Personal Log
Dr. Carson Beckett, MD
31 days since my re-awakening

I should never have let Edward talk me into going drinking with him. It's not his fault that I'm upset right now; I was the one who'd happily agreed to go with him after all, but it was foolish of me to let him put me in a position where I might let down my guard, and I now regret burdening him with what I told him last night. I suppose I let down my guard because, of all the people I know, I trusted him most of all to keep anything I told him in confidence. He's also the only other person I know who has ever worked for the military before, so he would understand better than anyone the kinds of risks that I'd taken.

When I'd first arrived at Glasgow airport and saw him waiting there for me, my initial feelings of excitement and elation became mixed with hesitation and fear. I worried that everyone in my family would probably be concerned for me rather than happy to see me. They will want to know what had happened and how I'd survived, but what should I tell them? I couldn't tell them everything even if I'd wanted to since most of it was classified, but what about the parts that aren't classified?

When he reached out to pull me into a heartfelt embrace and politely asked how my flight was, I decided then and there that I wasn't going to tell any of them anything. I somehow managed to carefully and politely deflect their curious questions through dinner and told them only what I'd been instructed to tell them.

'Carson,' Mum asked quietly. Edward had started to clear the table, but I was still picking absently at my beef and mash. I'd not had much of an appetite most of the evening, and she now gazed at me with a loving and concerned expression. 'You've hardly touched your dinner. Are you feeling all right?'

'Aye, Mum. I had a big meal on the plane.' I think she knew I was lying though, and my gaze shifted back to my plate guiltily. I thought perhaps changing the subject might help me avoid saying more. 'Where's everyone else? I half expected the entire family to be here for dinner.'

'Don't you worry. They'll be here on Saturday and you'll have all the nieces and nephews you can handle.' We shared a laugh and her eyes twinkled with amusement, but then her expression turned serious again. 'We didn't want to overwhelm you all at once. Considering what you've been through, I thought it best to give you some time to get settled first.'

I nodded and gave her a grateful smile, but an awkward silence then filled the room. Perhaps she'd been hoping that I would say more, but she didn't pry. Instead, she took my plate to the kitchen just as Edward returned.

He grinned at me cheerfully and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. 'Right! Now, why don't we head over to the pub for a few pints before you're off to bed?'

I should've said no, but I wasn't particularly tired yet and it'd been so long since the last time I'd gone drinking with any of my brothers that I didn't want to disappoint him. 'I suppose a quick pint or two wouldn't hurt.'

I could not have been more wrong. "A quick pint or two" eventually turned into several, then into half a dozen. Before I knew it, I was thoroughly sloshed and having a grand time... until he asked me that inevitable question:

'Carson... What happened to you out there?'

And I was feeling so plastered and tired and frustrated and angry that I actually began to tell him, classifications be damned.