iLoathe You

A/N: You guys are awesome, have I told you that? Anyway, I was going to do an "iQuit" one shot, decided for an "iMake Sam Girlier" one and, before I noticed, I had this "iMove Out" story completely written in my head, lol.

I think this one is the "fluffiest" so far in the sense of being so Seddie it almost steps outside the cannon territory. Hopefully, you'll like it. A lot of "iKiss" references on this one, by the way.

iWill Apologize Every Year or So

Summary: Sam keeps a promise, defends a psychopath and complains about Freddie's musical taste. Set during iMove Out.

When younger, Fredward Benson used to have a recurring nightmare.

In his dream, Samantha Puckett would set fire to his underwear, cover him in honey and then throw him at a cage filled with wild Asian black bears. Then she'd just grab a folding chair and watch as he was both mauled and burned with a smile on her face and a bucket of fried chicken on her lap. And, if Freddie managed to stay asleep through the whole nightmare, he'd even hear her comment to someone (even though there was never anyone around her):

"You see? That's what I call real entertainment!"

As he grew older, the many nightmares he had involving Sam eventually seized and he liked to think that that had a lot to do with how they now could stay in the same room without trying to kill each other for over half an hour and how now he was old enough to know that, even though Sam was dangerous he was still smarter and maybe even stronger than her and that, in the end of the day, they were close friends.

Well, they were friends.

Sort of.

They didn't hate each other. At least enough for her to throw him to wild black bears, of that he was sure (he couldn't be so sure about her setting fire to his underwear so he always wore noninflammable fabric, just to be safe, anyway).

The important thing, Freddie thought as he watched the ceiling of his new apartment in the middle of the night, is that he wasn't scared of Sam anymore.

"Oh, good, you're still up." His whole body tensed as he heard the familiar voice coming from somewhere inside his pitch dark room. He immediately disappeared under his Galaxy Wars sheets while his left hand looked under the bed for his baseball bat.

"Sam…!" He tried to sound calm but his voice failed him. "W-what are you doing here?" Ok, truth is; though he wasn't as scared of Sam as before, she had just appeared in his apartment at two in the morning for no apparent reason and if that wasn't life threatening then he had no idea what could be.

"Are you looking for this?" She said, pulling his covers completely and showing him she had his baseball bat on her own hands. Freddie fought a girlish scream that tried to escape his lips.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" The girlish scream won. "Sam, what are you doing here?" He crawled and backed away from her. The lights were all out and the only thing he could see were the reflexes of the moonlight against her blond hair what would probably be a romantic thing if it wasn't for the fact that she was a terrifying person holding a potentially dangerous sports' apparatus.

"I needed to talk to you." She said shrugging. "Why are all the lights off? I can't see a thing."

"At two in the morning?" He said, sitting with his feet under his knees and checking his Pearphone. "Lewbert said I couldn't turn on the lights after ten p.m. or the rent price would go up; also, too much energy charge would probably set fire to the elevator engines."

"Ugh! Is that why it's so cold in here too?" She ignored his question about the time completely. "No heating system?"

"Nope, none."

"Great place." He could not see her face but her tone was very self-explanatory. He cocked an eyebrow at her:

"What's this, Sam, a whole new modality of insult? The Midnight Break In Verbal Offense?" He asked with sarcasm.

"That's a good idea you have there but no. I'm here to talk to you."

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I was trying to sleep."

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm holding a baseball bat."

"Please sit down, my friend." He answered with a totally different tone, patting the foot of his bed. "You're more than welcome here."

"Good." She replied and started walking towards his bed with her hands stretched in front of her, trying to know where to go. Freddie didn't know exactly what happened but he heard a loud thud followed by a flow of dirty words from Sam's mouth. He couldn't help but to snicker but stopped abruptly as he felt the tip of his baseball bat touching his nose. "Turn…a…light…on…Benson." He heard she sibilate dangerously like a snake and, even in the dark, he could swear he saw the flames of hatred burning in her eyes.

"I'll…I'll connect my Pearpod to the stereo and turn it on…like this." He turned to his side and pressed some buttons. As the music started playing, the stereo's blue light filled the room. It was pale, ghostly and very faint but it was enough for them to see each other. "How's this?"

"Girly and soppy like anything else you listen to." Sam said replying the wrong question and snatching his Pearpod from his hands to check the screen. "Whenever we have to listen to your playlists, I feel like I'm watching a Meg Ryan movie."

Freddie rolled his eyes at her and reached out to take the Pearphone from her but she slapped his hand away. She lay down on his bed, the lower part of her body left out, knees folded and feet on the floor and he noticed she too was wearing pajamas.

"You're spending the night at Carly's?" He asked with his eyes on her fluffy boots

"Yup." She answered absently as a new song started playing. It was a slow song by a female singer. Freddie knew the song very well and why he had downloaded it. Sam had his Pearpod above her head and read all the song names. As this particular song started playing, her eyes opened a bit wider – or maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him – and she turned to him with a smirk that looked too much like a scowl:

"Meant for Me" She said in a high, mocking voice. "Benson, you're such a girl."

Freddie felt like answering Sam, especially now that she had let go of the bat but, for some reason, telling her that that song was the song he had had his first dance with Carly sounded too risky of a thing to do and he found himself lacking the courage to do so.

"Don't I have my own playlist on this thing?" Sam was moving from menu to menu. "I'm sure I made one."

"Yes, you did." Freddie answered tiredly. "Just check under "The Devil's Spawn Favorites"."

"Oh, how nice of you to not change the name I had chosen." She said with a smirk. Three seconds later, loud Ska music started playing and Sam stretched. "Greeeeat, now we are talking!"

The stood there quietly for a while, Sam lazily moving her feet from side to side on a goofy two step and the Ska band's lead singer yelling curses and jokes. Freddie was surprised to realize he actually enjoyed the music; it truly made you want to move your feet lazily and it cheered him a bit. The lyrics weren't deep but they were sincere and direct. He never paid any attention to Sam's playlist before (they all had playlists on each other Pearpods so whenever they stopped to listen to music, there wouldn't be a lot of arguing) but it was funny how he was sure that, if anyone made him listen to that music and then asked him who had chosen it, he'd say Sam without thinking twice. He pointed this out to her and she said:

"Thanks, if I ever listen to soppy girly pop someday, I promise I'll try to be reminded of you." Freddie smile disappeared at once:

"That's it! We are listening to what I pick from now on." They struggled for a while, fighting for the Pearpod 'till they heard the Shuffle system sound. They stopped abruptly with their hands midair as another slow started. The singer had just started the lyrics (Something between the lines of "Did I tell you I knew your…", Sam noticed) when Freddie violently shook his Pearpod 'causing it to shuffle again.

"I, hm…Had enough of that song." He told her a little breathlessly. "Why don't we, hm…Go back to your playlist?" He said snatching the player from her hands at once and returning the configuration to play Sam's favorites.

"O…k." Sam answered, still a little surprised by his swift, unexpected overreaction. She rolled her eyes at him and, for the first time, noticed his sheets. "Oh, look! Galaxy Wars; I bet the girls are going to love your cool bachelor pad." Freddie felt his ears burning. "Oh, look! It's Nub –Nub!" Sam said pointing to one of the pictures on the sheet.

"It's Nug-Nug." Freddie corrected her. Sam raised her eyes and looked at him with a smile:

"You know what? I care so little, I can't even bring myself to pretend I care."

"Didn't you have something you wanted to talk to me?" Freddie said scratching his hair impatiently. "Or did you just really have an urge to appear in the middle of the night at my house and scar me emotionally for life even more than what you already did?" This wiped the smirk out of Sam's face and she scowled at him:

"Scar you for life? Do you know how afraid I was to come here? What if I caught you sleeping just with your socks on? Or worse, using your sink "slash" bathroom?" She crossed her arms at him. "Now that is what I call a real trauma!" Freddie's expression didn't change so she sighed, sat down straight in the same position as he was – feet under her knees – and faced him.

"So?" He said with the corner of his mouth corked to the side as it usually did when he doubted her. "Why are you here?" It was sort of a serious moment so when Sponge Bob's "The Fun Song" started playing it sort of ruined the mood, Sam thought, but she ignored the music anyway.

"I'm sorry I let Frothy pee on your History text book."

"What? That was like…ages ago." Freddie said, confused. Sam didn't seem to listen to anything he said as she continued:

"And I'm sorry I sold your favorite shirt to buy those hotdogs last month, and I'm sorry I threw toilet water in your strawberry juice last week…"

"You…threw toilet water on my…what?" Freddie felt like he was going to puke.

"No, wait. Was that Gibby's juice?" Sam seemed lost for a second. "Yeah, don't worry. It was Gibby's juice…" She reassured him by patting him on the knee. She bit her lower lip. "I did pour some cat pee on your shampoo a while ago though…"

"You what?"

Ignoring Freddie's reactions, Sam went on apologizing for all sorts of things. Some he didn't even remember she had done, some he didn't even know she had done and some she only thought she had done to him but, in the end, the victim was someone else. The one sided conversation appeared to go on endlessly 'till Freddie finally managed to grasp Sam's attention by taking advantage of an intake of air to say:

"Sam, what are you doing?" She opened her mouth to go on but he held her wrist to get her attention. "What – are – you – doing?" he asked again, this time more slowly and making sure to underline every word. She looked at him for a second or so and then sighed heavily:

"I'm keeping a promise." She said finally. Before he could ask anything, she continued. "Remember that time you handcuffed me to Gibby?"

Both of Freddie's eyebrows went up at once as he was genuinely surprised. It was sort of their code, they never referred to their kiss as the "kiss" it was always something else that happened around that time like; "Remember that time we had an argument?" "Remember that time I put a fish in your locker?" it was never "Remember that time I went after you and we kissed?"; it was one of their many unsaid rules (right along with "The last rib is always Sam's" and "If you use Sam's full name, you're asking for a punch"). He was startled for a moment but nodded anyway, Sam looked a bit uncomfortable as she looked for the right words:

"Well, remember how I told you I'd apologize every year or so?" She said watching the light of the Pearpod screen attentively. Freddie's jaw dropped:

"And you decided that today, right now, at two in the morning was the perfect time to do it?" He asked stunned:

"Hm, yeah. Ever since he got attacked, Spencer's been having very loud nightmares about Harmoo so it was not like I would get any sleep there or anything." She said, shrugging. "So I came here."

Freddie stared at her, his jaw still dropped, too angry for words. She looked up and studied his expression for a few seconds.

Then she laughed.

"This is not funny, Puckett!"

"Yes, yes it kinda is!" She said, her hand covering her mouth as she tried to stop laughing. "If you could only see your face right now!"

He shook his head crossly at her:

"You're unbelievable!" He told her. "That's so selfish, I can't even…argh!" He tried standing up but she held him down and since she was something like the strongest woman on Earth, he fell back down immediately.

"Listen to me!" She said seriously this time. Freddie swallowed nervously at the change on her tone.

"Ok." His voice croaked and she let go of him, holding her legs and resting her chin on her knees:

"And I'm really sorry about the whole thing with your mother too."

"Uh?" Freddie was confused again; he honestly suspected if he'd ever understand Sam.

"You know, the other day, during the show…When I got the camera and recorded that whole asparagus thing…"

"Are you honestly feeling bad about that?" He said, almost chuckling. "That was nothing. It was just you and Carly making fun of me, I wasn't hurt at all." He said.

"Like I care if you were ever hurt." Sam said with a scowl. "It's about this here that I'm talking about." She gestured towards the place around them.

"My apartment?" He asked. "What's wrong with it?"

"What's not wrong with it, Frieda?" Sam answered. "Why did you move here?"

Finally, Freddie understood the whole point of the conversation; he just couldn't really believe that was the point.

"You think I moved out because of the iCarly thing?" He smiled. "Sam, you and Carly had nothing to do with it. You've met my mother; you know this was coming for a long time now. She's crazy!" Sam muttered something in reply to this. He approached his ear from her face and said: "Sorry, I didn't really get that. Could you repeat?"

Sam grabbed his ear and brought it to her mouth where she yelled:

"I SAID YOU SHOULD STOP BEING SO STUPID AND JUST GO BACK TO YOUR MOTHER!"

Freddie flinched and as he rubbed his ear still confused both by the blow to his tympanums and the information he asked:

"What?" He was back to feeling stupid. "Why would you ever say that? You are the one who keeps telling me my mother is crazy and that I should man up and stuff like that! What are you on about?"

Sam sighed:

"I know, Freducation, I know." She studied the walls of the place. "Usually, I'd be the first to cheer you for what you did, don't get me wrong, really, I haven't thought this good of you since the whole "fake ID to get inside Dingo Studios" thing and all but, no matter how much I enjoy Feisty Freddie…" Someone must have pressed the elevator button then 'cause a loud noise made the two of them wince. "Well, point made." Sam said pointing to the engines on the corner.

"I know the place isn't good, Sam, but it's what I can afford right now." Sam slapped him. Really hard. He watched her, his expression torn between absolutely angry and completely puzzled. "Ok, there's no way you can say this was somehow called for!"

"It wasn't." She said. "But you deserved it anyway." She pouted her lips. "It doesn't matter what you can or can't afford, Fredward. You should be with your psycho mother."

"Give me one good reason. A reason good enough for me to ignore all the years of humiliation and antibacterial underwear she put me through!"

"You're a mamma's boy."

"I said a good one." He said angrily. Sam stretched and yawned:

"Ok, here's a list: First, this place has no heating, no bathroom and, worst of all, no fridge. Second, your whole life is your tech toys; here you can't even keep the lights on…"

"Ok, but…"

"Third, do you think living alone is easy? I spend most of my time alone and let me tell you something shocking about reality, kiddo: clothes don't wash themselves and neither do your bed sheets."

"Sam, you're the last person who can talk to me about laziness and easy life, you know that, right?"

Sam was completely ignoring him:

"But the most important thing is that you're acting dumb."

"And why is that?"

"Well, I suppose it's because you're you and you can't help it."

"Sam…"

"Man! Do I have to explain everything to you?" She said impatiently. "Look, if you want your mother to change with you, then you face her; what you're doing here, moving out like this, you're just running away."

"Is that so?" He said skeptically, his voice all sarcasm. "And what do you, all knowing guru, suggest I do?"

"Bribery."

"Bribery?"

"Yeah, you know, kinda like blackmail but a little more PG- 13."

"It figures "Bribery" would be one of the few big words you'd know the meaning of…" Freddie said under his breath. "I mean, what do you suggest I bribe her with?"

"With this!" She slapped his face back and forth like she so often did. "We are teenagers, Fredduccini, if we can't get what we want by selling our affection to our insecure parents then we have nothing!" She stood up from his bed and moved her neck from side to side, stretching. "Well, my job here is done; feels good to do a good deed every once in a while!" She turned around to leave but Freddie stopped her:

"Wait a minute there, Puckett. How do you suggest I sell my affection?" Sam turned on her heels and stared at Freddie with her lower lip pouted in a funny way:

"I don't know, Nub. I don't even see why anyone would ever want to buy your affection…" He made a face at her and she left out a heavy breath. "I don't know, ok? Whatever chiz you want her to give you; privacy, money, a Russian Internet wife…When she shows up again, just…talk to her; tell her you miss her and all but there's a limit to everything. Face her."

"How do you even know these things?"

"Everyone knows, Freduardo!" Sam beamed. "You were just left out from the fun because your mommy raised you to be a good person."

That triggered something inside Freddie; his guts turned in a sudden burning anger:

"There you go again saying I'm a mamma's boy."

"You are a mamma's boy."

"I'm not a…"

"It's ok to be a mamma's boy, Freddie." Sam interrupted him. "I mean, it's not ok; it's very uncool and when you say stuff like: "My mom is my hero", I can really get a vision of you, in a few years in a house, alone, surrounded only by tech toys and cats…but…that's what you are, you know? Like I'm a delinquent and Carly is a bit of a sissy." Freddie chuckled and Sam crossed his arms at him, smirking:

"All I'm saying," Sam proceeded. "Is that there are bad things about what we all are but that we should overcome them the right way."

"And how can you tell I'm not doing things the right way?" He asked, feeling very defiantly.

"Dude, your sink is your toilet."

"Ok, I suppose you have a point." He bit the inside of his mouth and Sam put a hand on his shoulder:

"Damn right I do! Dude, this place is not you and, face it, Benson, you'll die in here; I'm much more macho than you will ever be and I'm disgusted!"

"Hey!" He protested. "I'm just as macho as you are…And, you know what?" He waved her hand off his shoulder. "I can absolutely survive living in this apartment. I'll get a part time job and pay for everything, I'll buy a fridge and maybe even a toilet, now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna ask you to leave."

At first, Freddie felt hesitant about his own words; deep down, he knew he was still too afraid of Sam and what she could do to his underwear so he was very surprised when she just smiled and walked towards the door and away from his Pearpod's light:

"Sure." Her now bodiless voice answered from the dark. "If you think you can spend the night here alone and live here for the rest of your life that, I suppose, will last around three weeks, then good luck. I'm going back to the Shay's." He heard the sound of the door closing behind her and breathed in and out slowly before turning off his Pearpod.

Everything went silent and dark at once and all he could listen to were his heartbeats and the wind outside crashing against his windows loudly. Sure, the place could be a bit scary but he was a man now and he'd be able to…His door clicked open:

"You want me to walk you to the Shay's apartment or what?"

"Thank you, Sam!" He said standing up and grabbing a coat and a pillow.

As they walked down the stairs, Freddie stared at Sam's messy bed hair and a question came to his mind:

"Hey, Sam, why did you defend my mom?"

"I don't recall ever defending your mother, Benson. I don't stand up for psychopaths." He raised an eyebrow at her. "Well, at least not for psychos who are not related to me by blood, alright?" He chuckled and she rolled her eyes, finally saying:

"I don't know, I think, sometimes, I can relate to your mom." Freddie choked on his own saliva:

"Are you under some experimental medication or something, Sam?" She punched him:

"No, I'm not. Though I can see where you're coming from." She skipped the three last steps from the stairs with a jump and turned around to face Freddie:

"You know how earlier today you and Carly were all worked up over me being late?"

"Sure."

"Can you imagine how that would have felt horrible if the person who had gone missing was someone you actually cared about like, I don't know, Carly or something?"

"Don't be silly, I worry about you too, I…" He stopped mid-sentence, finally absorbing the information. "Oh – my – Gosh. I would have freaked out so bad!"

"Yup." Sam said with a faint smile. "I thought about this today as I kidnapped the cat. It made me think about Frothy and how sad I'd be if anything bad happened to him…" Freddie wondered what Sam considered to be a bad thing since Frothy had already gone through all sorts of bad experiences but he didn't voice his questions. "And, although your mom is a big time loony, she was nice to me a couple of times before; feeding me and stuff and sometimes, maybe, she's just not very good at expressing her love, you know? At this I can relate to her."

"Oh like…As much as my mom gives me tick baths; you push guys from trees, right?"

"Yes!" Sam said with a final smile as they arrived at the Shay's door. "All in the name of love!" She shook her fist in the air dramatically. "Well, I'm off."

"Aren't you getting in?" He asked.

"Of course I am but, when I left, Spencer was sleeping on the couch so, as asking to spend the night will already be too humiliating – even for you – I'll just break into Carly's bedroom through the fire escape." She did a few things to the door's locker and sighed: "Well, I've opened the door, feel free to knock if you wanna be polite, I'm gonna go find my way…" Freddie smiled as he watched Sam walk away from him but before she reached the end of the hallway, she turned around and said:

"Oh, and by the way, Freddork…" He looked at her just to encounter an expression of mockery on her face. "Keeping the song you were listening to during your first kiss on your mp3 player…That's the sissiest thing to do like…ever." And, just like that, she walked away with her hands in the back of her head. Freddie felt his face getting warmer until something hit him.

Maybe it was a bit girly to keep the song, he considered, but Sam recognized it just from the first couple of notes, didn't she?

Maybe, sometimes, she could relate to more Bensons than just his mother, after all. And with a final smile, he opened the door in front of him.

A/N: I'm too lazy to correct any typos right now and, if I'm lucky, I didn't misspell the pearpod, pearphone stuff. Don't know about this chapter being funny at all, actually, right now, I have no idea what I just wrote but, hopefully, the fluffiness will make up for the lack of jokes and all that. Please review 'cause your nice feedback is what keep the new stories popping up every week! :D