GRISSOM VS. THE DOMINATRIX

CHAPTER SIX

"Go and sin no more."

Grissom washed and put his clothes on carefully, wincing and cursing and whining when blood stuck to fabric. He wrote out the check for $5000 and left it on the bedside table. Ashamed and in pain, he crept out of the house and drove home to lick his wounds.

That night he didn't go into work. It hurt too much to move. Sitting or standing or walking was agony. Again and again he cleaned his wounds gingerly. He smeared himself with ointments and took painkillers and lay on his stomach on the bed, thinking. Thinking about what Heather had said. Feel each wound. Let them remind you of the wounds you have inflicted on Sara's heart. Heather's right. With her new insight, he could examine himself and look inward.

The next night he called off again. He made sure to just talk to Judy, the receptionist, as he knew she would just take the message without question. With this strange free time Grissom became introspective. He thought about what kind of man he had become, and why. Is it the work? Feeling disconnected–unemotional–so it won't interfere with the case? Always examine the evidence objectively, without feelings or prejudice... maybe that's it. Has that seeped into my personality–my soul, even? Twisted it? Yeah. Yes. It has. Am I really a robot, a heartless machine? No, because my heart hurts...I do feel pain...I do love. Can I look at yet another dead body? Process another murdered innocent? Yes. You must. It is what you are. What you do. But it doesn't have to be who you are.

"You may not believe in God, sir, but you do his work." Every story, every case, robbed him a little more of his faith in humanity, his faith in God. So I protected myself by pretending to feel nothing, until I did feel nothing. If you repeat a lie often enough you start to believe it.

The hours slipped away in a haze of insomnia and narcotics. I never wanted to be judged. But I wasn't judging myself, how I was behaving, how my words made them feel. I judged everyone else. I ignored them, dismissed their emotions, scoffed at them, as I expected them to just close it all away like I could. I wasn't recognizing how hateful I was being. How much I hurt Sara. Can she forgive me again? Has she given up? Can I ever make it up to her?

By the time you figure it out, Grissom, it might be too late, echoed repeatedly in his head.

Am I too late?

Now that I know, now I can change. Not tomorrow, not next week, not just in my head. Now is all we have. A moment, and then it is gone. If I don't change now I never will. And I'll go to my grave with a heart full of regret. If I lose her, after all this...I'll never have lived, at all. "This above all, to thine ownself be true."

He wanted to look forward to seeing Sara. He wanted to be honest. To prepare himself and rehearse the lines he had to say. He wanted to be who he used to be. Grissom tried in his head to purge the guilt and the shame; release it, let it go. When that didn't work he talked to himself and told the walls his regrets and sorrows. He talked until his throat protested. He told the room about all those cases, the ones that made him bleed inside, the people who disgusted him, their pathetic motives and petty reasons for hurting and killing each other, what he had done and not done and how it never seemed to make a difference, but that he had to do it anyway. Eventually the weight lifted from his heart. He felt giddy and laughed at himself.

Grissom took a third night off. He wanted to savor this new feeling and plan how to move forward. Catherine was furious, but he didn't even pretend to listen. He didn't bother with an excuse. He just hung up when she started to yell at him.

The home phone rang. Grissom cursed it. Hey. I thought you were going to change. Face up to it. It rang again.

"Grissom." He spoke into it resignedly.

"Gris? Are you okay?" Grissom sucked in a breath at that familiar voice.

"Sara?"

"It's me." Grissom had a flashback to her first day in Las Vegas. How he recognized her musical voice and felt the mutual eagerness of their reunion.

"Hey! Sara! I was just thinking about you," Grissom said eagerly.

"You were?" Sara's voice was incredulous.

"I was. I was thinking about...us."

There was a long silence. "I didn't know there was an 'us' anymore, Gris." Sara's voice was shy and sad.

His heart plummeted. "Oh, Sara. Can there be?"

With great caution, Sara asked, "Are you feeling all right?"

"No, Sara. I haven't felt all right for a long time."

Now she shifted into a tone of worry. "Catherine said...you haven't been at work for three nights...are you sick?"

"No. Not in that way. I..."

"Yes?" Grissom heard urgent voices in the background.

"I need to...I'm so sorry," he said humbly.

"Sorry? You're sorry...about us?"

"I mean I'm sorry for not being there for you and how I've behaved for how I've treated you," he said in a rush. He could almost see her eyebrows knit in confusion. Somebody was asking her a question.

"Oh." Another pause. "Uh. I can't talk now. I'm going back to a scene and then help Nick at his. Cath is cursing a blue streak. She's barricaded herself in the lab behind mountains of evidence and is barking out orders..."

"I'm sorry. I'm letting you all down."

"Grissom. You're worrying me. I've never heard you like this."

He chuckled. "I've never been like this."

"You're not...taking anything, are you? You sound loopy. Are you on..."

"Drugs?" Now he laughed. "No. Well, just some painkillers."

"Whoa. What happened?"

"I can't explain...I need to see you."

"I can't get away now! Dammit, Gris." Sara blew out a breath. Her voice rose in frustration. "You blow me off and then expect me to work like a servant, show up whenever and wherever you want, and now you want me to drop everything? Leave us even more shorthanded? Because you feel guilty? Just because you say Sorry?"

"You're right, Sara."

"Argghh! You're infuriating. I gotta go." The line went dead.

TBC

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to BillyJorja, Nonnie88, TakingAChanceOnJelly, and ; talented writers all. They kept after me and asked where I've been, where my new chapters are...And to all who kept reviewing... and have forgiven this long period of distraction and delay. Your words mean so much.