an emotion not so often found anymore in her work.
"It was my pleasure. I was glad to see you so happy and I am pleased that your sister is now safe and with a family that will love and shelter her."
Miranda stood and motioned for Shepard to join her on a couch with its backdrop a view of the stars themselves. As they both sat, the usually rigid woman seemed at ease now, many of her usual defenses down.
"You are in a rare mood, Miranda. It is lovely to see your face shining as it is now." Shepard found herself unable to be rough with the beaming woman next to her now even as conflicting emotions from her time on Illium gnawed on her.
"Am I not allowed to be so happy?" Miranda asked with playful indignation.
"Of course you are. I just hope to see more of it."
"I hope you aren't teasing me again? That, or is there truly a country-maiden, as you said earlier, beneath that no-nonsense exterior?"
"You rebuilt me didn't you? Did you not peer into the deepest parts of my personality?"
Miranda smirked with confidence now, the memory of her life's finest work coming back to her.
"Indeed, I did rebuild you. A damn fine job, if I say so myself. I did see QUITE a bit of you, Shepard. Yet, not even my skill could account for your personality, being what it is."
"Oh? What is that mysterious aspect then that you now discover?"
The question seemed to take Miranda by surprise. A slight panic seemed to grip her and, as if trying to get a hold of herself, she ran her fingers through her dark hair in thought.
"Ah, um."
Shepard couldn't help but grin. Had she actually managed to disarm the ever stoic Cerberus loyalist?
"Well," Miranda began, "sometimes you are forceful, commanding, even violent. Then in another moment you are deep and thoughtful using words like those of someone well read. At other times still you show a…"
Her tongue seemed to be tripping over itself.
"A gentleness. A kindness I wouldn't expect from someone with your history…"
Shepard flinched. Not even in death could she escape her past. Her mind began to race with awful memories and she sincerely hoped all that had happened to her, the full story, would never be known by anyone again. Anyone but the criminal justice system on Earth and Liara.
Liara. She had shared those memories with her during a melding. In time, as they bonded further in their love, what Shepard had been through became part of the asari. All of it.
She didn't want to think about those things. Not right now.
As her mind wandered into shadowy corners, Miranda reached out and grasped her arm gently. It was a surprising gesture.
"I didn't mean to say something like that. I meant to say you are kind. Simply put."
Shepard exhaled slowly, her mind returning to the present.
"You can never really let go of the past, it seems. I take the compliment as it was intended, though. Thank you."
A pained expression, one of guilt, now spread over Miranda's face. She bit her lip as if now sorry she had said anything at all.
"Well, anyway Miranda, I came to talk to you about something personal. I was going to blow up at you, but your radiance has left me without the ability to be angry at you…" Shepard said.
"Angry?" Miranda responded with surprise, "Did I do something wrong, Commander?"
"Why didn't you tell me about how Cerberus recovered my body?"
Miranda's face fell..
"Ah, Liara must have…"
"Yes, she did. I felt like you sandbagged me. I am growing more and more to rely on you Miranda. Your counsel is becoming invaluable to me, but you keeping that fact from me was devastating. It hurt to hear it from Liara, to be unprepared for such a meeting. It was, seeing her like, she is, ah, damnit…"
"I am sorry. I never wanted you to…I never wanted us to go to Illium. If not for the need to…"
"That is not the point, Miranda! I don't need you to protect me from the harshness of truth. I need you to TELL me the truth. At very least so I could partially understand why Liara is so…"
She couldn't finish the sentence. She didn't know how to. The change in Liara, the person she so dearly loved, was so inexplicable, even with the 'reasoning' offered.
"What else did she tell you, Shepard?" Miranda asked gently.
"Just that someone who helped her may be in danger. That she needed to help him and get back at the Shadow Broker for what 'he' did. She didn't go into great detail, but in essence I felt like I was being told to go away."
"I wish it hadn't of happened like that. I should've been there. Maybe my presence would have made the explanation easier. Did you at least have some personal time with her?"
"No," Shepard said flatly, "but she did ask me to do something for her."
"Did she?"
"Yeah. She asked me to hack terminals for her."
Shepard laughed, a bitter put preferable reaction than to cry at such absurdity.
"Hack terminals for her! I did it. I wanted to help her because of what we had…what we still have…oh I don't know anymore."
Shepard crossed her arms, now brooding.
"Look, Miranda. I am sorry to take the joy out of seeing your sister. It was just hard for me, is all."
"No apologies. You are right. I should've told you. I am honored you see me as someone you can turn to and I will try to not betray that trust. Your faith in me means a lot."
The two women looked at each other, their emotions now laid bare and vulnerabilities exposed. For two strong people to see one another stripped of the public personas they carried on was an unnerving, but also liberating experience. The long silence between then seemed to stretch for ages, both at a loss for what to say.
"Well," Shepard began, "How do you want to do this?"
"Shepard?" Miranda asked.
"This kind of awkward silence can only end one way. So, do you want me to clear off the table or do you prefer to do it right here?" she responded with a wicked look in her eye.
"God!" Miranda said while laughing, "You are scandalous aren't you?"
"I do my very best."
"Well, perhaps there is something we can do to get our mind off of all that has happened."
Shepard raised an eyebrow, "I said that in jest Miranda, but if you really want…"
"As 'intriguing' as that thought of the two of us having a torrid affair may be, particularly to the male members of our crew, I was thinking a less physical activity. A small gathering of your squad is taking place in the Observatory, the one where Kasumi has made herself at home. I think it would bolster their spirits to see their Commander for a few moments."
Shepard grimaced. While interacting with Miranda had calmed her some, the last thing she needed now was more public relations work. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts.
"I don't think so. I would prefer to…"
"Be alone? No, Shepard, I don't think that is a good idea. Come with me, I think you will enjoy yourself. Garrus is there and…" her eyes narrowed, "Kelly and a few others."
The way Miranda had said the name of the young Ms. Chambers had the slightest hints of negativity, the source unclear at this point.
"Well, maybe a few minutes wouldn't hurt. For morale and all that."
She stood, turning her back and making strides towards the door. Stopping suddenly she spoke.
"Oh, we shouldn't go together. Unless, of course, you really do want to start rumors…"
"I don't know about you sometimes, Shepard." Miranda responded.
Smiling, she made her way out of the room. For the time being, her afflictions seemed lifted, the antidote of human niceties having stemmed the tide of surging emotions. It wouldn't last, but she would enjoy it while she could.
Unseen to the Commander, Miranda's eyes followed her exit, watching every confident stride made by her long legs. She shook her head quickly, breaking the mesmerized gaze. "A strange woman," she said under her breath, "but definitely worthy of my attention."
There had been some disgruntled murmurings when Kasumi had simply taken over one of the Observatory chambers on the crew deck. As if by magic, furniture, paintings, and other items collected during her exotic and dangerous travels had filled the otherwise plain room. She had made it up to the crew by having a bar installed with fine drinks that came at no cost to any who would join her. As such, she had become quite popular for her stories of intrigue and good company. She had also become something of the ships "information broker", knowing the every detail of the social goings on aboard the Normandy.
Shepard entered 'Kasumi's' room to find a warm greeting awaiting her. The couches, chairs, and stools in the room were all filled with familiar faces. Kasumi herself, the "host" of this society event, was sitting in her usual spot near the Observatory window above the rest of the action as if she were watching every movement and listening in on every conversation, which she likely was.
"Shepard!" Kelly cried out with excitement, "We didn't expect you to come!" She waved over the Commander and patted on an open spot on the couch right next to her. "Sit with me!"
As she moved to accept the invitation, her eyes scanned over the room. Garrus raised a glass at her from the bar. Miranda, sitting near the turian nodded in acknowledgement of her presence, a restrained and distant demeanor having returned. Tali and Thane were involved in some sort of game of skill, a bit like chess, and intensely wrapped up in their competition. Many others were wandering about the room, drinks in hand, admiring the art or simply chatting amongst themselves.
As she slid next to Kelly, the smiling woman gave her a firm squeeze on the arm. She leaned in and, while looking as if she were about to deliver a kiss to the cheek, instead whispered in Shepard's ear, "It is very, very good to see you here. I hope you can stay awhile."
"Thank Miranda for my presence. She threatened me with biotic savagery if I failed to make an appearance. Just look at her cold stare towards me!" Shepard whispered in return, her cheek brushing against Kelly's own.
As they both turned towards Miranda, the brunette's own gaze fixed on them, they shared a laugh. The iron-willed servant of Cerberus did not seem amused by their secretive humor and simply shook her head.
Kasumi was also watching the scene before her, her eyes like cameras recording what she saw. Shepard imagined she was processing this interaction for some later intrigue she would weave.
"Shep," Kasumi said, addressing the Commander with a much disliked moniker, "I am disappointed to see you are not wearing the black dress I got for you."
"Ah, Kasumi, I am far too modest for a thing of such beauty. I will wear it again, one day, I promise."
"It looks good on you. As for your supposed modesty, I think reality shows that to be far from the case."
A few nervous laughs could be heard. Shepard didn't mind being the object of humor in this case, though she was concerned by what Kasumi was implying.
"Anyway…" Kelly began, drawing them all into conversation.
From a distance, Miranda watched Shepard like an eagle.
"Do you get paid to stare at the Commander or is this some steamy attraction I am watching blossom?" Garrus said to her.
"Don't let your perverse imagination run wild. It is my job to watch over Shepard's well being, among other things. I just want to be sure she is adjusting."
"Hard to adjust after all that has happened to her."
Miranda turned to the turian.
"Her death?"
"That…and other things."
"Oh? I have read of her history."
Garrus suddenly regretted saying anything at all.
"Eh, it's not my place to talk for her." He said flatly.
"If I am to look out for her, then I need to know if there is anything else I should be aware of."
"I don't really feel comfortable talking her private life."
"You care about, Shepard, I get it. You are close friends, but I would like to think that I too care about her in the same way."
"You care about an investment." Garrus shot back at her.
Miranda's face hardened in anger.
"How dare you. I see her as much more than credits spent, turian. It is not for YOU to judge the depths of my feelings for her."
Garrus' eyes scanned Miranda's face, looking for some reason to distrust her. He was good at reading people, part of his jobs both past and present, and he detected no reason to think the woman was lying. He may not have liked her, but she did have concern for Shepard. He swiveled his stool to face away from the crowds and towards the row of drinks along the wall. Miranda did the same, an attempt at hiding what she imagined would be a very private talk.
"Look, I will be brief," Garrus began, "You probably already know Shepard was born on Earth, poor, in a rough place. That much is in her file. A lot of terrible stuff happened beyond that. She lost a sister to a gang that was prominent in the area. I guess they had a vendetta against Shepard herself. They followed her throughout her life, stalking her like monsters would a small child in a horror movie. Eventually she escaped them, even killed a few of them, but not without suffering. She found safety in the military life."
"I had heard hints about such things. A sister who went missing…"
"There was a lot more to it than that, more than I will tell even you. I don't even know the full story, only Liara T'Soni does. They fell in love in front of my eyes, and with the help of Ashley Williams we pushed along their relationship. Actually, Ashley basically forced me to go along with it, but that is not the point. We ran into some old enemies of Shepard's on the Citadel and they tried to kill Liara. Bottom line, Shepard took them out with our help. Bad people, from what I could guess."
Miranda stared into her glass, watching the settled, amber liquid.
"I can only imagine what she has seen…"
"No, you couldn't. Not with the charmed life you have had. Neither could I. That's why it made me feel terrible to see how Liara is now. She was the best thing to happen to Shepard. Someone caring, understanding, and protective. She needs that, but now it looks like she lost Liara to time."
Miranda turned her barstool again, looking back at Shepard. She was smiling and laughing, Kelly close at her side sharing in the moment.
"I think I understand." She said.
"Understand?" Garrus asked.
"Kelly dotes on her. It's obvious."
Garrus turned and looked at Shepard.
"She is, uh, sweet I guess. I think it helps Shepard to have someone like that in her life. Nothing can probably really help the grief she feels over Liara, though."
Miranda swallowed deeply.
"Do you think they are…?"
"Kelly and Shepard?" Garrus responded, taken aback by the suggestion.
"Yeah." Miranda replied wistfully.
"Is this a personal or professional interest?"
Miranda shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Raising her glass to her mouth, she took a long drink, the alcohol burning like fire as it made its way down her throat. She wasn't sure herself why she was so eager to hear an answer to that question.
"By the fact you had to take a drink…"
"Both. What if I told you it was maybe both?" Miranda said suddenly, surprising herself at the admission.
Garrus swirled the glass in his own hand, a strange look coming over him.
"I'd say in your capacity as her second-in-command, her relationship with Chambers is a positive thing. Personally…"
"Ah, I don't know why I asked, it isn't important."
"Personally," Garrus continued, "You're the right gender, as she doesn't go for my team. You get what I am saying. As for you, well, I don't know if you're her type."
"Her type?" Miranda said, her tone snappy.
"I'm surprised you are asking this. I never got the sense you, uh, swung that way."
"I haven't, I don't. Ah, I don't know what you are talking about. Forget it." Miranda swiveled back around and began fixing herself another drink, now seeming perturbed by their discussion.
"Whatever you say, Ms. Lawson. I don't think you would be able to handle her anyway."
Miranda pretended she didn't hear Garrus' remark. Her hands were her sole focus as she poured another stiff drink in the hopes her already confused state would become hazier.
Garrus watched as the now rattled human drew into herself. Miranda was strong, a bit arrogant, but loyal and determined. She could be dismissive, even intolerant of people and their ideas. Yet, she would be an equal to Shepard, in personality if not in gravitas and talent.
"She must feel alone, you know," he said, trying to draw in the woman, "A lot of hurt she is hiding."
Miranda stopped her activity, his words striking something inside her.
"She isn't alone. She has us. People like you and I."
"Yeah, that she does. We will take care of her, then."
"Yes. Yes, I think we will."
While Garrus and Miranda reflected on their talk, Shepard had managed to find a welcome distraction in her time at the gathering so far.
"Kasumi…" Shepard began, "I have to say I admire your book collection. Do you think I could ever borrow from it?"
The hooded woman smiled.
"I had thought you would appreciate it. You strike me as the bookish sort, really."
"What gave that away?"
"The way you speak, Shep. You jump back and forth between the vernacular and something resembling the speech patterns of humans before the electric age."
Kelly chuckled. "She is right you know. I've noticed that sometimes."
Shepard's face became red with embarrassment.
"I didn't go to school, not for long. I only could learn from books."
"It's not an insult, Shep. It's endearing really. I feel when I speak to you sometimes I should be wearing a bonnet instead of this hood and be in some green, pastoral landscape." Kasumi said.
"She's saying it's cute." Kelly said while gently grabbing Shepard's hand.
"No, now that is cute." Kasumi responded, while looking at the two in front of her. "Anyway, to your question, you can feel free to borrow my books at any time. I am glad to see someone else admires such an old medium as I do. As a matter of fact, I expanded my collection slightly with a few choice acquisitions from Illium when we were there."
Illium. The very mention of the planet caused Miranda and Garrus to perk up and focus on Kasumi, both concerned by touching upon anything related to that place. Kelly winced ever so slightly, feeling the same apprehension.
"Oh, really. Yes, I am sure you could find anything you want on Illium." Shepard responded distantly.
"I've been there plenty of times. Done a lot of good business there, myself."
Miranda shot a telling look towards Kelly who picked up the unsaid signal.
"Well, speaking of books…" she said, trying to divert the conversation.
"Business?" Shepard interjected.
"Well, you know, you do a lot of interesting things in my line of work. Meet a lot of interesting people." Kasumi continued.
"People, huh? Like who?"
With her eyes hidden, it was hard to read if Kasumi had any reaction to being probed in this manner.
"Powerful people. Weapons dealers, tech experts…"
"Information Brokers?"
Miranda rose, moving close to the area where the ever spiraling conversation was taking place. Garrus watched with worry etched on his face.
"Well, of course. I actually ran into Liara T'Soni, an old companion of yours I believe…"
Miranda froze in her tracks, cursing under her breath. Garrus looked like the wind had been punched out of him. Kelly's face was distraught.
"Oh?" Shepard said.
"Why, yes. She is very powerful and her people very efficient at what they do. She runs a tight ship. I think I had heard you two were an item. I understand it must not have been easy seeing her again."
"God damnit…" Miranda whispered to herself.
"What do you mean by 'were' an item?" Shepard said, her lower lip trembling.
"I, uh, I, well, what happened and all…" Kasumi began to stutter.
"What kind of business does she do, Kasumi?"
Kelly scooted close to Shepard, placing an arm over her shoulders. "Shepard…" she began pleadingly.
"I want to know, what kind of business?"
A cloud of tension had descended upon the room, but only those who were tuned into the Commander's history would feel it.
"Well, information…" Kasumi began.
"No, REALLY." Shepard demanded.
"Typical stuff, Shepard. You know. Buying and selling important data. Ensuring the transfer of various goods. Enforcing contracts…"
"Murder?"
"Ah, maybe we should change the subject…" Miranda said.
Shepard glared at Kasumi, her eyes piercing the veiled woman.
"I didn't mean anything Shepard, seriously. It was stupid to bring this up…"
"Tell me, Kasumi."
"She's not Eclipse. She's not haphazard, but sometimes bad things have to happen in the course of business. Sometimes deals aren't as noble as one might like to think."
Shepard stood quickly, her scars flared red.
"She should know BETTER…" she said as her voice quivered.
"Shepard, wait, I am sure Liara doesn't mean to…" Kelly tried to say.
"She should KNOW better. After everything I showed her. Did the whole Galaxy go to shit when I died?" she yelled. Now everyone's attention fixed on the dramatic scene unfolding and the room fell silent.
"C'mon Shepard, let's just calm down and…" Garrus said, moving forward to make his own attempt to prevent another eruption.
"No. I failed. I failed Liara. I failed Elnora. Even the Council turns their back to me." she said in a low voice, almost as if she were speaking to herself. "I am sorry, Kasumi. I should not have yelled at you. I had better just go. I have a lot on my mind."
Shepard stormed out of the room, the door flying open before her.
Kelly and Miranda both moved to follow her, then stopping and looking at one another. For a moment it seemed as if they were conflicted, undecided about who should pursue.
"Go to her," Miranda said finally, such words having more weight than it seemed, "I will check on her later."
Kelly nodded and sprinted to catch up with Shepard.
Everyone was in shock. The crowd began to mutter amongst themselves, doing their best to figure out what had just happened.
Miranda turned slowly to Kasumi as her entire form radiating a terribly fury in movement and expression.
"Badly done, Kasumi. Very badly done."