I do not own the Twilight saga only this plot.

Down The Rabbit's hole

Chapter Nine: Alive

What is this feeling
Of power and drive
I've never known
I feel alive!

Where does this feeling
Of power derive,
Making me know
Why I'm alive?

Warm words and harsh whispers, how can they bring love?

Hatred and distanced lovers are puzzles, waiting to be solved. How can they love with the hatred? Is it the hatred that joins two together? Is love created from hatred? And hatred created from love?

Which came first hatred or love?

My family said love, when I asked them the question. I smiled at that, because I believe it too. But is it possible to feel love from the hatred.

Alec thinks so.

He says, "Hatred is a beautiful thing. A feeling of intense hostility towards somebody or something leads to love. Look at Romeo and Juliet, didn't their parents hatred lead them to their love." And the more I think about it, the more I agree. But even though I begin to agree with him, he hurts me.

He makes me do gruesome things, things that I would scream about doing, but I don't. In the beginning it was too please him, but now…It's like as if I'm proving to the world that I'm not Renesmee Cullen, perfect little angel, destined imprint, who has her whole life planned out for her just like in a fairytale. I wanna do things on my own, and have the power to do it, disobey my family and make them gasp in horror and weep tearlessly.

No… I don't want to hurt them; I just want to make them understand that I'm not a doll. I'm not their doll, they aren't my owners, I'm not their puppet and their not my puppeteers. But I know even if they see me like this, nothing will change. This will be a bad dream and they will continue life as always the same.

To them I'm a child, unable to make my own choice. I'm weak, I'm naïve, I'm…innocent, but I'm not any of those things. If they see the blood stains on my hands will they think ill of me? If they see me drink the life of a human, will they be ashamed of me? If they watch me with Alec will they be disappointed in me?

I'm sure they will, but they are my family and they won't give up on me. I wonder if they see me in their visions and are even bothering to search me. I wonder if they know that I don't love Jacob. I wonder if they can hear my laughter mingled with Alec. I wonder if they can see me being happy, despite all the pain.

I sound like a masochist, don't I?

I'm torturing myself in the darkness, but I feel alive? Is that strange? Is it a bad thing?

I'm sinning, but I am a creature built from sin…

My mother fell in love with a sinner, a vampire, and gave birth to me in sin. She wanted to be a vampire; she wanted that more than a child. I was just a quick blessing along the way, she sinned and yet she got everything she deserved. It didn't make sense, how sinners are happier than the good ones, who obey God's Rules.

I lust, I envy, I greed, I'm vain, I'm prideful, I'm a sloth, I'm gluttonous…

"What are you thinking of, babydoll?"

"Life. Death. Sinners. Do-gooders."

"That sums up your family. Full of oxymoron and contradictions. Good vampires, which makes no sense. They are going to be responsible for the extinction of quite a lot of animals. We on the other hand, may cause deaths, but deaths happen all the time. People die every second, people are born every second. Simple, and it's easy to control the world's population rate our way."

As cheesy as it sounds, my heart fluttered with joy when he said, our. It's like I'm not a Cullen anymore. I'm not Renesmee Carlie Cullen, the child of Edward and Bella Cullen, imprint of Jacob Black, beloved niece of Rosalie, Emmet, Alice and Jasper, and precious granddaughter of Carlisle, Esme, Charlie and Renee.

I'm just Renesmee.

I feel more alive.

More powerful, free, I understand my purpose, even if I don't know where it will lead me.

I'll still crave it.

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"Alec?" I fidget a little bit of nervousness as I look at him. His fingers traced the bindings of books as he spoke, "Yes, doll?"

"I want to join you."

His eyes sparked in interest, "I have no indication in loving you Renesmee; you should know that." I nodded, "I want to be a part of the Volturi."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me feel alive and I love you, even though you don't love me. I'll love you, even if you use me! I just don't care anymore. I feel like I know why I'm alive, with you. I can't feel like this with my family. I want to forget the past."

It was silent for a moment, before I felt myself being wrapped around his cold arms, "You're a good doll, Renesmee. A very pretty girl, who understands her place. You can come, doll. It'll make me very happy." My heart swells with pride, but I don't show it with a smile, I just stay leaning against him.

"Can we leave; I don't wanna stay here anymore," I mumble the question, causing him to smile, "We could, but wouldn't you rather see your family."

He looks at me with expecting eyes as if I'm still the little girl from his memories who ran to her parents as if they are the most important people in the world.

"No."

His smiled widened, and I knew I had done the right thing. He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the building, and into the open air.

The air felt nice.

It wasn't sunny outside, but there warmth out there warmth that makes my skin tingle with excitement, but it all stopped when Alec spoke.

"It's a shame Renesmee, even though you didn't want to see them they came anyways and they even brought the dog." He laughed.

And despite it all, I laughed too, because I felt alive.

Like the night, it's a secret,
Sinister dark and unknown.
I do not know what I seek,
Yet I'll seek it alone!

I have a thirst
That I cannot deprive.
Never have I felt so alive!

There is no battle
I couldn't survive -
Feeling like this -
Feeling alive!

Like the moon, an enigma,
Lost and alone in the night
Damned by some heavenly stigma,
But blazing with light!

It's the feeling of being alive!
Filled with evil, but truly alive!
It's the truth that cannot be denied!
It's the feeling of being
Edward Hyde!

I actually wrote it. Yes good people this story is coming to a end, and if I'm lucky it will be soon. I cut the chapter short because well....I promised someone I'd write a chapter and have it posted on Sunday and I did! DO NOT BLAME ME! If it was up to me, I would be watching Death Note: The Abridged Series. Seriously. I love Light...he's so evil in a justice filled way. That made no sense. Anyways back to the subject, the song Alive is in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I stumbled along and found it and loved it. Watch it on youtube.

I made Renesmee, very Misa like didn't I, Death Note fans. Alec will love her eventually. Just give me a few chapters. Seriously, I'm working on it.

Song of the chapter: Alive, in the play: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Song of Renesmee: Hook Me Up by The Veronicas. Seriously, every time I hear that song, I think of her. I don't know what Alec's song is, but I'm going with: Getting Away With Murder by Papa Roach.

Review, because I rushed through this chapter and fulfilled by promise.

So Review.

And Thank You.