Part 6
4 days later
Syed got out of bed and strolled into the lounge. There was no point trying to sleep. His mind was full of so much stuff whirring round and round. Either it was memories of him and Christian keeping him awake or other times it would be the guilt over Amira and he would keep seeing her crushed body in his mind.
He sat on the sofa and put his head in his hands. He was so so tired and this lack of sleep was affecting his work. He had made some silly mistakes recently and couldn't afford to keep doing this. He had to be able to do his job, it was the only thing that kept him going. No, in all honesty, the only thing that kept him going was Christian. Just even an odd glimpse here and there was better than nothing. He ached to be with him and be held by him but then as soon as those feelings came to mind, the guilt over Amira rushed in and made him feel worse for feeling that way.
He went out to the kitchen and picked up the knife. After a couple of minutes he sat back down again and felt slightly better. He was only just aware of the pain on his arms. He looked at one of his arms and the blood glistened where he had cut it. What was he doing to himself? He suddenly felt really disgusted and felt bile rush up in his throat and ran to the sink just in time before he was sick.
He slid down onto the floor wondering what on earth he could do now. He couldn't carry on like this anymore, Christian was right he needed to get help. He stood up shakily and picked up his mobile calling him. What time was it? 2.30 in the morning, he guessed he would be asleep.
"Please Christian please answer I need you."
The phone kept ringing and then the ansaphone picked up. Syed hung up kicking the cupboard in frustration. Perhaps Christian had struck lucky and was out partying with someone. His phone suddenly rang and he answered it.
"Hello?"
"Syed did you call me just now?"
"Yes I know it's really late but ………"
"What's wrong?" Christian interrupted.
"I need to see you, I'm scared. I don't know what to do anymore." His voice broke on the last word and he just heard Christian's response "I'll be right over okay."
He sat there for what seemed like ages before he heard the bell ring. He stood up and answered the door. Christian walked in and could see straightaway that he had cut his arms again. There was fresh blood on his arms.
"Here let's take care of this" and he guided him to the sink and washed the cuts and then put plasters on them. He led Syed to the sofa and sat down next to him.
"I don't seem able to stop doing it" Syed said almost in a whisper. Christian realised he was talking about the self-harming.
"That's why you need professional help Syed, you just needed to persevere with the counselling."
Syed nodded and dropped his head and started crying "I can't sleep at all. Every time I try I see Amira or think of other things" he looked over at Christian hoping he wouldn't know what other things he was referring to "I'm so tired and I just want all this to be over and everything back to normal."
Christian put his arm around him and pulled him in for a hug "hey hey it's going to be alright, we can go back to the doctor again and I really think you should take the anti-depressants just for a short while and have another go at the counselling. Why don't you ask for a different counsellor? See if that helps."
Syed nodded "yes I have to try." He stopped crying and his head rested on Christian's shoulder. They sat in silence for a few minutes and then when Christian looked down at Syed a few minutes later, he could see that Syed had fallen asleep. He smiled to himself and gently put his arms around him and carried him into the bedroom. He eased him down onto the bed and covered Syed with the quilt.
He went back into the lounge and decided he would sleep on the sofa just in case Syed called out for him in the night. The next morning they would go back to the doctor's.