No One Road

I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
Cuz I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

I watched the seagulls float in the air above the for once peaceful sea, their screams adding to the light atmosphere.

I was sitting on the top of a cliff a few miles from the little town Leah now lived in. My eyelids felt heavy but I was not going to give in and close them, I needed to stay alert. A huge wolf sitting on a cliff like some pet dog was not a sight I wanted the locals to see, they'd probably get a heart attack. No thanks.

The soft breeze blew through my fur, the salt sticking single strands together. Peace at last. I had decided on staying in California for a couple weeks before I'd head away from the coast. I didn't think I'd ever return to Washington, at least not the Peninsula.

Yes, I knew it was cruel. Yes, I knew that my dad and the pack had no idea where I was and why I was gone. For how long. I knew I should have told them about Bella.

But I had been driven by pain and betrayal and a lot of shock and now I saw no way of ever going back and facing them, facing what had become of the life I had left behind.

Coward! my brain screamed at me. You're no better than Leah. I shook my furry head forcefully. Leah's situation was different; she left because she was looking for a better life. In that moment, I realized I didn't actually know why she turned her back on La Push. It's exactly the same! She has a family waiting for her, too, and she's dismissing her duties as well! You're no better than her, face it. Fuck, it was weird to have conversations with yourself. Maybe my brain was right and she really ran from Sam, just as I ran from Bella. No, no, oh fuck no. We aren't alike at all. I was growing pretty irritated with myself.

Oh, please. You, me, alike? You gotta be joking.

I swirled around at the speed of lightning. A smaller grey wolf had appeared between the trees and was slowly making its way over to me. I snarled involuntarily. And there went the peaceful moment.

Leave me the hell alone, Clearwater. I was almost angry at myself for not noticing that someone else had phased. Leah reached me, clearly unfazed by my hostility. Yeah, right, she was a pro at those things after all.

True, she agreed, mistaking my little remark for a compliment. Thinking about it, she probably didn't care whether or not it was one. Listen, puppy. We need to talk.

That caught my off guard. I looked into her eyes suspiciously, not able to let myself relax. What about? Talking wasn't Leah-like. Leah was a violenceisalwaystheanswer person.

She barked angrily, reminding me of that vicious puppy Quil, Embry and I had picked up in a dark alley many years ago. The thing had ripped apart everything within reach that could not run fast enough.

Like you would know what's "Leah-like" and not, dumbass. She motioned to the trees with her snout. Phase so we can talk properly.

Why can't we just get it over with and do it now, huh?

Leah's huge toffee-brown eyes narrowed dangerously. Because I say so, now hurry the fuck up. "Because I say so"; scary female logic. No arguing at that point, I had learned it the hard way from my sisters. Clearly irritated I gazed at the trees before I turned my attention back to the furious wolverine, as Billy had dubbed her once.

Fine, but it better be good, I surrendered and trotted off towards the pines. Women; can't live with them, can't live without them. Still, I could imagine a life without Leah Clearwater rather easily.

Watch it, Black, her voice echoed in my head before she disappeared deeper into the forest to phase and dress. I shook my head in annoyance and shifted back into my human form, untied the pouch from my leg and slipped into my shorts. I wonder what she wants now.

A couple seconds later, accompanied by the rustling of twigs and fallen leaves, she stepped back out of the thicket, the angry expression for once replaced by worry. She still had on that blue dress that hit her mid-thigh which made the situation a little awkward on my part. Why did Leah suddenly decide to wear dresses? Weren't they a little unpractical for phasing?

She leaned back against a tree and fixed her eyes on me, as if she was waiting for me to speak up. What, first she wants to talk and then she expects me to do the first move?

"So, what's this about?" My voice had taken on a strange monotone because I couldn't decide whether to be annoyed or concerned.

Leah took a deep breath before I watched her face harden into a mask of sanctity. "Did you tell them?"

"Tell what?" I asked. She ran her hand through her black locks, her signature-scowl slipping back on her face. Why was I doing this, again?

"Where I am, genius," she half-growled as he eyes found the dry ground.

"Why on earth would I do that, it's not like there was anybody who could've asked me." The scowl on her face eased a little but she didn't lift her gaze from the forest floor. She didn't reply and I found myself comparing the russet of her skin with the pale red bark of the pine she was leaning against. Shit, Jacob, what are you doing? a voice screeched in the back of my mind. It was too easy to ignore it.

"Stay at my place." Startled, I looked at her face, seeing nothing but seriousness and that little cease between her brows that appeared when she was thinking really hard. Aside from the obvious shock I was feeling because of her offer, I was a bit disgusted at myself for knowing her enough to read her expressions.

I blurted the first and only thing that came to my mind – "Why the hell would you want that? Why would I want that?" – before fixating my gaze back on the spot where her skin met the rough bark. To say I was mesmerized was an understatement.

"I'd rather put up with you than – the others." It was so painfully obvious that she wanted to say Sam. Yet, what was she talking about?

"Right, the others," I mumbled, "But what has me staying with you to do with … the Pack?" Leah huffed; I didn't know if it was because I wouldn't meet her eyes or because I was not getting what she was saying.

"If you're staying outside you'll stay phased, and then there's no way around having to share your minds with the others. I don't want to risk them finding out where to find me, Jacob." The beginning of her explanation had sounded as if she was annoyed but the rest had turned out to have a pleading edge to it. In the end, that was what made me lock eyes with her. I saw nothing unusual – for Leah – in her gaze but I had heard her plead. How long had this girl managed to hide behind her poker face, assuring all of us that she was oh-so tough and didn't give a damn?

"Leah, what happened, what did he do?" I had only realized I had spoken those words after they'd left my mouth. I saw her wince under my stare, her mask almost crumpling before my eyes. Almost.

"Why did you run away?" I pressed. I was not sure why but at that moment I cared. And then, abruptly, she pushed away from her tree and rushed in the opposite direction, calling "You better follow me" over her shoulder before I lost sight of her.

We ran the way back to hers in human form, moving at a quarter of the speed we'd have when phased. Leah had insisted on me keeping my phasing rate as low as possible and niftily ignored my questions to why exactly she didn't want the pack to know where she was and why she ran away in the first place. My anger increased with every step I took, surprisingly though it was not directed at Leah but Sam. Various encounters of "the couple that was never to be" replayed in my head, I saw Leah hide herself behind the mask of anger I'd seen her wear earlier and Sam playing indifferent and rubbing Emily into her face. That calmness about Sam had never failed to set me off. The only person that had ever gotten a different reaction out of him was Emily and sometimes – just for a millisecond – Leah. That again made me feel bad for both Leah and Emily. Why did our Alpha have to be a complete dickhead?

Still, none of that warranted my decision to stay at her place. Sigh. I really felt bad for the girl but having to put up with her anger for an unclear span of time? Hell, no. But I, masochistic idiot that I was, had followed her anyway. Fuck, I'll regret this.

I tried to concentrate on not running straight into a tree – something that would never happen anyway – to get my mind off Leah and my questionable decisions.

A little to the right, a little to the left – don't run into Leah – a little to the right… I sneaked a glance sideways and saw her running in the same rhythm, her gaze set straight ahead. Why was Leah always so determined… – shit, this is not working! Try something else, something else…

Really, I couldn't remember her house being that far away, even on two legs it shouldn't take us more than 30 minutes. It already felt like two hours.

I fastened my pace almost involuntarily, my bare feet hitting the ground harder. Stones and twigs dug into my soles, leaving tiny wounds that closed in a second's time. I was aware of everything around me, like the tapping of miniscule feet against earth or bark, the steady breath of nocturnal birds napping in the trees that we rushed past.

Though, not a single bug crossed our path. We were one of them; of the woods, nature. Part of a system. But we were predators. Protectors? Yes, but only of the human kind. The Pack occasionally hunted deer and elk, as disgusting as that may sound.

But the awkwardness that hung in the air between Leah and me was all consuming. The silence, despite the many noises our ears detected, influenced my senses in a numbing way. I wanted to go wolf so badly; exchange my human mind against the mind of something instinct-driven.

Damn you, Leah Clearwater.

When we finally made it to her cottage I was close to giving in to the sweet temptation that was suicide. Who knew a run with the only young female Clearwater could be so nerve wrecking? The silence could've been cut with a knife. Shudder. I was so never doing this again.

Leah's shoulders were hunched as she went to unlock the front door, she, too, looked slightly on edge.

"Here, make yourself at home," she said, the usual sarcastic undertone still prominent in her voice.

I was working hard on keeping up my walls. Not an easy thing to do, definitely not, but strictly necessary in this situation. Because every choice I ever made ended up biting me in the ass – this one being apparently no different. I led the way into my little house – yeah well it wasn't mine but I rented it – and plopped down on my bed. How could I be so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid? Little Leah Clearwater, afraid her big bad ex comes and gets her.

Of course he wouldn't come. He wouldn't give a flying fuck.

At least that was what I forced myself to believe, searching, desperately, for a way to break the cycle of rejection, hurt, the look in his eyes, his words, more rejection. But I just had to give in to my absurd fears and beg Jacob to stay human, even if that meant he'd have to stay at my place. I shouldn't've mistaken him for another oblivious, lovesick puppy, seeing nothing but himself and what he'd lost. Again, stupid. I had no idea if he would ask again, if he would be blunt or if he'd corner me, giving me no choice but to spill the beans. Or if he wouldn't say anything at all.

But I doubted that he would keep quiet. So there was one option left; stay away from him at all times possible. Nothing too simple considering he now lived in the same house with me.

I heard the sound of the refrigerator door slamming closed and felt a sense of relief he didn't follow me to the bedroom. Yeah, why would he?

I leaned back on my bed to catch a glimpse of the alarm clock that stood on the nightstand. 6pm, well, that suits me. I picked myself up from the mattress and rushed to the walk-in-closet whoever built this house saw as essential. Whatever.

I quickly stripped out of my favorite phasing-dress and slipped into my fairly hideous working clothes. Whoever designed this must've been on something real, real bad. Probably meth. The dark brown dress was ruffled and puffy and did not go well with my skin tone at all, the cream apron looked old-fashioned and silly. All in all, I looked as if I'd just came back from a time travel to the '70s.

I brushed my fingertips over the smooth fabric and I knew I didn't want this. But then again, like everything else in my life, it left me no choice. A siren's call, sounding from every direction I ever considered. Repelling but attracting at the same time. It was like Sam had pulled me in and locked the door behind me, with the key pulverizing into a pile of dust as soon as I reached out for it.

Once again, my thoughts were a jumbled mess of the all too familiar nowayoutnowayoutnowayout, driving me to the very edge of a cliff I'd never have the strength to actually jump off.

My movements were robotic as I grabbed my purse and put on the chocolate pumps I was forced to wear – but in the back of my mind thought of as cute. Not that I would ever admit that. I passed Jacob on my way to the door, he looked like he wanted to comment, with his grin wide and eyes bright, but my glare did well in shutting him up. Though, all that was on my mind was nowayout.

I kicked the door closed behind me, feeling a little anxious leaving Jacob alone in the little house. Of course, I felt anxious for the house not him.

Really, it isn't much of a home to me anyway, is it? You've got nothing to lose, I tried to reassure myself. It worked to a certain extent.

I hurried to get into my Chevy Impala that I managed to scavenge as I first decided to stay in California. An old widow from the neighboring village gave it to me in exchange of doing chores, saying she had no use for it anymore. Inside the familiar smell of coconut – the woman must've bathed in coconut perfume or something, really – and leather engulfed me and I checked the time on the set nav display; I couldn't afford to be late again.

I passed many little, cozy-looking houses as I drove, my hands were gripping the steering wheel a bit too tight, the gravel scrunched under the tires. The café I worked at was a small family business a mile outside the town's borders, but since there wasn't any other café in the radius of another 100 miles it was well patronized. I sighed. I liked California, really, I did. It was just that I couldn't letgo.

Leah, get a fucking hold of yourself! I shook my head to collect my thoughts, something I've done a little too often lately. It had been four months since I last saw Seth and Sue and I hadn't even said goodbye. I was just up and away without looking back. Yeah, if it only was that simple. When I saw Jacob standing at that beach yesterday I first thought he was there to bring me home. And I'd been fucking okay with it. Weak! my inner bitch screeched.

But no, I was not going to give in and go back. I wouldn't. They could wait forever for all I cared. There, I would never be able to move on.

The cycle of rejection, hurt, the look in his eyes, his words, more rejection. It was etched in my mind, a ruthless reminder.

I parked in front of the café with the sign saying "Ocean View Coffee and Sweets" and stepped out of my car. Seeing that it was spring and quickly going towards summer, most of the tables out front were occupied, mostly by retirees and tourists. Gee, looks like there's some work for me to do. With quick steps I crossed the parking lot and entered the backdoor, warm scents of flour, sugar and fruit pulling me into the kitchen.

"Good afternoon, Miss Clearwater!" Mrs. Stanley greeted me from behind the stove. Her oldest daughter, Jennifer or something, gave me a quick wave before turning back to the dough she was kneading. Martin, a teen that worked here part-time, grunted something unintelligible.

"'Afternoon," I muttered, trying my best to put on a happy face. Happy thoughts. You have a nice house, a car, a job. Nice house, car, job. I walked out of the kitchen and stowed my purse in my employee's locker or whatever it was called and was immediately greeted by Erin, Chloe and Rosie who smiled at me. Erin and Chloe were twins, not very alike ones though, and Rosie was Mrs. Stanley's other daughter. They put up with my constant bad mood and attitude and struggled to get me to open up to them. I hated it – fuck, that was an understatement – but the girls were irrelevant – just another part of the routine I lived.

"Leah, what's up with the scowl?" Chloe asked innocently, eyes focused on my face. I didn't make an effort to put on a smile. Instead I raised an eyebrow and hurried to the first table that waited to order. This was going to be a long, long day.

*.*.*.*.*

"Oh, shut up. I'm not in the mood." My glare was fixed on Rosie, who immediately shrunk back.

"Yah, I've noticed," she grumbled, flicking her honey hair back. My scowl deepened as I grabbed the coffee for table six. The girl rolled her eyes and went back to do whatever she was doing before she decided to complain about my mood swings. But honestly, my mood only changed from sarcastic to pissed to annoyed. She'd soon learn to leave me alone, like the Pack did. The twins had already given up on befriending me weeks ago, in fear of their lives.

Yes, I could get pretty threatening when angry.

It was not my fault if they insisted on "getting past the façade".

Because everything behind the façade was slowly but surely falling apart and slipping through the cracks of my mask, leaving blood red splotches on the floor.

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles
Paramore – Misguided Ghosts