iLoathe You (A lot)
A/N: Thanks for all of the reviews (I really wasn't expecting such good feedback, please keep me posted and bring me suggestions as well)!
Also, I'd like to remind you that, as the one-shots fit spaces left between episodes, I can't make Freddie "snap out" of his feelings for Carly thus I can't help but to mention his "Creddieness" sometimes (even to an exhaustion point like in this chapter) so, sorry for anything.
iAm Just Bacon
Summary: Freddie has some trouble dealing with the sad reality of being just friends with Carly after he had the opportunity to be with her as more than that. Surprisingly enough, it's Sam Puckett, of all people, who does her best to cheer him up 'cause hey, maybe, being bacon isn't that bad after all. Set somewhere between "iSaved Your Life" and "iWas a Pageant Girl".
"Ok now, Freddie, let me just recheck one more time this arm right here…" Mrs. Benson said grabbing his arm while browsing through her purse with her other hand. "Now, if only I could find my portable x-ray machine…"
"Mom! I took the cast off three weeks ago!" He tried to set himself free from his mother but her grasp was like a bald eagle's claw on him. "Oh man! I hate this!"
"Well, Fredward!" Mrs. Benson interjected sounding offended. "Do you think I enjoy doing this? X-rays are very dangerous things; especially to boys your age." She approached her face from his and whispered in a worried tone. "It's not good for your…, you know," She pointed her finger somewhere under them. "boys parts."
"Oh…My…."With a sudden gain of strength (which, he suspected, had most likely been induced by the emotional shock), he let go of his mom hold on him and ran for his life.
"Fredward Karl Benson! You shouldn't even be running yet! I know the doctor said it was ok for you to walk again but I told you not to try anything risky 'till Christmas!" He dodged all of her attempts to grab him again.
"You think typing is risky, mom!" He managed to get past her and hurried to the door.
"Well, you never know when a brisker movement will break a finger, do you? Now get back here, young man, and put your arm on the counter for mommy to look!" Freddie reached the door and opened it hurriedly, his mom still in his bedroom. He got out as soon as he could just to bump straight against the person standing outside his door who, unfortunately for him, was Samantha Puckett.
"Hey, watch where you going, Nub!" She pushed him and he fell face first on the ground. "Or you might get hurt."
"Oh! He exclaimed with sarcasm, rubbing his nose. "Thanks for the advice, Sam! We don't want me to get hurt or anything, right?" Sam snickered at him:
""We" is a strong word, Benson, but yes, you're welcome…" But before she could get to the end of her sentence, a desperate scream came from the Benson's living room:
"Oh Gosh! Freddie! I told you not to run! Are you hurt?" Mrs. Benson was approaching them. "Hold the door open for me, Samantha!" Sam glanced briefly at the boy lying on the floor next to her before smiling at Mrs. Benson:
"Hey there, Marissa." She bobbed her head politely and beamed, pulling the Benson's apartment door with a final wave and a smile: "Now, Ciao!" She closed the door at Freddie's mother face with a final blow and held on to the doorknob with all her strength. She then turned to Freddie and stretched her free hand to him: "Give me your keys!"
"You want to lock my mother?" He asked in absolute stun.
"Fredward! Get back home right this minute! You know you're not allowed out 'till I finish your early afternoon checkup!" His expression changed immediately to a frown and he snapped his keys from his jeans' pocket whispering:
"Thanks, Sam." It really gives you an idea of how sad a guy's life is when facing a choice between his mother and Sam Puckett, he still chooses the later, Freddie considered for a second. Sam whispered back:
"I don't think she can see us through the peephole. You might want to fake a little struggle, Benson." She still held on very strongly to the doorknob and Freddie knew it required a whole lot of strength to beat his mom's "motherly instinct".
"Oh." His eyebrows rose with realization. "I get it." He started kicking his legs in the air and yelling in a whinny voice as he carved his nails on the wooden door. "Mommy, help me! Sam is…Argh! Help, help!" He tried not to laugh; his mom's attempts were becoming more and more aggressive from the other side. "No, Sam, not my keys!" Sam raised her eyebrows critically, pouting her lips with judgment:
"You can do better than that." She kicked him once on each knee causing him to yell in an acute voice:
"Oh, Puckett, you're so awful!"
"Now this I can believe in." She said with a smile, finally turning the key on the locker with a loud click.
"Samantha Puckett!" Mrs. Benson yelled and knocked on the door fiercely. "Set me free right this minute! You are fully aware that you're not allowed in the same environment as Freddie unless accompanied by a responsible adult or at least three trained paramedics!" Sam rolled her eyes and helped Freddie up.
"So, what you say? We have about 40 minutes before she manages to find her own keys among the contents of that gigantic dark hole she calls a purse?"
"Something around that, I guess." He said cleaning the dirt of his pants and shrugging.
"Any chance she might call Lewbert?"
"She will." He said. "But he's been ignoring her ever since their…"fling"" Freddie shivered a bit at this. "…ended, you know? Ignoring her more than he ignores everyone else, I mean."
"Good." She replied, turning to Carly's door and pressing the doorbell.
"Carly's not home."
"You were watching her through the peephole again, weirdo?" Sam scowled.
"No!" He made a pause and thought about it. "No! Anyway, I sent her a text this morning about the rehearsal today and she answered me something about going to an Origami convention with Spencer 'cause he always dreamed of owning a giant Tsuru as a pet and..." Sam looked at him overwhelmed. "Yeah, I don't get it either." He shrugged.
"Great." She said leaning against the door with her arms crossed. "Now I'm hungry and stuck here with you for God knows how long…"She went silent for a second. "Do you have any food on you, Nub?" Freddie took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm and sane which was pretty hard with his mom still yelling behind his apartment's door:
"Well, Carly said we could wait for her inside, the spare key is under the…" He stopped once he realized the door was already completely open. "But of course you already broke into our friend's house using nothing but a hairpin and saliva." He said with no surprise at all while following her inside the Shay's loft; ignoring his mom's loud protests as he closed the door behind him.
"Is it just me or is your mom acting especially loony today?" Sam said from the fridge while Freddie threw himself at the couch.
"Nah, she's been like this ever since the taco truck incident." Freddie answered sulky staring at the ceiling. "As if my life wasn't already bad enough without her acting even more protective than she did before."
"I don't get her at all." Sam's face emerged from the fridge holding a cherry soda can and a bowl full of meatballs. Freddie pointed out that there was a post-it in it that said in giant letters "Spencer's, not Sam's. Stay away from these meatballs!" but she just waved him off. "Oh if I were to pay attention at every sign in the world… I'd have to wait hours on the traffic from school to my house everyday!" She grabbed a fork from the drawer and sat by the counter:
"Anyway, as I was saying. I totally don't get your mom. If it were my son getting hit by a taco truck…" She put a whole meatball on her mouth at once. "I'd be more than happy to have a life supply of Mexican food delivered at my place…" Freddie stared at her:
"Please promise me you won't have children. Like… ever." She just shrugged him off:
"Whatever. But don't worry…Even if I do, the odds are they won't survive more than a year or two…" Freddie shook his head from side to side, astonished. "But…You were whining something about your life sucking just a few minutes ago?" He raised an eyebrow at her. "What? Can't I be worried?" He kept the same look on his face. "Look, I just like to listen about your agony." She sighed with a smile. "It sooths me." Freddie rolled his eyes:
"Whatever." He stared down at his body, analyzing his recently fixed bones and stood quiet listening to the – not so charming – sound of Sam's chewing. "It's just that…I don't know." He looked at the Shay's door to make sure no one was coming. "Of all things to remain from the "hero effect", did it really have to be the only one that really, really annoyed me?" Sam seemed to ponder about his words while staring at his sad expression:
"Well, had it been any other way, it wouldn't be your life." He glared at her, she grinned, and he gave her a faint smile before sighing in defeat:
"You're probably right. There isn't even a reason to try to argue about that." He sunk deeper in the sofa cushions. "I'm just regretting things, you know? That's just it."
"No, you're not regretting things." She pointed her fork at him, a meatball on its tip while she swung it from side to side. "You're regretting breaking up with Carly."
"If you already knew, then why did you ask?"
"I didn't ask.. You were the one who went on and on like I was Oprah Winfrey or something." She took a bite from the meatball.
"I don't know why I even talk to you anymore." He rubbed his index finger and his thumb against the bridge of his nose. "You're no help at all." Sam went very quiet after this, she even stopped chewing. He thought she was choking (no way she'd ever stop eating) and looked at her just to find her staring at him:
"What? Did my dorkiness ruin the taste of your food again?"
"No." She said, standing up and walking towards him. He protected his face in reflex "Oh, relax, daffodil!" She burst and sat on the couch's arm, still far from Freddie. "Now, you want to know the problem with you?" Freddie smirked at her:
"No, Puckett, I'm not falling for that one again! The last time you asked me this, you had a Power Point presentation ready! And it was entitled "Part 1 out of 10"!
"Well, I'm a perfectionist!" She reasoned. "Look, Freddie, seriously now; why did you break up with Carly?"
"Because of you!" He was a little overwhelmed. "Oh wow, there's something I'd thought I'd never say." Sam slapped him in the head and he proceeded:
"You told me I was just foreign bacon or something like that, remember? I broke up with her so she'd be able to, you know, separate gratitude from real feelings and all that but…"
"You were just foreign bacon."
"Yeah…" He stared at the wall. "I sort of had hopes she'd realize something after we got together once but…Now I'm back where I was before. Worse, if possible."
"Nah. You're just looking at it from the wrong perspective." Sam said sipping from her soda. "You had no chance to begin with, you saved her life, she was grateful…you had a chance, she came back to her senses and now you are here. You should see this like a lucky chance you had. If you hadn't saved her, she'd never look at you in the first place. Praise the taco truck for helping you, accept it's all over now and then... move on."
"Sorry, was this supposed to cheer me up?"
"No!" Sam answered. "It's supposed to open your eyes!" She snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Would you really feel happier right now if you were with Carly even though you knew she didn't like you?" Freddie went quiet. She hit him on the head again:
"Ouch! What was that for?"
"Because this sort of thing is exactly what's wrong with you and it makes me really angry!" She burst. "Don't you have any self-respect?"
"According to you, I shouldn't have any self-steam let alone self respect…"
"Yeah, but that's only my opinion! According to you, you don't care about what I think!"
"Yes, well, that was until you told me I was just bacon and led me to break up with Carly!"
"That's it; I'm going to punch you." Sam stood up at once and Freddie held his knees while trying to hide under the cushions. "I now see I was way off limits by offending such an amazing thing like bacon when comparing it to you." Freddie was confused once he didn't feel Sam's fist against his body. He heard her sigh:
"Look, Benson, when you broke up with Carly, I thought what you did was very noble."
"Uh?" He dared to show his face to her, just so he could look at her expression as she complimented him. "What did you just say?" Sam didn't look as if she was enjoying that conversation but she went on:
"Look, I hate you, ok? With every little cell of my body and all that; you are a nub, and pathetic and stuff like that…But you're also very good with doing the right thing and stuff. You're always being nice to Carly 'cause you like her and even to me…'cause you like Carly." They both chuckled. "I wasn't impressed when you jumped to protect her. Honestly, I thought you were just going for a snack…That's how I do it every now and then but…When you saved her life, even though she was grateful and stuff, I wasn't surprised. I expected that from you, I never doubted what you were capable of for her. To you, making that choice would be easy. Because, let's face it, your life is pathetic, it's not like you'd be losing a lot, right?"
Freddie didn't answer this last comment of hers so she just went on:
"But when you gave her up, even though you had her, that was when I first thought of you as brave." His eyes widened a little; half hoping someone would come in and witness Samantha Puckett complimenting him (even though she did sound reluctant the whole time). "It was the first time I saw you act like a real man."
"Wow, Sam, I…"
"Hey, hey, Dorkazoid, I'm not complimenting you or anything here. I didn't call you a "man", I just said you acted like one. A girl scout who did the same thing would be acting like a man as well…"
"Alright, Sam, alright." He cut her off before the mockery got any worse. "I understand what you mean." He stood up and walked towards the fridge to get a soda for him. "But ever since this Carly thing, I've been thinking about how every relationship I get in seems to turn out to be some sort of charity work." Sam opened her mouth to say something but he raised a hand in the air to shut her up. "Please refrain from making a smart comment, please."
"Alright, alright. No need to get all…touchy." She shrugged and followed him to the kitchen. "You were saying?"
"Oh, you know, first it was Valerie who asked me out as an excuse to steal my tech skills, then there was that girl I didn't like but she liked me, even though Gibby liked her…When it comes to me, I never get a normal two-sided relationship. Even you kissed me out of guilt." Sam raised an eyebrow:
"What do you mean by "even" me?" Freddie became suddenly too focused on his soda can. Sam threw a meatball at him. "We have a two-sided relationship. Doesn't that count?"
"I'm not sure mutual hate accounts as a two-sided relationship." He answered her, wiping some tomato sauce from his forehead as he did so.
"I'm sure it does." Sam swallowed another meatball. "Or else, my parents wouldn't have been married in the first place." She laughed for a while then her face became very grim. "Scratch that. Mutual hate does not count as relationship." Freddie and she drank from their sodas in silence avoiding each other's eyes.
Freddie sat on the other side of the kitchen counter and sighed:
"I went camping with Spencer once, remember that?" She nodded while poking the bowl with her fork. "Because my mom never lets me out of the house for a long time, let alone in the woods, I had never seen a beaver before, you know? I thought they were fascinating creatures."
"And I thought I couldn't be more bored by this conversation…" She started.
"Just listen to me!" He said. "It was obvious I couldn't see the beavers any more, that I'd never be able to raise beavers in my place or anything but when I got home, I ordered a whole lot of books and videos about their life and stuff like that."
"Geek." Freddie ignored her:
"I can't have Carly, right? She doesn't like me but I liked holding on to that little piece of hope that, if she gave me a chance, I'd make it worthy…"
"I really don't see a metaphor shaping up here, Benson."
"Yeah…I don't either." He sighed. "I guess I just wish there was something I could get that would make me more comfortable about the idea of never having Carly." He looked at Sam. "I know what you're thinking so, just so you know; I already have a life, so I don't need to get one." She pouted her lips and made a face at him before muttering:
"Killjoy." But she stared at him and her frown became a smile. "So, what you're saying is that you wish you could have a documentary collection on Carly habits? I know a few things about how to get a restraining order and I'm pretty sure you're on your way for one, Benson." He scowled at her and she stretched and laughed, standing up:
"The beaver and the bacon." Sam said to no one in particular. "It's good it didn't work out, it sounds awful even for a cartoon title." She then smiled at Freddie:
"There's a whole lot of people who like Bacon." Freddie looked at Sam with disgust. "Besides people like me, I mean. There are girls out there who love bacon and its nice qualities. There are even people with bacon tattoos and I once saw a pig who thought the taste of bacon was too good to resist!"
"Sam, that was a mini-mart outdoor we saw last week; and that advertiser made a dreadful work. The poor pig was eating one of its relatives!"
"Well, that's just comes to prove how far someone could go for bacon, Freddie!" Sam pointed out so passionately even Freddie let out a loud laughter. She laughed too, right after him and, when Freddie stood up and walked to the living room, he smiled at Sam:
"Thanks." He said. "Oh my God, I said that three times today already, haven't I? What's wrong with me?"
"Is it finally time for my slideshow presentation?"
"Shut up, Puckett." He said, rolling his eyes.
"Oh, and Freddie…"
"Yeah?"
"If everything still turns out really bad, you could always take advantage of Carls' nonsense fear of giant birds to save her when Spencer accidentally sets fire at their giant Tsuru."
"Oh, shut up, Samantha." She punched him on the mouth.
"Don't you call me by my full name, Fredward!"
"Argh, isn't this just typical of you? We can't have one decent conversation without…" They went on insulting each other for the next fifteen minutes.
"Hey, guys, why is Mrs. Benson locked inside her own apartment?" Carly entered her house just to walk in on her two best friends arguing even louder than her psycho neighbor was yelling. "Oh, c'mon!" She said as she realized what was going on. She went into the kitchen and grabbed their sink hose to splash them with water, finally getting their attention.
"Hey, hey!" Freddie said, protecting himself from the water while Sam did the same:
"Is that really necessary?"
"Yes, yes it is! Why is it that I can't trust you two to be alone with each other without knowing I'll be later walking in into World War III every time?" They opened their mouths to protest (probably the same thing at the same time like they had been doing lately, Carly thought) but she interrupted them. "I don't wanna hear it, kids!" She splashed each one twice. "My brother just acquired one giant bright red paper bird so my life is already pretty bad without the two of you arguing!" She stood there quietly, watching them for a while before stamping her foot:
"Oh, Sam! You ate Spencer's meatballs again?"
"I can't help it; I really think I have a problem." She answered sheepishly.
"Oh, you have a problem alright." Freddie snorted, his tone filled with sarcasm.
Sam grabbed a cushion and started suffocating him with it.
They both started yelling at each other again.
Carly wished she had a bigger hose. And maybe a taser too.
She had always known Sam had a problem with keeping a distance from her addictions, it didn't really matter whether it was ham, fried chicken, meatballs…or bacon.
A/N:Just so I could write a little more fluff than before, I went for a scene from after iSaved Your Life. I know Sam's "code" for Freddie is actually Fried Chicken but I just couldn't help but to come up with this story when he yelled "I'm Just Bacon!" during the episode. How come he calls himself that when we all know Sam's opinion on bacon? Especially the foreign type.
On a side note, I'd like to mention that stuff like the Camping trip with Spencer and such are usually taken from the character's blog entries and stuff, just in case you're wondering.
P.S.: If you just recieved a "new chapter" alert, I'm sorry, I had to reaupload this 'cause was with a minor bug here! :}