Personal Log
Dr. Carson Beckett, MD
60 days since my re-awakening
It's been almost a month now since I came home, and I think I've finally started settling into a pattern. It's almost normal, but at the same time, I still feel like there's a huge empty space in my life and I can't seem to pinpoint exactly what's missing or even what's so different. Everything is almost exactly as it used to be before I left Earth for the Pegasus galaxy. There's a big family dinner on Sunday evenings, I go out to lunch and shopping on Wednesdays with Mum, dinner and a few pints with Edward on Thursdays, and then on Fridays I'm off to Croughton to pick up a new batch of medication, as it tends to spoil quickly. Today was different though in that I'd received a letter from Rodney with my medication.
It was filled with mostly trivial things such as the weather and asking how I was feeling and when I planned to return. He couldn't be too specific, but he did also mention that Ronon had had a run-in with an 'old friend' and was now suffering from enzyme withdrawal symptoms, and I suppose I can identify with that. In short though, they all missed me and wished me well on my recovery and were eagerly awaiting my triumphant return. I do intend to reply to his letter of course, but his request to know when I planned to return made me feel torn and unprepared.
To be completely honest, I'm really not sure I want to go back. I'm comfortable here, more comfortable than I've felt in a long time, and I'm finally starting to feel safe again. My family has been there for me in more ways than I ever expected or asked of them, and if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't still be the man I used to be any more. Have I not fought and suffered more than most doctors on this planet could ever dream? Have I not played my part in this, and do I not deserve to rest now? And yet I feel guilty knowing that my friends on Atlantis are still out there fighting without me to protect the rest of us here on Earth.
Why can I not be at peace? Why do I feel such shame for wanting to just put all of it behind me and move on with my life? And why did any of this have to happen to me in the first place? Being cloned and held prisoner under the threat of death and torture for nearly two years is not what I signed up for when I agreed to work with the US Military on the Pegasus project! And now my family suffers with me because every time my parents see my face, they're reminded of how they once thought I was dead, and I can't even tell them that I'm not their real son!
No more. I refuse to subject the people I love to any more of this. I'm home to stay this time.