Primal Music

Two weeks later like a surplus reprieve
I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve
I wound it round and round my finger so tight
It turned to purple and a pulse formed inside

And I knew the beat 'cause it matched your own beat
I still remember it from our chest to chest and feet to feet
The easy silence then was a sweet relief to this hush
Of ovens, aeroplanes and of distant car horns

I was so sick of this shit.

Of everything. Of running away for a second time, of ending up in California, on a freaking beach at freaking sunset. Of all of this being so cliché. But most of all I was sick of finding her standing only a few feet from me staring out at the sea. Couldn't fate – or whatever it was that continued to torture me – look for another, more willing target and leave me the fuck alone? I'd like to make use of my free will before I bite the dust, really.

But it wasn't like fate had a phone number and I was standing here, at sunset, on a beach, staring at her like I'd never seen a girl before. And if fate hadn't had enough already, it would make sure that she'd turn around to face me. Yeah, she did. Of course, because fate never has enough and because it was sadistic.

She frowned openly at me, as if she didn't like the idea of me randomly appearing at her little hideout place as much as I didn't like the idea of running into her in my pathetic attempt to flee from life. And fate, but that would never leave me alone, anyway.

The way I gawked at her probably reminded her very much of imprinting, the thing that drove her away from the tiny reservation that had ruined both of our lives. I forced my eyes away from her angered face and fixed them on her feet instead, which were bare and sunken in in the fine, California sand.

I considered backing off and running in the other direction instead of staying where I stood but quickly decided against it. For one, I'd have to phase and let the pack assail me with questions. And it would add to Leah's suspicion that I had just imprinted on her, which I didn't, by the way, and that was certainly not what I wanted.

So I did nothing at all, continued to admire her feet and hid my hands in my jeans pockets like the coward I was. Finally, when I'd come to the point to think we'd spend all of our ridiculously extended life spans on this lonesome beach, Leah spoke up. It was nothing too original, short, and not close to anything I would have expected. Because I'd expected her to either tell me to "fuck off", to "spit it out" or to "take a picture so it'll last longer". No, she said none of those what I had assumed were Leah-ish things to start – and end – a conversation. What she did say was; "Hello, Jacob." No biting edge to it, nothing. It was almost… disturbing to hear her use a decent tone. More disturbing to hear her greet someone, especially me, who she'd never been on friendly terms with.

Considering all of this, I was dumbfounded. I looked back up at her face which was still showing a bit of hostility but I guessed, when it came to Leah Clearwater, you should be happy when she was not attempting to bite your head off.

"Leah," I said, not quite managing to add a "hello" or a "hey". She raised her brows and lifted her chin a little before she turned her attention back to the mercilessly crashing waves. Her muscles were tense but apart from that, she showed no sign that my presence was bothering her. She was ignoring me.

For a moment, I wondered if I was dreaming all of this, if I had collapsed somewhere mid-run due to my lack of sleep and was having a weird-ass-dream. But no, there was that scent – pines and rain and a bit of crocus – in the air that told me that it couldn't be a dream. Why would I be able to smell the unmistakable scent of Leah when she really wasn't there, just a few steps from where I stood? That, and Clearwater would be the last person to star in my dreams, ever.

"There's always a first." My head snapped up. If it hadn't been for the wind, carrying her quiet whisper to my ears, I wouldn't have heart it. Despite all of my supersensitive senses. I eyed Leah closely, searching for any kind of proof that she was talking to me.

She wasn't; I watched her lips move almost unnoticeably as she muttered to herself. I wasn't sure what was more creepy; her having the same thoughts as me or her suddenly reading minds. I shuddered, I didn't need another Edward in my life, one was by far more than enough.

I gritted my teeth. That bastard. Taking Be – her away from me was one thing, but taking her life away from her made me absolutely livid. And the worst thing was that she did all that willingly. She loved what was growing inside her. She loved what was already killing her. She was a such a fool. My toes dug into the sand as they curled in anger and frustration. She would rather risk her life carrying his child than giving me a chance. What had I done to deserve this, what the hell had I done wrong? My eyes were closed tightly as I tried to swallow a yelp of pain. Fuck, I thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is going to kill me.

"Jacob." Abruptly, I reopened my eyes only to come face to face with Leah. I instinctively took a step back while I stared at her face. This was new. Her eyes were wide, one corner of her mouth pulled down, eyebrows pulled together and her forehead wrinkled. A look I had never seen on her before. This was pity. I winced as I felt my heart throb painfully. No, no, no. I didn't need anyone's pity. I didn't need Bella's pity and I sure as hell didn't need Leah's. I got tenser as that expression on her face didn't change. I had to get out of here.

I took a few more steps backwards before I swirled around, ready to make a run for it. You're laughable. Running won't keep the pain away, the more rational part of me tried to interfere. Of course it was laughable but what the fuck was I supposed to do? Stay in La Push and watch Bella throw her life away, her beautiful human life? She was going to die no matter how the… the pregnancy turned out. Everybody knew that, even Edward knew that. Bella ignored it happily. After the due date she would either be cold and dead under the earth or cold and dead in the body of a bloodthirsty monster. Those disgusting monsters she loved so much.

I felt the all-too-familiar heat run down my spine as my sight started to shake with my body. Red was overtaking my vision.

"Jacob, damn it! Calm the fuck down!" Leah's voice screeched from behind me. I felt something grasp my arm but I didn't need to look to know it were her hands. "We're not alone at this beach, you know!"

I was already at the point of not caring. May the world see what kind of horror creature I was. May the –

Smack! The stinging pain in my right cheek was what brought me out of it. What the? Did she just slap me? I could make out Leah's rigid frame as the shaking subsided. I gawked at her incredulously as I took her in. The look of pity on her face had disappeared only to be replaced by anger and annoyance, an expression I was more than used to see her wearing. One of her hands was still grasping my arm, the other had yet to fall back to her side. "You retard! What were you thinking?" she growled.

Shit, what was I thinking? "I …" I began. I took a few deep breaths before I turned away from Leah, afraid that someone had witnessed my – our – little scene. My eyes roamed over the shoreline, the pine trees that lined the secluded beach until I stopped at a group of teenagers that seemed to have just arrived near a particularly tall pine. "Shit," I breathed. Two boys were whispering and casting glances in Leah's and my direction, a girl was staring at us blatantly. The other three kids had yet to notice us or simply didn't give a damn.

"Yeah, shit. Do you know how close you were to seriously fucking this up?" I shook my head. I wasn't used to being careful about phasing back in La Push, most of the tribe members knew anyway, but here… damn it. Thank god for Leah's violent streak. I turned back to her and gave her a look that hopefully said "damn, I'm sorry."

Leah scoffed. "Just keep your temper in check, understood?" I nodded weakly, feeling every bit like the sixteen-year-old I was.

"What got you so pissed off, anyway?" Of course she would ask but please, did she have to remind me?

I bit my lip as Bella's face popped into my mind, her beautiful chocolate eyes and mahogany waves, the creamy skin and, god, her blush. But the image faded too quickly and was replaced by a marble reflection of her former self. Chocolate turned blood, cream turned ashen, the rosy blush gone forever. Forever. And in her marble arms, a shadow of the softness that once had been, sat a marble child, eyes the bloody crimson that marked the evil. The hair was his, the skin was his, it was his. It had nothing that marked him as Bella's, besides the life she had sacrificed for him to exist. I didn't know why I was so sure that it would be a boy, but somehow it fit.

Maybe it was because I found little monster girls too creepy to even think of.

I tasted blood on my tongue although I didn't feel the pain. God, I still loved that girl. Why did every decision she made appear to be the wrong one, bringing her further away from me? Did she not see what she was doing to me, doing to herself? It's all his fault, that damned leech got her addicted to him. How I wanted to rip him to shreds and burn his remains. Suddenly strawberry filled my senses, befuddled my brain. What the hell? Why does it smell of strawberries? It was only when I heart Bella's tickling, soft laugh in my ears that it hit me. Bella. Bella's strawberry scent. I inhaled deeply. Strawberry. I'm losing my mind. Panic slowly made its way up my throat. Wherever I go, she won't leave me alone! Her laugh, joyful. The laugh she only laughed since he came back and ruined her future. The tickling of bells. Bells.

My eyes snapped open – had I even closed them? – to the sight of Leah talking to me. I didn't hear her – nothing but her laughter – but Leah's lips were moving swiftly, furiously. Bella's laughter had turned taunting. Fuck, I am going completely insane!

"Leah, " I whispered, desperately, although I only heard the sound in my head. Her lips stopped moving. And I saw a way out. My thoughts weren't coherent anymore, but I was clinging to the one chance I had. I had no idea if it would work, it seemed mad enough not to, but I didn't care. If I smelled strawberry for one more fucking second I would have to throw up.

In a flash, I pressed my lips to Leah's. I closed my eyes tightly and willed Bella's laughter, her scent – anything Bella – away. Leah's lips were soft on mine and slightly agape in surprise. I cupped her cheek with one hand, as if I was begging her to kiss me back. I didn't know why I was shocked when her lips started to move with mine, but I was, so much that I didn't even realize the strawberry scent had faded and the laughter stopped. I didn't hear the cat-calls behind our backs. Leah's arms snaked around my neck as the kiss deepened and she gently bit my lower lip.

Well … and it went like this.

*****

When I woke up I forced my eyes to stay shut. A wave of profanities flooded my mind as I realized where I was and why. Oh shit, oh shit, holy shi – Leah Clearwater. How the hell did I manage to have my first… My god, Leah fucking Clearwater. I've literally lost my mind.

My eyes fluttered open as I heard a timer ring somewhere in the distance. The first thing I saw were white sheets, sunshine and a light green wall. There was a mix of rain, pines and crocus in the air. Where…?

I sat up groggily, adjusting to the morning brightness. I was alone in the room and the only furniture was the bed I was laying in and a dresser made of wood. Two doors led out of the room; one was green, the other white.

I flushed as I remembered last night, images of hands, of skin, of lips and hair invaded my mind. Oh fucking hell. But I couldn't change the past, could I? And it wasn't like it had been bad, it had been really – I plopped back down on the mattress. It hadn't been bad at all. Hot and sweaty and… I groaned against my pillow. No, wait. Her pillow. Where was she, anyway?

As if on cue, the white door opened and Leah Clearwater stepped out, wearing a blue summer dress and no shoes. She stopped halfway to the other door, the green one, when she realized I was awake. "You're up," she said. "Took you long enough."

I nodded, too busy taking in her appearance to speak. I had never seen Leah in a dress ever before. It made her actually look like a girl, something separate from the pack mate we all loved and, well, hated. Something separate from Sam's bitter ex. This was Seth Clearwater's older sister, not some freaky gene mutation or whatever you thought werewolves were. I wondered briefly if that had been her goal all along, building a life without her past as a constant shadow, making others judge her. Now, she'll only have to do something about her attitude… Was the reason she ran away really that she thought she had no future in La Push? That was illogical. Most of the guys would've let her leave without much of a tantrum, glad to be off the hook.

I lifted my gaze to look at her face and accidentally met her toffee brown eyes. I had never noticed the golden colored flecks in them before, never given much of a thought to anyone's eyes but Bella's. Right, why would I spent my nights brooding over Quil's or Jared's eye color? That would be majorly weird. Back then, Leah was nothing else but another wolf, like for example Collin, just a tad more difficult to stand. Yeah, sure. Just a tad.

I pulled my eyebrows together. Nothing had really changed, or I tried to reason myself into thinking that. Leah still was one of the guys, well, one of the guys with boobs and all that female stuff… anyway, she would always be annoying and a pain in the ass. Simple as that. Then, genius, why on earth did you sleep with her?, the rational part of me chimed in. Oh, shut up, brain.

"Stop staring, you jerk," Leah snapped defensively. I could not help but notice the faint blush darkening her cheeks under her tan skin. I smirked.

"Aw come on, I know you were checking me out, too." Too? I wasn't checking her out, damn it. Why am I telling her that? The smirk never left my face, especially when she huffed and headed for the door.

"Get your ass outta my bed before I make you," she hissed before she disappeared in the hallway. Awkwardly, I kicked off the sheets – god, I was still naked. Well, better that than having Leah dress me in my sleep. I swallowed nervously – and rolled off the mattress. Now, where are my damned shorts? I looked around, did a 360 in the process, and tried to locate my missing cut-offs.

Yeah, and after I've got all that sorted out I'll go and enroll for ballet classes. Leah'd have the time of her life.

"Shit," I said loudly when I realized they weren't in the bedroom. I quickly glanced down at me – yeah, sadly my shorts hadn't miraculously materialized around my lower half – and pondered what to do. With all hope gone I snatched the bed's sheets and wrapped them around my waist, perfectly aware of the fact that the next few minutes were going to be utterly humiliating. A wolf's gotta do what a wolf's gotta do… or whatever.

Wait a minute. Since when does nakedness embarrass me? I sighed in annoyance and ripped the white cotton off me. That's by far more manly.

I tried to look confident as I made my way down the dimly lit hallway, tried to ready myself for what I was going to see. God, I was acting like I was about to walk in on Leah and Seth making out. I shuddered at the thought. I glanced at the pictures that were lining the walls, noticed that there were various ones of Leah together with women completely unknown to me, none that showed any men, including the pack. Wow, she's really trying to distance herself, isn't she? I shrugged and averted my gaze.

The hallway led directly to the kitchen, in which Leah sat on a chair, reading a local newspaper. I raised both eyebrows but said nothing in order to keep her from noticing me. I let my eyes wander, over the light brown cupboards, the refrigerator – something I soon needed to pay a visit to – and the kitchen table, until I stopped at the ceiling lamp, a little… perplexed.

By all that's holy. How did they end up there?

In about 6'10'' height my shorts hung from the lampshade. If I hadn't been in this fucked up situation, I would've been on the floor, laughing. But I was in this fucked up situation, so I settled with an embarrassed grin. Gee, last night sure was a rush. I looked at Clearwater again, checking if she'd already noticed my presence. Naw, her head was still buried in whatever article had captured her attention.

Okay. How am I going to pull this? I frowned at the lamp that more or less hung on eyelevel. Well, my eyelevel. I decided to be bold and just go and get these damned shorts. Fuck if Leah saw me, besides we already saw each other stark naked yesterday.

So I walked forward – and thus into view – and snatched the worn cut-offs off the lampshade. I pulled them on as quickly as possible, which was very quick if I might add, and felt a sense of relief that I had finally gotten it over with. Next time I'll make sure they come off in the bedroom, really. I froze. Next time, what the? Jacob, you gotta get a grip on yourself –

"Oh Jesus." Leah's voice pulled me out of my internal monologue. I slowly, really really slowly turned to face Leah's beet red face. Shit was the only thing on my mind. She was gaping at me, her mouth open in what I assumed was shock, the newspaper long forgotten in her hands.

"Uh, hi," I said sheepishly. Great. So this was the infamous "morning after". She didn't reply, just shook her head in what looked like an attempt to get the blood to flow out of her cheeks. Leah muttered something under her breath and looked down at the tabletop. Awkward.

I stalked off towards the fridge and opened it up. Thank god Leah's a werewolf, at least she's got enough food in there. I grabbed what looked like leftover pizza and sat down opposite to world's first she-wolf, aka Leah Clearwater. The red in her cheeks had faded and made the spark in her eyes look even scarier than it might have been.

"Help yourself, why don't you?" she growled sarcastically, "Jesus, because it's my purpose in life to feed stray dogs like you."

"First of; my name is Jacob, thank you very much. Second; is your purpose in life really just feeding dogs or fucking them, too? Cuz you kind of did that last night." My grin widened.

"You won't ever let me live this down, will you?"

I looked up from the pizza, shook my head. "Nope," I said and took a bite from the slice in my hand.

"Asshole."

*****

The rest of the morning was pretty quiet. Leah tried to ignore me most of the time and I didn't force myself on her. It was surprising enough that she didn't kick me out first thing after I woke up. Speaking of which, where the hell was I supposed to go? Should I stay at Leah's for as long as she let me or hit the trail again? I should've thought about that first before I ran off. Way to go, Jake, way to go.

Leah interrupted my mind babble. "Why are you here?"

I averted my eyes from the TV and saw her standing by the sofa's armrest, hands on her hips and a serious expression on her face. Her short-ish black hair stuck out in weird angles; she'd ran her hands through her hair too many times.

"You didn't kick me out," I stated.

Leah rolled her eyes at me. "No shit, Sherlock. So why are you here?"

I sighed and turned to face her. I had not planned on discussing this. "I ran away," I said, pointing out the obvious. I didn't know if it was just me but she looked somewhat relieved.

"Again?" She let out a laugh. "What did she do this time, jump Leech-ward's bones in front of all the wedding guests?"

I felt my face harden, thought 'Almost.' "She's pregnant." That took the wind out of her sails.

"Huh? You knocked her up and left? You're even a bigger ass than I thought."

"No!" I yelled, then lowered my voice. "It's his. He's the lucky daddy."

Leah opened her mouth, closed it again. "Isn't that sort of… impossible or something?"

"Apparently not," I scowled and let my face fall into my hands. "But it's killing her. Did you hear me, Leah? It's fucking killing her from the inside. And she doesn't give a damn about her life."

"Well, that's not exactly news," I heard her mutter. I tensed but let it go; there was no point in fighting now. I thought about how much of an impossible coincidence it was that I bumped into Leah when my destination was really nothing but far, far away. Maybe that had been her goal, too. To be far, far away from La Push and the Olympic Peninsula. I wanted to be away from Bella. She wanted to be away from Sam.

With my head still in my hands I fired back her question. "Why are you here?" It was nothing but a whisper but I could literally feel Leah grow rigid in response.

"Why would you want to know?"

I scoffed and lifted my head. "Honestly? I think most of us already know." I wasn't quite sure if she frowned at me using the pack plural or at my answer. Probably both.

"You know nothing," she snapped. She'd crossed her arms in front of her chest. Protection, it ran through my mind.

"Leah, we're in your head every time you phase. You can't tell me we don't realize what's going on. You can tell me that we don't get you, because we most definitely don't, but keep it real."

"Keep it real? Keep it real? Look who's talking." Her face had flushed with anger and I swore I could see her hands trembling. I had forgotten not everyone had my self control. Great. "How 'bout you keep it real and accept that your little leech-lover was never yours to begin with, Black." Oh no, she didn't.

"Why do you think I am here, sitting on your fucking sofa in fucking California?" I hissed. "Hold yourself in check, Clearwater. I don't want you phasing in the middle of the room."

"Who died and made you Alpha? What do you care if I phase in my living room or not?" I just about bit my tongue in frustration. Man, that woman knew how to drive me up the wall. I stood up from the sofa went to stand in front of her shaking shape. I towered over her by almost one foot.

"You're right, I don't care! Do whatever you want, god." It wasn't my problem if she ruined most of her furniture. With one last look at her pissed off face I shoved past her and was out of the front door. Why did it feel like this wasn't over?

I phased as soon as I crossed the tree line, letting all my locked-up emotions brake free and overtake. My thoughts circled but never fixated, leaving me confused and annoyed with myself. One of those thoughts was the completely random realization that I despised imprinting, another that I wondered if my mother could see me now, running in the monstrous body of a giant canine and hear my thoughts up there, in heaven. I knew that I'd never truly know. My life's really fucked up, isn't it?

My paws hit the dry ground hard as I bolted through the Californian woods – they were a huge difference to Washington's rainforests I was used to. Pines over pines over pines, blurring into splotches of green and brown as I ran down the hill Leah's small cottage-like house stood on. In my peripheral vision I could see the blue of the pacific ocean which's waves I heard crashing against the cliffs. Why Leah had chosen a town similar to the size of La Push for a start-over was beyond me, somehow I'd thought she'd make a run for the cities. Well, think again.

For some reason unknown to me I thanked my mother for the fact that no one else was phased and I had my thoughts to myself, something fairly rare since I'd made the change from human to something else.

I lifted my heavy head towards the cloudless sky and, for a millisecond, I could have sworn I saw Sarah Black smiling back at me. Thank you, mom.

A fire, a fire, you can only take what you can carry
A pulse, your pulse, it's the only thing I can remember
I break, you don't, I was always set to self-destruct though
The fire, the fire, it cracks and barks like primal music

Snow Patrol – If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It