As Sung By
Chapter 13: What is This Feeling?
Disclaimer: I still do not own Glee or have any claims to any of the "Wicked" music.
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Author's Note: I just wanted to thank you all for the wonderful reviews, they really do keep me going.
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What is this feeling,
So sudden and new?
I felt the moment
I laid eyes on you;
My pulse is rushing;
My head is reeling;
My face is flushing;
What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame,
Does it have a name?
Yes! Loathing
Unadulterated loathing (Wicked)
...
To say that Kurt was distressed would have been an understatement. Today had gone nothing like the way it was supposed to have. In a perfect world Glee practice would be nearing its end for the day and his pulse would be racing as he anxiously thought about the time he would be able to spend with Noah in later hours of the evening; however, the reality was something severely the opposite.
Now he sat in the corner of the highest row of bleachers overlooking the football field with a mixture of hot tears and mascara staining his porcelain cheeks. He had made it all the way to his baby before he realized that his keys must have fallen out of his bag somewhere between clocking Puck and the course of his hasty retreat from the choir room. The bell had rung not shortly after and he could not face the sea of students who no doubt would be no improvement to his current state (not to mention half of the Glee club was probably looking for him). He couldn't deal with anyone else right now, and more importantly, he could not deal with their questioning gazes, their concerned interrogations, and empty threats to pummel Puck.
No, right now he needed to be alone, but even that had its pitfalls.
He sat with his bag at his feet and his arms wrapped around his knees, which were securely pulled against his chest. Kurt bit into his bottom lip in a half-successful attempt to stifle his sobs. He did nothing, on the other hand, to subdue his tears. They flood freely from his eyes, down his cheeks, and over his lips—leaving their salty taste lingering there. This caused him to cry harder. He wasn't supposed to be tasting tears, no; he was supposed to be with Noah--tasting him on his lips.
Kurt was helpless to fight the sob that escaped his throat at his next realization. As much as he hated Puck in this moment, there was still only one thing he wanted. He wanted to feel Puck. It didn't have to be anything passionate or sexual; he just wanted Puck to hold him. To hear him apologize.
But did he really have anything to apologize for? Kurt frowned at his internal question. There was nothing exclusive about their arrangement but still Kurt had thought it meant something to the other boy. That he was beginning to care about Kurt. He had to have. Noah was just too…different around him. His seemingly false bravado of douchebaggery seemed to soften into nonexistence when he was with Kurt. He seemed kind and attentive. Sure, maybe they weren't betroved to one another, it was more an arrangement made form convenience and want than love, but there was something that lingered in the gentleness Noah would use with him. The way his fingertips would dance on the small of his back as Noah snaked an arm around him when they kissed. Or the way Noah would smile against his lips and tell Kurt how "beautiful" he was.
Noah had watched Dreamgirls with him for Christ sake.
There was something in all of that that had to be real? Then again as he had learn from the lovely ladies in every high school primetime melodrama ever, there were no limits to what guys would do to get what they wanted.
Kurt groaned through his tears. It still did not make sense.
Kurt was beyond sure that kissing and touching were not the only things on the list of what Noah wanted or needed to be satisfied, but he had yet to pressure Kurt. Sure, a few crude jokes aside about how "perfect" Kurt's lips would be for su…satisfying Noah, there had been no uncomfortable tension between them on the subject. Noah may not have been satisfied, but he had seemed content. But maybe Kurt had misjudge Puck, misread the situation and taken it for something it wasn't. This was the boy who had spent years making sure Kurt lived in a state of incomparable fear. He was Puck; he was a stud—and studs don't care about people.
Especially not "fags".
Upon that realization Kurt's tears came to a sudden halt and the ache in his chest eased momentarily, only to be replaced by something else. Something almost as intense; something that made his skin burn in the same blistering way; and his sobs slipped away when his eyes narrowed.
Puck had used him.
But what the more insufferable fact was that Kurt himself had allowed Puck to use him. He had set himself up for this. When Kurt agreed to take up his activities with Puck that day in the janitor's closet he had been fully aware of who Puck was, the kind of person (he used the term loosely) that he was. He knew not to trust him. Not to let himself care for the boy, but he had messed up. He had caused this.
Kurt frowned for a moment; he wouldn't focus on that part. For now, he would focus on the seething hatred that boiled inside him.
Yes, that was a much better plan.
…
It had not been thirty seconds after Kurt had cleared his face of any of the watery, black evidence of his breakdown with a Kleenex, compact, and fresh application of Lashblast, that Rachel Berry came trekking up the bleachers. Kurt frowned, making` no attempts to hide his dismay from the talented vocalist.
"There's no game today Rachel." Kurt said as he delicately placed his compact back into the zippered compartment inside his Marc Jacob's, pulling the strap on to his shoulder and standing, "Besides, I do not believe that these bleachers," he motioned to them with one hand, "where built to hold something as insurmountably heavy as your ego."
Rachel crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, but other than that ignored Kurt's jabs, "I came to check on you." By now the petite brunette stood a level below Kurt and a few feet to his left, looking up at him.
Kurt readjusted his bangs and sighed exasperatedly, "Well, I'm fine. You can go now." Rachel just stared at him incredulously and Kurt's already emaciated patience was growing thin, "Seriously, go…oh, what's that?" Kurt cupped a hand and put it to his ear, "I think I hear Finn calling you. Go! Run!"
It did not take long for Rachel to realize she was not going to get anyway if she did not beat Kurt at his own game, so with that in mind she stepped to the plate, "You and Puck, huh?" Rachel pretended to contemplate the situation for a moment, and it did not go unnoticed when Kurt visibly flinched, "I must say, I am not entirely surprised. Having dated Noah I have a deep sense of who he is-"
Kurt cut her off, "You do not know him." Sure, Kurt may have hated Noah now, but that did not mean that Rachel was allowed to offer any kind of opinion on the matter. He could see Rachel going to speak and thought it best to steamroll her attempts, "And neither do I." Kurt stepped down to Rachel's level and faced her fully now, "There is nothing between myself and Puck," Kurt stressed the name hoping to slather it with disdain and disapproval. "Other than slushies, dumpster, and his failed, not to mention tastelessly unoriginal, attempts at malicious whit." Kurt looked the girl up and down once more, "Now, if you will excuse me, I have a Hulu date with Ugly Betty."
Rachel allowed the boy to pass her, even ignoring the bump of the shoulders (only because she was sure it was accidental and due to the narrow space the bleachers provided); however, Kurt made it no more than ten steps before she turned and called out to him, "Kurt," her tone was soft—a drastic change from the usual grating, narcissistic manner in which she spoke. Thankfully, Kurt spun on his heels, albeit slowly and in a blatantly begrudging manner, and looked at her expectantly.
She took a moment to take a few steps closer to Kurt and she unfolded and dropped her arms from their position against her chest, and allowed them to fidget with the bottom of her pink and yellow plaid sweater, "I know that we haven't exactly gotten along famously in the past," Kurt scoffed at this, but Rachel continued on, "but we are still in Glee together and even though you resent me for my talent and my chemistry with Finn-"
Kurt cut in once more, "Where do you find the audacity to speak to me like that, Berry?"
"Please," Rachel waved him off, "allow me to continue." Kurt glared, but motioned for to continue, "All of that aside, you're still my teammate and personal differences aside, I'm supposed to be there for you. If there is one thing I have learned from Glee, it's that this," she motioned between them, "doesn't have to be all gunfire and plots to destroy each other in the name of a certain quarterback."
Kurt seemed slightly surprised, but still was not seeing the significance, "Yes? And…"
Rachel sighed, "Look, I get there's 'nothing' between you and Puck, but if there was and it did not end so well," she frowned averting her eyes from his as he witnessed something flash through them, "I am hear. I do not even have to offer an opinion," Kurt laughed, yet Rachel ignored him, "I can just listen."
Kurt was quiet for a long time, contemplating what was going on. Rachel was being nice to him. It was an unfamiliar and utterly uncomfortable situation, but Kurt still, beneath his anger and pain, appreciated it.
"Thank you." His voice was soft and kind and only reflected the surprised admiration he felt. Rachel smiled at him, "But there is still and never was anything between Noah Puckerman," he grimaced for dramatic effect, "and I."
This time he left her now wiggle room and retreated down the bleachers before she could respond.
…
Author's Note: I have been dying to do some bonding between Rachel and Kurt, hope you guys liked it. By the way, for those who don't know, Puck made out with Santana, because he saw Kurt and Finn in the theater and took things the wrong way. I will update soon. Don't forget to review. It'll make me update faster! Love you guys!