I gaze unseeingly down at the letters, carefully curving their way across the page. I clutch the journal tightly like I'll rip it in half any second.

My biological mother wrote this.

No matter how much I hate her and my father for abandoning me, I still wish I had known them. Maybe I would've lived a more normal life if they had stayed with me. Maybe I'd be able to control and hide my secret better. Maybe I'd know more about it. Maybe I wouldn't have thought I was a monster when I first found out that I needed blood to live. Maybe I'd actually know what love is.

But it's too late for that.

Somehow my social worker had got a hold of this journal. I'd never had any desire to read it though. But I have to now, it might contain something useful. I pray it does.

There's a letter written on a piece of scratch paper taped onto the inside front cover.

Dear Kirra,

I know you probably hate me but I really hope you put that aside and read this. It sure would've made my life easier if I had had something like this to guide me along. I've written down all you need to know about what you are. Well at least, all that I know.

I sincerely hope it helps you. Even though you probably don't think so, I love you. Your father does too.

P.S. Please know that we have our reasons for what we did.

She didn't sign her name at the end. My heart sink. Now I know for sure that I'll never find her. Maybe if she had given a name, I could have found her in the phone book or something.

All these 'maybes' aren't going to get me anywhere, I tell myself.

Before continuing on, I close my eyes. I just want to picture her. I've never tried imagining her before. In my head, I see a tall woman with full lips. She's very thin with chocolate hair tumbling down her back. Her eyes are so blue; it looks like bits of the sky are flecked in them.

I can't see what my father looks like though. He's faceless, just standing next to the beautiful woman who is supposed to be my mother.

I sigh. They disappear when I open my eyes. My chance at a normal life disintegrates before my eyes. I take a shaky breath and continue on.

First of all, you need blood to live but you probably knew that already. The sight of blood, the smell, and sometimes even hearing heartbeats triggers a hormone in our bodies that make us thirst. This is when your fangs retract.

When your fangs are retracted, your senses are sharper. It also, to put it bluntly, makes you want to have…sex. Wow, this is awkward. Well, since I wasn't around to give you the 'sex talk' I guess this is close enough. I deserve it.

But seriously, I'm not kidding. It really does make you want to do that. Unless you kill your 'prey' before you get to that stage. Then you won't want to. That would be disgusting if you did.

Yes, it is possible to kill, though. You have to be careful how fast and how much you drink, if you're not planning on killing anyone.

I know all this stuff already! I've learned this on my own over the past couple of years. I skip ahead, only giving each page a cursory glance. But then a word catches my eye. I flip back a page and begin to read that section.

You know how human teenagers go through puberty? Where their bodies become ready for bearing children and such? Well, the same happens to vampires too but it's a little different. It doesn't necessarily happen in your teens. You could be ten when it happens or you could be fifty. It all depends on when you find your soul mate.

"Soul mate" is the only word I've found that describes it, although, I don't really like it. Vampires have one person out there that connects with them. This person is always another vampire. No exceptions. Humans and vampires cannot have that deep of a connection. Sure, they can have one but it's not the same.

Being with your soul mate allows you to become a mature vampire, an adult if you will. Your senses will become even sharper than they are and your abilities increase.

You're most likely wondering how you find this person. You don't. You merely stumble upon them someday.

Now you're probably wondering how you know whether or not you've found them. Trust me. You'll know. When I first met your father I wasn't sure but then, after a while, I just knew he was the one. It's almost impossible to put into words. The love you feel is just amazing.

The connection between two soul mates is immense. Some vampires have been able to speak with their soul mates telepathically, or have visions about them, or know their presence before they even walk into the room.

But, this is important, you can have the connections with them right when you meet them but your senses do not become sharper until you feed from them.

I toss the book haphazardly and flop back onto the mattress. It creaks under my weight. There's more but I'm not in the mood to read it.

"Oh my, god," I say. Is this the answer I've been looking for?

If these dreams are visions and they are real, that means Jacob is a vampire.

And he's my soul mate.

Maybe that's why he kissed me, to see if we're soul mates. But then he would've had to have known my secret.

Does he even know about this soul mate stuff? Does he know the only reason he loves me is because we share some bond, deeper than any human can even comprehend? Wait; is this soul mate business really about love or just physical bonding?

Or could it be both?

The journal probably has the answer but I'm not touching it anymore today. It's now crumpled pages call to me from their pile on the floor. I ignore it.

So, I'm going to assume the dreams are real. It seems probable. That means Jacob's in big trouble.

That means he murdered someone.

Tears spring to my eyes but I furiously brush them away. I'll deal with that part when the time comes. First priority: finding him.

I launch out of bed without even thinking and find the largest backpack I have. I shove a pair of shorts, a slightly heavy coat, a t-shirt, underwear, bra, the smallest amount of clothes I can take. I'll get some of Jacob's things later. Josh is in the room now, still sleeping. I'll wear anything I can't fit into the bag. I still need room for food and other things. I toss a flashlight into the front pocket.

I peer onto the top shelf of my bookcase and stand on my tiptoes to fish out the small, silver box. I take the wad of money out and put it with the flashlight. There's probably six hundred dollars there. I hope it's enough.

I pause momentarily, actually thinking now. I need to plan this out.

I can take a plane as far as possible and then search for him on foot. But where do I fly to?

I close my eyes, planting Jacob's face firmly in my mind. I try to remember the last dream in the chain. Maybe it gave a clue to where he is.

I feel myself being sucked in before I can stop it. My arms reach flaccidly for the shelf to steady myself. I miss and fall to the floor. The carpet scratches and burns my cheek.

The morning sun peeks through the tree tops. The buttery light shines in my eyes, pulling me from my restless sleep. I raise my head and survey the area. It's quiet. The animals scurry around.

I climb out of the bush I had fallen asleep in. I pick leaves and twigs out of my hair and dust off my tattered uniform. I stretch out, marveling at the popping of my joints.

Then the memories flood back.

Murderer. Fugitive. Coward. Vampire.

I sigh heavily and shove the hair out of my eyes. It's grown out some since I ran away. My stomach feels hollow. The feeling is incessant. I've felt guilty before, but never of this magnitude. I feel like I could turn myself in any day.

But I can't. Not yet. I have to go to my family, to explain, to apologize, to say goodbye.

I wonder if my parents, brothers, and Kirra have heard yet. I hang my head solemnly.

Kirra…does she still hate me? Does she still think I'm a freak? Does she-?

Just then a voice sounds in my head. It's muffled, in the back of my mind. I strain to hear it. It speaks calmly.

"Where are you?" It sounds familiar.

"I-uh-," I say out loud, not sure why. That was a good question. Where am I? I wrack my brain. "I'm pretty sure I'm in Maine but I'm on my way south to Georgia…"

"Stay there, only leave that are if you absolutely have to. I'm coming," it says.

"Wait, who are you?" But there's no response. I'm alone in my head.

Did I just imagine that? I'm not sure. Maybe this guilt and solitude is driving me insane…

I pull myself out of the vision, or whatever it was. My forehead is drenched in sweat. For a moment, I let a giant smile play on my lips. Jacob is okay! But then the smile fades; he might not be for much longer.

I boot up my laptop and search for flights with lightning speed. I click on one. Tomorrow morning at an ungodly hour. Perfect. I click "purchase tickets".

It's all set. I'll leave tomorrow.

I'm abnormally quiet all day, thinking through what food to pack, how to tell them I'm leaving… My family notices my silence.

"You okay?" Solomon asks, bumping his hip to mine. We both have our arms elbow deep in the bubble-filled sink as we wash dishes from dinner.

"Just fine." I fake a smile and flick some bubbles at his face to add to my façade.

He looks relieved. "That's good." He scoops up the suds and puts them around his mouth like a mustache. Then he puts some on my chin. We both crack up but my laugh doesn't sound right to me.

Later that night, while we're all gathered around the television and everyone is chatting about the show. I stare into space. I notice josh is watching me worriedly and I make a point to not make eye contact.

When everyone breaks away to go to bed, I make sure to hug them all and tell them I love them. They look a little confused since I hardly ever say that but they smile warmly and tell me they love me too.

I have to tell them because in the morning, I'm leaving to go search for the son and brother that is most likely a vampire, who I most likely love, who most likely killed two American soldiers.

And they have no idea.

By helping him I could go to prison. By not helping him he could die out in the woods somewhere.

There's no way to win.