Catharsis of Penance

by Jersey13

Carson is a broken man trying to find his way home after being rescued from his imprisonment by Michael. He wrote this journal to record his feelings and memories, and in its pages he considers whether or not he really wants to ever return to Atlantis.

2. Chapter 1

Personal Log
Dr. Carson Beckett, MD
17 days since my re-awakening

Rodney McKay is quite the character. Over the years, I've come to know him as a stubborn and arrogant man most of the time, but he still manages to surprise me on occasion. He's just as intelligent as he is stubborn though, and I think he guessed before I said anything that I wouldn't be staying in Atlantis for very long. Dr. Keller has spared me a life spent in stasis, and now he seems to be going out of his way to be nice to me. And amazingly, I'd not heard one word of complaint from him almost the entire time. Not even when I tried to be cheerful did it faze him. 'Rodney! Glad to see you. Would you like to go fishing off the east pier today?' or even 'Hello Rodney! Fancy a game of chess during lunch?' Not once did he try to weasel his way out of it like he used to.

It was almost unnerving, as if he was afraid I was never coming back. I suppose it's not surprising, considering what happened to… well, to the version of me that went on with my life. But I didn't die in that explosion. I don't deserve all the special attention he's giving me, and it's not just Rodney. If I didn't know better, I'd suspect that everyone was still walking on eggshells around me. Something just doesn't feel right about it, but maybe I'm just too exhausted. I do need more time to fully recover my health and I can't wait to get home and finally be able to put all of this behind me. Perhaps then the nightmares I've been having will start to subside, too.

Before I left for Earth, Rodney gave me a very nice leather-bound journal, this journal I'm writing in, in fact, and although I suspect he's re-gifted it to me, I do appreciate the sentiment. Perhaps using it to write about how I'm getting along will help speed my recovery. And I'll have to remember to send him a thank-you note once I'm settled on Earth. But for now, I think what I really need is to figure out where on this bloody ship I might find some warm milk so I can finally get some sleep. The hum of the ship's hyperspace engines just doesn't do the trick like it used to.